“What do you think?” I ask.

“I think it looks…different,” Jongin answers as he brings the bottle of beer close to his mouth while he stands across the paint splatted wall, “But I can tell your feelings just by looking at it,” He chugs on his beer and I look at him.

Jongin has always been very good at observing. He knows when someone is feeling something. He can read people’s emotions and he can read a woman’s feeling well. He did grow up with two sisters and he uses that to his advantage. Jongin has never been wrong about how I’ve felt. This isn’t any different. I am sad.

At times like this, when I don’t even know what to think, Jongin is good company—well, he always is. I’m not surprised he didn’t think twice of going to dinner after I offered since Sehun was another no-show tonight and Jongin and Baekhyun’s meeting were just around the area. Baekhyun and Jongin didn’t waste the food and probably finished everything I served. Baekhyun had to go home right after though because Soomin was already looking for him.

“Are you and Sehun are going through a rough patch or something?” He asks and I just sit on the floor and stare across the wall. Jongin doesn’t say anything and just sits next to me and we both adore the black and dark blue paint splats on my wall. I’m probably going to repaint it white when something happy hits me. I don’t want to keep a sad wall around. For now, I want to keep it like this.

“Ah. Silence. I hate this ,” He mutters and I chuckle at him. Jongin nudges me and I look at him. His eyes are looking intently at me, “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything,”

I tear my gaze away from him and look at the wall again, “I honestly don’t know what’s wrong but I do believe it has something to do with me,” I say as I grab my bottle of beer and chug on it. Jongin doesn’t respond and we both grow quiet. When I find it unusual, I look at him and he’s frowning at me, “What?”

This time he looks away and shakes his head, “I hate that you’re sad like this. If I didn’t respect your marriage so much I would’ve swung a punch at him right now,” There’s a bit of frustration in his voice, a small restraint, his jaw clenched and his fists balled.

“Don’t worry, Jongin. I’ve had my shortcomings, too. If you punch him, you need to swing some my way, too.” I tell him and he scowls at me. I chuckle at him, “Stop that. I’m saying the truth.”

Jongin sighs and looks at the wall again. We’re silent. We don’t speak. We just stare at the wall. I know he respects the fact that this is how I deal with my pain. I’m happy he doesn’t pry the truth out and doesn’t shoot me questions I don’t want to answer. He knows me well enough to know when to ask and which questions to ask.

“I get it now.” He suddenly says.

“Get what?”

“This,” He nods his head towards the wall, “The wall is your head. The splats are your thoughts; they’re all over the place, they’re consuming you, they’re all you think about and they’re not very bright thoughts,” I look at him and Jongin just continues to stare at the painting. He lets out a breath, “Tell me I’m wrong,”

“I don’t think you are,”

“Dammit,” He curses under his breath and then scowls at it, “You know I’m no husband but I’m pretty damn sure if my wife has going on in her head it should be my job to ing clean it. What the is Sehun doing exactly?” Jongin asks with a pang of frustration in his voice.

I don’t tell him Sehun isn’t exactly helping me clean my head and if anything, he has added more worries in it, more doubts. But I know it’s unintentional and Sehun only has good intentions but the way he does it puts him in a bad place. He’s a good man. I know he doesn’t mean this. He wouldn’t put me through something like this intentionally.

“We’ll work it out, Jongin. It’s Sehun and I, we always work things out.” I say, partly because it’s true and partly because I know Jongin would love to hear something like that right now to ease his frustration.

“Yeah you two better work this out. And he better be making this his priority. I didn’t help him find you again just so he can break your heart,”

His words don’t go unappreciated. The way Jongin talks to me lets me know he cares. I know sometimes he cares about me more than a friend should and sometimes he tends to hate Sehun when I’m beat down and he always manages to think that I’m always hurting more than Sehun, but I know Jongin loves and cares for Sehun as well, too. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t help Sehun find me and we would have never ended up together.

“I don’t want to sound like an , but if Sehun isn’t helping you then help yourself. Go somewhere you can clean your head otherwise that’ll stop functioning properly and so will your heart,” He tells me as he downs on his bottle of beer. I lie on the floor and look at the ceiling, “Do it before you forget the things you think you knew about love, Hae,”

What do I know about love? I know love from head to toe. Love still has the same effect on me; one touch equals a billion fireworks, this time even more colorful. I don’t just know his name; I own it now. I find him now everyday in a place I expect him to be—next to me. Every waking morning he’s on my side and no one else. I know his favorite food because I’m the only one who can cook it. I know how he wants his coffee because I’m the only one who can make him a cup. I know he takes a thirty-minute shower. I know he takes long washing his hair more than his entire body. I know what he smells before and after bath. Love still wears different suits and he still looks good in them but I think love looks more beautiful when he’s wearing denim pants and a sweater. Love is lovelier when he’s relaxed, when he’s not working, when he’s in bed, with me all day. I see him smile a lot now. It’s an absolute privilege to get to see it first thing in the morning and I feel even more honored when I know I’m the reason behind it. Love whom I thought was as hard as a rock is actually softer than a feather. Love is always kind and genuine and sometimes he does things for someone else’s sake and other times he’d play hero. Don’t get me wrong; I’m proud of love when he thinks of others. I’m proud of his kind and good heart. Love just wants to do the right thing. But sometimes I wish Love knew that even though he’s the same Love, that makes my heart flutter, he could also hurt them. And he hurt mine.

When I wake up, I have a jacket over me, and a note on a paper with painted words on it.

I didn’t want to wake you up. Thanks for dinner. I hope you feel better soon. -J

I look at the wall and think of what Jongin had told me—my head is the wall and the splats are my thoughts. There’s got to be a way for my head to clear again.

It’s full of nothing but words we’ve said, things we’ve done, broken promises and doubts. I know I was lacking as a wife, I wanted to change that, I gave up a part of me to be whole for him, I try not to break each time I feel like I’m failing as a wife but it’s so damn hard. It’s hard because I see it in his eyes; the disappointment. I see that he tries not to be, but I know that he is very disappointed. It’s hard because I’m not sure if picking up where we left off before we were drowned in work is such a good idea. It’s hard because I don’t know if I’m keeping him happy. It’s been hard and it’s even harder now because he can run to a pregnant woman’s doctor’s appointment but can’t be around for dinner when he promised to be. It’s harder because I can feel myself fall far from the list. I’m his wife. I’m supposed to be first. He should run to me first. He should be here for me first. Byul shouldn’t be reminding my husband what time of the day it is. Byul shouldn’t be one to get him to drive her to places. She’s not the wife, I am.

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter