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160626 Sunday

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He can’t take in anything during class. All he’s thinking about is Baekhyun and where he is and how he is and who he’s with.

It’s no surprise who he’s with. Chanyeol just doesn’t know why.

Chanyeol’s been asking ‘why’ lately. Why Baekhyun couldn’t stay. Why Baekhyun wouldn’t talk to him. Why Baekhyun left their room. Why Baekhyun couldn’t love him back.

But every time it happens, he knows it better than anything else, and probably better than anyone else.

Joo Sung.

Baekhyun loves Joo Sung so much he’d do anything. Such love can be unhealthy, but if Joo Sung takes care of him well, then it would be a good thing, probably the best thing.

“Park Chanyeol?” His lecturer calls. Chanyeol breaks out of his trance to glance at his lecturer. “What should you do when a child has a toothache but would not come and see you?”

“Love.” Chanyeol whispers.

“What was that?”

“You give him love.” Chanyeol says softly. “You gotta love him so hard he knows he’ll always be safe in your hands. You gotta love him, because even though he doesn’t love you back, and probably never will, that’s what he needs so that’s what you’ll give him. Even if you fall too hard afterwards, even if he threatens to find someone else, you gotta love him so he’ll learn to trust.”

There is silence.

No one knows what the hell Park Chanyeol is talking about.

“Are you okay?” Someone mutters.

“This boy has watched too many dramas.” The lecturer announces. “Someone, take him to the nurse.”

 

 

                                                                                      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once, Chanyeol sees Baekhyun walking through the hallways, most probably to his next class. He rushes towards his roommate, wanting to talk to him, to apologise, to do anything to get Baekhyun to talk to him again. He pushes past people to get to him, nearly trips over in the process, but he doesn’t give up. He reaches out and grabs Baekhyun’s arm.

“Baek –” He starts, but Baekhyun wrenches his arm away from him.

“Don’t touch me.” He mutters.

“Baek, please –” Chanyeol just wants to talk to him. Whether as lovers or as friends or as ex-lovers or as enemies, he just wants to talk to Baekhyun.

But Baekhyun has disappeared among the crowd, leaving him alone. Like he’s adamant on pushing Chanyeol out of his life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Roommate? Where did Baek go?” Chen calls him, the very first topic has to be, of course, about Baekhyun. “I called him to tell him I wanted to pick up something from his bag, but he told me he moved out.”

“Did something happen between you?”

“He …” Talking about Baekhyun hurts. “He said a new friend came from far away, and he’s staying with him for the time being.”

“So … nothing happened?”

“Of course not.” Everything happened. Chanyeol doesn’t want to worry anyone. He’s sure Baekhyun doesn’t want that either. “He’s just meeting an old friend.”

“…Good.” Chen says eventually. “You know, I asked him the exact same thing, and he answered how you answered. I thought he might’ve been lying, which was why I tested you, so I’m guessing you’re both telling the truth?” Chanyeol laughs. Strange, how even though they’re separated and have no idea what each other’s thoughts are, they can still make up the same story and answer the same way. It’s so laughable.

“Yeah, of course.” Chanyeol laughs again.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” Chanyeol says softly. “Our minds are the same.”

“Huh?”

“Our minds are the same.” I just wish our hearts were the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This time, Chanyeol finds Baekhyun walking past their room.

With a speed he never knew he possessed, Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun by the wrist and pulls him in their room, then closes the door behind them.

“What the hell?!” Baekhyun sounds so annoyed, and Chanyeol tries not to let it get to him.

“Baek, we need to talk.” He pleads, leaning against the door so Baekhyun can’t get out. Realising that is the only way out, Baekhyun stands where he is, a frown on his lips. “I’ll let you go after I’m done. I promise.”

“Go.” Baekhyun sounds like he doesn’t want to see him, and Chanyeol’s heart breaks again. The smaller isn’t even looking him in the eye. Chanyeol laughs, trying to lighten things up.

“I … I know … I know you don’t want to see me …” He does everything in his power not to break down. “Because … I … Because I was always just a replacement for him …” He stares at the ground and hides his hands behind his back – they’re shaking. “But … But don’t feel guilty, Baek. Don’t push me away because of what happened.”

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything.

“I … It’s understandable, wh-what you did …” Chanyeol doesn’t even know what he’s saying anymore. “I don’t blame you.” He looks up a bit. Baekhyun is looking away, head turned to the side.

“W-We can pretend it never happened.” He’s sounding so stupid now, but he just wants Baekhyun to talk to him again. “We can pretend ‘we’ never happened.” It hurts so much to say this, because ‘we’ meant everything to him, but right now, Baekhyun means more.

“What are you saying?” Baekhyun sounds angry.  Chanyeol straightens his back and laughs again.

“I’m willing to forget everything that happened between us.” Chanyeol whispers, stepping forward, reaching out to grab Baekhyun’s hand. Baekhyun moves away. “We can even be enemies again. Just … don’t avoid me. Don’t ignore me.”

