Title: I'm Just Another Bystander

Consultant/Reviewer: ChangCheree 

FYI: used a different rubric

 click here to go to story

Plot - 21/25

As we’re only six chapters into the story, it’s kind of tough to give a definite mark on the plot. However, from what I’ve seen so far, you’re doing all the right things; the tension between Taemin and Hyunae is simply delectable. I really enjoy how you take a spin on the typical bully/school-life themes in fanfiction, such that the protagonist is a “bystander” and the bullied Taemin is actually somewhat a prick, not a prince on a white horse. The story is definitely speeding up as it progresses and the turn of events are not at all expected. Additionally, it was interesting how the story began on a meta-fiction note and followed a non-linear timeline.

The reason I did not give you a full mark on this section was because many of the scenes, I felt, were excessive and, frankly, boring. You come off as a fairly thoughtful writer to me, because most of your scenes are there for some purpose—even Hyunae’s solo dinner scene was there to bring up her mother and emphasize her loner status. However, I feel that you need to learn to cut down on the ‘boring’/non-Taemin-related moments. This is fanfiction, after all, but that’s not the only excuse. Some writers dohave the ability to make their OCs just as (if not more) interesting than the idols. These writers can insert as many scenes pivoted on the OC as fit their fancy, and people would still rave like mad. Unfortunately, you aren’t one of these writers quite yet. Hyunae’s characterization is fine, but your narrative abilities are not, and as such, your story loses “spark” once the OC is by herself. In other words, the scenes without Taemin are simply unentertaining. I don’t mean to say this to break your heart or anything. The story would be fine, probably, if it weren’t meant to be read as fanfiction. You have to understand that, unfortunately, people read fanfics to fantasize about their idols, not to fantasize about an OC (most of the time). The opening scene is fine, but the pertinent information in the first part of Chapter 3 should be introduced some other way. 

I did not take off marks for this, but I think your story would benefit from some kind of defined conflict. We’re six chapters into the story, which means that the ‘setting’ phase should be over. However, other than the whole bully idea, I can’t identify any real conflict pulling the story along. There are many different types of stories out there, and depending on the genre and the author’s intentions, they unfold differently. Some stories mention the conflict by the first paragraph and spend the wholes story trying to settle it. There are stories that build up slowly, but escalate into these flashing explosions and then are capped off then and there; then there are those that are built on character flaws, and things fall into pieces faster and faster as the story moves along; there are also the traditional find conflict, resolve conflict stories. There are also these sit-com-esque stories that have no real . However, the common point of these different types of plotlines is that by the sixth chapter the reason that the story is continuing, or the reason why the reader would want to remain subscribed, is identified. Right now, you’ve only presented a few minor arches, but there is no real underlining conflict in the story. I don’t really know what to look forward to in the long run. I’m not saying to rush things; I’m saying that it’s necessary for you to give the reader a little something to hang onto at this point. Foreshadow! You’re telling a story from a non-linear timeline, so this is definitely the most convenient tool. Or perhaps you have, and I’m just too insensitive to notice it? 

Language & Style - 15/25

This is the weakest section of your story—which actually isn’t a bad thing, because style and form is something that only requires practice and is fun to experiment with. It also means that you did really well on the other sections, so congratulations!

In terms of basic grammatical mistakes, there are virtually none. There is the occasional typo, but I’m sure a beta can point those out for you and won’t go in depth about them because they don’t take away from the story. On a side note, this is a pretty subjective thing to say, but I personally don’t like seeing excessive Korean expressions in fanfics. I mean, formalities like hyung/unnie/oppa/noona are alright, but it just doesn’t make sense to me when a bit of dialogue is in both Korean and English. Um. It’s just… it’s weird.

I think that style is even more important in fanfiction than in literature. Fanfiction is usually updated chapter by chapter, and the reader’s attention is usually tugged in not by the plot, but by the style and how well you execute your ideas. There are many readers who, despite being intrigued by the plot, simply won’t take the effort to slog through dulled passages. The ones who will remain will skim through the story, miss relevant details, confuse themselves, and ultimately leave. Style can also either make or break a first person narrative. If done well, it reflects the psychological state of the biased narrator and eases tension or mood into a specific scene. It helps characterize the protagonist and bring the reader’s attention where demanded. If done poorly, it sags to no ends and is simply unapproachable.

