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170618 Sunday

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When Baekhyun finally gives in, Chanyeol isn’t expecting it.

“Yeol?” A small voice calls out, jerking Chanyeol out of his thoughts. He tightens his grip on his phone, telling himself that he needs to stay strong for the greater good.

But then when he lifts his eyes to take a look at his boyfriend, the older’s small back is facing him. So small as he curls into himself more for warmth. Chanyeol can’t help it.

“Baekhyun.” He blurts. But he prepares himself when the smaller turns around and stares at him almost hopefully, then they melt in understanding.

“Fine.” Baekhyun replies. “I’ll do it. Whatever.”

Chanyeol’s heart skips a beat and immediately he reverts back to his old self. Like a prisoner freed from his chains, Chanyeol bounds towards Baekhyun and hugs him with all his might, missing how nice it felt to squish the smaller.

He feels Baekhyun nuzzling into his shirt, and he grins widely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun’s resolve is breaking.

Kris hasn’t talked to him properly in days, and somehow that feels very uncomfortable for Joonmyun. It’s not that they haven’t gone days without speaking to each other before, but this time it’s different because Kris isn’t making an effort to talk to him even when he can.

But at the same time, Joonmyun has his ego.

So every time he sees Kris smiling and joking around with someone else and totally ignoring him, resentment continues to pile up inside him.

Why is he so childish? Joonmyun thinks to himself, fuming.

“Hey Joonmyun, you all right?” Minseok asks, his chipmunk eyes blinking in concern.

“Yes, why?” Joonmyun responds calmly.

“Nothing, just that recently I haven’t seen the other Joonmyun.” The usual Joonmyun, he means. Joonmyun realises. Instead, Joonmyun shrugs and takes a sip of his iced tea.

“Kris is also acting very … independent of you recently.” Minseok observes. “I’m surprised he can actually live without you for two seconds.”

Joonmyun doesn’t respond.

“Guys, I gotta go meet up with a friend now.” Kris says as he waves vaguely at everyone and leaves.

Like hell you have friends. Joonmyun thinks to himself, scowling internally.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun has agreed to meet up with the man that had helped buy Chanyeol’s snacks for him, and stands outside the cafeteria, waiting.

, I don’t remember the way he looked. Baekhyun thinks to himself, feeling really awkward as he clutches his phone in his hand and 53000 won in another. As he looks around, he finds many different kinds of people waiting at this place, and realises there is no way he would be able to know exactly how the man looks like.

Luckily, the man recognises him and taps him on the shoulder. Baekhyun turns around and sighs in relief when he finds that he can briefly remember some features. He pushes the money towards the man.

“Thanks.” He says, realising he sounds a little awkward, or maybe he’s not the only one that’s awkward.

“Sorry for … the other day.” The man mumbles as he accepts the money. Baekhyun waves it off and leaves to his next class, sighing in relief that he doesn’t have to interact with that guy again.

On the way, he briefly lists the few things in his head that he has to do, one of them being a call to find a suitable psychologist for him. He stops walking and blinks.

Is it just him, or does he not dread this as much as he thought he would?

Is it because that once he had accepted something, things become less hard to confront? He was reluctant, stubborn, so that Chanyeol had to resort to a move that he had never used on Baekhyun. Of course, Baekhyun had planned to retaliate later by showing his annoyance and maybe anger, but he realises now that he’s … more okay with it than he thought he was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe that wasn’t the best way to do things. Chanyeol thinks to himself much later. Now that he’s got the ‘okay’ from Baekhyun, he’s more aware that maybe he had forced Baekhyun into doing it, even though ultimately it might be best for Baekhyun.

He can back down now, it’s not too late.

Yet … he really wants to see Baekhyun recover. Even if Baekhyun had been forced.

But then won’t he be one of those people from Baekhyun’s past that always forced him to do things?

Before he can even think this through, Baekhyun walks into the room.

“Hey Baek.” Chanyeol calls out a little timidly – guiltily. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” The older doesn’t seem too fussed as he sets down his bag and then takes off his shoes.

“Look, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Chanyeol says. “I mean, this kind of thing will only work best if you’re not forced into it.”

Baekhyun doesn’t reply for a long time as he moves around the room.

“Baek?” Chanyeol calls out.

“I know you mean well, Yeol.” Baekhyun finally says. “I can go if you want, I just think it’s a huge waste of time.”

“Why were you so against it then?”

“It didn’t work before.” The smaller replies. “It’s just … if it doesn’t work, it’s really … such a waste of time.”

“Nothing’s a waste of time if you try – oh god, Baek, it didn’t work because you didn’t try.” Realisation hits Chanyeol. “And you didn’t try because you were forced by the hospital, weren’t you?”