“Chanyeol.” Why does his heart still skip upon hearing Baekhyun call his name? He’s fighting a war he’s already lost. “Don’t.”

“Baekhyun, please –” Chanyeol reaches out to grab his ex again, but Baekhyun moves away swiftly. Chanyeol grabs thin air instead, clutching around nothing.

“Don’t.” Baekhyun’s voice is stronger now. “Pretend I don’t exist. Don’t look for me again.” Then as quick as lightning, Baekhyun is at the door.

“I know you don’t love me, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol’s voice is loud now, blurted out like he has nothing else. Baekhyun stops. “I know you never loved me … I thought you did, but you don’t. And … I’m okay with that.” I’m not. “I just – I … I … I want you to be happy.” Chanyeol had been so close to say ‘I love you’. The words are on the tip of his tongue, ready to slip, but he catches them just in time, mostly because it’s pathetic to say it. It’s useless, because it makes it harder for Baekhyun. It makes it harder for both of them. Also because it’s never worked before.

Baekhyun is frozen at the door. Chanyeol wants so badly to hug him, to hold him, to kiss him, but instead he’s standing alone on the other side of the room, body cold and hands empty.

Then Baekhyun opens the door and slams it behind him, with no word, with no comfort.

With nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol gives up going classes.

He gives up getting out of the room at all, mostly because he doesn’t want to bump into Baekhyun. He doesn’t want to find Baekhyun knowing that he can’t talk to him. Because Baekhyun doesn’t want to talk to him.

“Pretend I don’t exist.”

Is pretending supposed to ease the pain? Is pretending going to solve all problems?

Chanyeol’s been pretending that they haven’t broken up, but it hurts so much more. It hurts pretending because people only pretend to have something they don’t.

Chanyeol is sitting on his chair, staring into space. Doing that is already tiring for him. He doesn’t think he can manage eating or studying for that matter.

The silence is comforting, but at the same time it’s drowning him, drowning what sanity he has left. He could never understand why people fell so hard after heartbreak. He thought it was no big deal until he met Baekhyun. After he met Baekhyun, he wanted to understand.

And now he does.

But not like this. He never wanted to understand like this.

“Park Chanyeol!” Kyungsoo shouts as he barges in for the very first time ever since he barged in and found the two roommates kissing last year. Somehow, everything leads back to Baekhyun. “Why the hell are you here and not in class?”

“Kyungsoo.” He greets weakly. Kyungsoo’s face falls from angry to concerned as he closes the door quietly, walking over to Chanyeol and bending down, staring up at him.

“You’re not sick, Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo says quietly. “But this isn’t a normal thing, is it?” Chanyeol doesn’t respond. Instead, he stares into space.

“This isn’t about Baekhyun, is it?” His heart pangs with pain at the name. “Because I told him not to hurt you –”

“We’re fine.” Chanyeol replies quietly. Why is he still pretending? “We’re fine.” Kyungsoo stares at him worriedly and seems to freeze in his place. There is conflict in his eyes, the same sort of conflict that Chanyeol had seen in Baekhyun’s eyes a few days ago, an expression he’s beginning to hate. Then he feels a hand close in over his own.

“Friends can hold hands, right?” Kyungsoo asks, breaking into a smile. Chanyeol closes his eyes, trying to forget who had said that last. Kyungsoo’s hand in his feels so different, but it’s warm and comforting as the smaller squeezes.

“Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol gasps softly. Somehow, the sobbing spasms are back and he’s shaking again. “Kyungsoo.”

“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo’s voice is concerned, full of the love that Chanyeol had wanted Baekhyun to bear for him. It’s cruel and selfish to think like that, and horrible to think about Kyungsoo that way, but he can’t help it. It’s as if he pulled himself into a tornado and he’ll never get out. Chanyeol takes a deep breath, but says nothing. His heart is so full of Baekhyun that even when he closes his eyes, he can see Baekhyun’s smile. Why did he fall so hard?

Next, he feels arms squeeze around him, hugging him tightly. Surprised, Chanyeol opens his eyes. Kyungsoo is hugging him, pulling him to his chest. Kyungsoo’s hand is on the back of his head, letting him lean on his shoulder.

“Whatever you’re going through, it’ll be over soon.” Kyungsoo says softly. Chanyeol shuts his eyes tightly, body trembling, wanting to cry but his eyes are dry. “Okay? You’ll be fine, Chanyeol. You’ll be fine.”

It’s Kyungsoo that’s holding him. It’s Kyungsoo that’s saying all this to him. It’s Kyungsoo that’s ing loving him. But Chanyeol can only wish it was someone else.

Love was many things, Chanyeol once said. Love can be many things.

He never expected to experience the cruelty of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Chanyeol.” Jongin stops Chanyeol by the hallway, once he’s recovered a little more sense. Chanyeol forces a smile.

