Title: 11:11

Reviewer/Consultant: OnceUponATaem

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Title - 4/5

Your title was really great! It fit the whole concept so perfectly, thus the high marks. Even without reading the foreword, I had a pretty good idea what the story would generally be about, especially after the hype over the whole 11:11 in November of last year. I think that’s one of the best parts of this title: a reader can imagine up so much just by reading the title. I mean, I had so many various scenes running through my mind once I read your title, but I have to admit, I really expected a fluffy love story. What you delivered was a billion times better.

Another reason why I gave you high points is because the title is visually appealing. If someone were going through the throngs of stories on AFF, I’m sure this one would pop out. While scrolling through the list of fics, I would notice this one right away, mainly because the title consists of numbers and would stand out compared to the other titles that are mostly words. Besides that, it’s a pretty intriguing title and upon first glance, I think people would generally be curious to see what the story was about.

I docked one point because I found that the title (coupled with the rest of the foreword) was just a bit misleading. Like I said earlier on, I really thought this was going to be a fluffy masterpiece, and though it was a great fic and did have some fluff here and there, the majority of it was very intense and psychological. So in that sense, the title can be a negative aspect to a reader who could be looking for some light-hearted material to read. And easy fix for this would be to add some tags that would better describe your story such as “psychological” or “angst”. That way, the reader has a better idea of what the story will be about and they won’t be caught off guard as they’re reading.

All in all, good job in this section. The title is really original, extremely creative, and pretty catchy, and I think it’s one of the strong points of this story.

Ability to draw readers in - 16/20

You have a beautiful poster, and a fitting background, which help in drawing readers in. As I mentioned in the previous section, your title is really catch and appealing too, so that aids in garnering attention from potential readers. I think the Description section of your story was really crisp and clean and to the point, which made it mysterious and intriguing.

The only thing that I didn’t find appealing was the way you wrote the foreword. It started out a bit cliché with the girl introducing herself and such and explaining her name. I think that section would’ve best been suited for third person, mainly because in the story you have the POVs of many characters, and so the foreword should’ve been a general preview of the global concept of the story: second chances and double eleven.

This is what you wrote: My name is Toki. It means chance. My mother, who is Japanese, chose the name for me. She said that she wanted her daughter to have all the chances she could grab in life and treasure everything that was in her hands. My father had laughed and said Toki was a silly name, but my mother was free to name me whatever she wanted.

Here’s what you could’ve written in third person: Toki. That was her name. With the simple meaning of chance, the name was bestowed upon her by her loving parents who had wanted their daughter to grab all the opportunities in life and treasure everything in her possession.

Though the word “chance” is really important in this story, it’s also essential that you don’t repeat it too much. Remember that the thesaurus is your best friend when you’re writing. However, it’s really important to not go overboard when using big words. Synonyms help add imagery to the text, but if the passage is too heavy with synonyms, it ruins the flow. Remember that if your reader has to read a line multiple times to understand, it means that you’re abusing the thesaurus. Keeping it simple can sometimes be the key to writing well.

Also, details like the sentence where her father thought her name was silly are unimportant and they just drag the passage on for no reason. Especially in the case of a foreword, you should try to make it short and brief so that the reader can quickly pick up the idea of the story without spending too much time on the front page.

Besides that, the rest of the foreword was really terrific! I enjoyed the ending where you repeated the phrase “the time when” with different endings. It was a really nice touch.

Also, I tell a lot of people that they should write for themselves, and this includes choosing the characters that you like the most even if they have no link with each other. However, readers like to see those links between the characters. Though many people can be open to reading any pairing, a lot of other people tend to read stories where the characters are somehow related in real life too (in the sense that they’ve had interaction in real life too). This story was a Key/OC fic, but I found that Lizzie and Leeteuk were a bit random. There wasn’t a link to them. Maybe Leeteuk with someone from SMTown or Lizzie with someone who she has interacted with before on shows…? But, this is really a small point, and you shouldn’t mind it too much. Crackships and random pairings are some of the best of parts of fiction, so it’s really refreshing to read this.

That’s pretty much it for the foreword and its appeal towards readers. I think your foreword does have a good ability of drawing readers in. There just need to be tweaks here and there.

