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Title: The Masked Dancer

Reviewer/Consultant: ChangDictator

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Title

I don’t like to pick on titles for two reasons: one, authors write titles with different intentions and, two, my I’m a pretty picky reader, so what I’m likely to click on might not necessarily be representative of what everyone else clicks on. I think the relationship between a potential reader and a title is that between a man and a woman on a blind date. There are titles that are in your face with, you know, obscenities (, , , playboy, bastard, , etc.) that shamelessly sell themselves because they know they’ll catch attention. Cute, witty, and approachable titles are quite popular and usually include a pun or radiate fluffiness all over the place. Writers who are either lazy arses or intellectually-gifted write titles that push you off, kind of playing hard-to-get as a method of reeling in attention (titles in foreign languages, or with ultra obscure words). Then there are hipster titles, usually visually appealing with weird punctuation/mechanics. I’m not going to list any more types, but as you probably understand, different men go for different women. Different readers go for different titles, and really, sometimes parents (authors) might not even want to sell their babies (stories) to a specific kind of guy. Advanced writers who make up elaborate themes probably don’t want pre-teen readers complaining about the complexity, whereas novice writers wouldn’t want advanced readers ing about the lack of character development.

To be honest, I’m a fairly difficult reader. I like titles that flirt with me, in a sense. If I were to see your title, I doubt that I’d be drawn to it because it’s a bit plain. Masked Dancer sounds like something from a familiar, overdone theme. Adding the article in front already gives away the premise of your story. I like titles that support the concept/theme, because that way they’re part of the writing and not just there to catch attention, as compared to titles that reflect the storyline. Yours was a title that reflected more than supported, I believe. Plus, it’s really not very visually appealing. ‘Masked’ appears to be the only hook and it’s not a very strong one, in my opinion.

However, this is clearly not the case for the rest of your readers. You have an enormous number of readers with just five chapters, which means that your title definitely brings people in. Plus, the title is not gaudy and relates to your story. It’s easy to see why you chose the title from the description/foreword. Since I feel that your story is one meant for immediate entertainment, not some kind of artsy interpretation of societal ideals and restraints, there is no need for more depth anyway. It fits both the genre and the plotline. A pretty strong choice for your intentions, I’d say.

Ability to draw readers in (pageturner)

I think I already gave you my subjectivity speech in the title section, so I won’t go off sprouting about how your story has fundamental differences with my taste here. I can see how people would be drawn to this kind of story because it has the right formula. It’s kind of like escapist literature. All the relationships are cute. There is no struggle, so it’s not really emotionally disturbing. It’s pretty easy to read and relate to. There is fanfiction written for the sake of art, and there is fanfiction written for the sake of fantasy. Yours belong strictly in the latter group and, if compared to other stories in the same group, would fare fairly well in this section. 

However, I personally would not have been drawn to your story. To be blunt, it’s just not my cup of tea and I’m a selective tea drinker. The first thing that would have turned me away is your writing. You have potential for writing well, but the basics are off. If I stick around despite the writing, I wouldn’t have made it past the first chapter because I don’t like memorizing a whole cascade of characters and roles, so your throwing a bucket of names would have scared me off. Also, thus far the plot has been more or less sub-original and the characterization either non-existent or flat. I suppose I’ve seen your type of stories a bit too often, so I wouldn’t be as drawn to it.

Writing style

I think that you’re caught in some kind of transitional phase in writing. On the one hand, you employ some advanced and interesting sentence structures, but on the other, your grammar is lacking and your style is not professional. It feels like you’ve got the gist of writing fluidly, but are crippled with elementary mistakes. I’d really like to praise you on your knack for English, considering that this is your first fic, but due to time constraints I can only fixate on the lesser aspects of your style. Instead of lecturing over abstract concepts, I’ll go through your basic mistakes quickly so that you can fix the immediate problems first. I really, really recommend that you find a beta and thoroughly comb through your writing with her. 