“Hey.”

“Where’s your boyfriend, man?” Jongin strains his neck. “He’s avoiding me.” Chanyeol’s smile slips off. Jongin doesn’t notice, because he’s looking around.

“I mean, not only me.” He continues. “He’s been avoiding just about everyone, except you and Chen, of course.” Jongin raises his eyebrow when Chanyeol splutters. “Don’t give me that , Yeol. I saw you two in the garden a few hours ago.”

Chanyeol wants to blink like he always does when he hears something surprising or confusing. He wants to look dumb and not know anything. But instead, his heart only aches because Baekhyun is even hanging out with Joo Sung at school.

“By the way, where’d you get the cap from?” Jongin sounds interested. “I want to buy one for Sehunnie’s birthday next year.”

“Uh …” Chanyeol trails off into silence. He doesn’t even know what the cap looks like.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s up with him?” Jongin asks, inching closer. He seems genuinely curious. Maybe it’s because Baekhyun is still keeping in contact with people so he’s not worried. “Huh?”

“I … I can’t.” Chanyeol says softly. He talks softly nowadays, because he’s afraid if he finds strength in his voice, it’ll break. “I can’t, Jongin.”

“Oh.” Jongin frowns, then leans backwards and out of Chanyeol’s personal space. “Oh, okay.”

“He’ll … he’ll tell you when he’s ready.” Chanyeol whispers. He’ll tell everyone when he’s ready. The taller stumbles backwards, unable to talk about his ex-boyfriend anymore.

Running away …

That’s become a habit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And maybe when he’s ready…

He’ll come back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol eventually returns to classes with the nagging of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, who, despite knowing Chanyeol has no mood to do anything, drags him to classes and drags him to meals. He doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t say anything, but he takes Chanyeol to places he’s supposed to be and accompanies him almost always.

“I’m fine on my own, Soo. Don’t worry.” Chanyeol whispers.

“No.” Kyunggsoo insists. “What if I leave you alone? You’re going to think bad thoughts again.” Chanyeol doesn’t say anything.

“Can we … can we stay in the room?” Chanyeol asks. “At least? I … don’t feel like going anywhere else.” Kyungsoo stares at him for a long time, then gives in.

“Fine.” He mutters, letting Chanyeol lead him back to his room. The truth is, Chanyeol doesn’t want to confuse people. If everyone else sees Baekhyun with Joo Sung, they’ll think he’s with Chanyeol, so Chanyeol doesn’t want to ruin that. He doesn’t want people to find out the truth, because he doesn’t want everyone to know that he had always just been a replacement to Baekhyun.

“Let’s watch a movie!” Kyungsoo says, smiling as he pulls Chanyeol’s laptop towards the front. “That’s okay with you, isn’t it?” Chanyeol nods absentmindedly.

“Chanyeol, you can’t keep going like this, you know?” Kyungsoo sighs when he passes the laptop to Chanyeol. “I know something happened between you and Baekhyun. Can’t you just sort it out?” Chanyeol mutes. The horrible thing is, it’s already sorted. Chanyeol was just an extra.

“It’s fine, Soo.” He says.

“If he sees us together, do you think he’ll get jealous?” Kyungsoo chuckles. “Then maybe you’ll make up.”

“It’s … It’s not like that.” Chanyeol croaks. His bottom lip trembles. Now Chanyeol would be thrilled if Baekhyun even cared about looking at him.

After all, love is all about having eyes for one person only. At least, that’s what Chanyeol believes. He knows Baekhyun believes the same thing, because they both have the same minds.

Whether it’s intentional or not, Baekhyun will only look at Joo Sung and no one else, just like how Chanyeol will only look at Baekhyun and no one else.

Just like how … Kyungsoo will only look at Chanyeol and no one else.

He hates it, hates how love twists things and twists people, twists relationships and twists feelings. He hates it, because love always leaves more people hanging than it leaves people together and content.

“It’s an action movie.” Kyungsoo says, putting the disc in. “I’m sure you’ll love it.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know that as he’s staring at the screen intently, Chanyeol’s looking into space, thinking of someone whose name is too painful for him to say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Make sure you eat your sandwich.” Kyungsoo says.

“Yeah. Yeah, I will.” Chanyeol whispers. “Thanks.” Then Kyungsoo hangs up on him.  Chanyeol heaves a huge sigh as he puts his phone back in his pocket. Then opens the door to his room.

The first thing he sees is pair of shoes next to his own. His heart skips hopefully. Could it be?

Chanyeol looks up, finding a bag on the ground, unpacked. That’s when he hears the shower running.

His heart swells.

Baekhyun is back.

He takes a deep breath, not knowing what to do as he sits down on his bed. How does he talk to Baekhyun? How does he apologise?

He doesn’t get the chance to think about it, because the bathroom door opens.

And someone else walks out.

“WHAT THE ?!” Chanyeol stands up and roars. It takes a while for him to notice after his rage that it’s someone he recognises.

