HONEY, DON'T • lunalalola
lunalalola's request (copy/pasted obvs): CHANKAI. Jongin had never known anything other than Chanyeol. That all changed after he found him cheating with another man while Jongin was carrying their baby and going through a hard pregnancy.
Warning: Open ending
Throwing food into the trashcan after midnight has become such a natural thing to him that he doesn’t even get as upset as he used to before. But it doesn’t stop him from kicking the trashcan afterwards in childish anger or slamming the machine’s door as he puts into plates he hasn’t even used for a quick wash.
He grabs an orange from the fruit bowl and some crackers from the cupboard because despite the anger he feels he’s not foolish enough to go to bed hungry because it would be foolish of him to even attempt starvation in his current situation.
He leaves the kitchen less angry at his husband as the disappointment grows inside him. Because this isn’t the first time he has been let down like this and he knows it’s not going to be the last time – but it still doesn’t stop the disappointment he feels.
He wants to rush through the rooms to their bedroom and jump on their bed, scream into the pillow some and cry tears of frustration. But he isn’t a teenager anymore and the extra weight he has put on and been carrying for the last seven months stops him from acting on his thoughts.
There’s a dull pain that he feels in his lower abdomen that stops him from going further through the house. He takes a moment by the bedroom’s door with his head against it as he tries to breathe in slowly and carefully. Gritting his teeth as a wave of pain rushes through him and leaves him a little more than winded.
The pain comes every now and then and he’s spoken to his doctor who recommends he sees his specialists every week – it’s something he does despite not enjoying the smell of the hospital or how much he’s overly sensitive belly is poked and handled.
He tries not to think of these kinds of thoughts because they always bring the fear that one day he’ll wake up and his baby will not be alive anymore. The faint fluttering and movement inside right after the pain reassure him that everything’s fine and he just needs to calm down.
He slowly moves his weight from the door, pushes it open and steps inside the dark bedroom. He finds the bed on autopilot and sits on it, struggling a bit before he manages to get on it and under the warm covers.
He doesn’t even remember when his disappointment vanishes or when he falls asleep.
He wakes up to the sound of the door clicking shut and his husband’s familiar footsteps moving around the bedroom’s floor. He stays silent under the covers and tries to go back to bed because he doesn’t want to get into any argument or be selfish and demand why his husband couldn’t be home on time.
He doesn’t want to make a fool of himself. He knows if he gets real mad he’ll start saying all the thing he doesn’t feel like sharing with his husbands – thoughts like I feel like you’ve be neglecting me or I don’t feel attractive enough or I’m worried about our baby. Please, tell me she’s going to be O.K.
Telling Chanyeol these things doesn’t come as easy as it used to. So he keeps them to himself. Sometimes he never mentions the dull aches and how uncomfortable he feels being in his own body.
“Baby,” Chanyeol’s voice cuts into his thoughts and his heart skips a bit because it has been so long – too long – since Chanyeol has called him with such emotion, such an apologetic tone and as stupid as it is, it makes his heart swell.
“Baby,” Chanyeol calls again, “I know you’re up. I know when you’re faking it,” He says with a laugh and just how long as it been? Since he has heard the sound of Chanyeol’s soft laughter when he’s trying to be playful?
He shuts his eyes tightly and fights back a smile because this is silly and he doesn’t understand how one word from his husband can make all the disappointment he felt earlier evaporate like it was nothing.
The bed dips beside him, the duvet he threw over his head is brought down gently and Chanyeol’s soft lips are immediately on trailing their way down his jaw before they meet his lips in a soft peck.
Jongin lets himself be rolled onto his back, but keeps his eyes tightly shut and looks away from Chanyeol – it’s still so dark, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to see anything.
“Baby, I’m sorry,” Chanyeol whispers against his ear, “Is that what you want to hear?” He chuckles, “I’m sorry, baby,” His fingers are running through Jongin’s hair and he opens his eyes, “There are those pretty eyes I love so much.”
Jongin melts easily at the words and Chanyeol reaches over him to turn on the tall lamp. The brightness causes him to shut his eyes tightly before opening them and blinking to adjust.
He finds himself staring at Chanyeol who’s looking at him with such open admiration, to the point that it’s almost embarrassing for him even though he’s used to Chanyeol being the kind of man that wears his heart on his sleeve.
