when the memories hit they hit hard, and when the feelings accumulate, lacing themselves around yoongi, seeping into his bones, well -

it feels as if he's drowning.

he's never felt so lost, so confused, but suddenly the hopelessness is there, like a cloud following him around all day and night, and if he can't get to sleep soon then he feels like he'll surely go insane.

he'd wanted to say something, to bring himself out of the darkness that he had long ago so readily accepted, but when he opened his mouth to talk, to say something, anything, all that came out was a small sigh and a grimace, and all that that lead to was a worried look from seokjin and a promised talk with namjoon, something that yoongi didn't want, didn't want at all, and -

if he's looking for help, then he surely won't find it from himself.

he's tried before.

when things became too much for him he dissapeared off into the studio, isolating and dissociating him from the others, s that he loved to death but just couldn't bear to be around sometimes, because -

because they were all so perfect.

way more so than yoongi was, or ever has been, or ever will be.

and it burns. to know that he's not good enough. to know that he belongs but just doesn't quite fit.

and it's not their fault at all, not their fault that yoongi is self-depreciating, not their fault that sometimes he feels like actually jumping, just ceasing to exist, and it doesn't have anything to do with -

yoongi sighs, staring at the track in front of him, hearing the beat and the lyrics pulling at his skin.

it doesn't sound right.

nothing sounds right.

yoongi wants it to sound right.

yoongi has gotten used to not getting what he wants. it's okay. he gets over it, and then it's fine, not a big deal at all, but -

lately everything burns, more so than usual, and it hurts but it shouldn't, because he'd had this before but never quite this badly, and -

then he's curling into a ball, face pushed into his knees, the air from his lungs leaving him, leaving him gasping, and he's alone so it's kind of like -

yoongi brought this upon himself, he knows that. he could've just stayed at the dorm, should have, but nothing feels better and nothing feels worse than trying to drag himself out of his own personal hell, something that frequented him more times than he'd like to admit.

and he knows, he knows that the others struggle too, that this isn't only just about him, but he can't -

he can't bring himself to say anything.

because if they know, then they'll treat yoongi like glass.

and glass is easily shattered, easily thrown to the side to crack and to pull away at it's edges -

yoongi feels a little too much like glass, at times.

there's a sudden pull on his hoodie, soft and gentle, and as yoongi looks up, words staining his lips, he notices jimin, who just -

god, he looks gorgeous. jimin has always been gorgeous, but it's been more noticeable, between their last comeback and that moment. or to yoongi it had been, anyway, and it just results in yoongi crumbling and falling more into himself, and why did he even -

but the pull has become more forceful, dragging him out of the muddied water, into jimin's arms, safe and warm, and yoongi -

he just wants to breathe.

but the stars have aligned to only pull them away from each other, never closer, never in the same orbit, and -

well, yoongi wants, but jimin doesn't, and yoongi supposes that he'll just have to get used to that, too.

because while yoongi had always been a dreamer, he also realized that some dreams just don't happen, can't happen, weren't meant to happen, and with cut teeth and a scarred mind, yoongi realized that this dream would just have to be in that case.

because jimin, as nice and as beautiful, and as talkative and as lively, and as warm and as inviting as he is, well -

yoongi can't see them being a match, anyway.

because while yoongi loves jimin with all of his heart, he wants the best for him, and yoongi definitely is not the best, and it's a short realization that yoongi has known for years but has never really dived into, has never even tried to push to the deep end.

it burns.

and while jimin holds him yoongi tries to breathe, studdering the air back into his god forsaken lungs, bidding his mind to relax and calm, and

and jimin mutters soft reasurrances into yoongi's ear, something that yoongi appreciates but it's not really helping, if anything it's just diving him further, making him wish for more, something that yoongi knows that he can't and won't have.

his breathing slows, soft but there, and his body doesn't succumb with the force of his shaking, anymore, and as jimin reaches down to glide his fingers over yoongi's cheeks yoongi realizes that he'd been crying, which was embarrassing just by itself, but

but jimin doesn't seem to mind, doesn't ask any questions, just holds him until yoongi can see straight withought the dark spots clouding his vision, until he can take a breath without the water clogging his lungs, and, well.

yoongi may not be okay, and some days are worse than others, but as long as he has jimin, in whatever form they come in

he knows he'll be okay.

 

~

*Cross posted on archiveofourown.org*