“I’m sorry, Baek.” Chanyeol mumbles, ranting now. “It wasn’t right of me to do that even though I felt it was the only way to … who am I, to take advantage of your feelings for me? I’ve been working so hard just to be that person that was not like everyone else in your life, but in the end I still became that person …”

Once again, Baekhyun is silent as he stares at Chanyeol and waits for the younger to finish.

“Don’t ever let me do that to you again.” He whispers. “Don’t let me take advantage of you again.”

“I’ve also been doing the same.” Baekhyun replies softly. “It’s really not that big a deal to me, anymore, but I only got stubborn because I was used to you giving in.”

“Still, at least not for something like this –”

“You give in to me too easily, so when you decided not to, I saw that you were really trying, and really wanted me to do it.”

“Don’t do it because I want you to do it –”

“I guess that’s what relationships are for.” Shrugging, the smaller grabs one packet of chips that he had given Chanyeol. “You do things for each other. Isn’t that why you gave me the cold shoulder in the first place?”

Silent, Chanyeol can only hear the crunching of chips in the air.

“I’m over it, Yeol.” Baekhyun continues. “At least I know this time I won’t be alone.”

Silence.

“I-I’ll look for psychologists nearby with you!” Chanyeol blurts eagerly. “I’ll be your bodyguard!”

Baekhyun chuckles, and that’s all Chanyeol needs to hear for this moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After hearing Kris rant about Joonmyun, Chanyeol hangs up just as Baekhyun returns to their room.

“Appointment next Monday, 2 o’clock.” Baekhyun says. Chanyeol widens his eyes and opens his lips in pleasant surprise.

“Aw, I love you Baek!” Chanyeol shouts, grinning madly. Baekhyun frowns a little at the response, looking a little dissatisfied. That’s when Chanyeol understands. He rushes up to the smaller and hugs him tightly, amused how if he was anyone else, he would never have understood Baekhyun’s wishes. Baekhyun, acting like the tsundere he is, doesn’t move at all and only starts sneaking his arms up a few seconds later, returning the tight hug.

“Want me to come with you?” Chanyeol asks enthusiastically.

“Don’t be an idiot, you have class.” Baekhyun sighs. “I’ll tell you how it goes.”

“I want to go with you though!”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Aw, I want to be there for you at all times!”

“Chanyeol, I need some privacy for this.”

“… Ok.”

“It’ll be fine.” Baekhyun reassures the older, burying his face in Chanyeol’s jacket. “I got this under control.”

“Baeeeeeeeeeeek.” Chanyeol calls when he lets go of Baekhyun’s smaller body, and his hand slides down to hold the smaller’s. Then he starts swinging his arm back and forth.

“What?”

“Baeeeeeeeeeek.” Without even realising, his bottom lip sticks out. Days of ‘abstaining’ from Baekhyun has killed him inside, and he wants to revive himself.

“Yeoooooooool.” Baekhyun replies, to his surprise. Even though Baekhyun looks small like all the other times Chanyeol had turned away from him coldly, at least this time he looks happy, from the way his eyes turn into half-moon crescents as he smiles his toothy smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Baek, are you sure?” Chanyeol asks for the nth time as he walks Baekhyun to his psychologist’s house, quite slowly.

“Stop asking that.” Baekhyun replies stiffly as his warm breath dissipates into the air.

“If you’re not ready for it, we could wait another time.” Chanyeol says softly. “Don’t push yourself.”

“Don’t feel bad for what happened, I needed a wake up call, Yeol.”

“It doesn’t make it right though!” Chanyeol exclaims. “I mean, maybe why I was so tempted to break back then was because I felt like it wasn’t the best way, and yet I thought it was the only way so I ... That … I’m sorry. I’m the biggest jerk ever.”

“Okay, maybe you didn’t do the right thing.” Baekhyun responds. “But at least you reflected on it. That means you won’t ever do it again, right?”

“Won’t ever.” Chanyeol promises, determined.

“Don’t pull a jerk move again.”

“Won’t pull a jerk move again.”

“And I’ll stop being so stubborn in return.”

“… Baek …”

“Oh, we’re here.” Baekhyun stops and points to the house number, then turns back around to face the taller. “Bye.”

“Wait!” Chanyeol calls out. “I’ll come with you – ” As he steps towards Baekhyun, Baekhyun holds out his hands and pushes him away.

“No, let me do it myself.” Baekhyun insists.

“No –” Chanyeol insists.

“It’s a personal thing, Yeol.” Baekhyun replies quietly. “I want to confront it myself.”

Chanyeol stands there frozen on the spot, and for a moment Baekhyun thinks he’s going to push past Baekhyun and walk through the door first. But eventually, Chanyeol waves.