As for the rest of the story, I gave you high marks because it really was a page turner! The chapters were short and that added lots of suspense. Also, you had these simple cliffhangers (that I think weren’t meant to be cliffhangers), but they made me want to read on, and thus I finished the story in one quick sitting. One thing I would like to suggest is to not add those comment replies in your author’s note section. I know a lot of people like replying to their reader’s questions and replying through comment isn’t really helpful. But, in this kind of suspenseful story, I felt it kinda ruined the mood a bit. I was all excited after an intense chapter, and then I would quickly want to move on to the next chapter, but then I’d get distracted by the amount of replies and sometimes a reader can read the mood to read really quickly. But, this is really a small point. If you like replying to comments through an author’s note, by all means keep it up.

One other thing is to not have too many colours in the author’s note area. It’s okay to use colours because that section is not really a part of the fic itself. But, it would be neater and cleaner if the colour, font and size of the text were uniform throughout your author’s note.

Your characters are realistic, and have interesting personalities and readers like new, fresh characters that are understandable, and this story delivers all those elements. I think each character has individually been well developed, but I’ll touch more on this subject in the later parts of the review. I think the biggest reason this was a page turner was because of the interesting plot. I mean, as the reader I just wanted to continue reading to find out what would happen. In the beginning, the questions surrounded Lizzie and whether her obsession with Key would become unhealthy to a crazy point. And then the questions were around Leeteuk and whether he’d go through with taking someone’s life after Lizzie’s death. Then finally, near the last chapters, it was whether Toki and Key would get back together, and ‘til the end, nothing was concrete and sure, so I had to read until the last word to answer all my questions.  

You had hidden your number of subscribers, but judging by the views your fic garnered, I’m sure a lot of people enjoyed it and I’m sure your readers were on the edge of their seat waiting for your updates.

Writing Style - 7/10

This review is getting too long, so I apologize for my rambling! For this section, again I gave you pretty high marks because your writing flowed well and it was easy to read. You used a variety of sentences, some being short, others long, and together it just worked.

There were little grammar and punctuation mistakes here and there (I’ll touch on this later in the review too), but they were very minimal, so as the reader, I was able to easily overlook them and continue reading.

I think the one thing that your writing lacked a little was the setting. You were able to describe events well enough, but for the setting you just gave a location without ever dwelling too much on its description. One thing that you have to remember is that your reader doesn’t have as much insight into the story as you do, and so, as the author, it’s your duty to paint a very vivid picture for them so that they can easily imagine the story in their head as they read.

For example, the gym was a recurring location in this story. But, you don’t really need to spend too long describing this because most people will obviously know what a gym looks like. Of course, instead of physically describing it, you could opt for talking about the “feel” of the gym at the time of your story. The trick to good descriptions is using your five senses. Besides talking solely about what you see, talk a little about what you hear (the basketball’s thuds against the floor, the screeching shoes, etc.), talk about the smell of sweat, talk about the wooden bleachers and their rough texture, etc.

For locations like the hospital or Key’s house, you could’ve added a little more description as to the physical appearance of the whole area.

Also, it’s important to not dwell on small unimportant details of the story. I was happy to see that you didn’t drag anything useless for too long (contrary to the foreword where some of the details could’ve easily been omitted). In Chapter 2 you wrote:

She was in a one piece dress and was looking up at us from Kibum's front gate. Kibum's window in his room was huge, so she had a plain view of what we were doing.

That last sentence doesn’t need to be there because the reader can understand subliminally that his window was large enough so Lizzie could see inside. Nonetheless, I think you lacked a little detail too. I wouldn’t say that it felt rushed, but I think each scene could’ve lasted a little longer. Since this is in first person, you have the advantage of writing about the character’s feelings and emotions. For example, if we use the same scene as above-mentioned, you could’ve explained Toki’s shock at seeing Lizzie. I mean, I would be a little freaked out at that moment. You wrote: “I saw someone that made my heart still”, but you could’ve written:

The sight of her staring up at us made my heart still. I froze immediately, and my eyes connected momentarily with hers. In that second, I noticed the mournful expression that clouded her eyes. In that second, I felt the hair on my back rise, and a shiver run through my spine. In that second, I felt hatred towards her for disturbing my privacy, yet there was also an overwhelming guilt that hung around me.

This way, the reader can better experience the story as they read it. I think that’s pretty much it for your writing style. It’s generally easy to read, and again there are small aspects that need to be tweaked here and there, but besides that things are looking good. Sometimes it’s hard to write descriptions, so the only remedy I can think of is to keep reading and inspire yourself from other works. See how other authors write their descriptions, what terminology they use in certain situations, and how they manage to keep the writing detailed yet simple.

