When Hanna was eight, her parents sat her and her twin sister down on the living room couch after dinner and said they wanted to tell them something important and the two girls just looked attentively up to their parents to listen. Despite their young age, they knew that couch family meeting meant they had pay attention. They started by telling them how they had this grandmother who lives really far away and that’s why they have never seen her. Their grandmother wanted to meet them, they explained and asked them if they wished to meet her too. Her sister Maya, being the ever-over-hyper cheerful child, she’s always been, started bouncing up and down excitedly over the idea. While Hanna, being her quiet too mature for her age self, just nodded quietly waiting to see where this talk was going. This satisfied their parents enough to continue explaining how their grandmother lived by herself and was very lonely and sad because she was away from her family. Maya looked on the verge of tears when she heard this, Hanna just took her hand and held it in hers tightly to comfort her sad sister who was saying they should bring grandmother here to live with them and that she’ll give up her bed and just sleep with Hanna, she looked proud of herself for solving the problem and helping her grandmother. Her parents looked fondly and proudly at their kind daughter but explained to her that wasn’t possible because their grandmother had work, very important work where she lived and couldn’t leave but she wanted to have one or both of the twins live with her for a while, may be stay over the summer break with her or may be longer if they really liked it there or shorter if they didn’t. It sounded like a good plan, Hanna believed as much but she also knew better than to believe this to the whole truth. She probably would’ve if she didn’t know any better; Maya certainly did and made her dislike to this plan very clear with heavy tears and loud screams at the thought of being away from her parents. But Hanna knew, she knew more about this than her parents could ever imagine. For instance, she knew her parents hated her grandmother with deep passion and the feeling was most likely mutual. She knew her mother believed her own mother was the devil’s incarnate; her mother’s words not hers. She also knew for a fact that this whole charade was just a cover up story to hide that they needed money, lots of it, and her grandmother offered to pay their debts and to take on one or both the twin to lessen their load and meet her granddaughters and potential heirs. But Hanna knew, aside from all of this, that her parents didn’t want to this but needed to, that they couldn’t imagine how it would be without the sound of their laughter coursing through the house, that they knew Maya was too dependent on them to say yes to any of this so they didn’t need to worry about that, again their words not hers. Words she overheard late last night by accident when she was coming down to get her sister some water. Knowing all of this, she realized the only reason they’re still having this conversation despite knowing Maya won’t agree meant they thought she would and by the expectant look in their eyes they wanted her to say yes to all of this. Last but not least, she knew they desperately needed her to do this. As always, she did what was expected of her as the elder sister who needed to protect her sister and make her parents happy and proud. She said yes, and in that moment, she believed she did the right thing for everyone because that was the brightest, she’s made her parents smile; It was brighter than when she ranked first in her school or when she helped around the house or Maya with her homework. She felt good and when they asked if she was sure she smiled just as brightly and told them she thinks it will be fun, in return they promised that it would indeed be fun, that she can change her mind any time and comeback whenever she wanted and that they will talk everyday on the phone and write letters and postcards if she liked that. Maya didn’t seem fond of her sister being away but was swayed at the mention of all the gifts and sweets her sister will get her. She was packed and ready to go in the span of two short weeks, just in time for the beginning summer break. At the airport, her parents sat her down before her flight and told her to have fun but asked her to promise them to be the good and polite girl she always is and never cause trouble, to listen well to her grandmother no matter what. She promised to good and respectful and polite like they taught her and after a few tight hugs and teary embraces, she was on her way across the world. Everything was different and strange in the eyes of the eight-year old, there was a lot changes to get used to; from the size of the house to the helped that worked to serve them to the rules her grandmother told her to the people who came to teach her how to act or smile or speak or eat or walk. To put it simply, it was a lot. But she tried her best and took everything in a stride because that’s what her parents would want her to do. All of these changes and new rules weren’t what troubled her; her parents were. She called them because she had a lot to say, they called her because they were obliged to. She wrote to them because she wanted to, they wrote to her because they were supposed to. She wrote to them like she wrote diary, they wrote to her like they were writing homework. She thought maybe they needed a school break, they decided it was time for graduation. And that was that.

« Always be in control! And when you’re not, nobody needs to know it” Grandmother always said; not very grandmotherly thing to say one might think, but that’s just because they haven’t met Hanna’s.

The first time she told her this, she was ten and she laughed hard enough to cry; maybe the crying had to do with the pain and shock from the accident she just had but Hanna still finds herself laughing at the memory of those words, It’s a ridiculous first thing to tell her granddaughter who had barely just escaped death, who was still shaking, bleeding and crying, to tell her to be in control and to wipe her tears and blood from her face before anyone saw. The memory is too blurry for her to know if she really did as she was asked or not considering the concussion, the dislocated shoulder, the bleeding head, the broken ankle and the shock of it all.

it may be hard to believe but her grandmother lived up to her words until her last breath. When she passed, she made everyone in the room believe that she’s the one who chose to leave in that moment, that she chose the embrace the angel of death instead of her getting caught by its claws

So here she was today trying to follow those words by pretending to have everything under control when she had no power or choice what so ever in what’s happening at this moment. Here she was getting hugged by her parents after getting off the plane nine years too late. She just returned the hug because that would mean she was happy to be here in their embrace, when they smiled and asked about the flight while taking her luggage, she smiled back and replied with pleasantries about how it was such a long flight and how good it is to feel the ground under her feet. They chuckle and keep up the light talk even in the car, she smiles and humor them with their small empty talk while praying for the drive not to be too long.

Thankfully, the drive doesn’t take too long, and she realizes it’s not the same house from her early childhood memories, it’s bigger and nicer; Of course, not her grandmother’s house level of big and nice but it’s quite an upgrade for them. she gets a house tour, makes sure to throw a complement here and a light joke there until they reach the room that’s supposed to be hers. All she could think about is ‘that a whole lot of pink and fluffy toys’ but that’s for her to think and for them to never know so she just thanks them with a smile on her face.

They tell her she can wash up and get some rest until the school is out and they will have a proper welcome home dinner with the whole family.

Once the door closes behind them, she falls on the bed, drained and with a jaw that hurts from all the polite smiling. She takes a deep breath then gets up to wash up, then she takes her dog ‘Casper’ out of his pet bag and takes him with her to the bed and falls asleep with his warmth keeping her safe.