Trigger Warning: HEAVY angst and character injury (!) PLEASE proceed with caution. You might want to read this at a better time.

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“Lu… back then, you told me to hold on. You told me to be selfish. How sure are you that it’s the right thing to do?”

Luhan snatched the can of beer from Chanyeol’s trembling hands and emptied the remaining contents down this throat. He did not reply for a few moments, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. Luhan listened to Chanyeol’s soft sniffles while he stared up at the inky sky above them, glittering with little pinpricks of starlight. Thirty minutes ago, he had brought the distraught male to the rooftop, claiming that the cool night air would help to clear Chanyeol’s mind. Apparently, it was a place that Luhan often escaped to when he needed a brief respite from his own thoughts, and he could only hope that his little hideout would provide his friend with some form of solace.

“There is no right or wrong in love,” Luhan finally commented, tossing the empty can over his shoulder. “I told you to think over my words and to make your own judgement call, didn’t I? Have you come to a reasonable conclusion?”

Chanyeol reached out for another beer, only to have his hand painfully swatted away by a frowning Luhan. “I used to be really selfish in love. I pursued him relentlessly, and I didn’t care if he rejected me. I just really, really wanted to be able to call him mine. He was… he was so special to me,” Chanyeol smiled wistfully, fingers tracing the ring hung around his neck. “He was the first person I loved so intensely and deeply. But I messed up big time and I hurt him really badly. And so I think to myself—how can I continue being selfish? How can I wish to hold on to him when I know that he will be so much happier without someone like me? I honestly don’t know what to do right now, Luhan.”

“Did he tell you that he would be happier without you?”

Chanyeol blinked in surprise at the question. “I… no, he has never said that. But it doesn’t matter, does it? I know he will be happier without me. I’m pretty sure he hates me for almost destroying his life,” Chanyeol chuckled bitterly, squeezing his eyes shut to will away the unwelcome memories.

“You can’t conclude things like this on your own. Have you ever thought about speaking to him? You said you saw him in Busan the other day, right? Why don’t you track him down and have a conversation with him?”

“No!” Chanyeol shouted in agitation, making Luhan jump. “That’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want him to be reminded of the pain that I inflicted on him back then. He has already moved on, Lu. He already has someone else by his side. If I reappear in his life, it will only complicate things. I don’t want that.”

To Chanyeol’s surprise, Luhan began to laugh, as if he had just heard a really funny joke. Chanyeol resisted the urge to sigh loudly, too used to the older male’s random outbursts to feel offended. When Luhan’s laughter finally subsided, he placed both of his hands on Chanyeol’s shoulders and stared at him squarely in the eye.

“You are a walking contradiction, Yeol. You say that you don’t want to be selfish, that you don’t want to reappear in his life anymore, but y’know, you wouldn’t be asking me for advice if you’re already convinced that letting go is the right thing to do. The truth is, you want to hold on, don’t you? That is why you are so conflicted,” Luhan shook his head in amusement. “To hold on or to let go—you already have the answer.”

Chanyeol watched wordlessly as Luhan stood up to walk away.To hold on or to let go—had he really found his answer?

--

Chanyeol remained on the rooftop until the sun rose over the horizon, basking in the peaceful night breeze with nothing but his own thoughts. He stared longingly at the sky, laughing to himself when he realized that he could in fact identify the stars and constellations that decorated the inky expanse above him. Byun Baekhyun, the astronomy nerd, had taken it upon himself on more than one occasion to educate Chanyeol about stars and planetary systems, and the enamored male had lapped it up all too easily, drawn to the passion and gusto that poured forth from Baekhyun’s lips.

He remembered asking Baekhyun why he was so in love with the night sky, and Baekhyun had told him that he didn’t know either.

“I just love anything and everything that has to do with the stars. Stargazing brings me so much happiness and peace. I enjoy thinking that we came from the stars, that we are all part of this mysterious cosmic tapestry which binds us together. It’s a romantic notion, is it not?”

“So what do you love more? The stars or me?” Chanyeol had said teasingly, enjoying the cute frown that knitted Baekhyun’s brows together.