Baekhyun’s young bodyguard who had a crush on him. Jungsoo.

“Hi!” The boy says cheerfully as he steps towards Chanyeol. “I’m your new roommate. I’m Jungsoo –”

“I ing know who you are.” Chanyeol growls, his voice fading as he collapses back onto his bed. Why? Why does every ing thing have to remind him of Baekhyun? Jungsoo retreats his hand and shoves it in his pocket.

“Get out.” Chanyeol says softly.

“What? No, I told you, I’m living here –”

“You can’t ing take Baekhyun’s place.” Chanyeol cuts in. “Baekhyun’s not a replacement. He’ll … never be replaced.”  Jungsoo stares at him, silent.

“Look, man…” He eventually starts. “I mean, the world’s not over, you know? He … he found someone else, so what? Get yourself together.”

“I can’t.” Chanyeol’s voice breaks. “It’s goddamn crazy, but I just know. I know I won’t ever love anyone else like I loved him.” He doesn’t know why he’s talking about this to someone he hardly knows – someone who was so close to being his love rival last year. Jungsoo watches him quietly, being a better listener than Chanyeol has ever given him credit for.

“There’ll be a time when you have to make decisions, Chanyeol.” Jungsoo says. “Everyone in their lives, at one point at least, will have to make an important decision. The decision will be the hardest one they’ll ever have to make. Baekhyun made his. Now you have to make yours.”

“I already did.” Chanyeol whispers. “Even if he didn’t choose me, I choose him. I’ll always choose him.”

Silence.

“Don’t think of me as Baekhyun’s bodyguard.” Jungsoo says eventually as he stands up, after moments of silence. “I quit that job. I … I just want to go back to school, to study.” Chanyeol doesn’t respond. Jungsoo sighs. “Well, since we’re roommates, I’ll tell you now. I never finished school because I had to do training to tone up and everything. Now I decided I miss being a normal kid, so I’m here.” Once again, Chanyeol doesn’t reply.

“Let’s … Let’s not talk about him, okay?” Jungsoo says softly. “Let’s not build our friendship through him.”

“What friendship.” Chanyeol mutters, tone hostile as he turns away and flips open his book. “As if I want to be friends with you.”

Jungsoo chuckles.

“I heard from … Jongin, I think his name was, that you like it when your dongsaengs call you hyung?” Jungsoo asks. “Let’s start on a good page, hyung?”

Chanyeol doesn’t reply.

“That jerk lied to me…” Jungsoo mutters.

“You made friends already?” Chanyeol asks gruffly. Jungsoo grins.

“Yeah. Jongin showed me the way along with Chen-hyung.” Chanyeol doesn’t reply. Chanyeol doesn’t talk to him for the rest of the day, as if lost in his thoughts. Thinking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Days without Baekhyun is slowly killing him inside.

It’s like Baekhyun is a drug that he can’t pull away from. Days without seeing Baekhyun hurts him, and days without talking to Baekhyun makes him ache. Now he just wants to be able to see Baekhyun, even if it means never being able to touch him again. Baekhyun is on his phone, the phone that contains so many memories of the two of them. He can just tap on his screen once and he’ll be able to hear Baekhyun’s voice, but he doesn’t do that, because it hurts.

He hasn’t looked through their old messages because it hurts.

It hurts both ways.

Fate happens when he’s walking through the school grounds during break and finds Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s sitting with Joo Sung again, and they’re laughing about something, hands clasped tightly together. Chanyeol swallows his feelings and lowers his head, hoping that people don’t see two look-a-likes at the same place at the same time

Eventually, he peeks over his books at the two of them. Baekhyun still looks so beautiful. Chanyeol wants to hold him so badly, to hear his voice, to see him smile.

He watches Baekhyun bid Joo Sung goodbye, then leave. Chanyeol closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, taking in the strawberries and honey. He can smell Baekhyun. Baekhyun just walked past him.

Without opening his eyes, he reaches out and grabs an arm – the arm that he longs to touch. He opens his eyes to look at the love of his life – not into his eyes, because he’s afraid now of what expression they would hold.

“Baekhyun.” He whispers. He stares at Baekhyun’s neck instead, sees how milky and soft it looks. It’s not even intentional, but he remembers all those times he had pressed his lips to it. “Baekhyun.” It hurts to say his name, but Chanyeol wants to say it. , he wants to scream it.

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, and in Chanyeol’s line of vision, he can see Baekhyun’s frown. Instead, Baekhyun throws his arm off Chanyeol’s grip and walks away, without a word to him.

Why can’t Baekhyun just talk to him? Chanyeol gave him what he wanted. Chanyeol set him free. So why can’t Baekhyun just let his heart rest?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somehow, after that scene, Chanyeol sees them together more and more, hanging out in places Chanyeol used to hang out in with Baekhyun. It makes him laugh almost, thinking about how similar they look to himself and Baekhyun, and how fitting their environment is to themselves. It’s stupid, and it’s not even intentional, but Fate probably wants him to feel the cruellest heartbreak, almost always making him bump into them. Him. Them. That’s what it’s become.

