160701 Friday

When Chanyeol wakes up the next morning, what he did truly does hit him ten times harder.

Immediately, he rushes over to Kyungsoo’s room, knocking on the door. His roommate replies.

“What do you want?” The guy asks, bored.

“I … I need to talk to Kyungsoo.”

“Kyungsoo, eh?” The guy scowls at him. “Well, he doesn’t wanna see you.” He slams the door.

Chanyeol shoves his hands in his pockets. Guilt is clearing his mind and now he feels disgusted thinking about alcohol. He cannot believe he had done that to Kyungsoo only because he wanted to prove something.

Drinking … truly does hurt the people he cares about.

This time, instead of spending his free time wasting away somewhere, Chanyeol searches for his friend that had looked after him unconditionally and without complaint. He asks around, wide eyes looking around places to find his friend. His heart feels heavy because Kyungsoo had given him everything, had been there for him during his hardest moment, had looked after him regardless of how long it took and how much effort it needed, and what had Chanyeol given him?

A kiss. A kiss, while thinking about someone else.

I’m such an . Chanyeol thinks to himself. He can’t find Kyungsoo anywhere. The only other place he might be at is …

Their cafeteria table.

But going there means he has to face everyone else, the people he had been avoiding for weeks. Is it worth the risk?

Kyungsoo had risked so much for him. Kyungsoo had helped him so much. Of course it’s worth the risk.

Besides, he misses everyone. He briefly wonders why no one had contacted him, but then he realises that Jongin must’ve told them not to. Otherwise, he’s sure Kris would at least come banging on his door and try to cheer him up with his stupid jokes and shower him with coupons for everything.

As he walks to the table for dinner, he wonders whether they know what happened between him and Baekhyun. He wonders whether they would ask him about it. Frankly, he doesn’t want to talk about it.

He arrives silently, watching as they mess around and talk and laugh. He misses that. He misses being part of that. He misses their talks, their laughs, and their silly and lame jokes. Just what the hell had he been missing out on?

Jongin is the first one to see him, turning his face from a grinning Joonmyun. His eyes widen and his mouth falls open.

“Hey, Chanyeol.” He says softly. At that, everyone stops talking, turning around to stare at Chanyeol. Chanyeol feels so embarrassed that he doesn’t realise until later that Kyungsoo’s not there.

“Where’ve you been, you idiot?!” Kris stands, grabs Chanyeol, and sits him down, winding his arm around the younger’s neck and ruffling his hair. “We all missed you, you little rascal!”

“Yeah!” Sounds of agreement echo throughout the table.

“You idiot, do you think we wouldn’t notice?” Lu Han shouts, grinning.

“Is this your way of trying to avoid us, huh? Are we not good enough for you?” Kris continues.

“Glad to have you back, kid.” Minseok says. Eventually, the topic Chanyeol dies down and everyone immerses in their own personal conversations again.

“Where’s Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol mutters, trying to sound casual. Jongin shrugs.

“He’s been catching up on his homework lately, so he hasn’t come down.” Jongin whispers. Immediately Chanyeol feels even guiltier. Kyungsoo had to spend so much of his time looking after him that he hardly had time to eat. Instead, he tries to divert the topic.

He watches as Yi Xing and Lu Han begin to sing a song together, swaying from side to side. What they’re doing is eye-catching, and he’s sure if he diverts the topic from Kyungsoo, then everyone will forget what he had said (or rather, just Jongin).

“That’s Baekhyun’s favourite song.” It comes out so naturally that for a moment he forgets everything that had happened between them. Even though he didn’t say it too loudly, he knows everyone has heard it, because the table stills once more.

A serious aura floats over everyone.

“I really don’t know what’s gotten into Baekhyun this time.” Joonmyun mutters.

“Just who the hell is he with anyway?”

“Why the is that guy so important? Wait ‘till I get a closer look …”

“The thing is, you can’t even get close to them because they somehow disappear when you try to approach them.”

“I just want to know how good he is such that he forgot all of us. Such that he forgot Chanyeol.” The table quietens once again, and everyone glances at Chanyeol carefully. They know. They probably knew for a long time. Chanyeol laughs, trying to make everything sound light-hearted, but somehow, them knowing what had happened still hurts.