“What sort of question is that?” He recalled Baekhyun’s small huff of annoyance, and he remembered pinching Baekhyun’s cheek affectionately, not expecting his lover to give him a reply. However, when Baekhyun finally responded, Chanyeol felt his heart soar to the skies. 

“I love you, Park Chanyeol. I love you more than anything.”

“Forever?”

“Forever.”

--

“One vanilla latte for B.B.H?”

Baekhyun looked up from typing on his phone and strode towards the drink collection counter, eager to get his daily dose of morning coffee. He let out a small hum of delight as the sweet scent reached his nostrils, enjoying the comforting warmth of the paper cup on his fingers. The weather was turning chilly these days, and a warm cup of coffee was the perfect way to start off his day on a good note.

“I’m sorry, I think you picked up the wrong cup. This one has my initials on it.”

Baekhyun was startled by the sudden tap on his back and he turned around reflexively, ready to apologize for the mix-up. He took a quick glance at the cup and reddened to realize that he had indeed picked up the wrong drink.

“D.O?” he repeated aloud, looking from the initials on the cup to the owl-eyed male standing in front of him. “Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun said in surprise, his eyes widening in recognition.

Do Kyungsoo, Kim Kai’s bodyguard was staring back at him with an equally surprised and curious expression, his lips quirked up in a friendly greeting. “Hello, Mr Byun. I didn’t expect to bump into you here.”

“Call me Baekhyun,” he responded with a sincere smile, trying to wrap his mind around how unexpected this encounter was. Of all places, and of all people, Baekhyun had never imagined that he would bump into someone from a past that he had worked so hard to forget. But perhaps what was most startling was the fact that Kyungsoo was not dressed in his usual black suit and tie, looking relaxed and youthful in a simple white sweater and dark jeans.

Baekhyun scanned the café for Kai, feeling profoundly confused when he realized that he was nowhere in sight. He regarded Kyungsoo with a small frown and cocked his head to the side. “You… you’re not working for Kai anymore?”

“No,” he said simply. “I quit.”

Baekhyun’s jaw went slack, and he almost dropped the cup of coffee in his hand. “Why? When did you quit?” Baekhyun gaped at him in disbelief, unable to understand the news that he was hearing. Baekhyun had always known, could always tell that the two of them had feelings for each other, so why on earth would he even think of leaving Kai?

In fact, Baekhyun couldn’t help but wonder—how can Kai even function without Kyungsoo?

Kyungsoo looked awkward all of a sudden. “Why don’t we take a seat over there and talk?” he said, pointing to the unoccupied table by the windows.

Baekhyun gladly acquiesced, feeling the burning curiosity within him multiply by the second. Once they were nicely settled down at their table, Kyungsoo pushed his plate of blueberry muffin towards Baekhyun, which he rejected with a polite shake of his head.

“Four months ago, he proposed to me.”

Baekhyun almost choked on his first sip of coffee. “Proposed as in… he asked you to marry him?”

“Yeah.”

“So you decided to run away?” Baekhyun shrieked, almost bouncing on the edge of his seat.  

“I said yes,” Kyungsoo replied shyly, and it was then that Baekhyun noticed the beautiful silver ring on Kyungsoo’s finger.

“Oh,” Baekhyun mumbled softly. “Oh,” he said a second time, the information slowly sinking in. “Oh!” he exclaimed for a third time, his voice a mixture of joy and surprise. “Congratulations! I knew something like this would happen one day—the two of you were so obliviously in love.”

“Scandalous, isn’t it? A bodyguard-turned-lover… who would have expected that,” Kyungsoo laughed dryly. “I always tried my best to suppress my feelings, all in the name of remaining professional, but in the end I couldn’t help but succumb to my heart.”

“There’s nothing wrong about that. Isn’t that what love is like? Love is irrationality and impulse. Love is raw addiction. The heart always wants what it wants,” Baekhyun chuckled, wondering what the sudden wistful pang in his heart was.  

“What about you, then? Does your heart know what it wants?” Kyungsoo asked, leaning forwards to regard Baekhyun with an unreadable gaze. “Are you still with Oh Sehun?”

Baekhyun looked taken aback by the sudden, intrusive question. He forced a small chuckle, hoping to diffuse the awkward tension that he was feeling. “I… I don’t know what to call the relationship we have between us.”

Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow at Baekhyun without saying a word, as if encouraging him to continue speaking. Baekhyun kept his lips pursed tightly, deliberating about whether he should confide in Kyungsoo. Technically, they barely knew each other, have never spoken more than a few lines of polite pleasantries whenever they met, but somehow Baekhyun felt safe and comfortable in his presence. Baekhyun felt like he would be able to say anything without any fear of judgment or backlash.

In fact, Baekhyun had a feeling that Kyungsoo would be the best person to go to for life advice.

Clearing his throat unsurely, Baekhyun eventually caved in. “I’m… confused about what I feel for him. He has been my best friend since I was a kid. Of course I love him—I love him more than anything! But I don’t know how to classify or define my feelings for him. He deserves so much more, you know?” Baekhyun sighed softly, staring at his lap. “Sehun loves me. A lot. And I don’t know how to reciprocate his feelings. I don’t want to let him down. Not when he has been nothing but loving and supportive.”

“So… you’re confused about whether you are genuinely in love with Sehun. You don’t know if you love him more than a best friend,” Kyungsoo said in a matter-of-fact tone. “There’s a simple way to figure it out. Why don’t you compare your feelings for Sehun with the feelings that you had when you were with Chanyeol?”

At the mention of Chanyeol’s name, Baekhyun quietened, face turning deathly pale. The sorrow in his eyes was painfully palpable, and Baekhyun felt his entire mind go blank.

Chanyeol.

He shut his eyes tightly, trying to fight the memories from resurfacing. Drawing in sharp and shallow breaths, he clenched his fists under the table and chanted a mantra in his mind.

Forget forget forget. Suppress suppress suppress. Forget forget forg—

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo’s deep, apologetic voice interrupted his train of thought. “I am not someone with a lot of tact. I usually just say whatever comes to my mind. I apologize if I said something that you didn’t want to hear. It was extremely careless of me.” Kyungsoo said, looking immensely guilty for having triggered the bad memories that Baekhyun had tried to keep suppressed.

“It’s okay,” Baekhyun forced a weak smile. “I have long since gotten over him. I’m okay now.”

Yes, Baekhyun had been convinced that he had already moved on from Chanyeol. He was so sure of it. But why did the mere mention of Chanyeol’s name make his heart clench so painfully? Why did he suddenly feel as if he was suffocating from the unbearable pressure in his chest?

What on earth was this awful emotion that he was feeling?

“That is nice to hear. I’m sure he would be happy to know that you have healed and moved on.”

“How… how is he?”

Baekhyun knew that he shouldn’t be asking, that it’s really none of his business, but he couldn’t help but feel curious about Chanyeol, now that Pandora’s box had been opened. He wondered how Chanyeol was doing. He wondered if Chanyeol was living happily.

And more importantly, he wondered if Chanyeol had managed to move on as well.

After all, he knew that he was not the only one hurting from events of the past.

There is a tense, pensive silence before Kyungsoo stared at him in the eye and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Baekhyun eyes widened ever so slightly. “How can you not know? I mean, Chanyeol and Kai are best friends, right?”

“None of us has any idea where Park Chanyeol is or what he is doing now. He told Kai one day that he was going away, and that’s all he said before he left. No one has been able to get in contact with him since then.”

“What?” Baekhyun let out a sharp gasp, feeling a heavy sense of unease settle in the pit of his stomach. “When did he leave?”

“He left the day after he met you. He’s been uncontactable since then. It’s like he evaporated off the face of the earth.”

He left the day after they met… The last time they met was when Chanyeol passed him the letter.

Baekhyun was unable to stop his hands from shaking. He didn’t know what he was feeling right now, but it was an unwelcome emotion. It was an emotion that he swore that he wouldn’t experience again.

So much confusion. So, so much confusion.

Baekhyun was so dizzy from the different thoughts swimming in his mind, he felt like he was going to barf. Worry flooded his entire psyche and his heart pounded so loudly and violently, he wondered if Kyungsoo could hear it from across the table. He recalled how Park Hyunwoong had described his son as a living zombie, the terrible state that Chanyeol had looked like the last time they met, and his blood