If you want to emphasize a point (as in the time in the case of this story), I suggest sticking to italics instead of bolding the text. Additionally, don’t make a new paragraph at the end of (almost) each line. It’s useful in creating suspense, but the lines that you think go together should be coupled into one paragraph. The whole significance behind a paragraph is introducing a new idea. But, besides that, keep up the great work!

Plot - 17/20

The plot was generally original! Like I said earlier, I really wasn’t expecting this story to be the way it was. The whole concept with the stalker and the psychological aftermath was really well done. It was interesting, and as I mentioned, it really was a page turner because of all the suspense that you built.

The story was realistic, and possible. One of the biggest parts of being original is asking yourself if the story is possible in real life. If you do deem it’s possible then the next step is to ask yourself whether the story is cliché and overused or is it new and fresh.

Something that a lot of people forget is that a story always has a theme. This theme could be a universal truth, a general belief or a lesson. In this story, it was easy to pick up the theme of chances. Also, judging by the comments you got on your fic, I think you achieved to deliver another subliminal theme as well. You really showed the readers that these situations are possible (situations with stalkers that is), and I think you succeeded in getting them to really ponder over this whole issue. I applaud you for that!

A lot of times in stories, I don’t recommend switching between POVs too much, but in this case it was well done and it was really insightful as the reader was able to understand each situation really well through the various perspectives. Like I said earlier, I just wish some scenes had been a little longer. For example the kiss scene: you described hand movements, and the general actions linked to kissing, but I wish you had dwelled a little more on how Toki emotionally felt during the kiss.

Also I found the ending just a little cliché (the fact that she left then came back), but I’ll touch more on this point and the originality of the story later on in the review.

Besides that, your plot had a lot of depth to it. It was interesting, it was unique, and it was good. I could visualize the events on a plot graph and map out the conflicts in my head, which is really great. The content was always pertinent, and it flowed well so the readers were able to keep up with all the events and take everything in bit by bit.

Characterization - 13/15

I think your characterizations were one of the best parts of this fic. The four main stars were well defined with interesting backgrounds. The psychology behind each person was also really cool. They were all really original and fresh. I’ve never read Key as the sporty type so that was an interesting change. Lizzie written as a psycho stalker was really different from her usual sweet self, and Leeteuk was probably the most intriguing.

I deducted a few marks because my favourite character in this was Lizzie, and I was a bit sad that you didn’t write in her POV even once. The readers did know that Lizzie was obsessed with Key, but I think they didn’t get to sympathize enough with her simply because we hadn’t read her perspective. Maybe you could’ve talked further in detail about how Lizzie had first met Key, and maybe you could’ve even described her little “shrine” for him some more. Reading personally about her emotional state, and getting insight on her POV would’ve really helped the readers in getting to know Lizzie better.

Also, I found Leeteuk’s sudden mental change a bit unexpected. I mean, it’s understandable that he loved his sister and was quite scarred after her death, but I think you could’ve developed a little more on his care for his little sister. The best to do this would’ve been to have added a little flashback or maybe even a passage with Leeteuk remembering their childhood memories. That way, the readers would’ve really been able to see how important Lizzie was to Leeteuk. But (once again), these are just small details. I really liked how you described Leeteuk after Lizzie’s death. The whole scene with him staring at the picture was so raw and perfect. I could really feel the intensity of it all.

Key’s character seemed to be pretty minor because he didn’t change too much in terms of his psychological state. I think Toki was an interesting case though. I think you did really well with her characterization. I loved how hostile she was in the beginning, but still how she wanted to make Lizzie happy too. The scene with her taking the knife was also very dramatic. I think from then on, guilt was what changed Toki and she had to leave to think over everything (which also reasonable and quite understandable). Well done!

All in all, the characters complimented each other well. They were all well developed and well written, and so they were easy to read and understand. I suggest dwelling a little more on the individual character’s emotions and backgrounds to add more emphasis on their personalities. Also, usually only the main character evolves (or changes) during a story. So you have to be careful when you show other character’s changing their behaviour too. The best way to keep it original and realistic is to show that the character always had the ability to be different and that certain events triggered the change in personality (for example, you could’ve shown that Leeteuk beat up bullies when they bothered his sister, so it would be logical that after Lizzie’s death he would want to beat up whoever was responsible). Besides the little details here and there, the characterizations were really great! Continue thinking outside the box and you’ll always manage to create amazing and unique characters.