“Uh, I’m fine, guys.” He says, watching their concerned eyes fall on him. “Really.”

“Just what the is going on …”

“I’ve always tried to support him in whatever he did, but I’m really not sure now.”

“Yeah, same.”

“Yeah.” They all turn to him once more.

“Don’t worry, Chanyeol, we’re on your side!”

“Yeah, we’ll beat the sense into Baekhyun if we have to!”

“Everyone knows you guys are perfect together. Baekhyun will come back to you sooner or later!”

“And even if he doesn’t, we’re still here for you, yeah?”

“What he’s doing is wrong and he shouldn’t have any other excuses anymore!”

“I’m by your side!”

“Listen to SheunSays. SheunSays supports you!” Just then, Jungsoo joins their table, grinning from ear to ear, not understanding what they’re talking about.

Chanyeol is supposed to feel touched. He is, more than he’s ever been before, but they’re wrong about Baekhyun.

“Don’t talk about him like that.” Chanyeol whispers. Their encouraging smiles falter. “You don’t understand what he’s been through.” Suddenly, their presence is unbearable. “He’s happy. Just … just be happy for him.” With that, Chanyeol leaves the table and walks away quickly. He hears Jongin calling out his name, but he ignores it.

Conflict worms itself into every crevice of his body. Their support is supposed to make him feel more confident that he’s right, but somehow he feels angry for Baekhyun, because people always seem to misunderstand him. Baekhyun abandoned him, but so what? Baekhyun abandoned him for happiness, so isn’t that a good decision to make?

And Chanyeol let him.

Feeling angrier than he had in a long time, Chanyeol barges into his room and tears open his drawers, taking out every single ing can he had bought. It’s a ing mistake. It’s a ing ty excuse to forget and move on, because every time he drinks, he winds up in the exact same situation – dejected, lethargic, and lonely.

Then he picks up all the ing cans that had made him hurt the people he cares about, throwing them in a plastic bag he got from another one of his drawers. He’s moving on from this. He doesn’t want to use the easy way out anymore.

When he’s done throwing them out, he tries calling Kyungsoo, but no one answers. He checks Kyungsoo’s room again, but the same guy opens the door.

“You again?” The guy is chewing his gum as he rolls his eyes. “Gosh, you’re so annoying –”

“KYUNGSOO!” Chanyeol shouts, cutting the guy off and not giving a about it. “Kyungsoo! I’m sorry about yesterday, I really am! Let me talk to you!” The man rolls his eyes.

“He’s not in there –”

“I know you’re in there, Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol shouts again. “I’ve stopped, okay? I won’t do it again, I promise! I won’t do it to forget ever again!” There is silence. The man who’s chewing his gum looks him up and down nastily.

“Are you done now?” Chanyeol blinks down at him, realising that he’s there.

“Oh! Uh, yes … Yes, I am …” Chanyeol says. “Uh, sorry for bother –” The man slams the door closed. Sighing, Chanyeol turns and drags his feet somewhere, not exactly knowing where he’s going. After all, he doesn’t want to go back to his room, a place where all his feelings surface.

“Chanyeol.” Someone says as he grabs Chanyeol’s arm. Chanyeol turns to meet Jongin. “Please … please stop doing this to yourself.” Chanyeol stands to face him fully, face indifferent.

“I’ve stopped. I’m going to stop drinking now.” Chanyeol says. Just what the hell was I thinking? “So don’t worry.” Jongin blinks, eyes widening in surprise. Then he narrows them.

“What? You’ve been going behind our backs?” Jongin mutters. Chanyeol purses his lips. Obviously Kyungsoo wouldn’t tell Jongin about this. He sighs, and Jongin deflates. “What I was saying was, forget him.”

“Jongin –”

“We’ve talked about it on the table. We think you should forget him.” Jongin says softly. “We see how hard it is for you, and we don’t want you hurt. Just forget him, Chanyeol.” Chanyeol looks at him for a while, but then looks back down, walking away, but Jongin grabs his arm again.

“I’m saying this as both your best friend. Forget him, Chanyeol. He’s not worth it.” Chanyeol wrenches his arm away, turning to look at Jongin, eyes flashing with anger.