“You said you’d try,” Jongin mumbles and Chanyeol nods.
“I tried to get out of that meeting for you,” He nods, “This new promotion is keeping me on my toes and I barely have time for myself.” He continues to play with his hair and Jongin leans more into him.
“I know,” Jongin says, “I don’t like it, though, I really don’t.” Chanyeol’s looking at him strangely and Jongin waves it off because it’s obvious from the dark markings under his eyes that he’s just as exhausted as he is. But Jongin won’t try to compare who is more exhausted between them – voicing it out has only egged on heated fights that have ended with them at opposite ends of the house for a few hours until one of them gives in and nine time out of ten – it’s him.
“I know you don’t,” Chanyeol stops playing with his hair and sits up, pushing himself to rest his back against the headboard and Jongin follows suite, the movement isn’t as easy as it used to be with the extra weight and he’s left panting a little. “But this is a big thing for us. A good thing and it’s important to me.”
He snuggles closer to Chanyeol when the older man throws his arm over his shoulder and kisses his forehead and Jongin hums because it’s not much affection, but it’s enough and he has been craving for Chanyeol’s touch.
“Do you have something better to do?” Jongin clutches his jaw shut when one of the specialists he has come to know well directs the question at Chanyeol who he cannot for the life of him understand why he keeps glancing at his watch and asking when they will be done.
“I had a meeting…” Chanyeol starts and immediately stops when Jongin gives him a look of displeasure. “Carry on,” He mutters a he rubs his hands together and Jongin doesn’t miss how throughout the whole appointment Chanyeol keeps looking at his wristwatch and pulling out his phone as if anticipating a message or a call.
Jongin himself is a little distracted because his focus is on Chanyeol’s behaviour and the earlier texts his husband sent to him and the one that angers him the most when he thinks about it is call my mother.
Jongin makes a face at him more than once before turning his attention to the doctor and makes sure he pays attention to the doctor’s advice on what to do from now on– the pain is what they still can’t figure out, and their daughter is still is on the small side but worst case scenario isn’t all that terrible, but he’s still worried and his visits are still regular.
Jongin pulls down his shirt when the appointment is over and gets down with the help of a nurse that came in to take his blood sample for his monthly check ups earlier.
They leave the doctor’s office in silence and when they get in the car, he explodes throwing the thin booklet the nurse handed to him on his way out at Chanyeol. “What was that, Chanyeol?” He snarls, “At least show you care!”
Chanyeol picks up the booklet in silence and tosses it in the backseat, barely glancing at him.
The car is moving forward and Chanyeol keeps his eyes on the road, completely ignoring his outburst like it’s nothing and Jongin wants to jump off his seat and scream louder, but they are both adults with a baby on the way in a few months.
“I love you, but you’re impossible sometimes,” He spits out, “First you try to get out of the appointment – telling me to call your mother, for god’s sake, Chanyeol! – and then you change your mind and show up late and spend the visit absentminded – you couldn’t be bothered to act interested,” He finishes off in one breathe and inhales, trying to hold his temper when he starts to feel the dull ache in lower abdomen.
“Baby,” He sounds condescending and Jongin hates everything about his tone, “Quit freaking out. Our little girl is fine and so are you,” He says easily and Jongin wonders if he has even forgotten the nights he spent holding his hand during his time overnighting in the hospital or the time when he was rubbing his back as he threw up what little he ate because the pregnancy was such a nightmare during the first few months.
“I’m not freaking out.” And there’s a lump in his throat, he doesn’t and will not cry in the car with Chanyeol behaving like some stranger.
“I had to pull a lot of strings to get out of that meeting for this appointment only to be told the baby is just fine.” Chanyeol says lightly and Jongin fights back the lump growing in his throat.
“Last time didn’t go so well, Chanyeol,” He looks through the window and folds his arms over his chest. Hurt and frustrated at how lightly Chanyeol is taking the whole situation.
He was more invested in Jongin’s pregnancy before the promotion – this promotion makes a better income, better opportunities, but also means that Chanyeol isn’t home very often and when he is he’s always tired and full of excuses.