“Bye Baek!” He calls out. “If the psychologist isn’t helping, we’ll get you another one! Stay safe and don’t get hurt!”

“Bye, Yeol.” Baekhyun waves before he waddles stiffly inside the gate.

“I LOVE YOU, BAEK!” Chanyeol yells. “I’M SORRY!”

“Shut up!” Baekhyun shouts back, then knocks on the door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol returns from his class that afternoon, eager to find out about Baekhyun’s experience.

“How was it?”

Baekhyun doesn’t respond, just continues to spin his pen as he sits on his bed. Chanyeol forgets his question for a few moments as he sets down his bag and takes out his books.

“Um.” Baekhyun speaks up. “She asked me to talk about my past.”

“Yeah? And what did you say?” Chanyeol tries to sound encouraging and lighthearted.

“I … didn’t really know what to say.” Baekhyun admits.

“Did you say anything in the end?” This time, Chanyeol moves towards the smaller’s bed and sits down with him. They’re so used to sitting next to each other’s beds that they sit at the side of the bed now, to leave a space for the other to climb on.

“I don’t know … I can’t remember.” Chanyeol pulls up the covers over both of them as Baekhyun speaks. “It’s not that I’m scared or anything but … I just didn’t know what to say … To a stranger. Even though I learnt this – I should be aware of this.”

Chanyeol wraps his arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder and pulls him in.

“I told her to give me some time.” Baekhyun mumbles. “Sorry, Yeol.”

“Don’t apologise.” Chanyeol pulls him closer. “These things take time. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“It just … .” Baekhyun sighs. “It really …”

“Hey, I’ll go with you next time!” Chanyeol chirps as he rubs the smaller’s waist. “I’ll come with you from now on.”

“You don’t have to –”

“I’m so sick of this bull.” Ranting, the taller pulls away. “I’m your boyfriend. This is my job.”

“It is not –”

“Well, I’m going and you can’t stop me!” Crossing his arms, Chanyeol watches as Baekhyun glares up at him, then sighs in defeat.

“I really can’t, can I.”

“I dragged you into this.” Feeling affectionate again, Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun to him and rests his head on top of Baekhyun’s. “So I deserve to go to hell with you.”

“I guess that makes hell a little less like hell.” Baekhyun replies, the smallest hint of a smile lighting up his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So here Chanyeol is, a week later with Baekhyun, sitting inside Dr Kim’s office.

“Um, hello. I’m Chanyeol.” Chanyeol stands and bows slightly. “I’m sorry, I’m just here to … uh, as a support.”

“That’s fine.” Dr Kim replies casually, and moves on so quickly that Chanyeol is stunned. “So Mr Byun, how have you been lately?”

“Fine.” Baekhyun mumbles, looking a little lost.

“Tell me what made you happy this past week.”

“Um …” Of course, Baekhyun had always been uncomfortable talking about himself.

“When Exo’s new album came out.” Chanyeol whispers.

“When Exo’s new album came out.” Baekhyun repeats.

“When you were happy with your assignment score.”

“When I was happy with my assignment score.”

“When you ate the cookies I baked.”

“When I ate the cookies he baked.”

“When –”

“When I had time to sing new songs, when I had a sweet dream, when Chanyeol tripped on his own feet and fell over, when my father called me from America.”

“How is your relationship with your father?” Dr Kim picks up immediately, smiling encouragingly.

“It wasn’t always great …” Baekhyun admits. “But it’s going good now.”

“Hm? That’s nice.” Dr Kim shifts a bit. “Do you have any siblings?”

“An older brother.”

“What about your relationship with him?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him in years.”

“All right then … Any other relatives?”

“No.” Baekhyun responds.

“Tell me about some other people that you care about.”

“I have some close friends. They’re really rowdy as a bunch, very immature and prank each other too much for their own good. But I guess at the end of the day they’re all loyal. They would risk their lives for you.” Chanyeol chuckles at the accuracy of that.

“That’s amazing. I’m sure they will be your lifelong friends.” Dr Kim smiles genuinely. Chanyeol finds that Dr Kim smiles as dazzlingly as Baekhyun does. “What about Chanyeol? Is he your close friend?”

“He’s my boyfriend.” Baekhyun declares so directly that even Chanyeol is shocked.

“What the , Baek …” Chanyeol mutters as he notices Dr Kim’s eyes widen in surprise. He just knows Baekhyun said this to get rid of the psychologist, if ever she is homophobic.

“Oh, really …” Chanyeol wonders how she’ll react after her shock dies down. But then her eye smile returns. “That’s so cute. No wonder you seem so protective of Mr Byun.”