Most writers don’t bother with the language and make it as simple as possible: list the least number of details/epithets/descriptions necessary, drop the occasional snark comment, and move the hell on. Others write rather methodically, with lean, athletic prose. Some choose to drag their way through lyrical descriptions and show off their taste for diction while at it. Some play with literally everything they can think of (even fonts) to achieve this startling display of virtuosity that makes the language itself art. All of these are successful methods in storytelling, but not all of them choose to “show”. Hence, your question about showing versus telling, despite being a good one, might not necessarily help you find your groove. In any case, you’re right. You’re telling in detail. Great detail. To be honest, I had to remind myself to stop skimming more frequently than I’d have liked. I’ve once written a review focusing on the problem of showing/telling and have pasted the relevant sections below.

“I’m going to make a crude comparison between “show/tell” and a woman stripping. Strippers never go and reveal everything. Instead, they display what has been revealed in almost every pose so that we can see it in great detail. Writing should be about equivalent. You can give us a little of this, a little of that, enough for us to make out the big picture but never the big picture itself. Leave us room for imagination. This is the difference between telling and telling everything.

Many beginning or even advanced writers sometimes struggle with showing/telling. Some don’t use it at all, in the name of style. Some use it the wrong way. Some use it way too frequently. Hemingway once vaguely tried his hand at describing what “Show, Don’t Tell” means:

If a writer of prose knows enough of what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them. The dignity of movement of an ice-berg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water

It’s actually rather simple. When you show the reader something, the reader feels it in her guts. When you tell the reader something, the reader processes it in her brain. This idea is therefore most useful for expressive sections of stories—when a character is suffering or undergoing psychological metamorphosis, or when something dramatic had occurred. However, you must differentiate showing from telling in detail. When you tell in detail, everything is exposed. When you show, you can omit important thoughts and descriptions and the reader will still know exactly what you mean.

For example, telling is “Jack and Jill danced ily”. Showing is “Their bodies writhed together, fiercely like felines and close enough to feel one another’s panting, close enough to breathe one another’s air…”

When you “show” something, it slows down the pace of the story and puts the reader’s attention on what you’re showing. However, if you try to “show” through the whole story, the entire piece will be monotonous, hard to read, and lo-o-ong. A good writer finds the balance.

Adding onto what has been said, there are also writers who can show without being overtly descriptive and mushy. They usually use staccato sentences and focus the narration on the main points. This is especially important for first person narration, as it is meant to be the character talking, in one form or another, to the audience (or another character). Human speech isn’t always made up of repetitive noun/adverb/verb/perdicate/adjective/object/conjunctions. There are variations. People don’t finish sentences. People begin stammering when they’re nervous or overwhelmed. The sentences become shorter and forced. For example, you opened your story with the following:

“I walk through the front door and take off my black pumps to slip on my bunny slippers. (I’m not a big fan of the slippers that show your toes. I just came back from doing my first back of job interviews and for some reason I’m exhausted…”

First of all, it sounds like you’re forcing a third person limited narration into the mouth of a narrator. Everything is listed out in order, one action after another, with equal attention to each movement. I can’t feel the character’s voice while reading something like this. What does the character focus her attention on? What doesn’t she pay attention to? What does she feel? What does she sense? What kind of colloquialisms does she have? What’s her mood as she’s going through these motions? Why are the sentences so perfect? It’s like she’s writing in the tone of an academic paper. Let your character speak for herself. Let her say what she wants to say. Imagine that you were the one walking through the front door. Let’s say if I was. I wouldn’t say that, hm, I walked through the front door and put on my slippers. I would probably first about the door handle not working, or how friggin’ cold it was, or how much I loved my bunny slippers. I might even make a note to myself about washing my slippers. Or perhaps I wouldn’t mention walking through the door or slippers at all. I might just talk about the ty day I had interviewing or how there was a bastard of an interviewer. Either way, I wouldn’t go flat through everything. Or let’s say if my imaginary, hard- friend was narrating. She would probably be brain-dead after a long day and say something like: “Door. Cold handle. Colder than my step-mom’s . Ow. Ow. Damn it, these shoes! Ow. Fumble for bunny slippers—, where did I buy these pumps?” If you wanted to go on and list the events, a much better narrative person would have been third person limited. Also, it’s important to maintain the same voice in narration and dialogue. Hyunae appears to speak like a potty mouth, but the monologues are surprisingly free of obscenities.

