He was angry, bitter, and absolutely not sober.
He knew it wasn’t smart to call her in this state. She hated when he was drunk. Maybe because he wasn’t sugar coating his words. He hated waiting, and he hated the loneliness.
Of course, he didn’t blame her for it, because it was as much his fault as it was hers, and two big shining dreams that were yet to be fulfilled. Too far to be touched but too close to turn away from. Sometimes he wonders if the price was worth it. The pain, the longing; wouldn’t it be better to just end it?
Running away sounded so sweet, so good, so compelling, especially in nights like this. But they both had responsibilities, with agencies and contracts in their way.
How often had he tried to talk to her about it? Not to find a resolution, as there was none, but disappointing emptiness. All he wanted was some reassurance, for her to be bothered by it as well. Because every so often he felt as if he was the only one suffering as she always holds onto her cold pride, short answers and he could only guess her heart. But at night like this, he was unsure, unsure about her feelings for him. They didn’t feel strong enough to feed his hungry heart, to ease his suffering and keep away the darkness that surrounded his mind.
He wanted answers to questions he hadn’t even formed yet, and he knew he would torture her again. He was sorry about it, but only when tomorrow came around.
The sound of the connecting phone was infuriating just another slap in his face and a reminder how far away she was. He felt like she was slipping through his fingers.
He wanted to catch her, save her from falling into the dark pit created by his own mind, but he couldn’t grasp her hand, mainly because she didn’t reach out for him.

He couldn’t remember the last time they hadn’t fought. Petite little things, unimportant vanities she couldn’t let go. The connection failed. Good girl, she probably knew that he would be wasted anyway. It would have ended up in another unnecessary fight. He knew, but he still felt like falling apart. He just really would have needed her voice right now. And even if just to keep him away from another sip of the burning liquid.
 

The warm words hit her hard and unprepared and she could only watch the foreign women in utter shock. This couldn’t be!

They were always so careful about it. This must be a mistake, yes the test must be wrong. Or maybe she just misheard her, misunderstood her, as her English still wasn’t that good anyway. But the dark look on her manager’s face told her otherwise. The women she had known for so long forced herself to a weak smile and patted her head lovingly.
“We will find a solution.”
And for a moment she could see both of the women staring at her with a mixture of concern and sadness. She couldn’t quite understand yet, as she was still trying to cope with the given information.

The whole day passed by in slow motion. She had seen his text after she had purposely canceled his try to dial her. She wasn’t emotionally steady for another fight, for other excuses and empty promises.
Especially now, how could she listen to him being sorry if she was the one who should be? But instead, she just didn’t feel anything at all. Nothing but numbness.
After another text and another call, she had turned off her phone. Only to see her own reflection in the darkened screen. When had she started crying?

She secretly hoped the next day would never come around because she wasn’t ready to face all those consequences and all reproaches. She couldn’t blame them for thinking that she has been careless, but she really didn’t know where they did wrong and when it could have happened. Except maybe this one night, his birthday…
They were both so drunk, maybe it had slipped?
Chills went down her spine, it must have been, there was just no other explanation, besides the date would match as well. Six weeks already?!

The next morning started with what people typically call morning sickness. It has been her first time, so it hit her unprepared. She had been so hungry a moment before, but now she sat on the ground of their shared dorm toilet bawling. Because just the thought of food made her sick. But she loved eating, especially now that they weren’t preparing for a comeback and weren’t forced a ridiculous diet keeping them more hungry and barely alive.
She felt miserable, even more, when Yenny checked on her for the third time. But instead of questioning if everything was alright, she said the dreaded words.
“Jiyong is on the phone.”
Instead of taking it she just yelled.

“TELL HIM I’M NOT HERE!!”

And she was pretty sure he must have heard because Yenny was trying in a rush to soothe the other stubborn person in this relationship. Making excuses for her and her odd behavior. He probably misunderstood but at this very moment, he was the least of her concerns.
This thing inside of her needed to be gone.
Because right now she couldn’t be a mother, she was still a child herself, she still enjoyed being spoiled and waited for another opportunity to play in a movie and wonder girls future with Sun gone was somehow in the air as well. Her life was difficult enough without the extra responsibilities inside of her.
Besides it wasn’t just her career, she had to think about him as well.

