The first time he finally understands, Chan trips over his own feet during dance practice. He lays down, back to the cold wooden floor of the dance studio. Beads of perspiration dots his forehead and eyebrows and his breaths are coming in short, heavy pants. His heart is pounding loudly in his chest, threatening to break his ribs, but not because of the intensity of the dance but rather by the enormity of his realisation.

He likes Soonyoung.

It’s so simple really, yet the implications are terrifying. How could he like someone from his own group? How will he ever act the same around Soonyoung again?

“Chanie? Chan?”

It takes a while for Chan to snap out of his daze and notice all the members looking down at him, a worried expression evident on their faces.

“You okay?” Jeonghan asks.

“Uh…umm,” he replies eloquently.

“You think he hit his head when he fell?” Jisoo worriedly inquires the rest of the members.

Chan looks around, eyes wide, and he zeroes in on Soonyoung’s eyes looking straight at him. All of a sudden, his mind short circuits and his face heats up, because Soonyoung’s looking at him and since when did his eyes look this nice? Scrambling to his feet, Chan does the only logical thing that makes sense at the moment. Run.

Chan dashes out the dance studio and into the nearest restroom, nearly crashing headfirst into a wall. He turns the tap on with a jerk of his hand and begins to furiously scrub at his face with water. He didn’t sign up for this. He didn’t mean to fall in love with someone he was going to debut with in the same group. He stops for a moment to stare at his reflection, nearly not recognising the frightened boy in the mirror.

A lone tear slips unnoticed, because he’s afraid. He knows what’s going to happen if the rest of them finds out. He’s not dumb, he understands he’ll ruin the dynamics of the group and everyone will hate him. Most importantly, he knows Soonyoung will never treat him the same and they’ll lose the precious friendship they have between them. So Chan hates this. But what choice does he have but to pretend his feelings are non-existent?

(And Chan does go back eventually and apologises. Seungcheol and Jihoon chide him, but he ends up getting flustered as soon as Soonyoung defends him and ruffles his hair playfully. Chan thinks he’s in deep.)

---------------

It’s already June by the time Wonwoo and Mingyu come out to the rest of the group about their relationship. Hardly a month has passed since they’ve debuted, so naturally, it comes as a shock to the rest and pandemonium ensues. Some members take their side, defending and supporting them. Others, mostly Seungcheol and Jihoon, worry about the consequences and fight back, while the rest sit quietly and watch the event unfold. All Chan can feel, however, is surging rush of hope and adrenaline. Because he’s no longer the only one.

“This could work out,” Jisoo says after a while. This starts another round of arguments, with Jisoo saying they could play any skin-ship off as fan service.

It doesn’t, however, convince Seungcheol and Jihoon. After two weeks of intense squabbling and contemplating, they manage to come to a consensus. Wonwoo and Mingyu are happy, the group is back to normal. And Chan has never felt more excited because maybe…just maybe, he has a chance with Soonyoung, right?

---------------

It’s the little things that add up. The way their eyes coincidentally meet through the mirror during practice, the way Soonyoung immediately smiles that damn smile of his when that happens, the way Soonyoung ruffles his hair, the way Soonyoung takes so much care of him. So it’s really not Chan’s fault that his hope burns stronger, hope that maybe Soonyoung likes him just as much.

When Soonyoung grips his wrist after practice, Chan turns to find a blinding set of teeth thrown his way. His heart beat begins quickening its pace before Soonyoung even opens his mouth to speak.

“Wanna stay back a while to help me with the dance routine?”

Chan knows he shouldn’t, for his own sake, but Soonyoung’s staring at him so hopefully, his smile is too bright, and it wouldn’t hurt right? When Chan doesn’t reply for several seconds, the taller gently brushes the back of his hand with his thumb to elicit a response. Chan jerks, the tips of his ears flushing, suddenly realising Soonyoung has been holding onto his wrist for a while now. Not that he doesn’t like it.

“Yeah sure!” Chan blurts out almost too enthusiastically.

“Great!” Soonyoung lets out another benign smile that has Chan’s heart skipping a beat. He proceeds to lead Chan to the computers, never letting go of the grip on his wrist.

They enter a serious discussion about the routine and Chan is torn between looking at Soonyoung’s face and looking at the computer screen. He finds himself getting lost in Soonyoung’s handsome features when he really should be paying attention to the discussion.

“Chan?”

Chan snaps awake. “…Huh?”

“I just asked you a question.”

Smiling sheepishly, Chan mutters, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Soonyoung just chuckles and pats his head before repeating the question. Chan hates him for being so nice.

