Chapter 10

Heartfelt Voice

"Let's focus on teaching again, Park Jiyeon," she told herself as she stepped into the classroom.

All the students stood up and greeted her in chorus, "Good day, Teacher Park."

"Good day, class. Please sit down!" Jiyeon returned the greeting as she plopped down in her chair, placing her bag on the desk. She opened her bag and pulled out her students' exam papers she had graded. She looked at Chaeyeon, who was sitting with her arms folded on the table, her eyes staring down at her book. "Chaeyeon," she called out. Chaeyeon shifted her gaze to her, and Jiyeon smiled. "Come here."

A small smile adorned her face, and Chaeyeon nodded. She stood up and strode over to her desk. Rising to her feet, Jiyeon handed her a stack of the students' exam papers, saying, "Return this to your classmates."

"Okay, Teacher Park," Chaeyeon mouthed as she took it.  

"You don't have to walk around the class. Just call out the name on each paper." Jiyeon gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. Her voice dropped to a whisper: "Don't be afraid. Be loud. You may find your voice sound angry to your own ears, but it may sound fine to everyone who hears you. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling or expressing anger. So don't worry too much about how your voice sounds, okay?"

Chaeyeon gave her a tiny nod and turned to face her classmates. Jiyeon clapped her hands sharply to get the class's attention. "Class, I've graded your exams. The average grade is a C+!" she announced, then gave Chaeyeon a little tap on the arm, signaling her to start.

Chaeyeon nodded. "J-Jung Jaehyun," she called out, sounding soft, shaky, sort of. It seemed like Jaehyun couldn't hear her. He was sitting quietly, his head down and his chin. 

"I can't hear you—speak louder! Stop pretending you're shy and quiet, Chaeyeon!" Sohyun's voice boomed out loud and clear, and her brown eyes roamed around the classroom, adding, "Guys, you know she shouts, screams and laughs loudly when she's at home. She's not shy!"

Jaehyun lifted his head and looked at Sohyun. The disbelief in his voice was palpable: "You're not kidding?"

Sohyun shot him a serious look. "No kidding. I'm her next-door neighbor. You can ask Taeyong; he's her cousin."

Chaeyeon looked down at the floor, and Jiyeon noticed that her arms and legs were shaking quite a bit. The students whispered behind cupped hands. Heads turned away but eyes peeped out from the corners. Waves of laughter filled the air.

"Quiet, class," Jiyeon commanded as she clapped her hands. The laughter died down. All the students sat straight up and looked straight ahead. Her sharp gaze landed on Sohyun. "Are you sure Chaeyeon is just pretending?" Jiyeon raised her voice a notch. "You need to walk in her shoes before you judge her."

Sohyun lowered her head, biting her bottom lip. Jiyeon put her left hand on Chaeyeon's shoulder and squeezed it. "Do not let others put you down and do not be afraid to let your voice be heard. Your voice is important and necessary," Jiyeon whispered encouragingly. "Only you can change yourself—the power is in you, Chaeyeon. Staying silent doesn't evoke change. Trust yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but once you start trusting yourself and feeling more comfortable, it all becomes so much easier."

Looking back at what she had already accomplished, Jiyeon realized she had good reasons to trust herself and believe in herself. To her, trusting yourself meant to allow yourself to do what you believe or feel is right—treat yourself as being stronger, braver and smarter than you think you are. The fact she hadn't conquered her fear of balloons yet did make her feel like she hadn't trusted herself completely yet.

Chaeyeon lifted her head slowly to look up at Jiyeon, her eyes were moist and her bottom lip trembling. She bit her lip for a moment. "Thank you, Teacher Park, for your encouragement," she spoke in a quiet voice.

Jiyeon's smile evaporated as she nodded. The corner of Chaeyeon's lips twitched upward; then she took a deep breath. "Jung Jaehyun," Chaeyeon called out, her body swaying like a twig in a gentle breeze. Her voice sounded shaky; her tone seemed strained.