Clearly Baekhyun and Chanyeol are a little surprised at how accepting Dr Kim is, because she laughs.

“Gotta find myself a man like Chanyeol here.” Dr Kim grins. Surprisingly, Baekhyun loosens up first.

“No, you don’t.” Baekhyun cuts in. “He’s a pain in the .”

“Hey!” Chanyeol complains, and all of them melt in laughter.

This time Baekhyun seems a little more content when he leaves Dr Kim’s house. Dr Kim had made it so comfortable that they feel like years-old friends instead of a doctor-patient relationship, and Chanyeol thinks that if this is how all doctors are like, then how beautiful would the world be?

“So what are you doing tomorrow?” Chanyeol asks, because Dr Kim had decided she should see Baekhyun every day rather than once a week, and they had discussed by themselves as Chanyeol went to the toilet.

“Just regular talks.” Baekhyun responds vaguely. “You don’t need to come anymore. I think I should be fine now.”

“You sure?” The taller asks worriedly. “It’s just a walking distance from where we are, I could just –”

“I promise I’ll be fine.” Smiling, Baekhyun reaches down and curls his index finger over Chanyeol’s. “She wouldn’t harm a fly.”

“Yeah, okay.” Chanyeol mumbles.

“Why do you sound so disappointed?” Baekhyun narrows his eyes. “Can’t get enough of her pretty face?”

“You know no one is as pretty as you in my eyes – Ouch! Why did you kick me for?!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Why is Chanyeol-ssi not here today?” Dr Kim asks, blinking curiously.

“I just don’t want him here.” Baekhyun replies. “For what we’re going to talk about today.”

“That’s fine.” She nods, understanding. “So tell me how you’re faring with your past. You don’t have to tell me what your past is if you’re not ready.”

“It’s very rare, but sometimes I have nightmares.” Baekhyun says. “And it wasn’t as bad as it used to be. It doesn’t feel … as real as it used to.”

“Does it bother you? Has it ever affected your daily life and thoughts?”

“No.” Maybe it’s because it doesn’t bother him as much anymore that he doesn’t want Chanyeol to know. Chanyeol is the biggest worry wart out there. “It is scary … to wake up like that, sometimes feeling as if nothing has changed and I was still stuck there, but … At least now I know it’s just a dream.”

“You’re right, and that’s probably the most important thing.” Dr Kim says softly. “For a survivor like you, nightmares and flashbacks can’t be stopped sometimes, but as long as it doesn’t make you relapse, it should be fine. I think all we need to work on now is for you to completely move on so these nightmares become even rarer.” Baekhyun nods, heart racing in his chest as he wonders if that’ll ever be possible. For him to be completely freed from those flashbacks and nightmares that feels as if they’ll always be a part of him.

And maybe he never will be. Maybe, for the rest of his life, he’ll be stuck with occasional flashbacks that will leave him sitting up in cold sweat. Maybe, even if everything around him changes, his friends, his hobbies, his perception in life, this is something that will always stay with him.

But even so, Baekhyun is completely okay with that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So what did Dr Kim say?” Chanyeol asks hopefully, eyes wide with anticipation.

“I’m doing well with recovery.” Baekhyun replies, smiling. “She says so far it seems I’m unlikely to go back to who I was before. Because my mindset is able to handle the flashbacks and stuff.”

“You’re proud, aren’t you?” The taller grins widely as he steps towards Baekhyun and holds him loosely by the shoulders. “Tell me.”

“Mm.” Baekhyun admits that this makes him feel as if he’s achieved something.

“I’m happy.” Chanyeol mumbles as he pulls Baekhyun in and hugs him tightly. “Let’s go on a date.”

“I haven’t time to do work lately, Yeol.”

“Let’s go on a study date.” Chanyeol corrects, pulling his body away from Baekhyun but leaning his face closer, nuzzling it against Baekhyun’s for a few seconds before pulling away.

“Sounds good.” Baekhyun replies as he grabs his bag and waits for the taller. “Hurry up, Yeol.”

“Coming!” The taller chirps energetically as he bounds over to Baekhyun, bag slung over his shoulder. They enter one of the cafes they’ve seen but never been to on campus, and sit themselves down inside, near the windows.

“I’ll order us drinks.” Chanyeol says as he bounds happily towards the counter. Baekhyun smiles and pulls out his laptop, then begins doing his work. Soon, Chanyeol returns with iced chocolate in his hands as he sits opposite Baekhyun with a large grin.

“You look happy today.” Baekhyun observes with a raised eyebrow.

“I am.” Man, does Chanyeol’s smile look dreamy. “Because you make me happy.”

“… Chanyeol, if you say like that again I’m going to kick your out of here.”