If any of his friends realise, he doesn’t know, and nor does he care, because he’s spending most of his time in his room now, whether Jungsoo is there or not. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to someone else being his roommate instead of Baekhyun, doesn’t think he can ever get used to those silent nights without Baekhyun’s sleeping noises.

Sometimes he thinks he’s gone crazy, coming back and then smelling the scent of strawberries in the air. Sometimes he thinks he’s gone crazy, during sleepless nights when he thinks he hears Baekhyun’s voice, calling out his name.

They look so happy, from where Chanyeol sees it, as happy as Chanyeol could imagine being if he had Baekhyun all to himself. And he can’t help thinking that he was always just a shadow, just someone who held Baekhyun down from being with his true love.

He knows he should be cheerful, because after all, he had always been a cheerful person. But now, he finds it so hard to find something positive. Even little things like Kyungsoo’s kindness and Jungsoo’s silliness can’t make him smile anymore.

“All right, Chanyeol.” Jongin barges in one day, anger on his face. “What the has gotten into you and Baekhyun?” Chanyeol doesn’t say anything – there’s nothing left to say.

“Why the hell are you guys never with us anymore?” Jongin sounds so concerned. “And Kyungsoo too. What the hell has gotten into you guys?”

“We …” Chanyeol starts. Jongin is watching him, wanting to squeeze the answer out of him, even if it’s the last thing he does. “We … We broke up.”

Jongin’s face falls.

“What?” Jongin croaks. “When was this?”

“I don’t know …” Chanyeol chuckles. “A few weeks back?”

“Why the did you not tell us?” Jongin sounds angry and sorry and guilty. “It doesn’t ruin the mood on the table, you know that.” Jongin bites his lip. “Also, you never had to pretend for us, you know? In the gardens and . You could’ve just told us –”

“It’s not me he’s with.” Chanyeol whispers.

“Then who is it?” Jongin blinks, surprised. “I mean, I swear it was you, because hardly anyone has your height and your body shape –”

“He … looks like me.” Chanyeol says softly. Jongin has to lean closer to hear him. “I was only a shadow.”

“What the does that mean?” Jongin sounds impatient. “Chanyeol, I –”

“Please, don’t talk about it anymore.” Chanyeol looks down at his fingers and grins. “It’s over.”

“Chanyeol …” Jongin feels at a loss for what to do. He inches closer, hand hesitantly moving up to touch Chanyeol’s shoulder. “You know … you know I’m here for you, right?”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol chuckles. It’s not you I need. “I know.”

“I’ll talk to Baek –”

“No.” Chanyeol cuts in. “No. Just … let him be. He’s fine, I promise.” Jongin’s hand is heavy on his shoulder, but a little comforting.

“I don’t know what the happened between you guys.” Jongin says, almost angrily. “This is so goddamn stupid. There’s always something strange going on between the two of you. I’m always so in the dark.”

“This is the last thing.” Chanyeol whispers softly. “It’s the last thing that’s going to happen between us. Nothing’s going to happen again.” He feels Jongin’s stare on him, but he’s too ed out to care. Right now, he doesn’t care about anything else but Baekhyun anymore. It’s crazy how quickly someone can be your whole world, such that you forget to live when they’re gone.

And Chanyeol’s well aware of that. Chanyeol’s well aware his happiness is locked up somewhere in his heart, well aware that he’s not really living and moving forward. He just doesn’t know how to break out of this phase.

Phase …

He wants to laugh at how stupid that word is, at how light-hearted it seemed last year, where Chanyeol didn’t know a thing and didn’t know how to love.

“Just … I’m fine, Jongin.” Chanyeol reassures softly. “Just promise me … don’t talk to Baekhyun unless he talks to you first. Okay?” Jongin stares at him, worried. “He’ll talk to you when he’s ready.”

Jongin looks hesitant at first, but eventually he nods.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin’s never seen Chanyeol look so bad before.

It’s not as if Chanyeol got himself punched or stabbed or anything. Chanyeol doesn’t look hurt physically.

But somehow, he looks bad. There is a horrible expression in his eyes, as if he doesn’t care about the world anymore, and that terrifies Jongin more than anything.

Chanyeol talks so brokenly, talks as if he can never be happy again. It terrifies Jongin, because Jongin knows Chanyeol is known for having so much positivity, for finding the light beneath endless darkness. It scares Jongin, because Chanyeol … doesn’t seem like the Chanyeol he knows.

When Chanyeol laughs, he sounds so sad. It sounds as if he’s trying to reassure Jongin, but instead, it makes Jongin feel even more worried.

What’s worse is Chanyeol can be reduced to this, depressed and unwilling to interact with anyone, because of love. Because he loves Baekhyun so much.

