#3.1: Love Is When I'm Lost ~ Part 2

The Bona Fide Tales of Choco-Ball~ [OT7 + Chanwoo] (CLOSED)
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Finally, it's here! It takes me what, a week to finish it. so late =.=' i'm sorry guys especially to you eemmlly but this is it! and i really did try hard on this. please i hope you'll like it T~T

I'm so thankful to know that none of you take the part 1 as a mess or a disaster. Seriously, why all of you are so kind?! T_____________T I'm grateful to have such kind and supportive readers like you guys. really :'D

This is the 2nd prompt and enjoy people~ ;)

 

WARNING: Seriously really really really long ....... 11 174 words... what the ..=..="

Take your time to read this guys, no rushing. /I feel like I'm writing a novel already/ =..="

 

 

 

 

 

“People think first love is sweet, and never sweeter than when that first bond snaps… Yet that first broken heart is always the most painful, the slowest to mend, and leaves the most visible scar. What’s so sweet about that?”

- Stephen King, Joyland

 

 

 

“Yunhyeong ….” He called for the other’s name. Voice desperate and eyes glistening with thousands of pain and hopelessness that he should have never possessed; not over someone whom he thought could bring happiness to his youthful life.

 

“What?” The other snapped at last, although he tried to slow his voice down so that no one could hear them in the desolate hallway.

 

“Please…” He begged him wholeheartedly, the sky was as dark as his heart clouded with heavy rain that would be pouring any minutes counting. He had his hands on Yunhyeong’s left one but the latter tried with his outmost power to free himself from the iron grip, from a desperate grasp of a wretched boy.

 

“Hanbin, stop right now.” Yunhyeong sternly said with his stance becoming stronger and firm. He couldn’t be any softer with his friend anymore. Not after what he had said earlier, something that was irrelevant and crazy in Yunhyeong’s opinion. Something that he couldn’t return back to Hanbin.

 

“I can’t, and I won’t. Not until you say yes.” Yunhyeong felt utterly defeated looking at how fiery his friend’s eyes were. The tight grip on his hand didn’t feel hurting but it made Yunhyeong even agitated. “Why is it so hard for you to accept my feelings? Why can’t you just love me too just like how I love you?!”

 

“Because I don’t love you Hanbin and there is no such love that I have in my heart for you other than love as a friend.” The way Yunhyeong said it, so calm and resolute made the iron grip he had on the other’s hand loosened. The gaze his crush gave to him only made his walls of defense crumbling to the ground. He couldn’t believe those words would come out from Yunhyeong’s mouth. Couldn’t accept it that his love turned out to be one-sided.

 

When Yunhyeong slowly pulled his hand away from him, the thunder started to come and the loud rumble of it struck Hanbin’s heart wholly. He felt like crying but he knew that he should never cry over his heart breaking into pieces.

 

“Let’s just be friend.”

 

 

 

 

Until today, those words from Yunhyeong keep resonating in his head over and over again whenever the memory of that evening comes into his mind. When he looks back at it again, it seems childish; not on him confessing to his own best friend about his feelings but for him not to accept the denial of his love from someone. It showed how young and immature Hanbin was at that time. But what could be expected from an eight-grader been so deadly struck in love for the first time though?

 

Everything was unchanging yet changing at the same time after that. Yunhyeong fortunately was still hanging around with Hanbin but that was only if they were in group. He still acted the same way towards him but Hanbin could sense the invincible wall separating them apart even though they were standing only side by side. Yunhyeong had never spent his time alone with Hanbin again after the latter confessed that he loved him.

 

God, how Hanbin wishes for all of that to never happened then maybe, things would be different now.

 

There would come a few moments where he would regret his decision confessing to Yunhyeong back then, regretting with all of his heart for that one single mistake could end up with his crush fading away from him and he is destined to become someone who breaks another innocent soul’s heart. He hates it when his mistake backfiring back to him and turning him into an that destroys another person’s life.

 

And somehow that person ends up to be Yunhyeong’s twin brother, Chanwoo.

 

 

What a good life it is.

 

 

The rain is pouring down heavily and Hanbin has mentioned earlier that he despises the idea of returning home soaking wet. Well, he is indeed soaking wet to the bone but not on his way home yet.

