This is the type of pain that cannot be seen. The worst type of pain. A pain that people judge you for having. According to them, this pain is your fault.

Because you do not try hard enough. Because you always complain. Because you never come with us when we ask. Because you do not care enough about yourself. Because…. Because….

So many reasons for why I am alone. Loneliness is pain. Being surrounded by people and still feeling lonely is the worst kind of pain.

I have friends. So many friends. Hundreds of videos and photos of friends. They hug me, laugh with me, party with me, play with me. They do not see how empty my smiles are. They do not acknowledge my pain.

Because I should be happy. Because I am the social butterfly.

                Being friends with me has slowly become a trend in the industry. I have become the common answer to interview questions.

“Which celebrity are you friends with?”

“Which celebrity do you know the best?”

I have an image to uphold. It has become hard to say no to “friends” that want to be seen in public with me. Even my closest “friends” have an agenda. Cute conversations on Twitter, funny pictures on Instagram, and short videos on Snapchat have become less for us and more for the fans.

Because hanging out with Amber humanizes you. Because it brings you closer to your fans. Because it makes you seem friendlier then you actually are. And Amber won’t mind. Amber loves hanging out with us. She’s always happy. She’s always smiling.

They say friends know when you need help. Why are mine so clueless?

                “JackJack get off of me” He had settled himself on top of my head as I laid in my bed. Today was one of the few days that I didn’t have a packed schedule. Even though his fur was suffocating me, it felt so much better waking up to his than waking up to the incessant ringing of my alarm clock.

                I dragged my feet to the bathroom, half expecting to pass out in the middle of my bedroom. I couldn’t remember the last time I slept well. I felt pain and fatigue in every fiber of my body. It was off days like this that I wish I would wrap myself in my blanket and sleep for 24 hours. But the wild child in me wouldn’t allow it and I was always up before noon.

                I looked in the mirror.

                “This is me.” My raspy low voice bounced off the empty bathroom walls before reaching my ears.

                Everything about me was pale. My dry white blonde hair. My sickly skin. I was a shell of the Amber than went out on stage every day.

                I grinned. “Looking y.”

                Today was my day off. There was no way I was going to let anyone get me down. Not even myself.

                I had made myself a full schedule today. It started with “Do whatever you want” at 9am and ended with “Do whatever you want” at whenever I felt like sleeping.

                I cleaned myself up and got dressed.

                It was the deadly cold month of November. Even after living in Korea for 10 years, I would never get used to the cold weather. I would forever be an L.A girl. I wore black skinny jeans, an oversized red sweater, a black winter coat and a pair of black boots. I covered my unusually long hair in a black beanie.

                My hair had made its way past the bottom of my ears. A very rare thing for me. I had been putting off t my hair for weeks and maintained a gelled back hair style thanks to my stylist.

                But I didn’t hate the hair yet. It was different and was a little bit wild. But I like the way it looked. Plus, with my unmade face and long hair no one recognized me anymore.

                “Bye JackJack. I’ll be back whenever” I grabbed my skateboard and locked the door behind me.

                I was going to have breakfast at my favorite bubble tea shop. It was only a short ride away and I had been dying to go there since my last day off. That was months ago.

                Days off were rare.  I remember just a year ago I was tired of having no schedules and nothing to do. But after releasing another solo album and touring with f(x), I was never in the same country for more than a day. I loved it though. I loved my life the way it was now more than anything. I loved not having time to breath and eating music for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

                But when you have to maintain a fake image in front of the people that pretend to be you friends even in your personal time, it can get a little overwhelming. I needed these rare days off to recharge and return to the wild, free, indestructible girl that I am at heart.

                I was riding my skateboard trying to breath the frigid air, when I saw my tea shop in the distance. The thought of having breakfast at my favorite spot instantly warmed me up.

                I picked my board up and walked up the familiar steps to the glass door of the shop. I pulled on the handle and then pushed and then pulled again.

                “No please. No this can’t be. I need this” I whispered to myself. I took a good look at the door.

                “Sorry. We will be closed for repairs. Please visit our sister branch in Hongdae. Thank You” read the white sign in bold blue letters.

                I sighed. My soul was in dire need of bubble tea, but I wouldn’t let anything bring me down today. I walked down the stairs, jumped on my board, and rode to the first coffee shop in my sight.

                I picked up my board and looked up at the shop. It was very posh and seemed like a place only celebrities and rich families would eat breakfast.

                “Well. I am a celebrity”. I whispered and smiled to myself. I walked into the front door and was met by a woman who seemed to be in her late thirties. She wore an all-black uniform and the most unimpressive smile I had ever seen. I could visibly see her looking me up and down, calculating the amount of money in my pocket by the way I was dressed.

                Her smile quickly faded. Apparently it didn’t look like I was rich enough to eat here and she didn’t seem to recognize me. Not that I wanted her to.

                “How can I help you!” her voice was high pitched and didn’t sound pleasant to my musically inclined ears.

                “Sorry. It’s my first time here. Could I have a quiet table for one, please?”

                “You want a table!” she spat.

                I smiled. Nope nothing was getting me down today. “Yep.” I gave her my sweetest smile.