Writing Mechanics - 4/5

Your writing mechanics are generally really great! I took off a few points because there were some spelling errors here and there, but they were most likely the type of errors you missed while proofreading. Also, there were some words that were misspelled, but they were all words that are commonly misspelled, so I recommend that whenever you’re unsure of how to spell a certain word, search it up. It takes only a few seconds and it’s worth it. You could also opt for a beta reader who can look over your writing for any typos.

Besides that there were also some punctuation errors here and there. The majority of them were problems with commas. They were really minimal nonetheless, but here’s one that I found:

I played Kibum's guitar as he hummed along in the shower after yet another basketball training, horribly out of tune and making me laugh. 

So the problem here is that the reader doesn’t know if Toki (the one speaking) is horribly out of tune or if it’s Kibum. We are also unsure of whether she’s laughing at herself or him. This is where commas can come into use. However a lot of times, if you move around parts of your sentence, the entire phrase can sound better. If it was Kibum who was out of tune, the sentence should’ve been written as:

I played Kibum's guitar and laughed as he hummed along horribly out of tune in the shower after yet another basketball training. 

If it was Toki who was out of tune, it should’ve been written like this:

I played Kibum's guitar horribly out of tune and laughed as he hummed along in the shower after yet another basketball training

So in general the grammar was good. Like I pointed out, there were small mistakes here and there, but they didn’t really ruin the flow of the story nor were they very bothersome. The choice of words was generally good too though you could’ve used the thesaurus a little more and added more variety (thus adding more imagery to the text). Also, remember to add more detail and tell a story that can easily be visualized.

As a writer, you want to draw a picture in the reader’s mind. Obviously it’s not supposed to be a super specific picture because that would be boring and, as a reader, I wouldn’t want to be able to predict all the events before the happen. Instead, you should only sketch out the picture and let the reader fill in the holes as the story progresses. A lot of people like stories that allow the reader to interpret things their own way. If you give a bunch of information to your reader, it’s like your chucking paint into their mind and hoping it makes some sort of shape. Like I said, draw the lines, but let the reader connect the dots, and don’t just throw colour over your picture right away. Instead, you should slowly add it in with your details and in the end your reader should have a perfect portrait of the story in their mind.

Anyways, I’m not too fickle about grammar because I know a lot of people don’t speak English as their first language. Heck, English is my second language as well, but the only thing I can suggest is to continue learning new words, and reading and practicing. Those are the only things that will help broaden your vocabulary and improve your writing skills. By experimenting and writing random passages now and then, you can easily get better and better. But, remember that there’s always room for improvement, and so once you take your writing one step higher and you’re satisfied, crank it up another notch. You’ll only learn by challenging yourself!

Originality/Creativity - 22/25

I think throughout the review I’ve touched on the originality of this piece a few times already. I think what you wrote was really creative. A lot of people write love triangles and the topic is getting quite cliché. But, I really liked the twists you added into the story. It still was that typical love triangle, but the way your portrayed it and the conflicts you chose were very original. They were new, they were fresh, and they were effective. People who write love stories like this usually just want to get across the point that love is hard and in love you face many trials. This story was the definition of trials. I mean there was romantic love and sibling love and when it all came together, it made such an amazing story.

Not only did this show that love is hard, but it was realistic, and it was really a “worst-case-scenario” type of fic, where at the end the readers were probably happy that their lives weren’t that bad. All the scenes were well written and you the story seemed so sharp and dangerous, yet under all the psychological problems and angst, there were some love stories. I guess I just really liked how you showed new dangers to love, and all these scary facts that are true and possible. So I gave you high points for putting a twist on a classic storyline.

The one thing I didn’t like was the ending. I mean as soon as Toki was in the hospital, I predicted the story’s end right away. I knew that she’d want to leave, but that in the end, she’d come back and the two lover would reunite. Still, I really liked how you ended it at such a point where they had only caught sight of their other half. In a lot of other stories, the author’s end with kissing and all that stuff. But, it was really refreshing to read the ending of this story. You left the reader wanting a little more, and the ending was pretty open for interpretation. Next time, challenge yourself by trying to write an unexpected ending!

Also, there have been stalker fics written before, but they’re not too overused, and the context this is written in makes it a bit different. Other fics with stalkers tend to focus on the angst and danger aspect, whereas this one is really about love and second chances. Again, great job!