 

After Chanwoo’s outburst, Hanbin is left dumbstruck in the park while his head processes on all the things that has just happened minutes ago. He’s completely dumbfounded and shocked that Chanwoo has finally knew everything –though only a portion of it to be honest with–. He sits on the bench alone in the rain. No longer minding his sweatshirt that is drenched entirely and hair all messed up. It takes him a minute or two to sort things out fast before he fishes out his phone from the back of his jeans. He is about to call for someone when a notification lit up on the screen.

 

 

23 missed calls from Yunhyeong

 

 

That is not good he thought. Without much delays, he presses on the number before bringing the phone to his ear. Thankfully Yunhyeong picks up his call after 2 rings.

 

Yunhyeong doesn’t even say hello to him. He starts to babble like a maniac asking did Chanwoo come and see you? and did he asks anything to you? Hanbin doesn’t answer him but instead the first thing that comes out from his mouth is, “did you tell Chanwoo about it?” and all hell breaks loose.

 

Cold and unfriendly are what he is known to be but heartless is not one of his personality. He frantically chases after the maknae taking the same road he saw the younger took with his bicycle after ending up the call; Yunhyeong is on his way there. Luckily that Hanbin uses his bike to get to the park today, at least he can catch up to the younger in time. He rides it in full speed along the small empty road and when he is getting close to the park’s exit, he notices something on the side of the road.

 

He gets even closer and Hanbin’s heart almost stops beating when he sees Chanwoo lying unconsciously on the side of the road with what seems to be a huge spot of blood on his forehead. He gets down from his bike in an instant, almost stumbling himself to the ground and kneels beside the fainted boy. He examines the younger up close watching the crimson red flows down the side of his face staining the green grass beneath him. His bicycle is toppled over a few meters behind and Hanbin guesses that maybe he hit on something with his bicycle that it sends him flying ahead until his head collided with the big rock beside him since there is a stain of red blood on it. The thought of it makes his stomach churns unpleasantly. For sure Chanwoo’s head injury is going to be far from mild.

 

Hanbin tries not to panic over the dire situation. He touches all part of Chanwoo’s body looking for other injuries. Judging from the way the younger fell, it worries him a lot if the younger eventually suffers from any fractures. When he sees none of it; only a little sprain on the younger’s left leg that can be fixed easily with bandage and other few bruises, he slowly lifts Chanwoo’s head to see if there is another wound at the back of his head from the fall. Fortunately, there’s none and Hanbin sighs half relief knowing that he only needs to worry about the deep gash on Chanwoo’s forehead then.

 

He puts the younger’s head on his lap as carefully as he can, ignoring the way his hands slightly shiver from the weight that close to none at all. He presses his left hand on the wound as his other one dives into his jeans’ pocket for the phone. He calls for an ambulance first before reaching Yunhyeong to tell him that he has found Chanwoo. Yunhyeong says he is almost there to the park and asks for Hanbin to sit tight.

 

There is basically nothing he could do other than sit tight and continue pressing on pressure to Chanwoo’s wound though. He pats on the younger’s cheek softly yet urgently trying to get him into consciousness. But Chanwoo is not waking up. From the way his face looks like with no creases of pain on his blood-stained forehead, he resembles a young child sleeping peacefully on the bed and that is what scared Hanbin the most. Because truthfully saying, he will never ever forgive himself if Chanwoo really does sleeping forever. He tries to reach for the younger again by calling his name but there is not even a twitch on his face signaling that he is awake. Hanbin’s heart drops thinking of the worst scenario.

 

Few minutes later, Yunhyeong came and when he sees his twin, hysteric describes Yunhyeong well though his is far worse than the one Chanwoo had with Hanbin before. Then the ambulance arrives while Yunhyeong is still clutching on Chanwoo crying for the younger to get up. They don’t waste much time any longer to get the younger to the hospital.

 

 

 

 

Though Chanwoo is diagnosed with no fatal injuries, that doesn’t stop his mother and twin brother from crying their eyes out for him. Hanbin in his cold and wet sweatshirt has to stay beside Yunhyeong and comforts him by telling that the younger will be just fine. Although with all the positive thinking he tries to seep into him and the encouragement pats, Yunhyeong still couldn’t stop his tears from coming out. It somehow confused Hanbin watching the latter breaking down this hard.