Oh god … he can never know about this. Never ever…

Jiyong loved children, oh how much he loved them. Never leaving out on an opportunity to tell her how much he did. Occasionally he stands her up just too silly join some play fight with children they came across. He was just as much a child at heart like she was. Her little-ageyo-filled goofball, who knew exactly how to make it up to her.
Of course, he would want it and it would make things so much more unnecessarily complicated.
Trying to reassure her that everything would be alright. When it absolutely wasn’t.
He wouldn’t stop trying to convince her otherwise and it would make it even harder for her.

He was a dreamer, and his dreams were big and bright. There were no doubt he would make them come true. As his wings were meant to carry him towards the stars he had gazed for too long from afar, well at least without a little extra weight thrown his way.
Sometimes the suffering was unavoidable and an inseparable part of loving someone.

It was horrifying because both of her available options would end in pain and misery. She could only drive for the one which would affect and hurt the least amount of people, everything else would be selfish. It wasn’t like she really had a choice here.
Giving birth to this child would mean losing her job, losing her dreams, losing… everything. She would not only wreck her and his career, but also the people involved with them wonder girls, big bang and who knows who else.
Sure they might recover, but there was the higher risk they wouldn’t.
The thing with being a celebrity is that it could be over the very next day as there is always someone new, ready to replace the ones who made a mistake.
Even now she depended on others, on her company and the older members about everything.
New circumstances scared her and talking to strangers a terrifying obstacle, she couldn’t even tell her own boyfriend openly how she felt. Still making a fuss over liked Instagram pictures, or throw a fit about selcas done with way too attractive women by his side. Yes, she envied them, as they were allowed to spend time with him, and yes she got very jealous especially if he remarked how beautiful they were. Immature? Yes certainly, but then again she had barely reached her legal age.
Besides he was her first boyfriend and maybe she was a little bit over-attached. Oh well, at least now she could blame it on her hormones. Thankfully this has always been an excuse she wanted to use –NOT!

Never did the distance between him and her feel so unbearable. She needed him now, but she couldn’t tell him for his own sake and her sanity.

It just wasn’t the right time.
Not the right time to fall in love, for a relationship and especially not for starting a family.
Perhaps their love was never meant to be. They just met in the right life at the wrong time.

Her shaking hand carefully caressed over her tummy. From the touch itself, there was no difference so far, yet everything felt completely different to her.
“I’m so, so sorry baby ….”
She whispers while she teary eyed stares down at her still flat stomach.

“But you can’t stay there-
I can’t, okay, I just can’t have you right now.
I’m not ready, and we can’t burden your dad down like this…”
She felt the tears tickle alongside her cheeks and her voice even though kept at a minimum started to falter.
“We can’t …please understand…”

She didn’t want anyone else to hear her conversation, basically because she didn’t want to admit that she was completely capable of understanding what was happening inside of her. Wanted to pretend for a little bit longer that she was fine and not at all attached to a bundle of cells! She didn’t want to lose her face in front of the others. It would be hard enough for them, covering her absence and act as if nothing was wrong.

 

She spent the next days between the doctor’s office, her manager, and JYP himself.
Those days were full of the same lines
“You should have been more careful.”
“That’s why you shouldn’t be dating.”
“Did you guys never hear about protection?”
“You should have taken the pills then.”
And her favorite, “Are you sure about it? Don’t you want more time to think about it?”
Of course, she was sure, what was there to overthink? It had to be done, the quicker the better because else she might start to reconsider and getting attached to it. It was just cells, just cells, almost like the normal monthly bleeding just a bunch more of them.
Okay, it wasn’t that easy, first of all, hearing the details of an abortion made her feel sick, and yes she was afraid. It sounded so painful and there were risks. She just couldn’t decide on the spot and so the deadline was set to be in a week.

A horrible long week. She was lucky though, thanks to her morning sickness, circulation problems, and yes: cramps! Added to the wonderful mixture of annoyance and the fact that she has been constantly on the edge of crying which she blamed on her hormones, no one dared to approach her if it wasn’t necessary. Except for wonderful caring Yenny who was trying so hard to fill Sun’s absence, as she was constantly bugging her to call and tell Jiyong.
So at least she had some of her very treasured and beloved quiet time. Though right now she would have given anything for any sort of distraction. But peaceful moments where better then upbraids and suggestion.