“Worst case scenario isn’t that bad,” Chanyeol turns sharply into the highway and Jongin stares at him like he doesn’t even know who this man is – the man he has spent so many years with, his first everything and Jongin doesn’t see himself loving anyone else as much. “She will be perfect. You’re just being pregnant and silly.” And Chanyeol just had to get the last word in – like every other argument.
Tears burn at the back of his eyes and he blinks rapidly to keep them from falling because Chanyeol these days has a habit of making backhanded comments that know where to hit to make it hurt.
They say nothing more to each other the rest of the ride home and Jongin is glad because he knows he’ll cry like a fool if he even attempts to speak to Chanyeol.
It’s the hormones, he wants to blame the hormones, but he doesn’t because he knows it’s way more than that. He’s insecure because he doesn’t think Chanyeol loves him the same anymore. Chanyeol doesn’t look at him like he’s the sun anymore and he’s all too aware of that these days.
“Don’t wait up.” Chanyeol says as the car pulls into the driveway and continues to explain himself, “I have to make up for missing today’s meeting.” Jongin nods without looking at him as he unbuckles his seatbelt and pushes the car door open with more force than needed and slams it with all his might and even winces at the unforgiving sound himself.
“My son loves you very much,” His mother in-law assures him, “You’re being pregnant and silly.” And whatever nice and sweet words she said earlier is ruined by her last sentence and Jongin holds in his exasperation because she has always been nice to him and has treated him like her own son.
“It’s just a feeling,” He shrugs when he has got a hold of his emotions.
“That kind of feeling is always such poison. Trust him, hm?” She says on the other line and Jongin suddenly feels tired because of course she’s not going to listen to him because he’s just being pregnant and silly – he’s starting to hate everything about that phrase Chanyeol and his mother have adopted. “I’ll talk to him–”
“Don’t!” Jongin exclaims and flushes, “He’ll get upset that I came to you first. Let me be the one to talk to him.” He says in a rush.
“Good boy,” She laughs and then they talk about nothing before they bid their farewells and promises to call later.
It comes from nowhere – the feeling that he needs to pick up Chanyeol’s phone that’s laying on the pillow beside him. It’s a feeling that doesn’t leave him alone and it makes him feel like when he picks up the phone because he’s never tried to pry into Chanyeol’s privacy and vice versa.
But he picks up the phone and the code isn’t at all too hard; it’s a date. The date is the first time they ever went out all those years ago – it makes him smile as he stares at the many applications on the phone when it unlocks.
Chanyeol’s in the bathroom, he can walk out any second and Jongin has a feeling he’ll be upset if he finds him snooping around, but Jongin’s bored and he doesn’t think Chanyeol has anything to hide from him unless it’s a special surprise.
Chanyeol may be acting strange and impatient with him, but he knows Chanyeol still loves him. Why else would he be coming back to him? Sleeping beside him every night, no matter how late in the night it is? He has no reason to doubt the man he has vowed to spend the rest of his life with – no reason to doubt the man he’s going to raise their daughter with once she’s here.
Jongin decides to take a photo of himself, he clicks the camera icon and holds the phone away from him. He clicks a few times, amused because he’s positive Chanyeol will love seeing pictures of him – he has mentioned it plenty in the past.
When the shower sound of the running shower dies Jongin brings the phone down and starts sliding past the pictures he took a few seconds ago and deleting others because his belly is huge and he thinks it’s irrational he sometimes hates how he looks now.
He continues sliding and soon he’s on the pictures he hasn’t taken of himself. It’s pictures of Chanyeol smiling, wide and open, at the camera and the more Jongin continues swiping through them – his stomach drops when it’s a picture of a man lying in bed and it looks like a hotel.
His finger pauses and he’s not sure if he wants to continue and find out. He has always trusted his gut and so he swipes and there are more pictures of the sleeping man and what follows after is a video.
He presses play and at first it’s out of focus and the camera is shaky and held upside down before whoever is holding it corrects the angle.
Chanyeol starts humming in the bathroom and Jongin thinks of pausing the video and putting the phone back where he got it from, but curiosity has gotten the better of him and he doesn’t have the power to stop himself. He wants to know what’s going on.