 

But Hanbin doesn’t say anything; he knows how Yunhyeong really loves his twin younger brother to the point that he willingly asked –no scratch that, begged– Hanbin to accept Chanwoo’s confession and pretended to be his boyfriend. Yeah, that’s crazy but people do crazy things when it comes to love; apparently Hanbin learns that twins are no exception.

 

He enters Chanwoo’s room when they are allowed to see the younger. At first Hanbin decided not to afraid that he would be a disturbance to the family but Yunhyeong and his dad insisted thus he is pulled inside by the twins’ father. They see Chanwoo soundly asleep on the hospital’s bed when they enter the room. The only difference from before is that his forehead is no longer smeared with bloods but covered with white pristine bandage instead. Thankfully the younger only suffers from a mild concussion, a thick bandage on his left leg for the sprain and 12 stitches to close the big gash on his forehead. Other than that, he is just fine.

 

But the maknae is pale; unusually pale and that intrigues Hanbin a bit. Could it be because of the amount of blood he lost? He believes that is the reason. Or it could be that the younger caught a fever or something after he spent a long time in the rain, not to mention that he fainted though.

 

After a few minutes he spends in the room watching Chanwoo sleeping while drowning in his own guilt, Yunhyeong takes him out from the room to the hallway. They take a seat in the waiting room and Hanbin couldn’t stop wishing for Yunhyeong to just stop crying already. His eyes are a bloodshot red and face is red like a pepper. He looks pretty bad in Hanbin’s opinion.

 

“He’s so pale.” He can’t think of a much better way to start the conversation other than a lame one. The only thing that Hanbin wants is for Yunhyeong to stop crying and perhaps the conversation could swerve his mind to elsewhere, hopefully.

 

“Yeah, the doctor said his fever is getting a bit high. Probably because of the rain.” Yunhyeong answers simply. The tears have stopped already but the sadness on his face is one that is hard for Hanbin to get rid of. It breaks his heart to see Yunhyeong in this kind of state.

 

They stay in silent with Hanbin holding Yunhyeong’s hands in his as a way for him to relay his comfort. He knows that Yunhyeong needs that the most now. But the truth is that Hanbin also needs it. He has no idea why his heart can’t stop beating furiously and his mind couldn’t get away from the younger. He is still worried; deadly worried though he has no inkling on why he has such a feeling this way.

 

“I’m sorry.” Suddenly the words come out from Yunhyeong surprising Hanbin. “If only I didn’t ask for you to do this. Then maybe, you don’t have to trouble yourself here. I’m so sorry for troubling you, Hanbin.” Those words coming out from Yunhyeong only bring sadness to Hanbin’s heart. The way his head hangs down so low and face scrunched up in utter pain make Hanbin feels like thousands of knives are thrown to his body. He is not used to see this side of Yunhyeong; the vulnerable one that already lost its own strength to keep the sadness at bay.

 

One of the hands he has on the sad boy is taken away as he reaches for Yunhyeong’s chin to lift his head up and face Hanbin, the other one is still holding Yunhyeong’s cold hands. The tears that fall down and gathered on his chin feels wet in Hanbin’s fingers.  “It’s okay. It’s nothing though. Even if you don’t ask for me to do this, I would still come to accompany you. So don’t say sorry.” He gives his best smile to cheer Yunhyeong up a bit. The small one he gets in return washes his burden away.

 

“Thanks Hanbin-ah. Seriously, I don’t know what would I do if you are not around. If it wasn’t because of you helping Chanwoo in the park earlier, then maybe—” By the time he finishes talking, Yunhyeong is on the verge of tears again. Hanbin’s smile falters and he finds his hand rubbing circle on his friend’s back.

 

“Come on Yunhyeong, I’ve told you that it’s nothing at all. It’s okay, everything is going to be fine. He’ll be fine.” He says to assure his friend but he doesn’t know why Yunhyeong’s tears start to fall down hard when he said the last few words. He is already crying so hard while Hanbin keeps rubbing circle on his back to ease the tears down.

 

“Hanbin-ah…” Finally, after a few minutes struggling to catch up his breath, Yunhyeong stops crying and faces Hanbin. He takes his hand that’s on his back earlier and holds it tightly in his hold. The look he gives to Hanbin is one that screams anguish, but he handles it well enough. “Actually, there is something that you should know.”

 

Hanbin on the other hand feels a bit at vague watching his crush suddenly being composed although his face is all red and cheeks wet with tears. The way Yunhyeong holds his hands are so strong and firm that Hanbin is afraid if he moves even a bit, he would be breaking his wrists. “Okay, about what?”