With all that vagueness aside, two specific ways to improve your writing as of now is to pay much more attention to sentence structure and filtering out useless details that we don’t need to know about the character. For example, what does open-toed slippers have to do with the character? As for sentence structure, make sure that you vary them—not just their length, but their structure and form as well. Feel free to use italics (or even upper case), varied punctuation marks, dashes, excessive commas, so on. Be less repetitive with sentence structure. Your opening paragraph’s sentences were all of the same structure (I walk through the door… I’m not a big fan of…I just came back…and I’m exhausted. I set my purse… I rest my feet… I flip through the channel… I giggle at the captions…). Try varying sentence structure. Introduce different clauses. Merge sentences, chop them up, etc. 

You should also pay more attention to diction. I’m not a horridly elitist person when it comes to vocabulary, but it’s important to keep the reader entertained with your word choice. You don’t necessarily have to use big words. Just be creative. Make flashy comparisons, pull some flamboyant adjectives/expressions, be as precise and concise as possible. For example, Hyunae probably didn’t “rest [her] feet on the couch so [she’s] able to sprawl across both cushions.” She probably “kicked her feet up on the couch and hogged both cushions.”  Or something.

I’m sorry for this horridly long section. I guess if you were to try to take anything out of it, just remember that first person narrative means that you, the writer, have the responsibility to let your character’s voice shine through. Be creative! Butcher things! Writing in first person is like acting. Put yourself in your character’s shoes and ramble/whine/swear as much as you’d like. You’ve got great potential for this; there are instances where you use some pretty clever expressions. It would be fabulous if those instances could occur more frequently.

Originality & Entertainment - 15/20

Quite an original story! I really, really, really enjoyed the way you characterized Taemin. I don’t think you can understand how impressed I was with his character. Wow. Just wow. Hyunae, somehow, pales in comparison to Taemin, simply because hard-nosed, loner female protagonists are a little… I don’t know, maybe not? In any case, both protagonists were much, much fun. The plotline was rather interesting, the scenes pieced together rationally (though I did have a few quips about realism—but it wouldn’t be a story if it weren’t a little bit of a high tale). I like how, instead of doing the usual “I’m some idol’s bodyguard”, you chose to place the concept in a school environment and make the male idol completely uncooperative. I also enjoyed how the story started off with an angst sort of tone and how versatile you were with controlling the mood of the story, such that at certain points it really did seem like a romantic comedy.

However, I can’t say that I was necessarily entertained by this story. The writing bogged down just about every aspect—the flow, the characterization, even the plot at times felt weaker than it was. I’m a reviewer who places a lot of emphasis on writing, and, to be honest, I’ll have to pull the rug on you for this. Additionally, there were times you tend to fixate excessively on semi-witty dialogue (in basically every chapter). I’m a pretty conservative person when it comes to dialogue. If it’s not necessary for something (comedy, characterization, providing clues, etc.), cut it out. Too much bantering makes the story lack substance. There are also times that you go into winded-description mode (mainly the beginning of chapter 3). It would be nice if you could’ve broken some dialogue into that. For example, instead of letting Hyunae reminisce about her mother swearing out her father, let her recall a specific verbal exchange with her mother. Inserting some dialogue there would help draw the reader back in.

Flow - 6/10

In terms of sentence flow, as I’ve mentioned in the language/style section, the writing was lacking. The sentence structures were repetitive and the character monologues were bogged down to reciting of facts/opinions. I also noted previously the point about the unnecessary dialogue, which was detrimental to the flow as well. As for the smoothness of the plot overall, this section is rather commendable. I enjoyed how easily this story moved from one development to the next. Nothing felt choppy or out of order—well-done.