As the appointment came closer, more doubts started to grow in her. There could be side effects. Scary side effects. And there would be pain involved. Pain she doesn’t want to go through. Yes, she was scared and she wasn’t exactly sure if she feared the interference or the irreversibility of her decision more. Would she be mentally okay afterward? It wasn’t like she wanted to become a mother, yet she caught herself more and more often how her hand would wander to her belly as if to check if the inside was still okay. Oh, how she wished she could run away and hide, hoping that the problem would solve itself.

She felt so alone with her fears and thoughts. Because there was only so much sympathy could do. Sure, her members were attempting to comprehend but in the end, they still couldn’t fathom. It was like talking in another language and it was frustrating and it made her feel even more deserted.

It was a mixture between fright and the sinking feeling of loneliness which led to the despaired phone call, and her silent plea for help from the only person she could trust and rely on. As it was part of him as well, so maybe he would understand?
 

Jiyong was pissed to say at least. If she wanted to break up with him she should have just done so.
He should prepare his solo album. As there was still a lot to do and time was running out on him. But instead of being able to focus on the lyrics in front of him, his mind always had to wander elsewhere. There was his chance, the chance he waited for so long and all he could do was whine about a girl! Not just one girl but his baby girl.
Well, it seemed like she wasn’t his anymore. He was tired and annoyed of this whole push and pull relationship.
He just wished for it to have a clear end line, something so he could feel miserable and move on.
But the way it was right now, he felt as if it was his own fault. As if he wasn’t trying hard enough for her. What else could he do than calling and leaving voice messages as she never even bugged to take his calls?
He knew he wasn’t particularly innocent at the current situation. He was difficult at times, and he may have had a bit of an attitude when she had asked him about these other women. It was ridiculous he loved her. There was nothing to talk about. She wasn’t that easy either. Oh, he hated when she ignored him after they fought because it made it impossible to make up, or to understand her for that matter. But didn’t he deserve an explanation?
 

So he had reasoned with himself that he wouldn’t call her anymore because he was fed up of leaving unheard voice messages or bugging her member like a love sick dog.
Yet as soon as his phone rings he jumps towards it. He doesn’t even need to read the caller’s ID since he had spotted the red hearts. His own heart sunk a little, certainly, there weren’t a lot of things that made him as anxious as taking this call. In his excitement, he may have picked the call a little too quick as he was eager to hear her. He would have cursed himself inwardly for it if he had enough time to think about those stupid little mind games. But instead, he was thrown aback when he identifies the muffled noises as sobbing.

“Jagiah?”
He whispers as softly and comforting as possible, confused and irritated.
It wasn’t fair, how could he stay mad at her if she just continued to weep? Occasionally he could hear a very frail sorry. He almost started to cry alongside with her, just because it was so painful to listen. And there he was, thinking he was brokenhearted before, but the pain he felt now wasn’t even comparable.

“Bun, what happened? I can’t help or understand if you don’t speak with me.”
“I – I just need you …, right now. Can you come?”

Honestly, his first thoughts were if she was out of her mind. She must have gone crazy. But then he remembered how it was very unnatural of Sohee to dare to ask such a question. They both were professionals and very hard working, she never was very demanding of his time, to begin with, which led to most of his drunk phone calls. Whatever of a concern she had, it must be more serious than he had imagined.

“Sure…”
he mumbled; phone pressed between his ear and shoulder in order to get his hands free to search for a compatible flight.
“If I hurry I will be there in … about 14 hours. Can you wait that long?”
“….”

It was quite on the other side, and for a second Jiyong was afraid that she changed her mind.
“yes ….”

“okay stay put, I’m on my way.”

He left without a notification, he just went straight to the airport, all the way wondering if he had snapped. He didn’t know lovesickness could strike one to insanity but obviously, it had just happened to him. He wasn’t even mad, not at her, not at himself. He was concerned. As he started to think of possible scenarios for her to react in such a way.
They all ended in “she has less than 24 hours to live,” which wasn’t really comforting.
 