The right side of Jaehyun's mouth tweaked into a tiny smile as he stood up and strode over to her. His tiny smile broadened into a grin, emphasizing his dimples as Chaehyun handed him his exam paper. His dimples reminded her of her father. Jiyeon found herself smiling widely. He was about six feet tall, very neatly dressed in his school uniform. He wore his short, straight black hair parted in the middle. Such a pretty boy!

Jaehyun's grin disappeared, replaced by an embarrassed look when he looked at the paper. "F?" he muttered through his half-closed lips, shaking his head before he went back to his seat.

"My girl, don't crush on him! He's your student and is four years younger than you!" the voice boomed loud in her left ear, sounding so angry. Jiyeon flinched a bit. Are you jealous, Baekwoon? I know you're Baekwoon. No need to remind me who he is and our !

An occasional muffled laugh escaped her classmates' lips as they watched Chaeyeon, who kept swaying slightly from side to side—call out the name on each paper, her voice sounding uneven. Crossing her arms over her chest, Jiyeon shot them a stern look and mouthed 'respect her'.   

They lapsed into silence. Jiyeon then lightly scratched the tip of her nose, wondering why Chaeyeon kept swaying! While waiting for Chaeyeon to finish returning the exam papers, Jiyeon decided that she was going to write her own math problems on the blackboard. She turned to the board and started writing problems on the chalky surface. She thought Chaeyeon's voice sounded normal now. After she finished writing, Jiyeon turned to face the class, and a small smile played at the edge of . Chaeyeon had stopped swaying. She stood with her shoulders hunched slightly right in front of the teacher's desk, while her classmates were copying what Jiyeon had written on the blackboard into their notebooks.

"Kim Sohyun," Chaeyeon called out in a rather loud-pitched voice.  

Sohyun put her pen down, then rose from her chair and walked over to her. Chaeyeon straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin as she handed her the paper, the corner of her lip twitching. Sohyun's expression was neutral, giving nothing away when she grabbed it and looked at it. Jiyeon shook her head, seeing Sohyun scrunch her exam paper into a ball and throw it into the trash can beside the teacher's desk.

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at Jiyeon. "Miss Park, it's so unfair. I only copied one answer," Sohyun hissed, balling her hands into fists at her sides.

Jiyeon blew out a breath. "If you don't want to get an F, don't cheat," she countered in a low voice, "cheating circumvents the very purpose of school, which is learning. When you cheat on homework or an exam, you deprive yourself of the chance to learn. Get it?"

Sohyun muttered something in a low tone before she went back to her seat. Well, Jiyeon never hesitated to give her students who got caught cheating in the test an F-grade—in the hope, they wouldn't do it again. She had never been a fan of cheating. She'd preferred relying on her own work and studying to succeed in an exam. Better got a C-grade than an A-grade from cheating!  

Chaeyeon looked at Jiyeon and said, "Teacher, I've finished."

"Thank you." Jiyeon smiled. "Go back to your seat."

Chaeyeon gave her a small, polite nod and headed back to her seat while looking at her exam paper. Jiyeon turned her attention to the whole class. "Alright class, let's begin today's lesson with problem-solving using the shell method and washer method," she announced, "I'm going to recite each question. Whoever can answer, raise your hand, okay?"    

Students nodded in response. Jiyeon returned to her desk and leaned against it, half sitting and half standing. She placed her hands at her side on the desk and looked straight at the students as she recited the first question, "Find the volume of the solid obtained by rotating the area between the graphs of y equals x squared and x equals two y around the y-axis."

Immediately, several hands shot up in the air. Jiyeon looked at Jaehyun, the first student who raised his hand. "You can actually use either method to find the volume. They should give the same result," she said, smiling faintly. "Which method do you want to use, Jaehyun?"

Jaehyun rubbed his forehead as he looked down at his notebook, then back up at her. "I'm going to use the shell method."