1. There were some awkward sentences scattered throughout the story that distorted the flow. For example, “you smirked back at him, then, you looked at your group,” is just wrong. You should never write something like this, unless there is a specific purpose for doing so. This is far after telling; it’s more like listing. Apply fics are tough to write simply because it’s awkward trying not to sound like you’re giving the readers a list of commands, but here you actually did give the reader a list of things to do. That’s a big no-no. You shouldn’t tell the reader what she’s doing. You should tell the reader what she’s feeling. Apply fanfics aren’t written for the sake of controlling a reader; they’re written for the sake of bringing a reader into a story as a character, and as a character, they expect to feel. Feel and hear and taste, not being told what to do and when to do it. In other words, apply fics should focus on how the reader is feeling.

It helps if you act the “you” role and write not only your thoughts, but also what you sense as well as what you know. Only what you, the character, know. Not what you, the writer, know. For example, “you” already had your eyes closed in chapter one—so how would you know, with your eyes closed, that the judge faced the crowd and swiftly raised your hand as a sign of victory? Wouldn't it be more likely if you felt someone’s hand around your own, pulling yours up, and assumed that it was the judge letting you know of a victory?

2. Also, why did you switch between first and second person in chapter two? What’s the point of it? I sense that you did it because it was easier to explain Hyewon’s background in first person because doing so in second person would sound too commanding. But unless there’s some other reason, I don’t suggest switching narrative persons. It’s a major inconsistency in terms of style. In fact, it makes it seem as if you can’t successfully pull off either narrative perspectives. Because it doesn’t seem to be there for any astounding stylistic purpose, it should be cut out. Either stick with second or with first.

3. You need to work on your word-choice. Try to be more precise when describing things. You don’t necessarily have to show all the time, but it helps if you strike a balance between showing and telling. Also, you need to stop skimming and start actually telling (or showing—preferably showing). Right now it feels like you’re just going through the notions of storytelling. Applyfics are tough nuts to crack in the sense that they depend on showing more than anything else, because they promise to involve the readers, let them “play a role” in the story, feel what it feels to be in love, to fall out of love, to encounter and struggle against conflicts. Showing is absolutely essential in apply fics. You can’t just tell a reader the gist of what happened, and then expect her to wade her way through things. You can pull off a first person narrative with over-abundant telling, but apply fics are just… you must either tell in detail or show. I have the exact same advice for you as I did for braveheart, so I really, really suggest that you read over Chapter Four in Inklings studio. If you have more questions on this section, I encourage you to ask.

4. You should work on your sentence flow by varying the sentence length. Try to experiment with English and push the envelope. Add your own flair. I don’t mean make basic grammatical mistakes, but feel free to utilize a whole array of different sentence types. There are word sentences, staccato sentences, open sentences, etc. However, don’t play around with this simply for the sake of looking more advanced; you should always have a purpose behind writing something a certain way—reflecting the character’s psyche, establishing the flow, so on.

5. This is going to be the most abstract point that I’ll make in this review. When I read your story, I realized that I kept skimming. It was hard for me to focus on your words, not because I have ADHD, but because the way you narrate is not magnetic. It doesn’t command or demand attention because it has no substance. For one, there is way too much useless bantering flying around and not nearly enough attention to details or emotion. I feel as if I’m reading a transcribed movie script. A writer should challenge her readers, provide hints here and there and have them fill the rest out, not leave them out in the wild with nothing but a vague summary of what they’re expected to know. This also goes back to the whole show/tell ordeal. Once again, I suggest that you go through braveheart’s review. Her writing tended to fixate a bit too heavily on the details, yours not enough. She didn’t quite understand how to describe, but you simply did not describe. You threw random adjectives and expressions out there occasionally, such as “the crowd went wild while yelling his name” (Chapter 4), but for brain-dead readers (like me), that’s not enough to picture something. So how wild was the crowd? Were they “a sea of pulsating cheers”, or were they an eruption of shrieks? Were they like fangirls, or more like street-dancing experts? Did they cheer because of his charisma or did they cheer because they were fans?