The flight was a pain in the , but for once at least there were no fans at the airport that kept on bothering him. But that also meant no special treatment at the check-in section, as he had just booked the first business class trip possible. Of course, it was impossible to stay incognito, but the few people whispering behind upheld hands were easy to ignore.
They served alcohol, but even though he carved for it, he denied and stayed with water. For some odd reason, he had the sinking feeling that he wouldn’t tolerate it well, and he didn’t want to risk not to be fully clear when he meets her.

 

Endless hours later, countless failed tries to be at least a little bit productive, and a dozen horror scenarios, the plane finally arrived. And since he was on the move now the tension didn’t feel as agonizing anymore. Waiting in the line to show his passports and after that finding a cap, since he hadn’t prepared anything for this trip he didn’t need to wait for a suitcase. His mind was kept busy and he appreciated it.

He knew something was terribly wrong the moment Yubin had opened the dorm door. Of course, they all looked still as attractive as ever, nothing compared to his girl, but well charming. Except that there were sleepless nights drawn in their faces, worry and a rose of panic well at least once they saw him.
Yenny butted in as Yubin seemed to be unsure of how to react; just slam the door shut or to let him in. Which was indeed confusing. He hadn’t done anything that badly wrong, to deserve to have a door thrown into his face. Especially not after just traveling half around the world because Sohee had wished for him to do so.

It would have triggered his repulsing side if he wouldn’t be so worried. He cleared his throat and spoke as calmly as possible.
“Is she alright? Can I see her?”

“Uh, yes, but first, why are you here? Do you know …?”
Yenny questioned, carefully eyeing him. What had he done that the girls suddenly mistrusted him? Didn’t they know him long enough already? Ugh, he felt like he had missed something, or woke up in another parallel universe. Well, that would somehow make so much sense.
 

“Know what?” he asked curiously.

“I’m sorry but I think that’s something Sohee should tell you.
But I’m glad you’re here.”
This time it was Yubin answering him, and luckily she did sound sincere about the last part.
He understood but at the same time, that they chose not to answer made him itchy. Had something that bad happened to her? Did someone … assault her?
Oh, he felt his stomach turn at the sheer thought.
They didn’t need to ask him inside he was quicker in and out of his shoes than they could blink.
“Can I see her now?”

Yes, he might have sounded a little bit too eager but who could blame him?
“Just one more thing…”

The oldest woman stops him.

“We will be going out for a movie and dinner, so the two of you have the flat for yourself. But make sure we won’t regret that decision okay?”

“yes, ma’am!”
He playfully saluted, before swiftly passing by the two self-proclaimed bodyguards of his girlfriend to find her as he grew impatient and just wanted to finally see her right about now!
 

Yenny sighed as she only watched the young men disappear.
“I really hope that was a good idea.”
“Dinner and movies are always a good idea”

Yubin chuckles while taking Yenny’s hand into hers and pulling her with her.

The room Sohee had locked herself in was gloomy and dark.
He had knocked but didn’t get an answer, so he just carefully entered it.
The television was , and there was an odd bump under the blanket that looked like a figure.

 “Leave me alone please.”
He would have smiled softly the moment he had heard her voice but the sniffling was distressing.

“Well, that would be a pity, because I just ran from the airport and I brought you your favorite cream filled pastry.”
There was a second of silence and the next thing he knew was his girlfriend flying in his direction, he had to let go of the plastic back in order to catch her.
Oh, he loved her enthusiastic hugs.
For a long, while he just held her close, buried his nose in her hair and enjoyed her scent.
Life always seems so easy and perfect as soon as she was in his embrace.
She was relieved to have him here, but at the same time, his presence also burdened her. There was a soft tremble, her breathing became short and her grip around him tightened. He could feel his shirt getting wet. Before her legs could give in he pulled her tighter and picked her up the ground just to carry her back to her bed. Gently he put her down and kissed her forehead before carefully wiping the moister off her cheeks. A pretty useless gesture as there was already new of the salty liquid trying to break free.
But at least her breathing calmed down and she glanced at him teary eyed before she quietly whimpered
“could you bring me almond butter, and a spoon, no two, you need one too… it should be somewhere in the kitchen.”
Well, that was generously confusing because first of all he still didn’t know why he had to be here in the first place, second Sohee never really used aegyo often, it was mostly the other way around, and thirdly almond butter?!?!!!
He opened his mouth to complain but shut it the moment he realized her condition and just nodded instead.

“Sure.”