“He’s worth everything!” Chanyeol snarls. Why? Why does everyone turn their back on Baekhyun so easily? He feels so betrayed for him, and the betrayal clings onto him until he feels nothing but anger. “I’ll forget him, Jongin, I’ll forget him if you want me to, but don’t ing say that.” Jongin flinches, stung by Chanyeol’s words. Chanyeol takes that chance to push past him.

“Fine! Do whatever you want!” Jongin shouts after him as he walks away. “But you’re ing depressed, Chanyeol! Just let us talk to you! Don’t hide it all inside yourself!”

“Maybe … it’s time for me to move on.” Chanyeol tells the night air once it’s time for him to sleep. But who actually sleeps nowadays? “I’ve been holding onto nothing this whole time and it’s only hurting me.” Jungsoo realises that Chanyeol would ignore him during days, but then rambles to him during nights. It’s the first time that Chanyeol has said this. Said about giving up on Baekhyun.

“I mean, I want to keep on loving him. I want to keep protecting him. I want to look out for him. But … but … maybe that was never the right thing to do for him.” Jungsoo keeps quiet because he doesn’t know what to say.

“Maybe … it was never my job to begin with.”

Jungsoo thinks about this. How can he give up on Baekhyun so easily? Just like that? Just as he’s about to open his mouth to say it, the door opens and then the light switches on.

“All right, chap, now you’re going to tell us what the hell is going on.” Chen says. Chanyeol sits up, blinking profusely as he and Jongin pull him out of bed and sit down on it. Jungsoo blinks, wondering to himself if this is what people do in their spare time.

“What? Nothing … Nothing’s going on.” He wants to move on … but he still protects Baekhyun’s secrets. Jungsoo thinks to himself. Honestly he himself doesn’t know the exact details on Baekhyun’s secrets, but he knows Chanyeol knows more than him.

“No one thinks Baekhyun’s right on this. No one.” Chen hisses. “We think you know something we don’t. So tell us.”

“What are you talking about?” Chanyeol sounds annoyed. “There’s nothing to say.”

“He’s only contacting me? He stopped talking to everyone else?” Chen sounds almost hysterical. “He’s hanging out with some mysterious guy? What the is going on? This is not a ing normal break up. Even now, he’s stopped talking to me.” Chanyeol stays silent, eyes hard and focused on the ground.

“I have nothing to say to you.” He says quietly.

“Chanyeol –” Chen stands. Chanyeol stands too, and the both of them glare at each other. Jongin is looking between the two of them, conflicted. The two of them stare at each other for a long, long time, then Chen deflates, head drooping. Chanyeol deflates immediately after.

“I’m sorry.” Chen mutters. “I’m just … I’m just so scared …” Chanyeol blinks in surprise. Jongin does so too. Chen’s never said that before. He always wants to act strong and fearless, and has always done so flawlessly.

“I’m so scared, because … it’s like history repeating itself all over again …” Chanyeol feels dread drop down to his stomach. “It reminded me of the time when Baek disappeared for a week.”

Silence. The air has suddenly turned cold.

“…What?” Jongin asks, confused. “…What … happened?”

“, Jongdae –” Chanyeol warns, but Chen turns to Jongin, fire in his eyes.

“The year you left us, Baekhyun started acting weird.” Chen confesses, words tumbling out of his mouth. Jongin is blinking dumbly, and Chanyeol is too slow to react. “He ignored me and he always talked to someone on his phone, but we never knew who the he was.”

“, Chen, , stop –”

“Do you think he doesn’t deserve to hear this?” Chen shouts, twisting to glare at Chanyeol. His eyes are so alive, full of so much emotion. Chanyeol realises that he just cares. Chen cares so ing much about Baekhyun so he’s doing this, spilling Baekhyun’s secret to someone that Baekhyun is probably most unwilling to give to. “How long has he been in the dark?”

“What are you guys talking about?” Jongin whispers, eyes wide and terrified.

“Byun ing Baekhyun …” Chen growls, turning back to Jongin, “ing chose a ing stranger over us. Then he ing disappeared for a ing week.”

Silence.

“Then … when the police found him, he had to live in the hospital for a month.” Chen’s voice drops. “No one knows what happened to him, because he didn’t tell anyone.” Jongin is looking at the ground now, his expression hard to decipher.