Jongin sees it now. He sees how much Chanyeol loves Baekhyun that, even though it seems as if Baekhyun had been the one who hurt and abandoned him, Chanyeol still wants Baekhyun happy and comfortable.

Jongin doesn’t get it.

He doesn’t get that dedication, that loyalty. One of his best friends had done the wrong thing, and the other is heartbroken, and the heartbroken one wants the other to have happiness. Just what the is up with them?

Jongin doesn’t get it.

Jongin doesn’t think he’ll ever have the maturity to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Jungsoo…” Chanyeol calls out weakly when the younger enters.

“Hm?” Jungsoo’s eyes are wide and innocent.

“Do you … You’re his friend, right?”

“Uh … whose?” Jungsoo blinks in confusion. Chanyeol takes a deep breath, then lets it out shakily.

“Baekhyun’s.” His voice is quiet. Jungsoo frowns.

“Yeah…?”

“Where is he living now?” Chanyeol asks. “Where is he staying? Do you know?”

“I…” Jungsoo looks around the room.

“You know, don’t you?” Chanyeol stands. “Tell me. Please tell me.”

“You’re not gonna look for him, are you?” Jungsoo asks him suspiciously. Chanyeol shakes his head, stumbling towards him. Surprised, Jungsoo moves away.

“.” Jungsoo breathes. “Look, hyung, I-I have something to do. I’ll … I’ll be back, okay?” Without waiting for Chanyeol to reply, Jungsoo flies out of there.

Heartbroken, Chanyeol settles down onto his bed. He misses Baekhyun. He misses him so badly. He wants him back. Shaking, he takes out his phone, typing his password in with one finger, watching as his screen comes into view. He swipes the screen, taps on it, then taps on it again. His heart swells when he scrolls through his gallery, seeing as secret pictures he took of Baekhyun when he’s sure the other’s not looking float up along with other random photos. Chanyeol’s heart twists – this is all he has of Baekhyun now.

Heart thumping, he taps on a video and presses play.

“All right! This is reporter Chanyeol speaking. Interviewing Byun Baekhyun. Baekhyun, how do you feel today to be on Namsan on your birthday?” The Baekhyun in the video is eating a potato swirl so cutely.

“This is so stupid…” Baekhyun’s voice is in there, so soft.

“Baekhyun, Baekhyun! Tell us how you feel today to be on such a beautiful place on your birthday.” He watches, almost smiling when Baekhyun rolls his eyes, head subtly tilted as he eyes his surroundings.

“It feels great. This place is really nice, and – … huh?” Baekhyun blinks and he does so, so cutely. Chanyeol smiles, his pained heart healing a little. Baekhyun is still blinking, but eventually the smaller steps closer in such a way that Chanyeol has truly captured his adorable features, eyes blinking innocently as he looks up from the camera at Chanyeol, holding his potato swirl up. He looks so cute like that. Chanyeol wonders why he’s never re-watched this before. Then he’s stepping back and the Chanyeol in the video interviews him again.

But Chanyeol only wants to watch that scene.

He rewinds, body curling into himself as he holds the phone on his knees, watching with a shrunk figure. Strangely, he feels his vision burning when he sees Baekhyun up close again, his expression clueless as he waits for the taller to speak in the video. When the part is over, Chanyeol rewinds again, and again, and again, and again.

Chanyeol sniffs.

Then hot tears come rolling out and down his cheeks, as naturally as the falling of leaves in autumn. Somehow, he feels less pained, less numb, from watching this video. Just like that, it’s become the most precious thing he possesses.

Everything reminded him of Baekhyun, but seeing the real Baekhyun somewhere, whether it be just a photo or a video, makes everything feel a little bit better than it is.

Even though the tears blur his vision, he continues watching, blinking them away furiously as he rewinds and rewinds and rewinds. And rewinds. And rewinds.

A few hours later, Jungsoo returns. His eyes widen when he finds his roommate sitting on the ground into a ball, as if shrinking himself from the world.

“Hyung?” He asks nervously. Chanyeol ignores him, as if he can’t hear him, and his puffy eyes seem to be focused on something. “…Hyung?” Again, no reply.

Jungsoo slowly creeps towards where his hyung is, eyes widening when he sees the older pressing at a certain place over and over again, watching the repeats of the same scene.

He sighs.

“…Baekhyun is living with Joo.” Jungsoo says quietly. As if just noticing him, Chanyeol flinches, his phone clattering to the ground, looking up. Jungsoo winces – Chanyeol’s eyes are dark and tired but also red and puffy. “He moved in with him.”

“…Oh.” Jungsoo swears he hears something break. Chanyeol stands on wobbly feet after grabbing his phone, and then stumbles out.

“Hey … hey!” Jungsoo calls after him, but Chanyeol leaves without even bothering to close the door behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Chanyeol, where are you?” Jongin’s voice sounds panicked. Chanyeol’s brain is too fried to care. He takes another swig of the bottle, dunking the burning liquid down his throat. His head is thumping along with the loud music. It’s too loud.