Jiyeon nodded and shifted her attention back to the whole class. "Class, Jaehyun is going to use the shell method, who wants to try to use the washer method?"

Chaeyeon cocked her head to the side as she seemed to be thinking about something for a couple of seconds before raising her hand slowly in the air. "Me," she said in a low voice. Her lower lip seemed to quiver.

Good, it's your time to shine, Chaeyeon! Her face broke out into a big grin. "Okay!" Jiyeon clapped her hands. "Jaehyun, Chaeyeon, please come up to the blackboard and solve the problem."

They stood from their chairs and went to the blackboard. Jaehyun picked up pieces of white chalk from the ledge. "Here," he said, handing one piece to Chaeyeon. A tiny smile adorned his lips.

Chaeyeon's hand trembled as she took it. She grabbed a piece of red chalk from the ledge and began drawing the graphs. Instead of solving the problem, Jaehyun just stood there, watching her as she scribbled equations on the blackboard. His smile never faltered. 

Does he like her? Jiyeon wrinkled her forehead.

"Yes, he likes her, so stop having a crush on him! You're my girl; you're too old for him!" the voice roared in her left ear, like a torrent in an abyss, which caused her to jump, startled.

The sound of his voice and the words 'too old' evoked her anger. "Who says I have a crush on him?" Jiyeon snarled aloud through clenched teeth, "stop interfering with my life; I'm not your girl." She slapped her right hand flat against the desk.  

All the students turned their gazes to her, and the atmosphere in the room subsequently became tense and awkward. She took a deep breath, calming herself. "Everyone, don't stare at me like that. Pay attention to them," she said, jerking her chin towards Chaeyeon and Jaehyun, who were standing at the blackboard like statues, chalk in hand, staring at her. She took another breath and managed a smile. "Chaeyeon, are you done?"

Chaeyeon gave her a curt nod. Jiyeon took a look at her answer written on the blackboard and told her, "You can go back to your seat."

She nodded again and placed the chalk on the ledge. Jaehyun grabbed her hand before Chaeyeon could move. She looked down at his hold on her hand and when she did, he let go.

His seatmate with curly hair let out a slow whistle. "You're so obvious. Nice try, Jaehyun!"

Sohyun's voice sounded upset when she spoke, "If you can't answer, don't raise your hand, Jung Jaehyun!"

Jaehyun scratched his head; his face turned a bit red. "Um...can you tell me how to figure out the height of shells? I'm confused."

Chaeyeon looked at Jiyeon, and Jiyeon nodded, mouthing 'go ahead' before she moved toward her chair and flopped down. Chaeyeon turned to face the blackboard again. Jiyeon crossed her arms over her chest, watching her and listening to her.

"First, notice that the two curves intersect when x squared equals x over two, which means either x equals zero or x equals one over two. We're revolving around the y-axis, which is a vertical line, so cylindrical shells would have vertical sides." Chaeyeon pointed to the graphs she had drawn and glanced at him. "Do you get it?"

Jiyeon slowly shook her head side to side, gaping open slightly. She was surprised by how calm and steady Chaeyeon's voice sounded. Maybe Chaeyeon was now able to trust herself.

Jaehyun nodded. "I get it."

"To use cylindrical shells, the sides of the cylinder will run from the white line to the red curve, so the shells will have height x over two minus—"

"Minus x squared, right?" Jaehyun smiled.

Chaeyeon nodded and added, "And the cylinder at x will have radius x minus zero equals x. Now you can calculate the volume."

"Thank you for helping me," Jaehyun said, bowing his head slightly.

A curt nod was her response; then Chaeyeon turned around. A smile lit up her face as she briskly walked back to her seat and sat down. The glowing smile never faded from her face as she watched him scribble out the equations on the blackboard.

Does she like him too or she is just happy because she managed to speak in front of others? Jiyeon shook her head to clear her mind.