Ability to draw readers in - 10/20

I think the ability of a writer to draw readers in really depends on a great number of factors—pretty much everything from characterization to pacing. As for the smoothness of the plot overall, this section is rather commendable. I enjoyed how easily this story moved from one development to the next. Nothing felt choppy or out of order—well-done. At first I was a little skittish about how fast the plot was moving, because nothing really significant had occurred, but as soon as I hit Chapter four (or so?), I think the pace definitely picked up. There are stories out there that start slow like yours, but the truth is that most of them are pairings—which means that the readers are there to ship their OTPs and won’t care how slow the story drags so long as their biases are there to fill up time. Many stories which involve OCs need to start off with a bang (or so to speak), and then slow down to provide the filler/backdrop. You’ve kind of got the hang of it, seeing as you did start with a hook (why is Hyunae sad about Taemin? What happened in the past?), but the hook was not particularly attractive—especially not when the first part has been diluted with minute descriptions of her taking off her shoes and settling into a couch to flip on the TV and finally(!) see Taemin. Even the flashback started on a slow note, with a rather typical scene of an idol being bullied. It might have worked better if you chopped up the timeline in the story even more. Pull out the most exciting (or second most) scene in the rising action segment first, and then spend some chapters describing it, before leading up to the . Fanfiction is different from an original story because, in an original story, readers are willing to wait to be satisfied—whereas in fanfiction, either the bias shows up immediately, lugging drama-drama-drama (or outrageous things happen immediately), or people run away. 

Also, your initial chapters ended on rather handicapped notes. The thing is, your plot developments are rather interesting—but the ending to each “arch” is rather uninteresting. Hyunae passes out, Taemin calls someone. So what? Hyunae and Taemin don’t get along—so? Female protagonist forced into tolerating icky companion by the principle—we’ve all seen that before. What’s new? It’s important to provide a little taste of the ridiculousness that occurs next at the ending of each chapter (call it a cliff-hanger if it suits your taste), especially at the introductory phase when readers can wane off easily. By the time your story has built up pace and a definite, thrilling conflict has been identified, cliff-hangers really are no longer necessary, unless you enjoy reading comments badgering you to update.

I’m not sure about other reviewers/readers out there, but I’m really only drawn to a story if it entertains me. However, I can’t say that I was necessarily entertained by this story. The writing bogged down just about every aspect—the flow, the characterization, even the plot at times felt weaker than it was. I’m a reviewer who places a lot of emphasis on writing, and, to be honest, I’ll have to pull the rug on you for this. Additionally, there were times you tend to fixate excessively on semi-witty dialogue (in basically every chapter). I’m a pretty conservative person when it comes to dialogue. If it’s not necessary for something (comedy, characterization, providing clues, etc.), cut it out. Too much bantering makes the story lack substance. There are also times that you go into winded-description mode (mainly the beginning of chapter 3). It would be nice if you could’ve broken some dialogue into that. For example, instead of letting Hyunae reminisce about her mother swearing out her father, let her recall a specific verbal exchange with her mother. Inserting some dialogue there would help draw the reader back in.

Characters - 7/10

There is nothing particularly wrong about your characters. Sure, the twin bullies are a bit of a cliché, but I feel that every story needs its share of stock characters—otherwise everything will be too uncontrollable and surreal. This is, after all, a first person narrative. The biased narrator, Hyunae, will probably cast people into specific roles (that’s what people do), and so it would actually be more realistic of her to view certain people certain ways. They’re also nice juxtaposition to the main cast, Taemin and Hyunae.

I am especially, especially, especially impressed by the way you made Taemin out to be. I love how he did not turn out to be anything like what the first chapter insinuated. In fact, he stays very much in character through-out, as does Hyunae. Hyunae is a strong protagonist. However, I feel as if she lacks some sort of flaw (of consequence). All of her weaknesses can also be seen as strengths; there is nothing really… out of place with her. She’s not a Mary Sue, but in a sense I could squint a little and box her in the Sue family. This makes her have a stock character feel. Ultimately, however, it is important to keep both characters evolving throughout the story. Let them change each other. People do wear one another down in real life (or perhaps life wears them down). By the end of the story, make it seem as if something about them has matured, as if they have changed naturally. Or unnaturally. This especially applies for Taemin; at this rate, I think it’ll be fairly easy to get desensitized to his current, biting personality. As the story pans out (I’m sure you’ve thought of this, judging by the opening of the first chapter), Taemin must show all his other faces as well. Let him have a real weakness, other than being a general, unappreciative brat.