“If you threaten me again I’m going to say it more~” The taller replies playfully.

“Grow up.” Baekhyun mutters.

“Hey guys.” Kris greets as he takes a seat. “Never see you guys around here.”

“ off, Kris, we’re on a study date.” Chanyeol complains.

“Where’s the fun if you don’t have someone to you?” Wagging his eyebrows, Kris moves towards the middle so he blocks the two of them from view. Chanyeol slaps Kris on the shoulder and they start bickering. Meanwhile, Baekhyun stares into the distance and sees Joonmyun walking in by himself.

Baekhyun waves once the older walks in, but Joonmyun only glances his way, nods, and shuffles towards the back.

“Joonmyun’s here.” Baekhyun whispers, trying to get rid of Kris, but Kris shrugs and continues to bicker with Chanyeol.

What? Baekhyun blinks, confused, then turns to face Joonmyun who had decided to sit by himself in the corner. What’s up with them? Still haven’t made up?

“I’m gonna check on Joonmyun.” Baekhyun says as he prepares to stand, but then Chanyeol suddenly pushes Kris away aggressively.

“Go deal with your own ing problems.” Chanyeol hisses then reaches out and grabs Baekhyun by the arm almost desperately. “Gosh, if I didn’t know better I’d say you’re jealous of our relationship.”

“He’s got a point.” Baekhyun points out. “What kind of boyfriend are you if you leave your lover to sit by himself?”

“It’s breaking my heart, okay!” Kris whispers, exasperated. “But I don’t have a choice. Chanyeol understands.”

“…?” When Baekhyun turns to eye Chanyeol suspiciously, the taller smiles sheepishly.

“Baekhyun, you’d understand too, if you knew what was happening.”

“Well, I think if you talked it out with him and gave each other reasons why, it’d work out.” Baekhyun shrugs, sipping his iced chocolate. “Because it doesn’t seem like Joonmyun’s going to warm up to you any time soon.”

“I’m waiting for normal Joonmyun to return, then he’d talk to me in seconds!”

“That’s not going to happen the more you piss him off.”

“…” Kris looks hesitant now as he glances over at Joonmyun.

“Just go and talk to him.” Chanyeol presses. “Hurry, before you waste any more time.”

Feeling pressured by the hastiness in Chanyeol’s tone, Kris rushes away and towards Joonmyun, finally leaving the other two alone.

“, I thought we were never gonna get rid of him …” Chanyeol mutters as he reaches out and grabs Baekhyun’s iced chocolate, sipping it contently.

“You got your own drink, you greedy bastard.” Baekhyun scowls.

“Don’t be stingy.” The taller complains.

“Childish.”

“What you say is what you are.”

“…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kris, surprisingly, is successful in pulling Joonmyun to a quiet, deserted area.

“We need to talk.” Kris says.

“Finally.” Joonmyun mutters.

“Are you ever going to introduce me to your parents?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“I want to talk about it.” Kris cuts in. “And none of us are going to leave unless we sort this out.”

“You just don’t understand.” Joonmyun had always been vague, because he never liked tiring himself out trying to explain something that is already so clear to him. At least, this Joonmyun does.

“Can you make me understand?”

Joonmyun remains silent.

“I see.” Kris’s voice is quiet, defeated, and Joonmyun feels his grip loosen. When Joonmyun looks up, Kris’s eyes are wet. “If that’s how important I am to you, then so be it.”

Joonmyun is so lost he spends the next half a minute staring at Kris who’s staring back even though his eyes are shining with tears.

And the next thing Joonmyun knows, Kris is gone.

And then it’s too late to stop Kris, to stop Kris from hurting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun spends the rest of the day ignoring what had happened, and he goes through all his classes and meetings and meetups with no problems.

It is until it’s night and he’s lying down on his bed does that come back to him.

Even though he tries not to, he ends up feeling guilty.

It’s not my fault. He thinks. He’s just being his old sensitive self, he should really get over that.

But in the end, even though he tries to convince himself that it wasn’t his fault, the fact that Kris is upset is what bothers him, whether it’s his fault or not.

I’ll talk to him tomorrow then. Joonmyun decides eventually. It’s only after he has decided what to do is he able to have a peaceful sleep.

Joonmyun had always been a level-headed person who could keep his emotions separate from work if he wanted to. And so he keeps it separate until he finds Kris the next day, just to talk to him.

“Kris.” He calls quietly at the breakfast table at a Kris who’s standing up, holding his bowl. Kris ignores him, like he sort of expects, so Joonmyun reaches out and touches the older’s arm.

Kris throws it off with a shake. Surprised, Joonmyun watches as Kris frowns and walks away, looking as if he’s still stung from yesterday.

