Seol

Her eyes open without any warning. The room was dark, the candle had went out a long time ago. But she knew that she will not be able to fall asleep again, not with how wide awake she felt. Wrapping the covers around her toddler body, she walks as quietly as she can to the small window in the room. Close to the windowsill, there was a candle burning and even though the paper on the window, she could still see the moonlight. Getting comfortable on the floor by sitting down then wrapping the comforter all around her, she starts one of the favorite thing to do, sky watching. Even if it was through a closed paper window.

How long had she been in this world? How much had see wished to see a familiar face? She could still remember it all, just like she could remember how she woke up in this world in a body of an infant.

She remember being close to 40 years old or so. Her royal father had passed away more than fifteen years. Her adoptive father had also passed away a couple of years ago, her 13th uncle has been banished for his affair. Her half-brother then her cousin had already sat on the throne, now it was another cousin of her on the throne. But the politics was not a subject that she was interested in, no her focus had been on her family.

On taking care of her in-laws, on raising her children, taking care of her husband and on praying for her parents. But she did not know how much that devotion will hurt her in the end. It was such a painful lesson that even now in this younger body she still felt a shiver when she thought about it.

Her husband, the man that she had chosen to marry was a good person. An intelligent and strong man that both of her fathers had accepted him as her husband. Her stepmother Lady Muhye must have been just glad that the child of her husband from a former marriage was now out of her residence. She had always tried her best to be a good daughter to Lady Muhye but even then she was never completely accepted.

When her adoptive father Wang Jung was not there, she was kept away from her step-siblings and constantly being raised by servants and the hidden remarks that she heard about how her behaviour was so unrefined and even savage, those kinds of thing had truly hurt her. But she had never complained. To her, it was an obvious thing for Lady Muhye to not be so accepting of her. But she still had been glad when she had been wedded and could finally move out of the Yoo household.

The years of her marriage went smoothly, her in-laws were accepting of her, not to mention the connection to the royal family it brought them, but they accepted her sometimes clumsy self as she was. Now that she look back, it was after her royal father's death that things changed but she was oblivious to the change in her family's behaviour.

She did not protest when her husband took a second, even a third wife, she knew it was common. Nor when the new wives gave birth soon after their marriage to her husband, it seemed to her like the babies were born too early, and she never treated those children different from her own. Even when her two sons started to spend more and more with their father and hardly visiting her, Seol had been happy. Her children were spending time with their father, what was wrong with that? Her mother-in-law who frequently invite her over for tea did not do that often. Her father-in-law and brother-in-laws did not change at all from their quiet self so she was not even suspicious at all. All till that night, that night right before she drowned.

Just like now, she had woken from her sleep unexpectedly and could not go back to sleep. So she had went to walk around the compound after pulling a plain pink hanbok on top of her sleepwear to cover herself. Just as she was about to enter the gardens, there had been a light from one of the empty storage sheds. Her curiosity peaked she had silently went to investigate. But she had not been prepared for what she found out. Even now it hurts just thinking about it.

That her husband no longer loved her, no he had said in that shed, that only reason he had not divorced her was because she was related by blood to the monarch as was the reason that she had married her in the first place. The only reason her in-laws were silent towards her now was because after the 4th king's death, who apparently had someone constantly watching the house to make sure that she had been treated well had withdrawn so they could now act the way they wanted towards her.

Get the daughter-in-law that they wanted. To her in-laws, a child of a prince and an unknown court lady that was already dead was nothing compared to the daughters of highly successful merchants with lots of wealth. Her sons had been turned against her, no they were not her sons at all, the sons that she had raised so lovingly, they were bastard children of her husband, her biological children had been stillborn. Because of the tea that they served her through her pregnancy.

She had not been able to handle anymore, she had put her hands over to muffle any sound she made and escape to her room, and just hid under the covers like she used to as a child. Then she had cried. Cried again and again at the betrayal, at being taken advantage of, about the death of her children. From underneath her blanket, she saw a shadow of a butterfly.

She missed them. She missed her parents. Her adoptive father who even if he was naive at times, he was loving. Her royal father, the one that she had never even been able to call Abeoji not in once, how he loved her so much. So much that he had always had someone silently guarding her, whom she knew had been the one to constantly send her gifts. And her mother, the mother that she never knew, whom she only heard stories of but the one that she resembled so much. She had wished to go back to a simpler time, to meet her birth parents, to be a person of value to someone again. Eventually she was so exhausted that she had fallen asleep with tears still running down her cheeks.

At that dawn, that day, she was dropped into the lake, still wrapped up in her blankets so she could not escape easily. The last thing she had seen was the sunlight just hitting the surface of the water. But she did not die. No she was just frozen in place in that water, at least her body was.

Her soul was not. It was in a body of someone from a time long before she recognized anything, but when that someone slept, Seol was awake inside her mind. That was where she saw her own memories playing out in front of her. That time, she didn't know how long but it allowed her to deal with the shock and understand. Seeing her own self from the outside, she could see things that she had missed.

