Part 1

Fixing Broken Magnets
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FIXING BROKEN MAGNETS (Part 1)

“Let’s have a divorce.”

The words kept on repeating in JooHyun’s head as soon as they left SeulGi’s mouth. It resonated in her ears like rapid, crashing waves that sent eerie chills down her spine. She felt each and every cold prickle in her skin, in her insides, as the words continued to echo.

Her fingers curled their selves more around the mug she was holding, and thank God she was sitting down because she didn’t know what would even happen if she were standing instead.

Their supposed-to-be normal, ‘routinely’ breakfast together – that seemed more out of obligation than wanting – took an unexpected turn when SeulGi decided to drop the final bomb to their already-destructed relationship.

JooHyun’s head swam in space for a second before she finally let the implication of the words sink into her,

It has come to this, then.

She felt herself swallowing hard, and swallowing dryly as her reply scratched in the struggle of trying to get out. She managed though,

“A-Alright.”

Not a ‘Run by that me again, please’, or a simple ‘What’, or a need for more clarification – because shouldn’t this need a clearer enough an explanation?

Yet JooHyun didn’t ask anymore.

She fully understood what was happening and what was being asked. She didn’t need any more description on how broken their marriage was, nor any more reasons why separation was the only answer to their question of a marriage.

This was what SeulGi wanted, and maybe this was what she wanted, too. The past few years had finally taken their toll and now they were on their way to finally setting each other free from their loose grips.

When JooHyun found the courage to bring her eyes up to meet SeulGi’s, she didn’t know what would welcome her from those eyes that used to stare at her with such warmth and such awe. But now all they held were apathy and indifference.

It was actually better than hatred and anger, they were never like that – she and SeulGi. They rarely got mad at each other, rarely had knives on each other’s throat. And maybe that was more painful, not being angry at the other, because now they’d separate knowing fully that nothing was wrong.

Nothing, except for the fact that they don’t love each other anymore.

That they don’t love each other as much anymore.

That the love they had for the past decade started to slowly fade and maybe they could have prevented it, or maybe they both knew that it’d be futile if they did.

But whatever the reason was, they just knew that there was no saving what or saving who in the situation. They’re both at fault, and they silently acknowledged that.

“Okay.”

SeulGi’s response made JooHyun jump a little at her seat because the answer came out smoother than she thought. Like SeulGi already had this played in mind a thousand times, like SeulGi already knew this would happen.

It clenched at JooHyun’s heart, of course it still somehow did. Spending ten years or so with someone should have held a big part of your life no matter how the past years have dimmed it.

JooHyun could only nod as a response, because how does one expect her to reply?

She ground on her teeth as her fingers continuously tap – because her hands were shaking – on the mug. She’s brought her eyes down already and she only noticed that they landed on SeulGi’s shirt. Maybe she could fix SeulGi’s collar first before sending her off to work, or to SooJung’s, or to wherever SeulGi’s heading now.

Her irrational thoughts were only broken when SeulGi started speaking and it asked the attention of her eyes on SeulGi’s again,

“I’ll be the one to file the case and get the papers, if you’d want,” SeulGi bit on a lip – goddamnit, “To, to at least save you the trouble.”

There is no saving here.

Only trouble,

Only trouble.

“Sure,” JooHyun nodded after a second, and after more seconds of thinking, if you could even call it thinking, she nervously asked, “But can you please… file it a little later this month?”

Give us more time to think, to reconcile. Was that what JooHyun wanted to say?

“To talk about the division of property and all,” Was what JooHyun said instead. Cut the drama, she didn’t need any more of those.

It was SeulGi’s turn to look at her, and if it were the first few years of their blossoming love, it would have come off endearing and caring, but now that their withering love had taken over, it only carried pity and nonchalance.

For a reason, JooHyun hated that fact a bit. But she couldn’t change it now, could she?

“Alright, that sounds good,” SeulGi cautiously nodded, and JooHyun winced at what she just said, ‘good’?

“We’ll talk through this more soon,” SeulGi started standing up and motioned absently to the doorway, “I, I just have to go to work now. Just wanted to open the discussion with you.”

JooHyun also stood up as she started walking to the door with SeulGi in front. It had always been like that, even if their marriage was out of responsibility now. Couldn’t break routines now. She nodded her answer as she did, “Y-Yes, we’d talk about it more later.”

“Oh,” SeulGi mid-turned to her as she put on her coat, “I… I might not come back here tonight.”