"Yes, she likes him too! Stop having a crush on him; you're too old for him! You're my girl and only mine!" the voice boomed, echoing like a great thunder in her ears. Instinctively, Jiyeon placed a hand over her chest and felt her heart race beneath it. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. The deep breaths she took helped calm her racing heart.

"Why do you keep accusing me of having a crush on him, Baekwoon? Even if I do have a crush on him, it's none of your business," Jiyeon murmured under her breath, "I tell you I'm not your girl and will never be; I'm my father's daughter. Get it?"

"You really have a crush on him, and of course it's my business since you're my girl and will always be! Don't try to deny the fact you enjoyed our kisses!" his angry voice reverberated in her ears.

Jiyeon's eyes shot open, and a shout escaped : "Our kisses? Did we ever meet each other physically before? I have never been in a relationship and have never been kissed! I'm sure I've never met you before, so quit pestering me!"

Instantly, a buzz of whispers filled the air as the students discussed about her habit of talking to herself in hushed tones, except Chaeyeon, Sohyun, who were busy scribbling in their notebooks, and Jaehyun, who was still focusing on his work, solving the problem on the blackboard. Jiyeon could feel the students' judgmental stares jabbing at her.  

"No, it's not bipolar. I think it's schizophrenia; she's schizophrenic!" a fat male student with a shaved head, who sat in the back row, said out loud, punching his seatmate's arm lightly.

"I hear bipolar people have conversations with themselves, so she's bipolar," his seatmate with a blunt sugar-bowl haircut, retorted, smacking his head slightly.

All students turned their gaze towards them, except Chaeyeon, who was still busy scribbling in her notebook. Jiyeon felt anger rise up, bubbling inside her. Gritting her teeth, she sprang to her feet, her chair scraping loudly across the polished floor. Students brought their attention back to her.

Jaehyun cleared his throat and spoke, "Teacher Park, I'm done."

Jiyeon drew a deep breath and took a look at his answer. She managed to force a little smile. "Go back to your seat."

Jaehyun nodded before silently returning to his seat. Jiyeon then moved to the center of the classroom and stood tall, her spine straight and chin tipped up. She folded her arms across her chest and stared irately out at the students, which caused them to duck their heads down a bit.

I'm so sick and tired of people who suspect I have a mental illness. If I say I don't have any mental illness, they will continue to suspect I have one, so admitting having one seems a good choice. A very serious look on her face and equally serious tone in her voice, Jiyeon declared, "Everyone, I'm schizophrenic."

The students gaped and started to whisper and fidget in their seats, except Chaeyeon, who was staring at her with a neutral expression. Jiyeon clapped her hands to quiet her students. "Don't need to worry. I've never heard voices that tell me to jump off the roof, to harm or kill others," she told them in a firm, reassuring tone. "I feel very proud to be a voice hearer. It's an incredibly special and unique experience."

The class was stunned into stony silence. Some stared straight ahead. Some cast their eyes down. A few seconds later, Jaehyun raised his right hand in the air; a boyish curiosity adorned his features.

Jiyeon let out a silent sigh. "Do you want to ask something?"

Jaehyun gave her a slight nod. "Teacher Park, do you ever see things that aren't really there or see objects move by itself?" he asked with great curiosity. All students looked at her intently, anticipating her response.

God, you believe I'm schizophrenic? Jiyeon bit the inside of her cheek to keep from bursting out laughing. Then she cleared before taking a deep breath.

"A few mornings ago, a sudden, powerful gust of wind came roaring through my open window—the exam papers scattered across the room in a white whirl, and the curtains threatened to rip from its rings, which scared the hell out of me. I sprinted out of my room, and when I returned to my room, the room was so neat and clean; the exam papers were neatly stacked on the table as if nothing had happened," Jiyeon answered in a flat monotone, but her facial expression carried seriousness, "I once saw the face of the owner of the voice I've been hearing appear in the sky, smiling down at me."