“That’s why he became the way he was.” Chen whispers. “He never slept with so many people to find his true love. Something happened to him that week, something that made him like that … I think … I feel like I have an idea of just exactly what.”

“What is it then?” Jongin whimpers, his voice quivering. Chanyeol can see the horror in his eyes. He wants to comfort the other, but he can’t move. He’s frozen in his spot. Chen looks up at the ceiling, then sideways. Silence suffocates them for a long, long time. Then, eventually, Chen opens his mouth.

“I think he was –”

“He was .” Chanyeol says. Chen stops talking, turning to stare at him abruptly. Jongin does so too. He looks as if he’s about to cry. “Baekhyun was gang-.”

Jongin opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Chen looks serious and concerned and unsurprised.

“I … I guess it wasn’t fair for him to keep it from you guys.” Chanyeol whispers. “But it was something that haunted him for so long. You have to understand him.” They are frozen to their spots.

“Uh … I guess I’ll just … take my leave now?” Chanyeol turns and meets Jungsoo’s eyes. Chen and Jongin had forgotten he was there. Chanyeol shakes his head.

“I think you should know too … I … I don’t know why.” Chanyeol continues. “I’ll tell you guys, but I … this is Baekhyun’s secret. I guess … if he’s not burdened by it anymore, then I’ll just say it.”     

“He told you?” Jongin whispers. “He didn’t tell anyone but you?” When Chanyeol turns to look at Jongin, Jongin swears his bottom lip is trembling.

“…Yeah.” The other croaks. Then he takes a deep breath. Part of him feels like he’s betraying Baekhyun for saying this, but the other two care about him so much and they deserve to know. Also, Chanyeol feels like it’s time to tell them, whether Baekhyun is ready or not. A gut feeling is telling him to tell them.

Maybe a part of him tells them Baekhyun’s past, mostly because he wants them to understand why Baekhyun didn’t choose him.

He tells them. He tells them whatever Baekhyun told him, right from the start, right from the time when his parents divorced and he sunk into his own shell. He tells them of a mysterious older man who looked exactly like him picked Baekhyun off his bloody knees and saved him from himself. He tells them everything, but he stops so many times. He stops and sometimes he doesn’t think he can continue, but he forces himself to. They need to understand Baekhyun. They need to know why Baekhyun’s like this. He keeps going. He doesn’t think talking about this would be so hard. Briefly in his mind, he admires Baekhyun’s strength for being able to tell him so quickly without so much as taking a breath in between. Sometimes his sentences are so jagged he doesn’t think they would understand what he’s saying, but they listen anyway, and somehow, Chanyeol’s thankful for that.

“And … Joo Sung suddenly popped up in front of us one day.” Chanyeol says, voice trembling. He never knew talking about how they broke up would be so difficult. “He … he came and … and Baekhyun forgot about me.” He takes time to collect himself, just like all those other times, and the other three let him. He tells them of how he heard them overnight, of how in love Baekhyun looked, and how it seemed letting go was the right thing to do. “I … Which is why I don’t blame him. He’s been through so much, guys … He needs his own happiness.”

“And he ing chose that piece of ?” Chen growls.

“You … you don’t understand.” Chanyeol cuts in quickly. It hurts him to defend them, but that’s the right thing to do. “It was all just an act, because … because he needs to protect Baekhyun.”

“Protect Baekhyun? From who?” Chen laughs. “From himself, maybe?”

“He loves him, Chen.”

“I don’t ing care whether that motherer loves Baekhyun or not!” Chen is shaking. “I don’t care! And I don’t care how much Baekhyun loves him back!”

“Chen –”

“Don’t ing ‘Chen’ me!” Chen shouts. “Why did you even hand Baekhyun to that er? He hurt Baekhyun, Chanyeol! He hurt him so ing bad that he gave himself to anyone, no matter how much they would hurt him physically. He gave himself away, Chanyeol, wasted himself away, and you still ing gave him back? If that motherer can act once, he can do it again.” Chanyeol is silent. Why does Chen not understand? “It’s you who doesn’t ing understand, Park Chanyeol. I don’t trust him. I don’t care if he loves Baekhyun from the day they met or if he loves him now, because I don’t ing trust him.” Chen stands up. “I’m so ing done with this. I’m ing done. Every single person around me is an idiot. I can’t believe this.” He stomps towards the door.