“Haha …” Chanyeol puts down his bottle and grabs another one. He hiccups. “It’s not ‘Chanyeol’, Jongjong …” He hiccups again. “You gotta … ressssspect your elderrrs …” The bottle opens with a ‘pop!’ and Chanyeol puts it to his lips again.

“Why is it so loud over there?” Jongin is shouting now. “Chanyeol, where are you?”

“M’hyung…” Chanyeol replies, slightly annoyed at how his words come off as slurred. “Call me hyung!!”

“…Hyung, where are you?” Jongin asks. Chanyeol laughs loudly.

“WHAT IS THAT?” He shouts suddenly. Hiccup. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“…A bar?” Jongin seems to be talking to someone else. Chanyeol is offended. “We’re coming.”

“Leave me alone!” Chanyeol shouts. “You’re crap friennnnnd … if you … (hiccup) dun leave me alone …”

“This is not funny, Chanyeol. You can’t go back when you’re drunk.”

“M’not drunnnk!” Chanyeol hiccups. “An’ … an’ … (hiccup) … call me hyung!”

“Which bar are you at?” Jongin asks. Chanyeol laughs.

“It’s a … it’s a seeeeeecret.” He hiccups. “M’hanging up on you … you err.” Chanyeol taps a button.

“Chanyeol, stay where you are –”

“Hm? That’s not righ’…” Chanyeol mumbles to himself as he taps another button again. He giggles. “Found it!” Then he presses it again, and the call ends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…” Jongin paces around the room worriedly. Jungsoo is sitting on the chair, staring into nothing. “Why didn’t you stop him?!”

“I … I didn’t know where he would go …” Jungsoo mutters.

“!” Jongin grabs his hair. He’s never felt so agitated before. “That idiot better stay where he is, I ing swear …”

“It’s because he loves him too much.” Jungsoo whispers quietly. Jongin stops moving and turns around to look at Jungsoo. “You know, when I came back in, he was watching a video with him in it … replaying the same scene over and over again …” Jongin quietens, his heart twisting for Chanyeol.

Just what the hell happened?

Why can’t he just ing know for once?

Jongin’s worried, because Chanyeol has had his ups and downs. Chanyeol has had times when he felt depressed but got back on his own two feet. Chanyeol has had times where he felt depressed and it was harder to get back on his feet, but he had endured it anyway and got back on his feet. When Jongin saw Chanyeol’s heartbroken eyes, he believed that his best friend would get back on his own two feet eventually – it would just take some time.

But he never knew Chanyeol would resort to this. A ing fake tool to momentarily take his pain away.

Jongin calls again after Chanyeol had hung up, worried. He paces again. No answer. He calls again. No answer. He calls again.

“What?” Chanyeol’s voice is slurred. He sounds annoyed.

“We’re gonna bring you back home.” Jongin swallows, throat suddenly dry. “Kyungsoo’s coming.”

“I don’t want to go back!” Chanyeol’s voice is whiny and barely audible over the loud, thumping music. “I don’t want to go back there!”

“Why not?” Jongin is tired, but his best friend’s safety comes first. “Chanyeol, stop pushing me away –”

“I’ll block you!” Chanyeol threatens. “I’ll … I’ll in’ block you so … I don’t have to hear you goddamn voice! Gosh, isso annoying …”

“Wait! Hyung …” Jongin cuts in, trying to drag out the time. “Hyung, tell me why. Tell me why you don’t want to go back, then I’ll hang up. Then I’ll let you block me. Okay?” Chanyeol is silent on the other line even when the music changes.

“My room … our room …” Chanyeol sounds like a puppy now, a hurt puppy. “It reminds me … everything reminds me of him …” Jongin glances at Jungsoo, who looks just as sorry.

“Hey, how about I let you sleep at my place tonight?” Jongin asks gently. Or he could stay at Kyungsoo’s, but no ing way was Jongin going to let that happen. “Hm? I’ll let you sleep on my bed.” Silence.

“… Really?”  For the first time, Chanyeol’s voice sounded more normal than it ever has in weeks. “You’d do that? For me?”

“Of course, buddy.” Jongin chuckles, heart sighing in relief that Chanyeol hasn’t rejected him. “Tell us where you’re at, yeah? And we’ll bring you back. And you can sleep on my bed. And use my blankets. And I’ll bring your clothes and everything for you, if you want.”

“……” Chanyeol doesn’t talk for so long that for a moment Jongin fears the taller has passed out. “…Luxion.”

“Luxion?” Jongin repeats. “Okay, hyung. You can hang up and block me now.” He waits, and eventually Chanyeol hangs up. He calls Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo picks up before the first ring ends.

“I think I found it.” Kyungsoo sounds breathless, as if he had been running. “This is the only bar that’s left.”