"How could you know the face that you saw was the owner of the voice's, Ms. Park?" the fat male student with a shaved head responded in a curious tone; an expression of confusion covered his face. Some students looked at each other—some remained silent.

"I dreamed of meeting the owner of the voice twice," Jiyeon replied as she looked down at her wrist watch, then back up at them. She clapped her hands together. "Let's continue your lesson," she added, "Chaeyeon and Jaehyun came up with the same answer, pi over ninety-six. Did anyone else come up with this answer?"

Almost all of the students raised their hands. She walked around the room, checking the answer on the students' work. "Alright, class. You got the right answer!" Jiyeon said as she moved to stand next to the blackboard, watching over the class. Students had smiles on their faces; they seemed excited. She shifted her attention to Sohyun, the only student who answered the problem using both methods correctly. However, Jiyeon wasn't sure if Sohyun did use her own ability, or she just copied Jaehyun and Chaeyeon' answers on the blackboard into her notebook. She approached her and cleared to get her attention.

Sohyun ignored her—her gaze never left her notebook as she scribbled equations, and her left hand supported her head, the palm touching her forehead. She got on her nerves. Jiyeon drew a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves.

"You've answered the first problem using both methods correctly. Which method do you find easier, Sohyun? And why?" Jiyeon spoke in a rather loud voice.

"The shell method because the problem is revolving around the y-axis—it's much easier to figure out the height of a shell than the area of a cross-sectional washer," Sohyun replied in a flat tone without looking at her.

The answer convinced her that Sohyun did use her own ability to solve the problem. Jiyeon bent over her. "Next time, if you can't answer in an exam, just leave it blank. Don't cheat," she whispered before she returned to her desk and sat down. She reached into her bag and pulled out the grade book and pencil, then opened the book and made a tiny circular mark next to Chaeyeon's name and Jaehyun's name to indicate that they had participated in the class.

The students sat quietly in their seats, all thirty-nine of them, listening to her as she continued her lecture. When no hands shot up, Jiyeon called on two students to come to the front of the room and solve the problem using different method. While the two students were solving the problem on the blackboard, Jiyeon moved around the classroom, checking the other students' work and helping them as needed.

Jiyeon was explaining how to solve the problem that her student answered incorrectly on the blackboard when the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. The class let out a loud and collective sigh of relief. They instantly gathered their belongings and charged out of the room, except for Chaeyeon. She sat quietly, gripping onto the backpack in her lap, and stared out the window.

"I still can't believe we're taught by a schizophrenic!"

Jiyeon heard a man's voice shout outside. She tossed the chalk onto the ledge and brushed the chalk dust off her hands as she strode over to her desk. "Chaeyeon, are you waiting for Taeyong?" Jiyeon asked as she stuffed the book and pencil back into her bag.

She shifted her gaze to her and nodded. "Teacher Park, what's schizophrenic?" Chaeyeon asked in a soft, curious voice.

A faint smile twisted Jiyeon's lips. "A schizophrenic is a person suffering from schizophrenia."

"Schizophrenia?" Chaeyeon responded, confusion lacing her voice, "what does this term mean?"

"The term schizophrenia comes from the Greek, which means split mind. There are so many definitions of schizophrenia. DSM-II defined schizophrenia as characteristic disturbances of thinking, mood, or behavior. DSM-IV-TR defined schizophrenia as a chronic, more or less debilitating illness characterized by perturbations in cognition, affect and behavior, all of which have a bizarre aspect. Some mental health 'experts' say schizophrenia is a split personality, but other mental health 'experts' say schizophrenia is not a split personality. A psychology student told me schizophrenia is a brain disorder, and I say schizophrenia is a bull label. Hearing voices and delusions are the two classic features of schizophrenia—" Jiyeon paused, in a deep breath and releasing it on a sigh.  