Plot

I feel like I’ll end up misjudging you on this section no matter what I say, because thus far barely anything has really happened in the story. I’d guesstimate that you’re embarking on the rising action around Chapter five, so it’s unfair for me to try to point out plot conflicts or anything as for now. From what I’ve seen thus far, your pacing is a bit…off. I don’t know if it’s intentional that you make your chapters so short. On the one hand, they’re approachable, but on the other, it feels as if almost nothing happens in each chapter. For one, we’re on chapter six already and Hoya has literally just started getting close to Hyewon. In usual fanfics, the protagonists have their “first major encounter” at least before chapter two or three.

The story doesn’t necessarily drag, but nothing really happens before you cut off to the next chapter. There is too much setting up going on, and you endeavor to unveil Hyewon’s whole past (though briefly) and introduce everyone in one piece in chapter two, which drags the storyline. It was nice that you picked the chapter up with the note on Dongwoo, however, but I would much rather preferred to see Hyewon’s past revealed a bit at a time throughout the story. Because Hyewon is an OC and people read fanfics to fantasize about their idols, but OCs, OCs should almost never appear “alone”. They should appear with one idol or the other until the readers grow fond of them enough to care to read a whole half chapter about their past.

I’ll keep this section brief chiefly because nothing of consequence has occurred in the story as of yet.

Characterization

I also can’t elaborate too much on this section because you haven’t gotten the chance to do much characterization with just six chapters and such a huge cast. All I have is a vague image of every character and what you’ve described them to be. To be honest, I can’t remember all of your characters outside of Dongwoo and Hoya. If I weren’t a major Cassielf, I would barely remember Eunhyuk and Yunho. I think this is because you piled everyone on at once in the opening chapter (and the foreword). I personally cannot stand it when the writer pulls something like this because my memory is terrible and I enjoy growing attached to characters, not buffeting them at first sight. I’m sure there are readers who approve of this, because in a sense it gives a “big family” feel right off that bat, and it’s not that important to keep track of side-characters.

Still, I like focused writing and characterization. If a character isn’t needed, don’t talk about her. Focus your time on something more important, like characterizing the main cast. For example, the tall slender girl in chapter one could just be referred to as a judge; no one needs or wants to know if she’s a she, a he, a she-he, or an it because it wouldn’t change the plot.

Also, because we’re still at the early stages of the story, I feel that it’s better for me to misjudge you than to let you potentially go down the wrong road. As of now, it feels like you’re playing with a cast with stock profiles—a big family of Mary Sues, Gary Sues, Best Friend Sues, and Lover Sues. Every single one of them have personalities that I’ve seen somewhere before; not just that, but all these personalities are associated with their expected roles. The bright and happy best friend; the perfect crush; the annoying jerk/future-love interest. I’m pretty lenient when it comes to originality of characters, because I feel that sometimes clichéd characters are necessary to bring the focus back to the plot, but as of now your plot hasn’t really shined very much… so perhaps it’s time to bring the quirks back to the characters? For one, it’s really important to get your main character (Hyewon) down and then fit everyone to her, or the other way around. Hoya, as well, feels like another faceless arrogant/erted/playboy-esque/hot/confident -who-really-isn’t-one.

I use this for my own writing, so I’m not sure if it’ll apply as well to you, but I usually try to base characters off of myself, people I know, or strangers on the street. When you see a stranger on the street, you should guess what kind of person they are—and obviously, you wouldn’t stick just to the compliments. If he’s hot, you’ll think that he might be a four-timing . Or if he’s neat, perhaps a control freak? If he talks a lot, he’s clingy. If he doesn’t talk, he’s moody; bipolar, even. It’s even easier to base characters off of yourself, because you already know your weaknesses and strengths well. You should never write a character based on someone ideal, because these always, without fail, turn into Mary Sues. A character must always have faults, and the more consequential they are, the better. I really hope that you can develop your characters more as the plot moves on.