**General Comments : I hope you’re okay with the score. This story was really great, so the problem I had was that I didn’t really know what to give you advice on because the problems were really minor. Nonetheless, you told me that you still wanted to know what could be improved so that you could refer to this advice for your future stories. I’m usually not this picky at all, but like I said this was already a great story, and so the only problems I could pick out were small and minimal. Don’t hesitate to message me if you have any comments or questions.

83/100 ; 83%

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Questions;

How can the story be lengthened? How can I write longer chapters?

To be honest, the length of your chapters shouldn’t really matter. In the case of your specific story, I actually liked the short chapters. They were really intense and the fact that they were short just added a lot more suspense to the story. It felt like everything was moving faster and it was exciting starting, then finishing, then moving on to the next chapter, etc. Like I’ve mentioned throughout the review, by adding simple details as you go along, the chapters will become longer.

Also, try adding other POVs of the same scene. For example, there was that scene were Lizzie was staring up at Toki and Key through the window. It was all written in Toki’s perspective, but it might’ve been insightful to have read Lizzie’s view in that situation. This tactic can be employed to a variety of scenes of course.

Besides that, spend more time describing the setting and that add length to your chapters. I know for this story you were trying to stick to a strict concept and that’s why you have eleven chapters. Like I’ve explained throughout this review, by adding flashbacks, more background detail, more emotions, and more description, you’ll be able to write longer chapters. Hope that helps!

How well did the psychological part fit in?

This is the first time I’ve read a psychological fiction so I can’t give you too much input in this regard. In my opinion, the psychological aspect of the story was really well done. I’ve talked about this throughout the review, but you could’ve developed some emotions a little more. Also, you could’ve given more background information which would’ve helped in understanding certain decisions made by the characters.

But, in general I think you did really well. Psychological stories have to be treated carefully, but in this case I think you handled it properly. In this story, you used a “cause-to-effect” theme where some events incited others and it was kind of like a domino effect. In the end everyone had changed or evolved and I think that was really the point : to show the readers the challenges in a relationship, and also how you have to adapt and react in certain situations.

Sorry that I can’t give too much input on this. You could always get a second opinion, but I find that the psychological part fit in really well, and I will hold this fic as my standard when I stumble upon some other psychological story.

I’m a little unconfident with characterization. How can I come up with unique and fresh characters?

Good characterization is really hard to achieve. It’s very difficult to create that perfectly unique hero who everyone will adore. I’ve discussed the characterization in this story already so I won’t dwell on it too much. Here are some easy ways to create some fresh personalities for your story:

The first thing you need to do is choose idols that are appropriate for the vibe you’re trying to set. When you’re trying to create an OC, make sure to step away from stereotypes and create a character who you think would fit best in the story. Going back to the idea with idols, make sure you don’t stereotype them either. For example, a lot of people write Key as a diva. So you did a great job by making him a jock here, but his silly self still shone. Thus it’s really important to keep an idol’s true self in the character, but it’s also essential to interpret them in your own way. If you want to write Key, keep some of his real traits as well, like he’s caring and he cooks well, so on and so forth. But, add other aspects to his character that make him new and fresh. That way the readers would want to read more about him because he would be new to them. You want to really show your readers that you’re keeping the essence of the idol, but adding your own twists.

Another point to consider is the character’s background. You don’t want to always have a preppy hero. That really gets boring. Change it up. Add some tragedy to his/her past. In a story, you really want the readers to connect with the characters. You want them to feel the same feelings the characters feel. So, it’s important to tug at their heartstrings once in a while. But, you don’t want to go overboard with any of this of course. Sometimes keeping it simple is the best way to go.

In the end, you can never create the perfect character. There will always be holes in their personality. What’s important is that you write someone who is enjoyable for you and your readers. Keep it light, keep it fresh, and keep it realistic. Stay away from the common idol stereotypes and add your little twists here and there.

**Note : Sorry it took so long. I became really busy with school over the past week and recently busted my finger (which is completely bandaged) so it took a while to type things up. I have a one week vacation coming up so I’m hoping to get more reviews done then ^^ Also, if anyone is intimidated by the length and wants a short review, I think that you should specify that you want a short review in your request so that as a reviewer I know what you’re looking for. If you don’t specify, I’ll just go ahead and write a long review like this one. I apologize for typos. I was too lazy to look over everything.

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