I took off marks from this section for two reasons. First, as you pointed out, it’s hard for a character to be completely original. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t try. Every human being has a quirk of some sort, no matter how small it might be (for example, Super Junior’s aegyo boy, Sungmin, has knowledge of martial arts), that will make him break out of his stereotype group. For a loner-with-a-heart-of-gold protagonist such as Hyunae, perhaps you can have fluffy bunny slippers as a running joke. Or maybe she has a weird, almost out-of-character like of glitter/fluff.  Or maybe she really likes carrots. Pick out and focus on something peculiar about your character that would make her, not original, but memorable—such that when I read the name Hyunae five years from now, I’ll have a weird thought about potatoes or something. Or Taemin (though banana milk is overdone).

The second reason will probably make you hate me. Your writing really bogged down Hyunae’s characterization. Despite giving her three-dimensional traits, she spoke in a two-dimensional way, with one-dimensional thoughts and about zero sense of self. If it’s difficult for you to write in her shoes, write in your own shoes. Tell her story like you’re telling your own story. This is a first person narrative. You absolutely must find a voice. Any kind of.

Presentation - 4.5/5

I loved the simple formatting, but sometimes the font isn’t consistent between chapters and that kind of bothered me. Just a little. Sorry.

Title - 4/5

I don’t like grading titles because I only know what’s horrible or great. I can’t really tell what level of good it’s on. I like your title, but I think that I could have liked it more. It feels a little wordy to me. Personally, I’m fond of simple titles. Bystander would have been interesting. Just Another Bystander would have also been fine. I don’t know. I like how you picked out the bystander concept though. It’s relevant and relates to the story on more than one level. The chapter titles also got really good (especially after chapter four). Well-done! 
 

**Just as a side note, tragedy is not the same thing as angst. Angst is the emotional turmoil of a character, psychological struggles against self or man or god. Angst is a character being depressed/anxious and fretting as a major trait or development. It doesn’t necessarily end in tragedy. Perhaps nothing really tragic ever happened to the character. Tragedy is more of the typical sad story, in which characters might not be all that full of angst.

82.5/120 ; 69% 

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Questions;

I feel like I hinted at the answer to this throughout the review, but to put it more bluntly, there’s really many factors at play here. One thing is writing style/voice, another is giving them hooks. Since my forte is crack and psychological/thriller/angst, I’ll give you my take on it. Others might disagree.

First of all, there should be character tension; the most popular form (because there’s lots of audiences) is . Then there is the psychological tug-of-war between two vastly different (or similar) characters—not just bantering, but increasing radical responses and the feeling that their relationship is escalating, close to exploding—all hail, thunder, and volcanic eruptions as we fling ourselves towards the final crash. Dramatic tension, intermingling storylines, complicated relationships. These are essential aspects of a fic that involves original characters. On the other hand, most applicable to your story is narrative voice. A good, outlandish narrator, saying outrageous things and pulling words out of clouds, draws anyone in. She doesn’t even have to be likeable. I’ve read many fics where the female protagonist is a queen and people love her.

If you’re talking about how to draw people in from the foreword, I have a feeling that character descriptions aren’t going to do the trick. Readers who read fics based on character outlines aren’t usual the same ones who go for the most direct form of entertainment. They want , comedy, tears, anger, violence all in one go, and fast, fast, fast. With your eye to detail, you should prepare your description/foreword for the more mature readers who are willing to wait to understand a character—the same readers who will be turned away by character descriptions and pictures. You should brush up your writing and provide an excerpt in the foreword. Perhaps you can select the cream of the cream of your plot developments and place them in order, tempting the reader to find out how one scene led to the next. Sometimes the simplest lines draw readers in. It might just be better to leave a stark, witty (or beautiful, or angsty, whatever—) line and let the readers be pulled in by the plot and the characters.