“Wait –”

“Byun ing Baekhyun is an idiot.” Chen slams the door behind him so hard that the walls shake.

‘KEEP IT DOWN, WILL YOU?’ Someone calls from another room. They hear Chen yell something back.

Chanyeol feels even worse than he had before. He knows Chen deserves to know the truth, but seeing the way he reacted was not the reaction Chanyeol wanted. He wants Chen to ing understand, god dammit! Why doesn’t he ing understand?

“Jongin?” Chanyeol calls softly. Jongin had been silent almost the entire time. He’s staring hard into space, thinking. Chanyeol reaches out to touch his best friend’s shoulder, but Jongin pulls away as if he had been burned.

“Don’t touch me.” Jongin mutters. His voice sounds so broken. He stands up too.

“Jongin –”

Jongin doesn’t say anything, but he rushes out, this time not even realising that he hasn’t closed the door behind him.

He didn’t know Baekhyun had such a bad past.

He didn’t even think about why Baekhyun turned out to be the way he was. He just thought it became a hobby.

It was horrifying to hear it. How terrifying would it have been, to experience it?

He feels so sad for his best friend, someone who he had always seen to be a strong, independent person, someone who loved to take care of others. He had taken in so much information at once that he doesn’t even know how to react to the reality now.

The weight of Baekhyun’s past finally falls onto his shoulders, and when he returns back to his room and climbs into his bed, he can only sob into the pillows, crying for his best friend that had lost himself because he loved so hard.

Then when he stops crying, he thinks.

He closes his eyes and thinks.

Chanyeol can’t even sleep after what happened. He’s sure the others can’t either.

Instead, he thinks about the concert tickets he had given to Baekhyun two months ago. The concert had passed a few days ago, but he had been so caught up in Baekhyun he had totally forgotten it. Even though EXO is a band that he had loved way before he met Baekhyun, somehow all the songs they’ve written have lost meaning.

He wonders if Baekhyun remembered to go to the concert. He thinks with a bitter laugh that Baekhyun really hadn’t chosen him at all, but had most probably definitely chosen Joo Sung to go with.

It’s strange how things can change so dramatically in such a short time. It was a mere two months ago when his life seemed so perfect and whole and complete, mostly because Baekhyun was in it. Now he can’t even sleep properly because he’s not used to the strange silence in the night air. He wonders if Joo Sung loves the way Baekhyun makes dog noises in his sleep like he does. He wonders if Joo Sung will pull Baekhyun to him and hug him close when Baekhyun has nightmares. He wonders if Joo Sung will hold Baekhyun’s hand, drag him to a public place, and yell out his love for him. He wonders so many things between Joo Sung and Baekhyun, imagining them doing all the things that he had wanted to do with Baekhyun.

Because, as stupid as that sounds, Chanyeol had genuinely thought about spending his entire life with Baekhyun. He had believed that, after Baekhyun started trusting love again, he would also grow to love Chanyeol, just like Chanyeol had with Baekhyun. He believed that so hard that he thought it was inevitable – that Baekhyun would truly fall in love with him. He never knew how wrong he was.

He misses Baekhyun so goddamn much. He misses Baekhyun’s annoying voice, his provocative smirk, his ing inability to control his ing defiance, the teasing way he would show his skin and he doesn’t even ing know it.

He misses Baekhyun’s sweet singing, his cute smile, his unwavering bravery, and the innocent way he retains his mind even after everything that has happened.

He misses Baekhyun’s shyness at the silliest things, misses the bold way Baekhyun would kiss him whenever he felt like it, misses how Baekhyun would look at him with gentleness whenever he hurts himself, misses how Baekhyun acts tough but is as soft as cotton candy inside.

He misses Baekhyun’s quiet laugh, misses his subtle grins, misses watching Baekhyun grow and turn back to his old, true self, or rather, his true self that should have never faded away. He misses feeling Baekhyun’s skin against his, however chaste. He misses Baekhyun’s lips, and the imperfect way they would fit around his. He misses the way Baekhyun would touch him, the way Baekhyun straddled him, the way Baekhyun held his hands, when they made love. And he misses Baekhyun so much.