They must have hugged each other for longer than it had felt because once he stepped outside the room he realized that the other girls were already gone. Of course it was nice to have some privacy with her, but on the other hand made searching a jar of weird nut butter more difficult. But apparently, it wasn’t too odd for her to ask for, as they were standing there prepared on the counter.
Maybe it was some new super food trend he had missed, he took a jar and hurried back to his girlfriend in need.

Ten minutes later, after he had absolutely hated the first spoon of the greasy yet nutty flavor that just became somehow bigger in his mouth, he ended up just as addicted to it as she was, and they emptied the whole thing.
“Please don’t tell me the calories of it … “
He patted his bursting stomach while shoving the now empty jar as far away as possible from him.
“It’s not as bad as peanuts,”
she reasoned with a faint hint of amusement while wrapping an arm around him, pulling him back to her for some more cuddles.
“Sohee….”
His voice was soft but had a certain urgency in it. She knew the question before he could voice it and so she stopped him by laying her finger on his lips.
“I know … you deserve to know. I will… but please give me another minute, in which you just have to hold me very very close, and promise me if I tell you, you won’t be mad. You will try to understand me and my reasons and you won’t push me away… promise?”
For some reason, her words made him uneasy. That sounded like a talk he rather wouldn’t have, but he needed to know now. So he just entangled their pinky fingers, while nodding, and then pulling her on top of him, because he secretly knew that she quite liked to be there.
Wrapping his arms around her, he even hummed for her, well until she started to speak.
 

“You know, at your birthday, we had right?”
She shyly started.
“More than once,” he answered proudly grinning a little at the faint memory.
Making her blush before she playful hit his chest.
“Take me seriously here, would you…”
He could tell she wasn’t really annoyed just pretending to be. Even so, his hand searched its way in her hairs to fondle it lovingly.
“Sorry and carry on.”

“Well perhaps, something wasn’t quite right back then…”
“No I think I did great, you were really into it as well an-“
Another slap, and muted scream as she was trying to hide her flustered state by pressing her head onto his torso.
The sound tickled him but he enjoyed every single bit of it. Especially that the heaviness that had lingered around that dreaded conversation now had disappeared.

“Well, that wasn’t what I was trying to say… “
She sat up, a motion that made him bite his lips because it meant her hips pushed against his groins.
And she did this incredible y hair flip movement and sincerely it took all his gentleman to forbid the dragon in him to jump at her right here and now. He had missed her, every single bit of her. Her scent, her laughter, her bashfulness, the slaps that never really were painful, her glaring at him, the little noise she does when he picks her up from the ground, her nose in the crook of his neck. Everything and he just realized how it was way too long ago that he actually had told her how much he loved her. But even longer since he had shown his love in action, had done all those sweet things that made her moan his name so tenderly.
“Well….”
she glanced at him while she studies his beaming face. He didn’t make this any easier for her.
“It had some kind of consequences”

She pointed at her stomach.
By now it should be pretty clear that his thoughts were kind of distracted by her beauty, so it took him a while until she could see his eyes widen.

Shock, happiness, shock, despair, happiness, shock?

“No?!
For real? You are …??”
She nodded weakly.
“I’m sorry, I should have been more careful, I …I’m so sorry…”
As Sohee has seen his emotion he could as well see hers. She was scared, he could feel her shaking, and he saw tears welling up again. But before she could break into a new set of sobbing and continue to apologize, he followed her in the sitting position and pulled her close to his chest.
 “Hush you dummy, it’s not your fault, not your fault at all.”
He rocked her softly back and forth in his arms, making sure to never let go.
They didn’t speak for a while, she wanted to give him the time to fully grasp the situation, and he was frankly a little bit overwhelmed.

“I … I thought of well- … making it go…”
he winced a little but kept quiet and listened to her.
“I mean, the timing is awful, you are just about to bring out a new solo, and we are traveling back and forth and I am scared.
I’m so scared Jiyong, I’m afraid, no, terrified of the abortion. It will hurt and what if it there are complications? I don’t want to kill a part of…. you and me and our love, but I don’t want to become a mother either, not …just yet…”

She whispered and fell into a new kind of despair.
But instead of holding her like she had hoped he would, to find some comfort he actually pushed her away, it scared her.
But then his hands were on her cheeks, holding them stern yet carefully, to make sure she had to lock eyes with him.
“Baby girl listen,….”