How her royal father's eyes always held a lot of love for her, how her adoptive father tried so much to hide her away from others, even the signs of great dislike in Lady Muhye's eyes. Then the behaviour of that family, the one that she had not noticed, the signs of their betrayal that was always present in someway from the moment she had entered their household. But with those bad memories, she remember the times in her childhood, the happy times of being so loved so much by her royal father and all the signs that showed how much he had longed for her mother. Eventually, that unknown female whose body her soul was in had died, and she was back in that frozen water.

In what seemed a blink of an eye, she had opened her eyes in her own body. The body when she was one year old or so. But rather than being in a safe place, she could see that she was in a place full of dangerous men. But she had not let fear rule her body. No she did not know how but she was back in her own body and she had a chance to do over. Sure, a 40 year old woman in the body of a baby, there were lots of adjustments to get used to but she still held on. She had made sure to be silent, and simply listened to the talks around her.

That was how she knew that she had went back in time to when she had not even been born yet. She was in Goryeo under the reign of King Taejo Wang Geon, her royal grandfather. She did not know how to feel about that fact, but when she had remembered that her parents were alive, she was been so happy. They were alive, though she did not know when she will be able to see them once again. To actually see her mother alive, to see her father when he was young before he was burdened by the throne. The chance of seeing them even across the street was enough for her to be brave, to not let these men all around her scare her.

Besides these men were surprisingly good source of information. So when she heard that her parents were getting married, she had been overjoyed beyond words. Though it was not what she had heard to have happened, one of her wishes had been granted. Her parents were joined together in marriage. They were together.

As that winter pass, she had grown and her little baby hanbok did not fit her anymore. But she had pleaded for a new set of clothes from one of the more nicer man around her. Though she knew nothing about pleading, she simply had look at the man while blinking her eyes at him. The next day, she had a pair of silk pink hanbok along with many other hanboks in her possession. Those hanboks were still with her, in this new place that she was in with Jin, a face she remembered as one of her royal father's guards.

She was happy that she was out of that terrible place, but she could not help the nervousness that she felt. Once the sun rise, she will meet her birth parents, her parents who knew exactly who she was for some unknown reason, almost as if they had also traveled back in time as well.

That small glimpse she got of her royal father that night. She had finally understood why those people that betrayed her had been so afraid of him, and how fortunate she is to have such a father who loved her so much. That night it was dark, the camp suddenly had so many children that were obviously held hostage. She didn't know what was going on so she had silently as she could sneaked into the place where the men she knew to be the leaders of these thugs were gathered, that was when she had learnt what was happening in the capital. Rain ritual with three princes as the masters, and her father was one of them. All these children were here because they were held as leverage so that their parents could attack her father.

Why her father? Because her father's own mother had paid them to make sure that her father will leave the capital and for him to be so humiliated that he will never put himself in front of the citizens ever again. Just because he wore a mask because he was scarred and not perfect. The frustration that she felt at this injustice had been so much that she had forgotten the fact that she was hiding and had walked in front of the drunk leaders ready to yell at them for their inhumane actions. Well, that had led to her being held hostage when the masked men came to rescue the few boys that were kept near the leaders.

Even in the dark, she had recognized her royal father. The father that she had longed to see, even if she was being squished by the men that held her and she was scared of the swords held in front of her, she simply just watch the man that she knew to be her father. Even if he did not know who she was, it did not matter at all. Seol's father, the father she had longed for was right here fighting to save her.

But when the men had said her name out loud in his threats, in that pair of very familiar eyes she had seen a flash of recognition, then when their eyes met, even across a distance, she seen that familiar emotion. Love and concern. That familiarity, that precious emotion was enough for her to start crying and she had simply let go of all her adult persona, and be the child that she actually was. She had reached out for the figure in front of her, and called him out with something that she had wanted to call this man as soon as she knew the truth but never could. Abeoji. Her Appa. Her Abeoji.

She did not remember what happened after that clearly, but the fact that her father, like she had always knew he will, had saved her and protected her. That somehow her father also remember her because of that familiar ribbon that he had always put around her gifts being by him. The fact that she was held in his arms, something that she had never been able to do. She had not been able to hug him as she wished because of the spies of Queen Daemok and others, but the feeling of being in that strong and warm arm, with her head on his chest with his heartbeat in her ears, she remember falling asleep peacefully after a really long time.

"Agasshi, are you awake? Do you need me to fetch you something?" Jin's voice breaks her out of her thoughts and she turns to look at where she had been sleeping, her empty mattress without the blankets which she had around her. She didn't know but the darkness outside was now the orange of daybreak. Soon, it will be time. Time that she had perhaps been waiting to come forever. When she will meet her birth parents. Her Abeoji and Eomoni or maybe she could be childish and call them Appa and Omma. That was one of the many things to ask them.

But first she had to get ready, have her breakfast and wear the outfit that she had selected. Looking out the window, she heard the sounds of birds, and right on the paper, she sees a shadow of a butterfly. She will be alright. She will use this new chance and this time she will not be naive, and she will love her parents and enjoy this new life. This life was a gift from the heavens and she will not ever waste such a precious gift.