His heart is hurting. He never really knew such a thing was possible until Baekhyun left him.  With every throb comes the fact that Baekhyun is not his, and that he might never see Baekhyun again.

Without even thinking, Chanyeol sits up and takes something off his neck. Amongst the moonlight, the silver of his necklace is glinting prettily, the curve of the treble clef resembling the curve of Baekhyun’s smile.

It was because of Baekhyun that Chanyeol had worn this, the only thing given by his true parents before they abandoned him. It was because of Baekhyun that he had the strength to wear this. And now he doesn’t want to wear it anymore.

Chanyeol stands, wanting to throw the necklace in the bin. He doesn’t need this piece of anyway. It just reminds him of how the people who are supposed to care most about him have abandoned him. Like how his real parents abandoned him. Like how Baekhyun abandoned him.

“You might want to keep that.” Jungsoo says softly. When Chanyeol turns, he finds Jungsoo is sitting up on his bed. His eyes seem to be glimmering. Chanyeol doesn’t want to listen to him, and he isn’t about to.

“You’ll find that, instead of seeing it as horrible memories mixed together, it can be something that will cheer you up.” Chanyeol stands, confused as to what the hell Jungsoo is talking about. “Seriously. You’ll regret throwing it out.”

Chanyeol stops and thinks about it. He might. He tends to regret throwing and destroys things that hold a lot of meaning to him. In the end, he clutches it in his fist and climbs back into bed.

“Trust yourself.” Jungsoo says softly. “Trust your instinct, because your instinct comes from the deepest core of your heart.”

“Kyungsoo, please talk to me.” Chanyeol shouts as he bangs on his friend’s door. No reply. “Kyungsoo, I know you’re in there.” Still no reply.

“I’m sorry, Soo.” Chanyeol stops because people are starting to stare at him. He gulps, face slowly turning red and ears slowly turning purple. At least now he has the awareness to feel shame. Maybe he’s starting to get his senses back. “I won’t force you to talk to me, but I’m really, really sorry for what happened.” Nothing. “I’ll wait for you to talk to me. When you’re ready, just come find me and we’ll talk.” Chanyeol fiddles with his fingers, waiting for the door to open. He sighs.

“I … Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Soo.” Chanyeol whispers. “I won’t worry you again. I’m fine now, really. You’re one of the greatest friends I have … I don’t want this to ruin it …”

“Uh … I have to go now. Try living, I mean.” He chuckles. “Goodbye.” Then he leaves.

He gives up, because he knows Kyungsoo is stubborn. He gives up, because now he’s finally starting to have motivation to live properly again, and that comes with a price – doing all the homework he had missed. He gives up, because he knows even if Kyungsoo is angry with him, Kyungsoo would want him to do his homework and become a better version of himself.

He takes a deep breath.

As he walks back to his room, determined to start anew, he promises himself and promises to the people who care about him that he’ll never let anything get him down again.

“Kyungsoo, please talk to me.” Kyungsoo is doing his homework when someone suddenly thumps on the door. It scared the out of him! He had been watching a horror movie the night earlier and still has the shivers thinking about it. “Kyungsoo, I know you’re in there.” Just like that, his fright leaves him, replaced by gentleness and anger.

He really wishes Chanyeol would just scram. He’s not ready to talk to Chanyeol yet. Eventually, the thumping stops. “I’m sorry, Soo.” The love of his life pleads. “I won’t force you to talk to me, but I’m really really sorry for what happened.”

I get it. Kyungsoo thinks, annoyed. I get it, so stop annoying me. Stop coming.

So far, Chanyeol comes by every day just to do this, to annoy the out of him. Truthfully, he can never forgive what Chanyeol had done to him. He can forget it ever happened, but he’s not ready to do that right now.

“I’ll wait for you to talk to me. When you’re ready, just come find me and we’ll talk.” When Chanyeol says that, Kyungsoo just knows he will do just that. He knows he’ll find Chanyeol, because he always does. He’s always the one that looks for Chanyeol. He accepts the fact that Chanyeol will never look at him that way, and he knows that more than anything else, which is why sometimes he wonders why he’s still holding on?

