160619 Sunday

“Baekkie.”

How? How can this man, who had seemed like a fairy tale from such a long time ago, pop up right in front of them, as if nothing had happened?

He’s smiling sadly and kindly at Baekhyun, looking so handsome – more handsome than Chanyeol ever will be.

Rage rises inside him a little too late, but quicker than he realises what has happened. Somehow, all the hurt that Baekhyun had felt and expressed surfaces and he just wants to goddamn punch the out of this guy before he can even question how he’s here and why he’s here.

He stands, ready to hurt, but then a hand settles on his shoulder.

As quickly as it had come, the fury is gone and he’s back to his old self. He turns to Baekhyun, watches the smaller shake his head warningly at him. They’ve always had a power to communicate without words, like now, and Chanyeol freezes in his place.

“Stay here. I’ll talk to him.” Baekhyun whispers.

“What about class?” It’s a stupid excuse, but he can’t leave Baekhyun alone with that er. Feelings of rage and unease twist and turn inside his stomach, and every cell in his body wants to ignore Baekhyun’s wish and throw himself at that er, but Baekhyun has always been level-headed.

And Chanyeol has always wanted to give Baekhyun what he wants.

“You go.” Baekhyun says, straightening his back as he faces Joo Sung. Chanyeol is ready to stand with him, but Baekhyun’s hand holds him firm. “Trust me.” Chanyeol blinks in surprise – Baekhyun has never said that before. Chanyeol sees how tense he is, how the smile is wiped off from his face. He watches as Baekhyun walks towards that bastard and past him, down to the rose bushes. Chanyeol grits his teeth, doing everything in his power not to follow even as his look-a-like follows Baekhyun.

I’ll stay here and watch. That way, he can’t hurt him. Chanyeol thinks to himself eventually, crossing his arms as he looks outwards. Baekhyun is staring at Joo Sung in the face, not showing a hint of meekness. Joo Sung seems to glance over at him a lot, and Chanyeol wonders what they’re talking about.

Probably asking about why he looks exactly like me. Chanyeol thinks to himself eventually, huffing in annoyance. As if I want to ing look like you, you er! Chanyeol wants to go and stay by Baekhyun’s side, to show him that even though he had faced Joo Sung alone last time, this time he will face that bastard with someone by his side.

Now that he can see Joo Sung, he finds that the older man seems to look a lot like him, except his hair is grown out and tied into a ponytail. Chanyeol’s sure, if the man were to hide his hair in a cap, no one would be able to tell the difference between the two of them, unless they look closely.

Joo Sung steps towards Baekhyun, and Chanyeol stands, ready to sprint, but Baekhyun moves away, arm reaching out to stop the older, and the older complies, gently. Chanyeol bites his lip, caught between wanting to pull Baekhyun away and wanting to punch the out of that guy before telling him never to look for Baekhyun again. Chanyeol stops himself though, because Baekhyun wanted him to trust him.

Trust me.

It was something Baekhyun had never said to anyone. Baekhyun had never expected or wanted anyone to trust him because he never trusted anyone in return. And now, Baekhyun’s asking him to do it.

Even though it’s something small, Chanyeol wants to fulfil it.

He does trust Baekhyun. He just doesn’t trust that er.

Joo Sung leans towards Baekhyun, as if kissing his cheek, then he smiles charmingly and leaves. Chanyeol feels a mixture of emotions – confusion, fury, anger, rage, anything to do with wanting to punch the ing lights out of that man.

“What was that?” Chanyeol asks, trying to restrain his voice as Baekhyun walks back towards him. The smaller isn’t looking at him.

“Let’s go.” He says, voice distant as he walks away, leaving Chanyeol confused, angry and hurt.

Baekhyun doesn’t talk much to him for the next few days. Chanyeol tries to talk to him, but Baekhyun either replies curtly or doesn’t reply at all. When Chanyeol reaches out to touch him, to hold him, maybe wanting to comfort him from whatever he’s feeling, Baekhyun would pull away, or he wouldn’t react at all. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do.

He’ll get over it. He’s only a little shocked. Chanyeol tells himself, trying to cheer himself up. I’ll just show him I still care.

It’s on the seventh night when he dreams of Baekhyun being kidnapped by Joo Sung again, Joo Sung’s evil laugh but kind face appearing in his mind over and over again, so like his own. He wakes up. It’s the first time he’s woken up in the middle of the night in a long time. He clutches his face in his hands, because even though it sounds childish, it’s a horrible nightmare. Chanyeol takes a deep breath, and after a while, the fear is gone. Chanyeol turns, wanting to find Baekhyun sleeping like an idiot, but he finds an empty bed.