The camera is now focusing on the person lying in bed and gets closer and for a moment he thinks no one will talk – he’s wrong because it’s Chanyeol’s voice that comes from the phone’s speakers.
“Baby, wake up and look at the camera.” Jongin’s stomach drops and his hands shake so hard he almost drops the phone onto his lap. This isn’t possible because he doesn’t remember going to a hotel with Chanyeol in recent memory. Who is the person in bed?
Is Chanyeol – Is his Chanyeol cheating on – no. It’s not possible and there’s a bile growing in his throat when the stranger in bed turns and blinks sleepily at the camera – and the stranger in bed is so beautiful it hurts – like he has had such a good night’s sleep – seductively says, “Chanyeol, I look terrible.”
“You’re gorgeous– I love you–”
It’s then he pauses the video and quickly, against his better judge, clicks on the message application and the first name that appears isn’t one he has heard coming from Chanyeol’s mouth.
He doesn’t hesitate when he clicks to view the messages and after reading the first few – he wishes to threw up as tears well up in his eyes. He was hoping the video was a figment of his imagination because his night wasn’t great and he barely slept.
The cliché messages of I’ll leave him for you and I love you more than I love him are what his brain registers as he goes through the texts with trembling hands and when Jongin turns – he throws up beside his bed and it burns his throat and the smell of his stomach’s contents make his head swim.
He tosses the phone carelessly on Chanyeol’s side of the bed and struggles to get off the bed with his massive belly that makes everything harder and even thinking of what he’s just found out – he feels like dying, like his life until this point has been meaningless.
“Baby?” Chanyeol’s panicked voice breaks in and the worry in it has Jongin feeling disgusted and even more sick.
Jongin moves away from the bed and tries to make an exit – it get away from all this, but his legs are weak and he can’t trust them to get him very far so he remains standing in the centre of the bedroom – staring, yet unstaring, at Chanyeol standing before him looking all sorts of concerned.
“H–how long?” It’s all he can ask because it’s all he needs to know. There’s no explaining the content text of the video he has just seen or the many pictures he knows are in that phone. He won’t sit still for an explanation, not when his whole world has crumble to pieces in mere seconds.
“What?” Chanyeol sounds bewildered.
Jongin can feels his blood boiling, “How long have you been planning to leave us?” He spites out and he knows he looks ridiculous trying to look angry because there’s nothing threatening about a pregnant person.
“What…?” But there’s registration on his face, he’s too slow to hide it and Jongin wonders why he hasn’t seen this sooner. He has been too caught up with trying to get the pregnancy to go smoothly – it hasn’t been smooth at all – too caught up that he didn’t even know the man he has been living with for years isn’t faithful.
“All those late nights? The important meetings? Lying to me?” He asks and he’s surprised he doesn’t falter, “Lying to me?”
“I wasn’t –,” Chanyeol sounds wounded, obviously trying to choose his words correctly and that fact that he hasn’t even denied it yet – he wants him to deny it, tell him he’s wrong – it’s slowly killing him. “I wasn’t lying.” Chanyeol finally says.
“How long?” The question tastes like sandpaper on his tongue and before he knows it, there are tears rolling down his cheeks and he never attempts to brush them away.
“Seven months,” And he looks ashamed.
“I’m pregnant and it has not been easy and all these time you’ve been – I don’t understand–” His own sobs cut him off abruptly and he recoils when he feels Chanyeol’s hand of his arm. “Don’t ing touch me!” But he’s not quick enough to move away from him and Chanyeol’s arms are tightly wrapped around him and Jongin fights to get him off, but he’s quickly winded these days and his strength is almost non-existent.
“I’m sorry, Jongin.” Chanyeol whispers to him and he’s desperate, but Jongin doesn’t want to listen to him. He’s disgusted by Chanyeol’s touch, so repulsed that if he hasn’t thrown up earlier – the bitter after taste is still strong on his tongue – he’d throw up on him. “I wasn’t thinking – I wasn’t thinking,” Jongin has nothing to say to him because all he can think of are the texts and the video and just how happy Chanyeol sounded flirting with someone who wasn’t him. “I love you, I love you and the baby – I wasn’t thinking.”
But Jongin’s not listening because his whole world is in pieces and the one person he has always trusted to take care of him is the main source for his heartache.
orz good night y'all