Dear Kibum,

I really don’t know how to say it so I’m about writing it instead. This is the last I’ll want to say to you until I say goodbye.

Kibum, Key, I loved this name since the first day I heard it when SHINee was announced to me. As we started eight years ago with our band we meet for the first time. I really was shy with all of you and when I look at me today I’m a different man. It was new to me working for my dream with some others. I enjoyed the first day of meeting all of you but especially you, Kibum. It was literally the best day of my life. I remember how we met in the conference room in SMTown building. We sit at the big table with our managers and waited. Some were missing. Taemin and Minho seated next to me. They talked like they know each other well. Jinki was on my other side. He didn’t say a word. Then the door opened and a strong individual self-knowing person entered the room. Everybody went in silence when they saw you. I was stunned of your style, your look, your appearance. You seated next to Jinki. At this moment my heart was hurt for the first time. I wanted you to sit next to me. But at this point it was impossible. Our meeting started with a presentation of every new member. Jinki, as the oldest, started with presenting himself. He was strong and determined. Jinki introduced himself as Onew as his band name. I didn’t talk to him about this meaning until today. I wonder what it means. The next who introduced himself was Minho. He was a sportive and charming person. He really had a special charisma. He also is a good rapper. I never thought of rapping. Maybe I should have tried it one time in my life. After Minho, Taemin was presenting himself. He was adorable. His character was still developing but he knew his goals. He worked hard for his dream. He reached it with releasing his own music album. Then I presented. I was nervous as hell. Inside of me I died as I should say something about my private life. I really didn’t want to say something. It was a hard to hide it all. All you ask now? That I’m gay and I fallen in love with some boys that I didn’t knew, that I couldn’t control myself when I’m angry, that I’m about falling in love with a band member? No I couldn’t risk my dream for my life that I want to life. So I lied to all of you. As least you presented yourself. I listened to you like I done never before. I can remember every word you said. Even as you made a slip of your tongue. As you talked about your family, you grow up at your grandma’s home and that she’s the most important person in your life.

But the thing of all isn’t the beginning of SHINee. It was the development of it. As we grow together over the years I got feelings for you. I had fallen in love with you. Each training I was concentrating on my and yours. I ever tried to be there for you. I don’t know if you recognized it or if it was just normal for you over the years. Even if it was, I don’t mind. It was one of the ways to show you my love. But next to this I really enjoyed living with you in the dorm. And since the last three years I miss you. I miss the nagging Key mother who was standing in the kitchen and hold a talk. I miss the moments when I entered your room and you were undressing and didn’t wear a shirt. You were embarrassed because you don’t like your body and you never wanted to show it. But did you ever look inside a mirror? I hope for you, because than you would see a slim, but muscular body. I promise everyone would say yes to have this body. But I didn’t mind. I even remember who we had our first concert tour in Japan. He shared a room in the hotel. It was the night after the concert. You left the bathroom with just a towel around your hip. I was holding back to don’t pull on the knot at the top. But as I stand in front of you I could have saw a little bulge down there. So at this point I was unsure. Until then I where thinking you were straight. But this moment made it hard to differentiate. You started to talk more with me. We started to get close to each other. We even hold hands. I never asked for the meaning behind it. And even if it wasn’t love for you, I don’t mind.

So I could list more. I could describe your beautiful blue eyes and your fluffy hair. Your exceptional style and the way you behave. This all is the reason for loving you. And there is nothing I could mind.

In love – forever

Jonghyun~