 

“It’s about Chanwoo.” He furrows his eyebrows hearing that.

 

He watches intently how Yunhyeong inhales a deep breath trying to stop his tears from falling down again. His breath sounds constricted when he pulls them in after the amount of crying he has. “Do you remember when the doctor called for my parents to come with him shortly after Chanwoo was out from the ER?” Hanbin nods at the memory of it that took place about 30 minutes ago. It happened right in front of his eyes and he couldn’t be more helpless to watch Chanwoo’s parents been taken away into another room while Yunhyeong and him were the only one there to watch the sleeping maknae been wheeled out from the emergency room into another ward.

 

“The doctor told something about Chanwoo to my parents. My mother told me after they went out from that room.” Yunhyeong says, this time the tears are at its work again. His words make Hanbin’s brain actively creating thousands of scenes with no define conclusion on it. He has no power to talk anymore, only a nod of his head becomes a motion for Yunhyeong to continue on with his story.

 

And Hanbin is certainly not ready for what is fated to come next.

 

 

 

 

Night is coming and it is still raining outside since this evening. The shade of orange and red on the horizon mix together creating twilight that would soon bring the darkness of the night together with it. The lamp streets outside are lighted up and the hustle bustle of the busy city increases with people rushing to return to their home after work.

 

He sits in the room all alone accompanying a person who is deeply engulfed with slumber. The room is dimly lighted and the light is soft white to avoid disturbance to the patient’s sleep. It’s quiet in the room, only the sound from the heart monitor becomes the music to ears.

 

It’s crazy he thought; how someone could sleep so soundly as if they have no single bit of problems in the whole world. But maybe that’s the true bliss of it; to be free from those nuisances of headache and troubles. There is nothing Hanbin can do other than just sits silently on the chair and watches Chanwoo sleeping under the drugs influence. The white bandage covering the stitches on his forehead has been changed and it seems like some colors have returned to his face erasing the paleness.

 

Hanbin is lost on what he should do, or precisely said on what he could do. His mind couldn’t stop thinking of what Yunhyeong had said to him half an hour ago in the waiting room. It won’t be easy for him to stop the words from repeating over and over again in his already messed up head.

 

 

“He has brain tumor; grade 2.”

 

 

“Since when?”

 

 

“Since he was in the 9th grade. But Chanwoo doesn’t know it, me and my parents make sure of it. He doesn’t even have a slightest clue on it.”

 

 

 

He doesn’t know what to feel; either crying his eyes out or just plainly sits there and stare into spaces trying to figure out what is exactly happening around him.

 

 

“So …… is this the reason why you—you asked for me to accept his confession?”

 

 

 

His phone has been vibrating non-stop, probably his mum calling to ask where is he right now. But Hanbin couldn’t find the energy to even lift up his fingers, moreover to answer the call. He feels numb and weak; for the first time ever, he feels weak, hopeless, sad.

 

 

 

“I-I’m sorry …. but I only want him to be happy. I want him to live happily, even if it’s short.”

 

 

 

Not minding anything anymore he takes Chanwoo’s hand in his, silently gasping at how cold his hand is and the younger’s hand has never been this small in his hold. His eyes fall on the sleeping boy’s face; how serene it looks reflecting his pure but tainted soul, tainted because of him. All because of what Hanbin had done.

 

 

“I want him to be happy…...”

 

 

“But not like this, Yunhyeong. You are playing with his fate. We are playing with his heart. This is not right!”

 

 

“It must have been frustrating for you, to endure all of this in such a young age.” He says to Chanwoo although he knows it best that he won’t be getting any reply. But perhaps a little bit of talking and confession can lessen his guilt, could maybe redeem his unforgivable sins towards the younger boy.

 

 

“Why don’t you tell me this?”

 

 

“So you can be pitiful to him? No, I won’t let that happened. I want him to feel a sincere love.”

 

 

 

“So you think lying to me could make it any less pitiful? That’s stupid of you, Yunhyeong!

You know exactly what I have been doing all these times to him and one of them is not being sincere!!”

