Episode 19

Junghwan

1 Year Ago, Air Force Graduation Ceremony

               ‘Junghwan.’

‘Yes?’ I replied looking up to see who was talking to me. It was a fellow air force officer, who came to greet me after our graduation ceremony.

‘Aren’t you a bit excited to finally graduate from the Air Force School? You can finally achieve your dream of becoming Tom Cruise… Oh wait… You aren’t as good looking as him,’ the officer snickered.

I laughed along with him, noting the Top Gun reference. ‘Ugh, Officer, can you imagine? If I became more good looking than this, Korean men will have no girls.’

The officer laughed good-naturedly and slapped me in the back gently. ‘Sure, sure. But you do know that you can only give the fiancée ring to one person, right? It’s a tradition and so far, people who propose with the fiancée ring haven’t gotten rejected. Do you have anyone in mind? Would you like me to hook you up with someone?’

Deoksun. That very name ran through my mind. My first love. Who I think I lost to my best friend, Taek. ‘No,’ I replied to the officer. ‘It’s okay. I can probably find a random girl who would fall for me. You think Kim Junghwan would get rejected?’

The officer smirked. ‘You have to live LIFE Junghwan! Well hopefully some poor girl will go to you. Ugh I already feel so bad for her. Whoever she is, get her before she gets taken away by another guy, okay?’

I smiled half-heartedly. ‘You too, officer.’

Present (1994)

I toss and turn all night, tears streaming down my face. The rain is pouring outside, as if to resemble my torn heart, filled with turmoil and angst. No one knows, no one understands what I’m going through. I have to give up Deoksun. The girl even kept looking at the doorway, waiting for HIM. That bastard with extremely good timing. Like seriously, what kind of watch does he have?

My first love. The girl I waited so long for, since I was a kid. The girl I had come to love, yet who is looking at a different direction. Why is love about timing? Being bold? Must I give her up for my best friend?

It’s not even as if I can tell this to anyone. Dongryong and Sunwoo are all aware of Taek’s feelings. What would they think of me? Most likely girl stealer, betrayer of the bro code, and lastly the jerk who puts love before friends. I put my hands over my face, as I think, “I don’t want to cry anymore.”

***In the Morning***

“Junghwan! Wake up!” my mother screams from the kitchen. Half-asleep, I glance over at my clock to see that it is already 9:00 AM. Grudgingly, I slowly peel off my blanket and walk over to the kitchen. On the table, I see an assortment of food, all handmade by my mother. It is times like this I want to thank her for loving me, because I don’t know if I deserve it. My mother smiles up at me, holding out a plate full of steaming galbi, a dish that… Deoksun likes…

I look at her questioningly, and she orders, “Give this to Deoksun’s family.” I roll my eyes. Please. Not. This. Again.

I walked down the steps and see Sunwoo holding a pile of bananas and oranges to give to my mom. He looks at the galbi in my hands and sighs. “I can’t believe we still have to exchange food,” he remarks. I nod in agreement. As he goes to my house, I go down to where Deoksun lives.

“Ahjumma!” I call out, waiting in the kitchen area. This place is still, as usual, pretty small. Deoksun comes out instead, dressed in only pajamas when it is freezing in her house.

“What’s up?” Deoksun asks. My heart wrenches for a moment but I overcome it quickly and hand over the galbi.

“My mother wanted to give this to your family,” I explain. She smiles for a bit, possibly remembering the food exchange we had daily when we were young and takes it. Then she stares at me, her eyes full of an emotion that I can’t quite read. Hurt? Nostalgia? Deoksun’s mom comes right out and smiles widely at the sight of galbi.

“OOOOMOO-YAAA, oh gosh how can we… Hold on for a moment Junghwan, I’ll give you some soup to go with that,” she exclaims. I don’t really pay attention to her because in the moment, Deoksun is staring into my eyes, as if she’s expecting something. Because I promised myself I wouldn’t cry anymore and because I promised myself I wouldn’t get hurt any longer, I look away to Ahjumma, who is currently humming as she prepares a bowl of soup.

Is love like that? Why does it have to be such a cruel emotion that punches you in the gut, squeezes your heart, messes with it, fills your mind with only that person, and while it gives you strength, it also puts an immense amount of fear into you, so much that you can’t do anything. If Cupid realized how it felt to be in love, why did he continue to make it this way? God damn you Cupid.