Halfway through the discussion, just as Chan passionately describes his idea on paper, he turns his head to the right just to see Soonyoung inches away from his own face, concentrating on the paper in front. His mind falters and fizzes out; all he can think about is how close Soonyoung is and he could just reach out and…

Chan stops speaking entirely and Soonyoung turns to him, eyebrows raised. That was not a good move because now Soonyoung’s face and lips are centimetres away and he can feel the other’s warm breath on his face. The room lapses into silence as they both stare into each other’s eyes, the air heavy with an unknown tension.

For what felt like minutes, but in reality was only seconds, neither broke eye contact. Soonyoung raises his eyebrows higher and effectively breaks the silence.

“What’s wrong?”

Chan clears his throat loudly and turns back to the paper, ignoring the blush on his cheeks.

It’s not his fault that his crush for his hyung remains strong.In fact, Chan decides, it’s all Soonyoung’s fault. Soonyoung and that damn smile of his.

---------------

To say the least, Chan is shocked. He reaches the studio after school just to find Jihoon sobbing into the sleeves of his shirt. Chan is stunned for a second, before moving over and kneeling down carefully beside him. His hands waver uncertainly over Jihoon’s shoulder, unsure what to do about this situation.

“Hyung…are you alright?”

Jihoon sniffles and quietens down. Without even raising his head to look at Chan, he mutters two words. “Get out.”

Chan stills and quickly retracts his hand.

“Yah!”

He jumps and whips around. Soonyoung storms into the dance studio, eyes blazing with an intense fire, the usual twinkle in his eyes gone. Chan stands up, meeting his eyes with confused ones.

“What did you do to Jihoon?!”

“What? I didn’t do any—”

“Then why is he crying?!”

“I…I don—”

“Get out. I don’t want to see you.”

The words pierce his heart. Chan turns speechless. He desperately wants to say something, defend himself, anything, but his throat is tight and he can’t form a single word.

Soonyoung doesn’t look at him and heads straight for Jihoon, before enveloping him in a hug. He begins rubbing circles on Jihoon’s back, whispering words of comfort into his ear. Jihoon looks so small in Soonyoung’s embrace. He has started trembling again, his small hands desperately gripping onto Soonyoung’s jacket as he weeps his heart out.

And Chan stands there, rooted to the spot. He doesn’t know why but the sight of the two boys in front makes his heart clench. It takes a while before Chan remembers he isn’t wanted, and he quietly trudges out. His body feels heavy like cement and there’s a strange emptiness in his chest.

--------------

Soonyoung does make it up to him in the end. It’s only at night, when Chan’s cooped up in his room and blasting melancholic music into his ears. The knock at the door interrupts his self-pitying session. It’s Soonyoung at the door with another one of his damn smile, but Chan no longer has the heart to fake a smile.

Soonyoung’s smile fades into a small frown as he sees the shorter’s blank look.

Running his fingers through his locks, he lets out a sigh. “Look, I’m really sorry I shouted at you earlier. Forgive me?”

There’s a pout on his face and Chan is bewildered because that should be an illegal expression on Soonyoung. How can he even resist at this point. All his previous sadness melts away and he nods shyly.

“Yay! Come on, let’s go get ddeokbokki!”

Without waiting for a reply, Soonyoung grips his wrist yet again, and drags him out the dormitory.

It’s only when they’re walking back home alone, with their shoulders close enough to touch, sharing a bowl of ddeokbokki that Chan realises what this looks like: a date. A flurry of butterflies erupts in his stomach and he has to fight to maintain a poker face, but he’s sure he look’s constipated doing so.

Soonyoung chuckles softly. “Your expression is funny.”

“What? No it’s not. Yup, I was being totally normal, definitely not thinking about other things, not at all” Chan splutters.

Soonyoung swings his arm around Chan’s shoulders, sending tingles down his spine. 

“You’re cute.”

Chan would have likely halted in his tracks, had it not been for his strong self-control (or so he likes to think). His heart still skips a beat and he’s suddenly giddy with happiness. Apparently, he must have shuddered a little. Soonyoung mistaking it as being cold, takes off his jacket without any hesitation and wraps it around Chan, making sure to bundle him up warmly.

“You should have worn a jacket or something,” Soonyoung smile warmly, eyes narrowing into thin crescents.

Chan hurriedly pulls the hood over his head and chooses to stare at the ground, hiding his red cheeks.

-------------

“We’re dating.”

What?