For a moment he paused as if he searched for the right words, a moment of pure horror for her and when he started to speak again she felt like he had just slapped her off the ground.
“I don’t care!
You do, whatever you decide you want to do, we will do it together and I will support you.”
His hands let go of her and instead brushed soothingly over her wet cheeks.
“It’s not my body the baby will grow in, I don’t have to go through the abortion or the labor. So it clearly shouldn’t be my decision what to do. But I want you to know that it takes two to make a baby, and I will certainly take responsibility for whatever you decide on doing. You are not alone and I will hold your hand and be right by your side.”

That evening they had a very long talk, about their future, about the pro and cons, and yes they also had , because they needed each other now, dirty unprotected because it didn’t matter anymore and had no consequences, because of bonding, because of desire and passion.
In a decision like this, there is no wrong or right, they are four possible outcomes but in the end, all that counts is that it felt right in the very moment the decision is made.
The abortion hadn’t felt right, it scared her, she didn’t really wanted to but had to.
The pregnancy scared her as well, but it promised to be a path that might not be as lonely.

He had kept his promise and went with her, the hardest walk she ever had to make. Not once did he let go of her hand, not even when people glanced at them.
The lady at the desk greeted them cheerfully, not at all how she felt. Fortunately, they had a restroom, because she was pretty sure the cream filled pastry she ate for breakfast was coming up again. Well, at least that’s when he let go of her hand and waited patiently in front. Though she had ordered him to block his ears as she was too ashamed of the thought he might hear her gagging. Getting out of the restroom was mortifying but even worse was his smooth grin as he handed her a napkin. Which of course she didn’t need anymore and she was pretty sure it was just his way of caring and teasing her, that he did have heard her after all!
She just glared at him before grabbing his hand, pulling him along. Her hand was still wet from the careful wash-up she did, but he didn’t mind.
The doctor greeted them both friendly and welcoming.

“So I guess here comes the lucky daddy, congratulations.”
“Unlucky!”
Sohee grumbled, ignoring the concerned look of her gynecologist.
“The very blessed dad indeed,” Jiyong instead replied with a proud grin.
“and please ignore her mood swings, it’s probably the pregnancy and the fact that she must be very hungry right about now.”
It was this very moment Sohee regretted that she had to date a smart one. There were so many not English speaking idols, why oh why did she have to choose one of the few ones who hadn’t slept through school. Of course, they were both not fluent and had both their fair share of heavy accent yet he might actually be a tiny bit better than her, despite her living in America for quite some time now.
And it annoyed her because she knew he would use that against her!

He didn’t receive a slap as she was too embarrassed but he saw her cute tongue being unsheathed a motion he joined in doing. After all, they were both kids at heart.
Jiyong who never had seen an ultrasound being done was super alert and interested in everything. But a moment later their worlds were again turned upside down when the doctor announced and showed them their baby’s first heartbeat. While Jiyong could barely contain his happiness Sohee felt like fainting. There was a tiny bit of regret and fear, especially when she thought about the things that were lying ahead of her, but it all vanished when she glanced at the beaming soon-to-be-dad.

“Just so you know, I’m going to kill you if you dare to have any schedules the day of delivery…I swear I will kill you painfully and slowly also you will gain just as many pounds as I do…I will make you eat twice as much… bastard…”
of course, she spoke in Korean, which made him giggle because the doctor probably thought that they shared some love vows with each other at this very touching moment.
“and if you don’t get up when your offspring cries for you I will beat your out of the bed, and diapers will be your responsibility I have to go through the labor that’s the least you can do for me!”

“Nae aegi,” he answered affectionately and stole a short peek filled with bliss. A gesture enough to let her anxiety crumble and faltered her nagging as a weak yet grateful smile plastered her lips.
 

Perhaps her decision might be wrong after all, perhaps there might not be a happy end ahead of them. Maybe their love will fade, as a consequence of the sufferings ahead of them.
There certainly will be trouble, regret, hate, jealousy, mean words, fights, tears, making up's, stress, and tons of sleepless night. And yes, changes, so many changes, from her body to her career. But for the very moment, both of them were happy with their decision, and therefore, everything seems possible!