JooHyun stopped midway and damn it all to hell, she didn’t know what struck her more. If the fact that SeulGi never quite use the word ‘home’ to refer to their house anymore – to her anymore – or the fact that SeulGi’d be staying at SooJung’s again.

SeulGi’s affair with SooJung wasn’t unexpected, to be honest. Their marriage was crumbling and they both tried hard to keep it, they did, God knows how hard they did. But there’s just really no more ways to hold it together.

They had been happy, that’s true. But it seemed that their happiness had an expiration date, and sadly, their relationship had hit it.

They were like two people from the same magnet that broke apart. That they eventually repelled each other after. That even when they could still find each other, their relationship already had cracks if ever they did.

So when JooHyun started picking up SeulGi’s growing feelings for another person instead, she couldn’t blame SeulGi fully, either.

They just never seemed to entirely talk about it in the open. Maybe out of respect for SeulGi, or for herself – from the shame knowing that she couldn’t keep her own partner happy, and should be found with someone else. But it was there.

SeulGi’s relationship with SooJung was just this big elephant in the room that they’d always, always let be. They mentioned it from time to time, in bits and pieces, and they came to a silent understanding that they’d let this affair happen.

So the divorce, really, was never a surprise anymore.

“O-Oh,” JooHyun wandered the floor instead before timidly saying, “Then maybe another time.”

How pathetic. The own wife allowing her own spouse to love someone else freely. To not even fight for their relationship anymore and just blatantly give her own blessing to a newly formed one by her own partner.

She and SeulGi were just plain roommates by then, lower than roommates actually, since SeulGi doesn’t come home at nights in a month. Worse, because JooHyun allowed it, that she acknowledged it, even.

No confrontations, no clarifications, no questions.

Everything was crystal clear.

“I’ll just get some of my things probably this weekend.” SeulGi had said then, and JooHyun went back to what was happening.

JooHyun nodded, because that was the only thing she could think of doing then. She wiped her palms by her side and her eyes wandered for a bit before setting on SeulGi again, she said, but not without difficulty, “T-Take care on your way to work.”

SeulGi stared at her then, and JooHyun didn’t know if she should lean in for a kiss or not.

But SeulGi beat her to it by curtly smiling, and with a final nod, went for the door.

It had always been like that the past weeks – a quick smile and a brief nod, not even much of a touch – and JooHyun should have been used to it now,

But this time it was different, SeulGi wouldn’t be coming back for good. SeulGi wouldn’t be coming back for dinner, or for breakfasts, or for snacks. She wouldn’t be coming back to take a bath or a quick shower, or even sleep in the house – not that they share the same bed these past months. She wouldn’t even be coming back to sleep on the couch or in the spare room. SeulGi would be doing all those things in another house now – one that SeulGi would be able to call ‘home’ again.

And this time it was different, SeulGi wouldn’t be coming back to her for celebrations and occasions, nor family reunions or friend’s parties. SeulGi wouldn’t be coming back to her for stories and advices.

Gone are their movie nights and lunch dates, and silly jokes and pointless murmurs. Gone are their shared blankets on cold nights and ice creams on warm days, their countless photo albums and burned CDs, or their small notes and long letters. Gone are their prized weekend get-aways and vacation trips, or playful glances and stolen kisses.

No more shoulders to cry on, or hands that know where to touch her in the right places. Or lips that know how to make her feel better.

No more SeulGi.

SeulGi who she spent almost half of her life with, who knows her better than she would ever know herself.

And this time, everything was different.

Because SeulGi would be doing all those things they used to with someone else now,

One that SeulGi would be able to call ‘hers’ again.

---

Watching the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with walk out of your door – out of your life – wasn’t the perfect scenario.

Yet there was JooHyun, watching how the person she spent a decade and more of her life with leave without second thoughts, without regrets.

Leaving only void and emptiness from the departure, leaving JooHyun’s already-broken heart in her own hand if not in her own throat.

Yet JooHyun wondered why it didn’t hurt that much when it finally happened. It wasn’t a joyride, either, but it didn’t hurt the way she expected it, too. Not that she expected any less. Maybe the indifferent shrugs and the endless cold shoulders the past few years helped in preparing her for what was about to come. And it did. It came, it happened. Not too soon, but not too welcomed, either.

JooHyun’s feelings were as mixed as her thoughts when SeulGi had finally closed the door – the one that they both entered together the first time they moved to the house, with their hands tightly holding on to the other as their smiles speak for them the happiness they felt at that time. But now the same door held the tangle of emotions flooding JooHyun’s soul – if she should be relieved or if she should be sad, because isn’t that what she should feel right now?