I go back into my house and my mother is waiting for me at the kitchen table. It seems as if my father and my brother both ate and went back to their respective rooms. I sit down in front of her, slowly starting to eat despite the fact that I feel as if I have indigestion. The house is silent, only with the sound of me eating. My mother keeps watching me with crossed arms. “Do you need to tell me something?” I ask her. She has a serious look on her face.

“Junghwan-ah. How are you lately?”

Her words stop me cold. My eyes pool with tears and I’m trying so hard not to give away my emotions. How am I lately? I haven’t been able to sleep properly for years. I gave up the girl I love to my best friend. Why… is my life so difficult?

“I’m fine, Mother,” I reply with a smile. I don’t think she buys it, but what can she really say when I’m not willing to tell her?

She sighs heavily, pats my shoulder, and goes off to her room. Why is it so hard for me to tell anyone?

*** Few Days Later

I see Taek and Deoksun walking side by side, smiling at each other. I can tell that Taek is totally in love with Deoksun, but to be honest, I can’t tell what her expression conveys. Deoksun notices me and gives a small smile while Taek on the other hand, gives me a cold look.

“Hey Jung-pal,” Deoksun greets. I wave as if to brush them off, not really wanting to be with them when I still haven’t gotten over my feelings for her. She starts to say something, but I close the gates behind me. It’s done. She’s with him. I lean back on the gate and think of how stupid I was, on the day of the first snow when Deoksun got rejected by Sunwoo. I was so happy, so elated and hopeful that I could possibly have a chance with this girl. Because since I was young, she had been my all. But as I lean back on that very same gate, I realize that I shouldn’t have kept hoping and dreaming. Hope is a dangerous thing.

Taek

Deoksun keeps staring at the gate that closed right in front of her. I can tell she’s trying to maintain a poker face, but it is breaking. Why does she… Why does it have to be him? I want to make her happy. I want to make her smile. But it seems as if her heart… lies beyond that gate.

***Flashback to after the concert

‘Deoksun!’ I waved her over. She had just gone to the bathroom and was coming back, grinning from ear to ear.

‘That was such an amazing concert. Lee Seung-hwan’s voice is amazing. How can he be such a man?’ she swooned.

I felt a pang of jealousy but I kept a smile. ‘That’s nice. Keep wearing the coat. You must still be freezing.’

Her expression changed from excitement to ambivalence. ‘Taek-ah. I think… you and I need to talk.’ I could tell it was something I didn’t want to talk about.

‘Sure Deoksun,’ I replied. ‘Let’s talk later. Let’s get some food first.’ I wanted to stall whatever she was trying to say as much as possible.

She looked skeptical but agreed to my suggestion. We went to a local café where they were playing some Lee Seung-hwan songs in the background. Deoksun sang along to them and I was a bit hopeful that she wouldn’t bring up the subject she wanted to talk about. But fate was not on my side.

‘Taek-ah… The reason why I wanted to talk was—‘

‘Deoksun-ah, do you want me to order something? I’ll just—‘

‘Taek. Stop,’ she ordered. I slowly looked at her. Her expression was cold yet determined. I sensed rejection. But I had no choice, could I? Who she would ultimately like was her choice to make and her choice only.

‘Taek-ah,’ she said more softly and gently. ‘You’ve been so good to me. You were one of my closest friends ever since we were kids and ever since you moved into our neighborhood. We always hung out at your house to play games, watch movies… You were, in a sense, a part of me.’ She cleared and I dreaded what she was about to say next. ‘But I now realize that you have feelings for me. I was ignorant six years ago and didn't realize what love truly was, nor how to know if someone likes you. Heck, I didn’t even know who I liked! But Taek-ah, now I know. Now I know what it’s like to be in love. And I want to go all in. I want to go after that person, and be with someone that I like not someone who loves me. Before, I wanted to be with someone who would love me. I think it’s because I didn’t receive a lot of love growing up. I now know who I want to be with. And Taek… thank you for loving me but… you’re not… him.’

***Present (1994)

I feel a sharp pang in my chest and my head. I think I’m going to have a migraine or pass out. But I know that what has to be done must be done. I cautiously take out a ring box from my bag and hold it out to her. “Deoksun-ah. This.”

She turns away from the gate, and sighs, “Taek, plea—“

I shake my head furiously. ‘Open it.’ She grudgingly takes the ring box and opens it carefully. Her eyes widens with disbe