Chen, whom Kris was talking too, stares with wide eyes at the interaction. Flustered at being rejected so publicly, Joonmyun goes red and then leaves hurriedly, feeling anger rise up inside him once again.

Yes, Joonnmyun has a lot of pride. He’s not like the others, who will sacrifice their pride for someone they care about – Joonmyun has pride and most times he just won’t give in.

Like now – he’s completely given up. Let Kris sulk for all he cares.

But this time, surprisingly, Kris is the one that looks for him first.

“Joonmyun.” He calls when he barges into the room.

“I don’t have time for you.” Joonmyun responds calmly.

“I’m sorry.” The taller blurts. “For brushing you off like that.”

“I don’t have time to get hung up over something like that.”

“Why don’t you let me meet your parents then?” Once again, Kris jumps back to the topic. Joonmyun had predicted this even before he predicted the older would apologise for his actions. “Is it because I’m embarrassing?”

Silence.

“Because I’m a man?”

Silence.

“Because I’m poor?”

Silence.

“Or am I just not good enough for you?”

Yes, you’re not  good enough. Joonmyun wants to say out of anger, but he can’t bear to see Kris cry again, even if he cannot express his anger to relieve himself, like he usually does.

“You’re a man, you’re poor, you have no status.” Joonmyun points out. “Kris, do you think they’ll accept you?”

“I can’t help it though.” Now Kris is just as exasperated, hurt flashing all over his eyes. “I can’t help that I’m a man, that I’m poor, that I have no status.”

“And I can’t help it either.” Joonmyun fires back. “That my parents care about gender, money, and status.”

Kris can see it coming. Money and status is something Joonmyun can’t escape from, and Kris knows so well that Joonmyun can never escape his parents. Sure, rebelling a bit worked to piss them off, but ultimately Joonmyun’s parents are just as stubborn as him, with just as short a temper. One more touch will tip the iceberg – what if, because of Kris, Joonmyun is kicked out of his home, forced to lose his status, his money, and his everything?

Realisation dawns on him – Joonmyun is only trying to protect him from his own family. Knowing Joonmyun, he’s probably afraid that his parents will threaten Kris to leave him, and doing that means pushing Kris away to a completely foreign place, where Kris will have to rediscover his own identity elsewhere, make completely new friends, and settle in. Joonmyun was only trying to protect him, and he could only think about himself.

But he also realises now that it’s not just the issue of meeting family; it’s the issue of hiding forever. Even if they go on like this, it’ll never work because of his parents will never accept their love, will probably disown Joonmyun, and Kris will never let Joonmyun suffer with him.

“I guess … that means we just can’t work out.” Kris says softly, heart beating so fast at these words. Maybe he’s talked about proposing to Joonmyun before, of marrying him, but maybe a part of him had never taken it seriously because maybe he always knew it would come to this. He was just too afraid to think about it.

“I can’t help it.” Joonmyun replies, just as softly. “That despite all that, I still love your sorry .”

A little stunned, Kris can only freeze in his spot, because he had been expecting a breakup, right then and there.

“Fine.” Joonmyun continues. “Let’s meet them.”

“I-It’s fine now –”

“Make up your mind.”

That shuts Kris up.

“I’d sooner get it over with.” Joonmyun mutters, then looks up at Kris. “So don’t cry anymore.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’ll sure you’ll be okay without me?” Chanyeol asks for the nth time as he watches his boyfriend get ready for his session with Dr Kim.

“Yeol, I lived twenty two years without you and I think I can live without you for an hour.”

“… Oi, you did not live twenty two years without me … we met when you were eighteen!”

“Bye.”

“Hey –” The door closes and Baekhyun is gone. Still feeling a little concerned even though he knows Baekhyun can take care of himself, Chanyeol calls Dr Kim.

“Hi, this is Chanyeol. Please take care of Baekhyun.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

“When will you finish? In one hour, right?”

“Yes, maybe around two.”

“Thank you.” Chanyeol hangs up.

Meanwhile, Baekhyun is once again back at Dr Kim’s office. Like always, she asks about his day, about his feelings, about what makes him happy, about what made him sad. Baekhyun’s up to the habit where he would mentally list down each of these things, just so he would have lots to tell Dr Kim about. Maybe it’s because Dr Kim is kind, maybe Chanyeol is hopeful and happy and encouraging, maybe Baekhyun is just eager to completely heal, maybe it’s all of that.

“See you tomorrow.” Dr Kim waves, smiling her charming eye-smile once more. Baekhyun leaves her house, ready to walk home.