Time seems to slow down. Chan can only stare at Soonyoung and Jihoon’s tightly-clasped hands in front of him. The rest is just a blur of words and actions. He sees the bright smile on Soonyoung’s face. He sees Jihoon look away from the group shyly. He sees the rest of the group smiling, their mouths moving excitedly. But no sound reaches his ears. It’s as if he’s drowning, as if there’s water in his ears, muffling all the sounds. He feels trapped. He desperately wants to stand up and shout, “No, I liked him first!” but he can’t move his hands and legs, as if chains are binding him. The words ‘we’re dating’ continuously resonates in his mind, refusing to stop. He’s vaguely aware of how his heart is squeezing painfully but that doesn't really matter, not when Soonyoung’s staring at Jihoon with such a tender look in his eyes.

All of a sudden, everything comes together. Sounds start rushing in, as if someone just unmuted everything. The boys are chattering and laughing and Soonyoung and Jihoon are still holding hands, oblivious to his pain. It’s only then that he remembers he has to be happy for the couple. Hours of practicing expressions in front of the mirror pays off as his lips easily morphs into his usual cheery smile.

His eyes accidentally meet Soonyoung’s and he smiles for a brief moment, before looking away, pretending to be occupied with listening to Seungcheol speak. The leader was giving some serious advice to the rest but none of it registers, because his mind draws a blank. All he’s aware of is the way his heart can no longer seem to pump blood properly, the way it clenches unbearably as it beats.

Chan doesn’t know how he can last through it, but he does. Seungcheol can apparently talk for as long as thirty minutes, before the members force him to stop. The boys talk for another hour or so, asking all sorts of questions about the new couple and teasing them endlessly. The tips of his fingers and his nose begin to tingle as he feels his control waver. Chan is proud that he doesn’t break down right there and then, because how can they be so cruel? How can they not notice he’s suffering inside?

It’s only two hours later, at one in the morning, that Chan is finally alone. He’s sitting, crouched down, with his head between his knees, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing the heavy feeling in his chest would disappear. What is he even doing? Sitting here all alone in the corner of the kitchen, with his back to the fridge. The dormitory is deathly silent, apart from his heavy breathing, all the members having gone to sleep. The only light comes from the rusty bulb overhead, its faint yellowish light casting a very faint glow over the room. Chan stares dejectedly at the ceiling, an endless stream of tears flowing down his face. It has been so for the past ten minutes.

How stupid was he? Of course Soonyoung wouldn’t see him anything more than a little brother. It was just wishful thinking all along. Just he pining after his hyung, enjoying all the attention and the care that he thought was especially for him. Like a fool. Of course.

His heart sinks even more (is that even possible anymore?) and he becomes more miserable as he realises, they must have gotten together yesterday, when Soonyoung was comforting Jihoon. When Soonyoung shouted at him. He visibly deflates. Then what was the date for? What were all the touches, the hand-holding, the sweet gestures for? To torture him even more?

A fresh batch of tears wells up in his eyes and he can’t help but let sobs wreck through his body. He presses the back of his hand to his mouth so he won’t wake his hyungs up, but a few whimpers escape. Why did he have to raise his hopes so high, just to let them come crashing down in ruins? Why did he have to be so nice to him all the time? Why did he have to smile that damn smile of his? Stupid, stupid Soonyoung hyung, he chants in his head. It’s all his fault.

No, you’re the fool, a small voice speaks in his head. He treats everyone that way, you were just too lost in your fantasy. He doesn’t have a soft spot for you. He doesn’t treat you any different from others. And he definitely doesn’t see you that way. Didn’t you see the way he looks at Jihoon? He never looks at you like that. Because, you are nothing to him.

Of course.
 

What a fool he has been. He’s never had a chance anyway.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. He presses his palm to his eyes as he cries even harder. He hates this, he hates what he has become. He’s been crying more often than usual. But he’s supposed to be mature. He’s not some weak damsel in distress, but whenever he’s around Soonyoung, he sure does feel like one. Someone who needs praises and gentle touches, someone who needs protection.

Why can’t it be me?

“Channie-ah?”

Chan snaps up, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.

It’s Soonyoung.

He’s standing at the kitchen door, mouth open in shock. Chan thinks of how pathetic he must look, crying all alone in the kitchen.

Soonyoung slowly takes a step forward, as if he’s some fragile being that needs to be handled with care or else he’ll break.

“Chan?” Soonyoung repeats.

Chan holds his gaze with Soonyoung for a few more seconds, before wiping away the remaining tears on his face. He stands up steadily, willing himself to breath properly.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Eyes still watery with unshed tears, Chan gives one last broken smile to Soonyoung, before walking past him.

“Of course I’m fine. Aren’t I always?”

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I'm sorry haha I promise I love chan but I love angst even more. I think I'm a bit of a sadist sometimes. 

Sorry for the bad writing too, I'm just a beginner><