“Yeah.” Jongin says. “Chanyeol just told me which one, it’s L –”

“Luxion, right?” Kyungsoo is still panting. “This idiot. Going to the dodgiest bar around our area. I’m going in.”

“Be careful, yeah?” Jongin asks worriedly.

“I’ll be fine.” Kyungsoo’s voice is gruff, and he hangs up. Jongin’s heart is thumping painfully. He hates it. He hates how worried and concerned Kyungsoo sounds. He hates how Kyungsoo would run all over the place and look up and down for someone that’s not him. He hates how Kyungsoo is willing to go to places where people drink and smoke and have , the three things that Kyungsoo hates the most, just for Chanyeol.

He grips his phone so tightly that Jungsoo notices.

“Don’t worry.” Jungsoo says cheerfully. “I’m sure Kyungsoo will bring him out just fine. Chanyeol will be fine.”

Jongin says nothing. Jungsoo has misunderstood the whole thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You idiot!” A voice shouts in his ear and wakes him up from his half-asleep state. He lifts his head, drowsy and dizzy, and he finds large angry eyes glaring at him. “Let’s go back now.”

“No!” Chanyeol pushes Kyungsoo away, suddenly afraid, even though he had already promised Jongin he would go back. He’s afraid Kyungsoo and Jongin will lie, and they’ll drag him back to the place where he’s hurting the most. “No, Soo … leave me alone, please …” He pleads, voice cracking, hands clasped together as he shakes it, emphasising his plea. To Jongin it might work. To anyone else it might work.

But not Kyungsoo.

“I’m taking you home.” Kyungsoo’s voice is firm. His frown is deeper than usual, and he sounds impatient, as if he doesn’t want to be anywhere near this place. “Come on.”

“No …” Chanyeol pleads. “Please … I don’t want … I dun …”

“You want to end up sleeping here?” Kyungsoo shouts, furious. “Who knows what they’d do to you if you stayed here? Are you ing going up against me?” Kyungsoo sounds so angry that Chanyeol shuts his mouth, head bowed in meekness and surrender.

“Soo…”

“, I don’t want to stay here any moment longer.” Kyungsoo’s voice is strained. “So hurry the up and lean on me, because I’m not leaving until I drag your ing out of here.” Obediently, Chanyeol reaches out, letting cold hands hold him. When Chanyeol stands, he understands why Kyungsoo wanted to hold him. Without Kyungsoo, Chanyeol would fall flat on the floor.

Kyungsoo grunts, and they start walking towards the exit.

“You’re so tiny …” Chanyeol mumbles. “… I … might squish you.”

“You’re such a goddamn ing idiot.” Kyungsoo hisses, doing everything in his power to take Chanyeol out of that horrible place. “When you get back, you better sit your fat down in your room and not leave there unless Jongin, Jungsoo, or I take you out. Understand?”

“Dun … take me back there, please …” Chanyeol whimpers, head burying into Kyungsoo’s neck. “I dun wanna go back …” Kyungsoo is silent. They’re out in the open now, the warm night air making Kyungsoo breathe.

“Then we’ll find you somewhere else to sleep.” Kyungsoo is gentle now, all the anger and swear words gone from his lips. “Okay? We won’t take you back there unless you want to.”

“Yeah …” Chanyeol mutters, seemingly content. Kyungsoo’s heart skips when the older nuzzles his neck. “That’d be nice.”

“Look at you.” Kyungsoo sighs when he’s too out of breath, and he lets Chanyeol fall onto a bench. Panting, he collapses next to the taller. “Don’t ruin yourself over something like this, Chanyeol. It’s love. Love is meant to hurt, but love is not meant to destroy.” Chanyeol is silent, eyes half-lidded as they stare into space.

“You worried us so much.” Kyungsoo whispers. “If you’re in pain, talk to us. Don’t go off by yourself and do stupid things.” Once again, Chanyeol doesn’t reply.

“It’s love, what do you expect?” Kyungsoo whispers. He sounds like he’s talking to himself now. “It’s love … and love is supposed to give you strength to keep going. Whether he loves you or not, Chanyeol, you gotta remember that as long as you love him, you gotta strengthen yourself, so when the day comes, you can protect him.” Just like how I want to protect you.

“If you love him a lot, protect him.” Kyungsoo continues. “Protect him with your strength, and don’t waste your energy away. Love him and protect him and watch him from afar, so if he ever needs someone, you’ll be there.”

Chanyeol doesn’t reply. Chanyeol doesn’t reply for a long time.

Chanyeol doesn’t reply at all.

Instead, he begins snoring. When Kyungsoo hears the soft sounds, he flushes in embarrassment. What the hell did he just say?

“Crap.” He mutters, realising his situation. He dials a number and presses the phone to his ear.

“Jongin. Get Jungsoo and your here to help me take Chanyeol back. He’s fallen asleep. We’re not far from Luxion.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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