I actually answered this in the review, but to sum it up, you can think of “showing” from two different ways.

One, you can either completely immerse yourself in the role you’re playing (Hyunae), and write the scenes as if you’re experiencing them yourself. What I mean by this is that, when you sit on a couch, you wouldn’t think “Oh, I’m sitting on a couch. Hm. Interesting.” Instead, you would think of something like “Why is this couch so sticky? Did someone spill juice on this?” or “the cushions feel gross against my bum…” or you might remember accidentally witnessing your roommate having with her boyfriend on it.  When you look at Taemin, the first thing that comes to mind shouldn’t be that he’s smirking. It should be that he looks like a narcissistic bastard and you’d like to pull at his annoying lips until they fall into pieces. And then you might realize that he’s smirking and that that’s why he looks so bloody annoying. When you write, either be extremely direct or subtle. Saying “I felt fear that instant, curling into my veins, biting at my fingertips and gnawing away at my knees. Cold fear…” or “My guts sunk in and my skin crawled. My mind swam with escape routes…” is better than “I was afraid”.  Of course, after writing something like this, it is often necessary to go back and pillage your writing in the name of editing, because frequently it’s easy to get out of control and turn either too mushy or sharp.

Two, you can do it methodically. Edit tons. Write, rewrite, rewrite again. Focus your attention on senses—seldomly (and only when absolutely necessary), emotions. Focus on small details and a whole bunch of them. It’s like those ink dot drawings, where billions of little dots, not lines, form an image. Each little detail should be like a dot that, when taken individually, might not even mean anything. They could be based on what the character feels physically. Or, you could choose to compare things. Make metaphors. Don’t go about describing things directly. It’s easier and more fun to compare them with other things. An overused example is the Cheshire grin, instead of an evil/knowing one.

•  I know my characters aren't the most original (It's almost impossible to come up with a completely original character, there's 10,000+ stories on this site) but how do I keep them from being flat?

I mentioned this one as well, I think. Give your babies little things. Small traits. Not overwhelming, categorical stereotypes, but little bits and pieces that make up a human being. Think of them as people that you might know in real life. Compare, say, Taemin to a kid you really hated in middle school. There must be something about him that makes him the kid you really hated, versus the kid who was friends with the kid you really hated. Perhaps he had an annoying way of on his gum. Or perhaps he makes stupid jokes. Or perhaps he just has that super-duper annoying look on his face that somehow triggers your violence button. Mention it repeatedly throughout the fic, such that it becomes a sort of character trait. As for Hyunae, you can either play it safe and give her little quirks, or you could go in and troll her character trait list and make her a lesbian to start.

•  Was my introduction appealing and able to draw in readers?

I don’t know if it drew in readers, but judging by your number of subscribers to view ratio, probably... no? Your description was more like a summary. I don’t think that’s wrong, because it’s called “description” for a reason, but you could’ve teased the readers a bit more. Show them some drama. Some angst. A really moving bit of dialogue or something. Personally speaking, I also wasn’t very inclined to continue reading, though mine problem with it was purely on the style note. Additionally, the story started off a bit slow. A good majority of readers want to have a kick start in the first part of the story, at least. 

To be honest, my only expertise in the field of violence writing is limited to mad gore. But, from my little bit of gore!knowledge, I’d recommend you to show more than tell in this section. I think showing is really important for dramatic scenes. It’s like stylized gore. Violence in writing is not the same thing as violence in films. You can’t just list out what happened. You must help the reader along—make similes, metaphors, switch up your diction. Don’t say that Taemin hugged his stomach. Say that Taemin clutched at it. Pay excessive attention to the smallest details. Don’t say that Taemin was looking at them. Say that Taemin was looking through them. Never be blunt and note that he acted defiant. Say that some part of his body looked defiant. He had defiant eyes. Or a defiant curl of the lips. Deviant stare. I don’t know. Add in some onomatopoeias or something! Spice it up. Play around. I know I told you earlier in the review that telling isn’t all that bad, but telling in an action scene really could result in terror.

Disclaimer: I hereby disown all of my typos. All of them.

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