 

 

 

“I know that I’ve been nothing but a jerk to you all these times. I hurt you, torturing your heart and feelings, I only did bad things to you.” He says with an outmost regret and guilt. The hold he has on the younger tighten but not much as he afraid he could break the fragile boy. “You are hurting, I know it. I am well aware of it every single day but because I’m an idiot, I ignore it. I ignore you.” Hanbin sniffs his tears away, the back of his eyes are burning madly and his legs feel so cold. His entire body is numbing except for his brain that just wouldn’t stop making him remembering back his conversation with Yunhyeong.

 

 

 

“I-I only want him to feel loved ……. At least before he—”

 

 

“Please stop crying, I-I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m so sorry, Yunhyeong.”

 

 

 

“N-no, this is all on me. You have any right to be angry. I should be b-blamed. Every—Everything is my f-fault…”

 

 

“You know that your Yunhyeong hyung loves you so much right? Well, I have always thought that although his way is crazy, but at least he is being truthful and sincere.” It might just be his mere imagination but the slight changes of beat on the heart monitor couldn’t possibly get away from his hearing. Probably mentioning his twin brother’s name incites a bit of his heartbeat. “He does that much better than me I think.”

 

The vibration stops, the sound of cars racing through the streets outside dies down. The room feels even much colder than before but maybe it’s just Hanbin being numb with all the blood in his body gone making the heat in his body disappears possibly transferred to be the colorless liquid falling down his cheeks right now.

 

“I wish I could change everything. If I was not as as I am, then maybe you won’t be hurting this much.” He can’t stop the tears from escaping his eyes anymore. It comes down like a heavy rain in the midst of summer, hot like the fire and heavy like his heart. “I-I shouldn’t have hurt you. Not you, it shouldn’t be you…...”

 

 

 

“Please don’t blame yourself. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have treated him badly. I-I should have been more honest with him.”

 

 

 

“I should have been more honest with you. I should have never hurt you like this. If Yunhyeong couldn’t like me back, I could have at least make you feel happy. I should have.” Hanbin couldn’t stop the burning of his heart already. It’s hurting him but not as much as he has hurt Chanwoo he thinks. None of his pain can relate to the one the younger has been enduring this far.

 

 

“I should have appreciated him more……”

 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry and I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, to us. I should have treated you better.”

 

 

“I should …...”

 

 

“I—I’m sorry ….” Hanbin says as he draws closer to Chanwoo and locks his lips with the younger’s forehead. His tears fall on Chanwoo’s cheek but he is too preoccupied to even notice that.

 

 

He is too sad to even notice the single tear that slips from the younger’s eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

--- 3 WEEKS LATER ---

 

 

“Do you want anything else, honey?” Chanwoo’s mother asks him after she has done putting down all the bags. Her eyes search for him and it lands on the bed where the maknae is sitting down with face lightens up at the sight of his bedroom.

 

“No mum, I’m fine. Thank you.” He says with the smile unfaltering.

 

“Anytime sweetheart.” She then walks to him and plants a kiss on his forehead, carefully not to touch the stitches. After that his mother leaves the room and Yunhyeong enters afterwards with smile resembles Chanwoo so much.

 

“Feel better at home, doesn’t it?” Yunhyeong utters to his younger brother. Chanwoo nods his head with the smile still lingers on his face. Tired standing for too long, the older brother plops down on the bed beside the younger. His hand instantly found Chanwoo’s as their fingers lace together perfectly; like a missing puzzles found its pieces.

 

“This house has been very quiet since you were gone.” Yunhyeong’s thumb rubs the younger’s back hand affectionately. The amount of love pours on that one gesture couldn’t be measured possibly. “Are you alright, maknae? Do you want to lie down for a bit?” He asks with concern afraid if the younger feels tired after the long ride from the hospital.

 

“I think I’m a bit sleepy, hyung. I want to sleep for a little while.” Chanwoo says rubbing the back of his neck tiredly. Yunhyeong can see how the younger’s eyes almost dropping from the fatigue. He can’t help but to smile watching how cute his younger brother is.

 

“Okay then. I’ll wake you up when the lunch is ready.” He stands up from the bed and about to walk away from the room when Chanwoo quickly reaches for his arm, stopping Yunhyeong.

 

“Hyung, can you accompany me for a while? I don’t want to sleep alone.” The adorableness coming out from Chanwoo melts Yunhyeong’s heart in an instant. He can’t stop the chuckles from escaping.

 

“Yah, aren’t you a big boy enough to sleep by your own?” He jokes around with the maknae making Chanwoo pouts.

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