But she wasn’t. She wasn’t crying, nor did a single tear start dropping. She was just standing there, in front of the shut door, feeling nothing and everything all at once.

Was she actually waiting for SeulGi to come running back? To tell her that it was just a burst of emotions when they finally ended things? To tell her that this whole ‘asking for a divorce’ was just a mistake and that it was not them – JooHyun and SeulGi – that was? That they never were a mistake, like how it was different years ago when they were still very blissful in each other’s arms?

Was JooHyun actually waiting for SeulGi to come back to her? To return and embrace her tight like how she always wanted, like how SeulGi always seemed to know how she liked it? To whisper comforting words and say ‘I love you’ once more after so long a time JooHyun already forgot what those words meant.

JooHyun couldn’t even remember the last time they even said it to each other. To say it like they still meant it. Because when they do say it, it felt like it was just out of routine. That it was just out of obligation that they do.

The words became so foreign to them that it felt like a burden that needed letting out to somehow ease the weight of the words on their shoulders.

So there JooHyun was, having a last good look, a one last glance at SeulGi’s retreating form.

There JooHyun was, watching SeulGi leave that door, witnessing every step out of her house,

Watching as how SeulGi, little by little, walk out of her life as well.

---

When did it start?

When did everything start to go downhill?

JooHyun only remembered meeting SeulGi when she was seventeen and SeulGi was fourteen. She only remembered spending her time with SeulGi, and enjoying SeulGi’s company.

She only remembered falling in love with SeulGi.

And admitting it, and accepting SeulGi’s love for her, too.

She only remembered the times they’d stay up late at night for talking over the phone, or waking early to walk to school together. JooHyun only remembered going to places with SeulGi, or staying at home with her, too, as the years passed by.

She only remembered how nervous she felt meeting SeulGi’s parents for the first time, and she knew too well how SeulGi was just as nervous meeting hers. JooHyun only remembered how giddy she felt when SeulGi gave her their matching bracelets, or how sad she felt when she had to go to university and leave SeulGi for a bit.

JooHyun only remembered how anxious she was whenever SeulGi wouldn’t be replying to her messages, and how relieved she was whenever SeulGi did. Or how excited she was after her graduation and SeulGi was there with her family to watch, and she did the same to SeulGi years after.

She only remembered how light it felt whenever they hugged, or how butterflies seemed to flutter whenever they kissed. And JooHyun only remembered how it felt touching SeulGi for the first time, and how it felt surreal when SeulGi had touched her, too. How she felt utterly in bliss when they met wholly for the first time.

And JooHyun would never forget how her heart was about to burst out of her chest when they decided to marry after years in the relationship, and how they promised to spend the rest of their lives together.

And that was all JooHyun remembered.

None that they fought, or that they threw hurtful words to each other. Not even when they were jealous or disappointed.

So how did it come to this?

When they practically knew each other’s likes and dislikes, ups and downs? When they could even recognize the other’s scent miles away, or know the weight and patterns of the other’s walk? When they knew each other like the backs of their hands, or even with their eyes closed.

And that was when JooHyun finally remembered how their mess of a marriage started happening.

When they knew each other too well that there was nothing new anymore, nothing to look forward to anymore.

That in the law of magnets, unlike poles attract, and like poles repel. And JooHyun guessed that they were too much alike, and if they weren’t too alike, then they were different – too different. That no magnetic poles could bring them together.

Maybe it started when they spent less time talking, or spent more time at work, or maybe it started when they felt more relieved when they were actually apart than when they were together. Before they couldn’t tolerate being apart from each other even for a second – whenever SeulGi’s out-of-town for work, or when JooHyun’s needed at Daegu – with SeulGi even insisting they go together. Later then, they started becoming apathetic to where the other goes. That SeulGi doesn’t ask anymore if she could come with JooHyun, or that JooHyun doesn’t ask how long until SeulGi comes back.

That when one time, JooHyun went to Daegu alone, she didn’t even feel the least guilt when she actually wanted to stay longer there than coming back home to Seoul – to SeulGi.

That there was this one time that SeulGi even forgot to tell JooHyun that she’d be leaving for a week for work, and they actually didn’t mind. That they both feigned surprise to see the other after.

That the night SeulGi suggested she sleep on the spare room instead since she’d be pulling an all-nighter would be the start of the nights they would spend less and less time sleeping beside each other. And hell, they didn’t mind.

That the time it slipped their minds that it was their anniversary should have been infuriating, but it didn’t if both of them forgot. And both of them did forget, or maybe they didn’t. Maybe they were really just not looking forward to it anymore that they stopped celebrating it.