“Boo.” A deep voice sounds from next to him, and Baekhyun turns, unfazed, to find Chanyeol backed up against the wall. The taller’s lips turn down into a pout at Baekhyun’s lack of reaction.

“Why’re you here?” Baekhyun asks.

“Want to be the best boyfriend and pick you up from places.” Chanyeol grins. “Am I being romantic enough?”

“If you’re just going to gloat, then I’d rather you not do this at all.” Baekhyun mutters, satisfied when Chanyeol scowls.

“One day, Baek …” Shaking his finger in an attempt to be threatening, Chanyeol’s expression instead breaks it all.

“I swear, I’m gonna ing sew up your mouth one day.”

“Then you won’t hear me calling out your name.”

“You make it sound like I need your voice to live.”

“Baekhyun, my voice is the voice from the heavens.”

“Feels like hell to me.”

And that’s how they bicker all the way home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Yeol.” Baekhyun calls out one day in the middle of the night. He had just woken up for no reason, and after hearing shifting from Chanyeol’s bed, he guesses Chanyeol must’ve done the same.

“Mm?” Contrasting to him though, the younger sounds a lot more tired, as if he’s ready to go back to sleep. Baekhyun isn’t, though, at least not yet.

“You said you had low self-esteem and self-confidence issues …” Baekhyun starts. “Have you ever been to a counsellor?”

Chanyeol doesn’t reply for a while.

“… Mm, uh … Probably once or twice?” Chanyeol’s sleepy voice is adorable, Baekhyun has to say. “Why?”

“Just checking.” Sighing in relief, Baekhyun catches himself. Realisation dawns on him that maybe that’s how Chanyeol had felt at the thought of Baekhyun refusing to see a doctor to treat his trauma. It’s terrifying, thinking of the possibilities that Chanyeol may never have healed properly from self-esteem and self-confidence issues. After all, Baekhyun knows very well, maybe in Psychology or maybe from experience, that these issues, on the surface, may not be a problem, but sometimes they can destroy a person.

“Mm, I’m okay, Baek.” Chanyeol says, even in his sleepiness understanding Baekhyun’s heart. “Go to sleep.”

“Thanks for looking out for me, Yeol.” Baekhyun says, a long while after silence. Silence answers him, but he’s okay with that.

The next day, Baekhyun visits Dr Kim again, like he’s been doing for the past few weeks. It’s up to a point where he’s so determined to get better that he would try and speak as much as possible about his life.

“You know, Mr Byun …” Dr Kim speaks up at the end of their session. “I think you’ll be fine.”

Baekhyun blinks, a little confused.

“All your behavioural signs seem okay, and from the things you’ve told me, I can deduce that your outlook on life is bright.”

“… What does that mean?” Baekhyun whispers, eyes wide.

“That means you don’t have to come here anymore.” Dr Kim smiles brightly.

Baekhyun’s heart skips a beat.

After he has processed his, he thanks Dr Kim deeply, telling her that he and Chanyeol will visit her often. He waves to her for one last time then leaves her mansion one last time, feeling a sort of heavy lightness in his heart. That he’s finally overcome this moment, maybe not with confidence, because mental illnesses come and go so easily only because humans are so fragile, but at least that’s something. That he’s finally overcome this moment, and now he has to leave someone that has made him feel so at home that he was able to feel more confident about expressing himself in the first place. Whether or not he had a mental illness in the first place doesn’t even matter in this case.

He thinks about this as he looks up at the grey, cloudy sky. It’s cold and so he pulls his coat around himself more, sinking his chin into his scarf.

It’s a beautiful day even if it’s gloomy, and Baekhyun feels so at peace. Something he hadn’t really felt before he started getting to know Chanyeol that fateful school year they got put together in the same room.

“It’s so cold.” He mutters into his scarf as he stretches out his hands and lets his body shiver a little. Then he pulls his body in again and sinks himself in even more. Suddenly, he feels something heavy drape over his body and he looks up to find Chanyeol busy trying to fit his large cloak over Baekhyun’s body so it doesn’t fall.

“You stalker.” Baekhyun mutters as he immediately leans into Chanyeol’s longer body.

“It’s not stalking if you acknowledge and accept my presence.” Chanyeol grins dumbly, hand snaking around the smaller’s shoulder and pulling him in.

“I got news to tell you.” The smaller tries his hardest to seem grim and not to let a flicker of a smile pass over his lips.

“… Why that face?” Chanyeol’s concerned eyes flits into his view. “It’s not bad, is it?”

Baekhyun chooses not to answer, cackling evilly inside.

“Baekhyun …” Chanyeol mutters desperately. “Are you going to tell me or not?”

“…” Suddenly feeling really excited, Baekhyun jumps out of Chanyeol’s grasp. The taller, shocked, flinches and blinks wildly at the unexpected action.