Chaeyeon leaned forward and rested her elbows on the table and half cupped her left cheek with her palm. She listened intently as Jiyeon continued: "According to the dopamine hypothesis, schizophrenia is due to excess dopamine activity. However, cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) studies of homovanillic acid have shown no increase in dopamine turnover in schizophrenics. In his book Molecules of the Mind Professor Jon Franklin says, 'the dopamine hypothesis, in short, was wrong'. Reduced overall brain volume found in the brains in the so-called schizophrenics is caused by the brain-damaging drugs called neuroleptics, not their supposed psychiatric disease. The DSM admits that no laboratory findings have been identified that are diagnostic of Schizophrenia. That's why I agree with Dr. Thomas Szasz, a great humanist, psychiatrist denouncing his own science as being a fraud, says in his book Schizophrenia—The Sacred Symbol of Psychiatry, 'there is, in short, no such thing as schizophrenia'."     

A wisp of a smile graced Chaeyeon's lips. "Teacher Park, you seem to know a lot about schizophrenia. What does DSM stand for?"  

A half smile tipped her lips. "Well, I've read a few anti-psychiatry books. DSM stands for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—it is a tool for making diagnoses, an essential educational resource for students and practitioners, and a reference for researchers in the field," Jiyeon responded as she slung her bag over her shoulder. "Psychiatry has a dark, terrible history that brings into my mind Hitler's Germany—their drugs are chemical poisons that damage the brain, and their labels are degrading and stigmatizing. Poison drug is the equivalent to Hitler's gas chamber a slow torture and death."

Silence filled the room as they looked at each other. Truth be told, the removal of homouality from DSM after gay activists picketed the APA (American Psychiatric Association) conferences was enough to convince her that the chemical imbalance theory is a hoax. By a show of hands at the annual APA conventions, mental disorders are voted into existence—all mental disorders have no scientific basis!

"Have you finished talking?" a familiar male voice echoed in the air. They turned their heads to the side to see Taeyong leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest, watching them.

"How long have you been standing there?" Jiyeon asked, narrowing her eyes in annoyance.

Taeyong smirked, and there was a slight mocking tone in his voice as he answered, "Since Chaeyeon asked you about schizophrenia. Jiboast, I've never thought you have knowledge about psychiatry and the Hitler things. I thought you only knew Mathematics—the boring subject." He burst into a short laugh.

Jiyeon stepped towards him, her upper lip curling into a small snarl. "Don't underestimate me, Taetrant," she said through clenched teeth, tapping his cheek with her fingers. "Mathematics is the true language of God. It only speaks proofs that are accurate, simple and appropriately sorted."

His nostrils flared up, and his eyes narrowed on her sharply, but he said nothing. Jiyeon scowled a fierce glare at him. Then she glanced over her shoulder to see Chaeyeon standing, smoothing her skirt with both hands. "See you next time, Chaeyeon." She waved her hand and left the room.

Jiyeon walked down the long corridor in quick stride, past empty classrooms and out of the entrance and down the pathway that led out of the school gate. She came to an abrupt halt when she saw Baekhyun sitting on a red motorbike parked near the school gate, two helmets hanging on the handlebars. He was looking down at his cell phone, smiling. He wore a black, leather jacket, blue jeans and a white t-shirt, and sturdy, brown boots on his feet.


 

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KimmyNurry
692 streak #1
Chapter 40: Congrats on the bid! ^^
lovelyfeisty
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Chapter 40: Congratulations on the highest bid and I'll be reading soon!
WR_Supplier
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Chapter 34: Congrats on the ad bid feature!
dreamshun
1812 streak #4
Chapter 34: Congrats^^
Damia_Song123 #5
Chapter 34: Congratulations on winning the bid ^^
Ghad20
11 streak #6
Chapter 34: Congratulations
sabirah
#7
Chapter 34: Wow the whole story is so overwhelming ,i would likely to digest the gist of it ...Love it as it's been a long time that i read this kind of story before 😍