                “Of course right this way.” She spoke with an acidic tone.

                I followed her through the dimly lit restaurant and back outside to the outdoor sitting area on the balcony. I shuddered at the cold.

                “Is there any tables inside” I asked my hands already turning to ice.

                “No sorry” she said as the tossed the menu on my table and walked back into the warmth.

                I looked around again and to my surprise I was not alone. A man was sitting alone at the only other table, reading his newspaper, with a cup of hot coffee in his hand.

                He looked tall and dressed in all black with a large brimmed hat covering his head.

                A celebrity? Probably.

                I sat back down and looked through the menu.

                No bubble tea. Of course.

                “Stupid Menu!” I said out loud with the menu covering my face.

                I peeked over the top of the booklet and saw the man with his head up. I quickly ducked back under my protective menu shield and blushed. I looked to the left back into the restaurant and was relieved to see my rude waitress making her way back outside.

                She walked straight past my table to the man’s table.

                My rude waitress was now a sweet well-mannered lady and took his order with a large fake smile plastered on her face. But the second she turned around she was back to her old self.

                “What do you want?” she asked.

                I smiled and placed the menu back on the table.

                I looked up at her with my grin and watched as she cringed. “So… do you guys have bubble tea” I asked with my best puppy dog eyes.

                “What! Of course not” she replied.

                “Of course you don’t” I looked back down at my menu. I heard a deep chuckle come from the other table and I smiled.

                Yeah I guess that was a little stupid to ask but I had to try.

                I looked up at her and smiled again. “Well… can I have the breakfast special, the chocolate croissant, a banana and mango smoothie, a stack of blueberry waffles, and…” I looked at her face and could see the confusion on her face grow as she wrote down my never ending list of foods.

                I chuckled. I was quite on the petite side and with so much practice I had lost the additional weight that made me look a bit more human before. I was a zombie. I understood her confusion.

                “I can pack stuff to go right” I asked.

                “Yeah” she looked up, still confused and looked genuinely worried about my dietary choices.

                Aww she does care. “Well then I’ll have the banana muffin and a cheese and spinach omelet please. That’s it” I grinned at her.

                She was trying to look mad at me, but I could see the corners of lift up a bit. Yes, I was breaking her.

                “Alright I’ll be back with the orders” she turned around and walked back inside.

                I looked up to see the man staring straight at me. His face was covered by a pair of large framed black sunglasses. Yep definitely a celebrity.

                I smiled. “I am hungry” I said. He smiled and looked back down at his newspaper.

                I removed my gloves and I my black beanie. It was still cold but the sun overhead was warming me up. I closed my eyes and placed my head on my hands.

                I felt good. Relaxed. I could feel the sunlight melting the pain in my bones. The smell of freshly baked bread, the winter breeze, and the warm sun was calming me down.

                I don’t know how long I was sitting with my eyes close, but my eyes opened to my waitress rolling in a cart loaded with food. The smell of the freshly made foods made my stomach growl and I grinned instantly from ear to ear.

                She walked to the man’s table and put down a large bowl of fresh fruit salad and a plate with an egg white omelet and two pieces of whole grain toast. Wow so healthy.

                She walked back to me and began loading up my table with what I ordered. She looked up at me and she looked very worried, but amused. “Good luck with all this.” She chuckled.

                Aww she smiled. “Yep, thank you.”

                I looked up to see the man absentmindedly spearing fruit into his mouth with his fork. He seemed to be looking right at me, but I couldn’t tell because of the sunglasses. I shrugged and went back to the banquet on my table. I began drinking the smoothie and making my way through the stack of blueberry waffles.

                Before I knew it I was full. I had finished the smoothie and was only able to eat half of the stack of waffles. Oh come one I swear I was hungry. I rested my head on my hands and stared down at the food. My waitress is going to laugh at me. “Why am I so full” I exclaimed. I was visibly pouty. I wonder how many boxes I am going to have to take home. I couldn’t carry so my bags in my skateboard.

                “Excuse me” a rich and deep voice came in from above. I jumped in my seat and looked up to see the man towering overhead.

                “Yes, can I help you”

                “Well… Maybe I can help you. I am still hungry… do you mind if I… you know join you. We could split the bill” he stammered.

                If I was an anime character my eyes would be twinkling right now. My knight in shining armor. “Of course please thank you. I’m Amber” I said in a quick breath.

                He chuckled “I am Seunghyun. It is nice to meet you”

                What a nice stranger. I can deal with strangers. It was familiar faces that sometimes gave me trouble. My “friends” always wanted something in return when I hung out with them. A picture on social media, a video on snapchat, a shout out on my twitter. Sometimes I just wanted to hang out.

                I smiled and began picking at my chocolate croissant as he started at the breakfast special, a large plate filled with meats, eggs, and potatoes. With a knife and fork in hand, he looked like he was eating in a five-star restaurant.

                I popped another piece of the croissant in my mouth. “So are you a celebrity or what” I asked after I finished chewing.