“I don’t have to go to the sessions anymore.” Baekhyun grins widely. Blinking, Chanyeol stares widely at Baekhyun, as if still unable to process the smaller’s sudden bubbliness.

“Oh!” Chanyeol exclaims. “Oh! REALLY?”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun’s smile is so wide it hurts his muscles. He’s smiling so widely he’s surprised. But then what surprises him more is Chanyeol shouting and then picking him up from the floor. He yelps in surprise when Chanyeol spins him around then sets him down again.

“What the ?” Baekhyun laughs, holding onto the taller’s forearms tightly.

“Spinning the smol one to show how much he deserves to fly!”

“More like to make yourself happier.”

“ILYS!!!”

“…” Baekhyun stuffs his hands in his pockets and then turns his heel, walking away from his boyfriend who always spouts weird things when he’s happy when he’s being his normal self, really. Chanyeol catches up to him, holding him by the shoulders as he follows like a little puppy, and just like that, the both of them walk back to their college.

They meet Joonmyun and Kris on the way, who are arguing to hold bags. Kris is arguing to hold Joonmyun’s bag whereas Joonmyun is trying to fight him off.

“Finally made up?” Chen walks over, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol join in after.

“Joonmyun’s finally taking me to see his parents.” Kris says, grinning madly. “Aren’t you, Joon-kins?”

“You fought for so long because of that?” Chen shakes his head. “I can’t believe couples nowadays.”

“Yes, but you know what came out of it?” Finally, Kris lets go of Joonmyun’s bag and walks towards the front, eyes glinting.

“So we were arguing, and Joonmyun said his parents wanted someone who was a lady, who was rich and had a high status.” Kris starts, and in the back, Joonmyun is slinging his backpack over his shoulders. “And so I said, I said ‘I can’t help it I don’t have any’. And you know what he said?”

Joonmyun seems to have realised what Kris plans to do, so he quickly walks up to them and covers Kris’s mouth with his hand.

“He said – mmf!” Kris’s eyes turn wide as Joonmyun drags him away.

“Have fun.” Baekhyun, Chen and Chanyeol call out. Chen turns towards them.

“So …” Chen looks Baekhyun up and down, then turns towards Chanyeol. “Can I borrow your coat?”

“What?” Chanyeol glances towards Baekhyun, then shakes his head. “No way! Can’t you see Baek is freezing?”

“He looks fine to me.” Chen mutters, rubbing his own arms. “What are friends for?”

“Here.” Baekhyun begins to take off the coat, but Chanyeol stops him.

“What the Baek, that’s my coat.” Chanyeol complains. “Don’t give it to him.”

“What a bastard.” Chen mutters to himself before reaching his arms out, grinning sweetly. “Thanks, Baek~” Before Chanyeol can say any more, Baekhyun had already passed the coat to Chen, who grabs it with swift hands before he rushes away quickly.

“You better not dirty it!” Chanyeol calls out.

“There is no one more unclean than me, Yeol.” Baekhyun points out.

“…”

“Yo!” Someone calls from over the distance, and the both of them turn to find Lu Han walking towards them, wearing shirt and shorts and holding a soccer ball in his arm.

“How the hell are you not cold?” Chanyeol asks, amazed. Lu Han shrugs, then turns to Baekhyun.

“Hey, Baekhyun.” He greets, spinning the ball on the tip of his finger. Baekhyun nods in acknowledgement before he reaches out and tries to slap the ball away mischievously. Lu Han’s reflexes have always been fast, though, and he moves his finger away before Baekhyun can even touch it. “How’s life going?”

“Baekhyun’s psychologist said he doesn’t need to go to his sessions anymore.” Chanyeol announces proudly. Confused, the smaller blinks.

“I wasn’t aware you told anyone –”

“Oh? That’s great~” Grinning, the oldest passes the soccer ball to his other arm and he moves to hug Baekhyun (more like put an arm around his shoulders). “I guess hyung here doesn’t need to worry any more then?”

“Yeah, thanks for helping.” Chanyeol smiles genuinely as he holds out his hand and they do a handshake. “You’re the best, hyung.”

“See ya.” Lu Han chirps, then jogs away.

Baekhyun is still blinking in his spot.

“What the hell just happened …” Baekhyun mutters to himself, then closes his eyes as a shiver runs throughout his body. “Cold.”

“Let’s go back to our room.” Laughing, Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun’s cold hand into his pocket and pulls him home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

ask.fm

Thank you for waiting! Still taking requests, however due to busy schedule, I might not be able to update regularly anymore.

Note: the depictions of psychologist may not be accurate, as I have not studied in this field nor am I a professional.