Writing Mechanics

1. I’m not a grammar nazi and I usually don't pick on fluctuating tenses, but yours were quite frequent. For example, for your foreword, I wasn’t sure if you meant to write it in past or present tense. “Words couldn't express how you adore your passion so much. You just can't live without it.” should be “Words cannot express how much you adore your passion. You just can't live without it,” or “Words couldn't express how much you adored your passion. You just couldn't live without it.” Chapters should generally remain in the same tense, unless you’re moving around the storyline or talking about events that have occurred or will occur. Tense inconsistencies should almost never occur in the same sentence, because the discrepancy will stand out more when the parts are placed closely together.

2. Really elementary things: using asterisks in stories to denote thoughts or action is wrong. Wrong. Very wrong. Asterisks should only appear to point out endnotes, or if you were quoting a text message or something. Also, no random insertion of links in the middle of the story. Links should be placed in the author’s note at the beginning or end of the chapter. If you’re afraid that the reader wouldn’t be able to find it, put in an asterisks or some kind of number/symbol to note what the link applies to.

3. I don't mind writing in uppercase, but for you it's either uppercase or lower case and that’s not generally accepted. Uppercase is really, very… there. It literally gives the sense that the narrator is SCREAMING. Try italics instead. I also don’t encourage bolding, let alone in combination with uppercase. I honestly don’t know what level of skin-peeling agony that is on. Some reviewers tell people not to use uppercase at all, but I’m a bit more lenient. I think that you should only use uppercase when absolutely, absolutely necessary. When you write in uppercase, you should always have a better reason for it than simply “for emphasis’.  As for bold, use it for stylistic purposes after you’ve ran out of italicizing and uppercasing.

Originality/Creativity

Once again, I’ve only seen six short chapters of what you have in store. As of now, the plot is more or less unexciting. I mean, you’ve got interesting things occurring but they’re all things that we’ve seen before—a bet, the female protagonist passing out, the female protagonist waking up in the male protagonist’s bed, the male protagonist changing her clothes because she’d get sick otherwise, etc. It’s interesting that you decided to write about dance troops; I feel like that’s a refreshing theme. I can’t say that you’re absolutely unoriginal, but I feel like you’re recycling some used scenes, when you could do otherwise. Then again, this is only the opening, and you still have plenty of time to prove me wrong. Same go for the characters and the writing style. Nothing sticks out about your characters or story. They’re not very memorable. I understand that this is only a romance, so emotional turmoil isn’t part of the repertoire, but there are other ways to achieve originality. Try creating more drama. Write a character off; that always gets the creative juices flowing. Have your characters push the story; let them do what they want, don’t push them to do things. I feel like character should write their own fates, because that way the characterization and plot both feel more realistic.

Final Notes

I know I was really mean to you on this one. I’m trying not to write a 10-paged essay like I did last time, but as a result I didn’t have much room for praise. I’m really proud of you for having written this awesome as a first story! Just make sure to tidy up/develope your characters, be a little more original with the plot, and work on the writing mechanics with a beta. Especially the tenses. Otherwise, not bad!

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Questions;

• Advice on capturing the reader’s attention and making them want to read more:How can I show more and explain things in more detail instead of telling all the time?How do I keep characters from being flat?Was my introduction appealing?

The description was. The last line certainly caught my attention (though I’m not sure if that’s due to the bolding). However, I really, really do not encourage giving out pictures or character profiles. I noticed that you actually elaborated on their profiles in the story, so it’s not necessary to put out a character chart at the beginning. Plus, it makes your story seem more amateur than it actually is. If you really want to put up pictures, it’s probably alright to post a tiny picture at the beginning of each chapter for fun, not for the sake of telling people what/how they look like. For the foreword, maybe you can take out the spicier bits of conversation and paste them in (such as Hyewon waking up in Hoya’s room), or even the more melodramatic explanations of what dance means to Hyewon. The opening sequence in Chapter One wasn’t too bad; it had a movie sort of feeling. I simply wish that you could be a bit more descriptive with things to bring out all the colors of nightlife. Definitely intriguing, to the right audience. 

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