                He coughed clearly caught off guard by my sudden question. He wiped his mouth on the napkin and placed his fork on his plate. “Umm yeah. I guess I am. I am T.O.P in Bigbang”

                I jumped out of my seat and immediately gave him a bow. “Wow. Seunghyun-shi it is a real honor to meet you” I sat back down and smiled at him with my hand outstretched for a handshake.

                He shook my hand. “You didn’t have to bow. And you don’t have to call me Seunghyun-shi. I can’t be that much older than you. Seunghyun is fine.”

                “You sure. I don’t want to be disrespectful.” I had trouble with titles and what to call people. Back in L.A everyone was on a first name basis.

                “Really it is fine.” He smiled. His smile made me feel nice, warm, and fuzzy. I liked it.

                He took off his sunglasses and stared at me, as if he was expecting me to ask him a question. “So… You don’t want an autograph or something” he asked.

                I chuckled. “Nope. I’m good” I popped another piece of the croissant in my mouth.

                He looked at little let down. “Oh… I mean… I thought I was a little famous… But I guess not” he was pouting.

                So cute. This grown man was pouting. I chuckled again. “Seunghyun, I can ask for your autograph if it makes you feel better.”

                He was stuffing his face with the potatoes and pointed his nose in the air. “Hmm… I don’t need you pity.” He joked.

                I laughed out loud and covered my mouth to try and seem a little sane. “You know… I am a bit famous too.” I said between giggles. “I am from f(x). I mean we aren’t super famous. We release weird songs. Heard of us?”

                He was a little surprised. I wouldn’t blame him. My unmade pale face looked nothing like the Amber on stage. “I didn’t recognize you. You look like a little pixie right now. But on stage you’re kinda badass. Right?”

                “Pixie?” I was a little confused.

                “Well. Yeah. Tiny face. Clear skin. Huge brown eyes and a pixie haircut. You’re kinda adorable, like a pixie.” He stated.

                “I guess.” I didn’t know how to react. I was always a llama or Stitch. But no one ever compared me to a pixie. No has ever called me adorable. I mean pixies are so cute. And I’m…well…I’m just Amber. I’m not cute. None of my friends have ever called me cute.

                My thoughts were spinning in my head and I could feel my face turn hot.

                He chuckled. “Aww… you’re turning red.” He gave me a big smile. The type of smile you give to cute baby kittens that you want to cuddle.

                My face was burning up and the warm feeling that his smile gave me was back. I covered my face in my hands. “Shut up… stop making fun of me…” He was overwhelming me. My face burned under my finger tips and my eyes began to fill up with warm salty tears.

                “Hey are you okay. Hey…” he sounded worried.

                “I’m… fine” I said between sniffles as I tried to rub the tears out of my eyes. “Just stop making fun of me…” my voice was almost inaudible.

                “Hey… I wasn’t making fun of you. You do look like a pixie… I’m sorry… I just… Sometimes I talk without thinking… Sorry… Stop crying… Please” he said, his voice soft and calming.

                I looked out from between the spaces of my finger. He looked at me worriedly, but then smiled. “I’m sorry… no one has ever… said I looked adorable.”

                He chuckled. “Really. Come on you scared me. I thought I did something wrong.” He placed his large hand on my head and ruffled my hair. “Netizens would kill me. T.O.P of Bigbang makes Amber of f(x) cry”

                His hands were warm. I rubbed my eyes and removed my hands from my face.

                His hand was still on my head. “Come on… Amber… smile” he waited.

                His hand, his smile, the way he said my name. Everything about him made me feel warm and safe.

                I grinned. The stupid grin I give when I don’t know what else to do. He removed his hand and delicately flicked my nose. “There we are. Back to normal”

                He looked down at the food and I followed him. “I guess you should get the rest of this to go. How about I pay, my treat for putting me in such a good mood”

                “Um… yeah sure… Thank You” I bowed my head down. I couldn’t look at him. I wasn’t the type of girl to fall in love with someone at the first encounter, but he made me feel so warm and nervous and he gave me butterflies.

                “Hey don’t worry I think I ate more than you anyways.” He raised his hand to call the waitress back. She walked back in and took a look at my face.

                “Hey… what’s wrong… are you okay… did he say something to you…did he hurt you…” she looked worried and gave Seunghyun a deadly stare. It seems her maternal instincts were acting up at the sight my crybaby face.

                Seunghyun held up his hand like he had just been caught by the police. I chuckled and I felt my face turn pink from embarrassment. “I’m fine… it’s just… allergies” I replied

                “Oh… okay” she was still staring at him suspiciously but placed the bill on the table. She accepted his card and walked back to the register.

                “Amber… do you have a ride home” he asked. “Umm actually… you’re probably busy… do you want to… you know… hang out” he stammered.

                I stared at him. Wide eyed.

                “Sorry… stupid question… we just met… you’re busy…Yeah… okay….”

                I smiled. Genuinely. “No I would love to hang out with you. Seunghyun”

                “Umm… okay” He covered his face with his hand, but I could see his face turn pink.

                “Awww…. CUTE” I exclaimed.

                “Shut up” he replied his face completely red. 

******

I am back for a short while after a long time. 

Here is a short story. 

Sorry about the cliff-hanger ending. 

I hope you guys like it. 

Please comment.