XI: Joy

On Angel's Wings
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XI

Joy



 

August follows July, and the temperature is hot, almost to an unbearable point. Chanyeol’s visits become less and less frequent, and Baekhyun isn’t sure what’s going on. Jonghui’s the same as always, though there are times when she’s more distant. Her eyes are fixed elsewhere, as if she’s thinking of something else, and there are times when she looks surprised when he taps her.

 

Jongdae is no different. Perhaps he’s a bit more bearable, but Baekhyun can’t really tell. He seldom thinks of it much anymore, but when he’s alone, he sometimes wonders when he’s going to be going back. He doesn’t ask Chanyeol about it — why? Baekhyun wonders, Why don’t I want to ask Chanyeol? — but he wants to and at the same time, doesn’t.

 

Perhaps it’s because he can’t quite bear to leave. It’s hard to admit even to himself, but if he does leave… well, the thought of leaving Jonghui and even Jongdae is hard. He’s so accustomed to them, so used to seeing them around, he can’t quite imagine how life will be like as an angel if he returns there. The thought itself brings him unrest.

 

Baekhyun’s unsure of when he started changing in such a way — before, it was going back that he wanted. But now, it just becomes more and more unclear day by day. He watches Jonghui laughing, throwing cushions at her brother playfully and he wonders if going back is really what he wants.

 

He doesn’t know where his uncertainty stems, but sometimes, Baekhyun thinks that it’s from Jonghui. They’ve spent countless hours together, but strangely, it feels much different than it was in the beginning. He finds herself looking at her more, and when the thought occurs to him that he’s staring, he looks away, embarrassed even though she hadn’t known he was staring. Baekhyun brushes it off every time, though there’s a whisper inside of him that refuses to go away (but he’s also very good at pointedly ignoring it).

 

It’s exactly August sixth when Jongdae pulls him aside one night.
 

It’s a hot day, and the air conditioner is . Even though it’s nighttime, Baekhyun can still feel the heat of the day lingering in the air. Jonghui has retreated to her room, claiming she was tired.

 

He’s left with Jongdae in the living room. The other holds a cup of ice water in his hand, and he’s sitting on the side of the sofa that’s closest to the air conditioner. All the windows and shut tight to keep the hot air out and the cold air in, but it still isn’t very ideal.

 

The sky is yet to darken, and Baekhyun thinks gloomily to himself that he doesn’t like summer. There are times when he goes out with Jonghui and they buy cold drinks and that’s nice, but May had much better weather.

 

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says slowly, “You’ve been here for almost three months, right?”

 

Baekhyun turns to Jongdae just as slowly. “Yes,” he says cautiously, but he can almost see where the conversation leads. “Why?”

 

“I hate to put it bluntly this way, but when are you planning to leave? You do know you can’t stay here forever, right?”

 

“You hate to put it bluntly,” Baekhyun echoes, half to himself.

 

Jongdae’s gaze is sharp. “What?”

 

“When you just met me, you wouldn’t even have said that. You would’ve told me to leave.”

 

He narrows his eyes. “What are you getting at?”

 

Baekhyun almost laughs, but it feels choked. It’s ridiculous, and he wonders if Jongdae feels the same way. Around three months ago, Jongdae had been staring him down, accusing him of taking advantage of Jonghui. And now… now. Baekhyun’s unsure now. He hated Jongdae back then, solely because he felt like an obstacle in his way, but now…

 

“If I leave,” Baekhyun begins, “Will you miss me?”

 

There’s tense silence in the room for a very long time. Neither of them speak, and Baekhyun’s aware of the fact that he has yet to answer Jongdae’s question about leaving, but he himself isn’t sure and he can’t really say. Finally, Jongdae breaks the eye contact and stands up abruptly off the sofa.

 

“Well, I suppose I don’t want to do the dishes alone,” he says gruffly. “I’m going to go to sleep early because I have work tomorrow. Goodnight.”

 

Baekhyun stares as Jongdae’s figure retreats into his room. Well, I suppose I don’t want to do the dishes alone.

 

Is that a yes from Jongdae’s side? The thought is so ridiculous, but at the same time, it brings a twinge of emotion in his chest that Baekhyun can’t place. It’s Jongdae, he shouldn’t really care. Because Jongdae makes him wash the dishes everyday, tries to put him down whenever he can, and Jongdae probably hates him. But still, for some reason, he sits alone on the couch, confused and perhaps slightly sad.

 

Because there will be a day when he has to leave, and Baekhyun knows that full well. He’s not sure if it hurts more to leave, or to be left behind.

 

***

 

“You know,” Jongdae says around a mouthful of rice, “I was thinking of going to Eurwangni beach in a couple of days. I think I can take a day off.”

 

Jonghui’s eyes light up. “Really?”

 

“Yeah, if you want.”

 

“Yes, please! Who’s going?”