That the throng of JooHyun’s admirers didn’t seem to bother SeulGi anymore, or the people that wanted SeulGi didn’t make JooHyun bat an eye anymore.

Or maybe it was because SeulGi respected JooHyun’s decision to not fight anymore, and JooHyun respected SeulGi’s decision not to fight for her.

And so maybe that was when it started falling apart,

When they finally realized how broken they were,

How broken they were when they were together.

---

To heal a wound, you must stop touching it.

JooHyun fully knew that, so why was she on the floor – packing SeulGi’s things up, folding SeulGi’s clothes, and putting away everything that SeulGi owns?

When she knew completely well that it would bring memories if she did?

And maybe that’s what JooHyun failed to remember, that memories would come running back if she decided to help pack for SeulGi to save SeulGi the trouble – or maybe save herself the trouble, because she couldn’t stomach the thought of SeulGi going and staying at their – her, JooHyun’s – house just to pack away.

To take back everything SeulGi owned in the house when they were practically in there for years already. So maybe JooHyun thought that it would be easier for herself to do the packing for SeulGi instead, but now, she regretted it because – goddamnit – memories overflow from everything that she’s putting in the suitcase and in the boxes.

The shirt she was clutching then was already wrinkled by how tight her hands were holding it.

To heal a wound, JooHyun reminded herself as she shook her head and decided to finally fold the shirt in her hands, you must stop touching it.

But – great, now she was cursing – she was voluntarily pitting herself in hell by doing this. To be the only one flooded by their past burning love as she went through each and every thing that mattered to SeulGi, because ! It mattered to her as well!

It was worse because when JooHyun turned her head at the open closet, she saw the stream of pictures on one side of the closet door – SeulGi’s side of the dresser.

Where pictures of them together hung and pasted to form a small collage in the center of the closet door. JooHyun warily touched some to make sure they were there – that those were real. Because once in their lives, those pictures were – they were real, they happened.

She looked at it one by one as her eyes followed the trail her fingers left. There was one where they were at the beach, SeulGi’s face was closer – her smile as bright as the soaring sun – as she was the one holding the camera and JooHyun at the back happily eating a watermelon. There was a picture of their visit at a palace, and one at the restaurant, one at the ice rink, and one at the park. There were also pictures of JooHyun alone, one is when she still had blonde hair and in a ponytail, clearly a stolen moment because it was only three-fourths of JooHyun’s face that was seen but she was smiling. There was a picture of SeulGi holding a cat, a few of her eating noodles, and one where she holds the spoon near the lens so it’d appear as if she’s feeding the viewer.

JooHyun felt a small tug at the corner of her lips as she went through each picture but she stopped midway when she chanced upon a picture of SeulGi – the one JooHyun took – with a stare so soft and a smile so warm.

A stare so full of love.

One that was never for her anymore.

And that was the only time JooHyun felt the tears that she was trying so hard to keep, to control – the tears she was trying so hard to convince herself that were not there, because she had no rights to cry. She let this happen, and may God damn her, she was only human. She was a human who felt these stupid emotions she long thought were gone and, it all, decid

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Comments

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lokonaba
#1
Chapter 2: damn love the angst
Luvylynn #2
Chapter 2: Lord! Why I love to hurt myself by reading this angst but then I hate you for being so good at playing with my poor heart and somehow I really look forward for you, Authornim to break my heart again with another masterpiece of yours! Arrghh!! What have you done to me Authornim!
un_bearable
#3
Chapter 2: more stories please 😔
Jensoo4everlove #4
Chapter 2: I am crying 😭😭 ugh why is this so heartbreaking!?
hi_uuji
#5
Chapter 2: I didn't know it would hurt this much 😭😭 And now I understand "the one you love is the one who hurt you most"
infp23
#6
Chapter 1: Ouch. Why am i hurting myself by reading angst. Ugh. Okay. On to the next chapter. See ya more tears 🥲
democratits
#7
Chapter 2: Coming from an angst-lover: this was incredibly painful and I cried a little too much, thank you for writing this!!
Blackcoffee01 #8
Chapter 2: Found this too late. But boy, that was great! Read this while listening to Niki's Oceans and Engines, and it hurts more while reading it 😅 kudos!
mmmstory
#9
Chapter 1: I’m bawling my eyes at the office bc I decided to read this in the middle of my break time 🥲
Oct_13_wen_03 36 streak #10
Chapter 2: I feel a bit regret while reread because it's hurt ^^