“I … Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Soo. I won’t worry you again. I’m fine now, really. You’re one of the greatest friends I have … I don’t want this to ruin it …” As each word rings in the air, Kyungsoo stands and steps towards the door, ready to open it, ready to let Chanyeol come in and apologise like a maniac, ready to take whatever Chanyeol has and then give him whatever he wants. Because Kyungsoo has always been like that. He’s always been someone who liked to see a happy smile on Chanyeol’s face. His hand hovers over the doorknob.

He lets it fall to his side.

Kyungsoo had cried when Chanyeol kissed him. He had cried himself to sleep, and he will admit that like the man he is. But he will never give Chanyeol any chances again. He won’t ever let Chanyeol play with his heart again, intentional or not.

He won’t ever cry in front of Chanyeol again. He won’t ever cry because of Chanyeol again.

“Uh … I have to go now. Try living, I mean.” Kyungsoo stops, blinking in surprise. Did he just hear that? That … strange motivation in Chanyeol’s voice that sounds so much like the Chanyeol he had fallen in love with?

“Goodbye.”

It’s only ten minutes after that word is uttered out does Kyungsoo reward himself with a sigh of relief.

And a small smile, knowing that Chanyeol will be back to himself soon.

Eventually, Kyungsoo is ready, and he doesn’t fail to let Chanyeol know that. The moment he’s ready, he barges in the room, finding Chanyeol studying for the first time in months.

“Chanyeol.” He says, voice firm and strong. Chanyeol jumps in his seat, turning around with wide eyes to find Kyungsoo standing there.

“…Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol stands abruptly, almost falling over in the first place. Kyungsoo can see that Chanyeol’s better already, the colour returning to his face, eyes wide and innocent but focused. As if he knows he has a purpose in this world.  Inside, Kyungsoo’s happy and glad.

“Stay where you are.” Kyungsoo says, feet ready to step backwards if Chanyeol doesn’t listen or understand. “It won’t take long.” Looking hurt, Chanyeol falls back on his chair.

“I’m … I’m really sorry, Soo.” Chanyeol mutters, looking dejected and guilty but in a much light-hearted fashion. “It was all my fault, and I won’t make any excuses.”

“I’m going to pretend it never happened.” Kyungsoo snaps. “And you’re going to pretend it never happened. And you’re going to tell Jungsoo to pretend it never happened.” Chanyeol nods like a kicked puppy.

“I am so done with you, Park Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo seethes. “I’ll never stop liking you, but I am so done with you.” Even at times like this, Chanyeol has the tendency to blush. He blinks so innocently and squirms slightly, and Kyungsoo loves it – loves that Chanyeol is looking active and restless again. More and more like his older self.

“I’ll never stop liking you, so –”

“And I’ll never stop liking him.” Chanyeol cuts in, voice barely a whisper. Kyungsoo stops talking and deflates, waiting for Chanyeol to explain. It doesn’t even hurt anymore because he’s so used to it. “That’s … that’s why I kissed you, Kyungsoo. I wanted Baekhyun to look at me. I wanted him to look at me and see me, but he was never able to do that.” Kyungsoo is silent. “And … I thought of how it’d feel, if he turned around and looked at me. Even if it’s just a glance.” Kyungsoo backs away, heart thumping. He knows what is coming, and he doesn’t want to want it.

“Will you … ever give Jongin a chance?” Chanyeol asks softly instead. Kyungsoo freezes, stunned and surprised ... a little disappointed. He takes a deep breath, and when he calms down, he shakes his head.

“I don’t think I’ll ever like him that way.” Kyungsoo says. “He’s like a little brother to me.”

“Oh.” Chanyeol looks as if he’s about to say more, and Kyungsoo wants to shut him up, but eventually Chanyeol stops and closes his mouth as if he knows Kyungsoo will scold him for continuing. His large eyes are bright as he looks at Kyungsoo properly for the first time, and Kyungsoo's heart rests knowing the man he fell in love with is back. “Do you think we’re friends now?” He asks hopefully. Then cracks a small grin. The smaller rolls his eyes.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Kyungsoo snaps, then turns away. Inside, he’s smiling. “We’ve always been friends.”