 

Jongdae’s eyes meet Baekhyun’s, though surprisingly, there’s no hostility there like Baekhyun would’ve imagined before. His voice is sarcastic, but for some reason, they don’t seem like taunts like they did before, but more of a teasing manner than anything else. “I don’t suppose we’ll be leaving Baekhyun behind. Do you want to invite Jongin and Joonmyeon?”

 

Jonghui seems to think for a moment, before she finally shakes her head. “Let’s just go like this,” she decides, “It’ll be nice to not have a lot of people for once, even though it’s nice being with them.”

 

“How long do you want to stay, then?” Jongdae asks, “It’s not too long of a drive, but we could book a hotel to stay in for a night.”

 

Jonghui hums. “That sounds nice.”

 

“Then it’s set?” Jongdae asks, eyes still trained on his sister expectantly, “You’re okay with this, right?”

 

Jonghui nods, and then it’s set. Baekhyun’s never been to the beach, but when he falls asleep that night, he dreams of how it looks like.

 

***

 

They drive for Eurwangni two days later, and it’s August tenth. Jongdae doesn’t have a car himself, but he rents one. For some reason, both Baekhyun and Jonghui choose to sit in the back, leaving Jongdae alone in the front. Somewhere along the way, Jonghui falls asleep, leaning against the window pane next to her. The air conditioning has turned the car somewhat cold, and Jongdae has forbade them all from opening the window on a highway. Baekhyun drapes one of his extra sweaters over Jonghui, because she’s never hit him as the healthiest person and he wouldn’t have been very surprised if she caught a cold from the air conditioning. Especially since she’s wearing a dress.

 

The rest of the car ride is spent in silence. Baekhyun isn’t sure if Jongdae just doesn’t know what to say, or if he’s afraid of waking Jonghui up — whatever it is, he doesn’t talk either, though he does spend the rest of the time looking at Jonghui. She looks peaceful when asleep, very small under his hoodie. Even though the corners of her lips curl upwards like her brother’s, she doesn’t look like she’s smiling for some reason, right then.

 

He continues looking at her until Jongdae speaks. “Stop looking at her when she’s asleep, you creep,” he says, and Baekhyun jolts, meeting Jongdae’s eyes in the rearview mirror, “That’s not very gentlemanly.”

 

Baekhyun can feel his face warm, though he refuses to back down. “I gave her my sweater, so that is gentlemanly.”

 

“Are you ever gentlemanly?” Jongdae shoots back, “You ruined her birthday cookies by putting—”

 

“Let’s not talk about that,” Baekhyun interrupts loudly, and Jonghui lets out a noise of protest and both of them shut up.

 

***

 

The beach is very crowded, and that’s Baekhyun’s first thought when they arrive there. Jonghui is awake then, though she still looks sleeping, blinking repeatedly and looking around with a lost expression on her face. Their hotel isn’t far off, so they unload the car and head there first.

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Emilieee
[6/28/2017] Ignore the last update IDK what happened lol

Comments

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jade3579
#1
Chapter 1: U KNOW IM GOING TO DEVORE THIS


this will prob b the first story i read on here after like5 years of doing nothing
poprocksgum
#2
Chapter 20: I was reading cutlass and x marks the spot earlier this week and wanted to read something else but i didn’t realise that this was an angst fic and now i just cried for over an hour straight😭😭
pxstellxx
#3
Chapter 21: Such a wonderful story. I read almost all of your works and this is one of the best beside Cutlass. The ending and the epilogue… made me cried. Even though I don’t cry as much as Jongdae’s :D
beesoondingie
#4
Chapter 20: Hi! I've been crying for like two hours nonstop while reading the last chapters and all I can say is: I love you and I hate you so much, Emily hahaha (*sobs*). Anyway, thank you for writing 😭💙 (((Btw, I'm not sure if I'm imagining things but I'm convinced that Chanyeol was somehow in that past hurtful life that Baek choose to forget (*continues sobbing*))))
SwooshingHana
#5
Chapter 20: Hii!

I've mostly been a silent reader, but if I'm honest it's because I was too engrossed in the story lmao.

I really really really enjoyed this. I've had a hard time mourning the people I've lost, and this story was incredibly reminiscent of my journey to healing in the best of ways. I don't know if I'm completely healed yet but just being able to read this with a fond smile instead of being filled with bitterness tells a lot.

Thank you for you, and thank you for doing that for free! Lotsa love.
Baekkyoongja
#6
Chapter 21: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Baekkyoongja
#7
Chapter 20: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 am sorry that I didn’t comment in each chapter.. everything is so perfect am crying again but because am so happy, at least they will have time together again in heaven 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Baekkyoongja
#8
Chapter 19: OMG.. I can’t stop crying 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭.. Omg… and that’s so deep the forget-me-nots.. 😭😭
owlettenvr #9
Chapter 21: Why am i only seeing this fic now where have i been?! This is so good and I’ve been following cutlass from the beginning and x marks the spot and prodigy aahh youre such an awesome writer i mean i really really love your writing, thank you for all the storie \^_^/