At first, he panics, because the dream comes rushing back. He switches on his phone and calls Baekhyun, but when an EXO ringtone answers not far away from him, he hangs up in frustration. He takes this time to calm down. If Baekhyun really was kidnapped, then the blankets would be in a mess on the ground, and Baekhyun would be wearing his pyjamas, probably without his shoes. Chanyeol firstly checks to see if the blankets are on the ground. They are not. Then he checks to see if Baekhyun has left in his pyjamas. He hasn’t. Then he checks to see if Baekhyun’s shoes are there. They aren’t.

Baekhyun went outside himself.

Chanyeol wonders where he’s gone. He takes a deep breath and sits on the bed. I’ll wait for him to come back. Chanyeol tells himself. Ten minutes later, his eyes droop against his will. Probably because he’s been staying up one or more hours longer than his usual bedtime just worrying over this for the past week. Fifteen minutes later, he drops back onto bed, asleep.

After a few more times of waking up in the middle of the night, Chanyeol finds Baekhyun is never in his bed, and always away. He wants to ask, but he knows Baekhyun won’t answer.

“I…I hope you’re not meeting that bastard in secret.” Chanyeol stutters out one day, unable to take it anymore. “Don’t. He’s dangerous. No matter what happens and what he said, he’s ing dangerous.”

“It’s fine.” Baekhyun says curtly. Chanyeol internally sighs in frustration, but he doesn’t give up.

“Baek, seriously.” Chanyeol continues. “I don’t care what the hell he said, just – Just don’t go near him, okay?” His voice breaks a little at the last word, because right now he cares more about Baekhyun’s wellbeing than anything else.

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, but his thumb on the screen of his phone falters a bit.

“Chanyeol –”

“Please, Baek.” Chanyeol pleads. “Please.” Chanyeol doesn’t think he’s pleaded this much before, but he’s so desperate for Baekhyun to see sense.

Not only that, but a part of him is afraid. Afraid for himself.

“I’m fine –”

“Baekhyun, it’s not –”

“Chanyeol.” Baekhyun cuts in. Chanyeol stops himself short, blinking at Baekhyun, who had thrown his phone on the bed and stood up. “Do you trust me?”

“…Huh?”

“Do you trust me?” He asks again. This is the first time Baekhyun is looking into his eyes, and his eyes look so conflicted. Chanyeol’s heart drops down to his feet. Even so, he nods, because he does. No matter what happens, he does.

“Then why are you so worried for?” Baekhyun sounds annoyed as he sits back down on his bed, pulling the covers over himself and turning until his back is to Chanyeol. The taller stares blankly as he realises his boyfriend has been brushing him off over and over again. It’s stupid, but it hurts. It hurts to have Baekhyun turn the cold shoulder towards him. Most of all, it ing hurts because he’s doing all this just because a ing , who should die in hell, had returned.

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything. For the first real ing time in his life, he doesn’t actually know what Baekhyun’s thinking.

Instead, with his heart pounding painfully in his chest, he pulls the covers over himself and lets the tears of frustration fall silently down his cheeks.

“Hey.” Jongin says excitedly as he sits down next to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo following him silently. “I was gonna say, check out this new song. Both Kyungsoo and I love it.” Jongin turns to Kyungsoo, smiling widely. Kyungsoo smiles back. Jongin presses play on his phone, then brings it up to Chanyeol’s ears.

Chanyeol takes a bite of his salad half-heartedly.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you, man?” Jongin pouts as he slouches, playing with his phone. “I thought you’d like this song …” Chanyeol grunts. Kyungsoo stares at him worriedly.

“Chanyeol –” He starts.

“How about this one?” Jongin interrupts, bringing it to Chanyeol’s ear again. Once again, there is hardly any response from the older. Kyungsoo bites his lip.

“Chanyeol –”

“What’s up, man?” Jongin seems to have finally caught on. “Are you sick?”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol mumbles, then grabs his plate. “I gotta get some rest. See ya.” Then he drags his feet to the door and dumps his dishes, then drags his feet away.

“Is he really okay?” Jongin asks Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo shrugs, but he’s worried.

Something happened to Chanyeol.

It doesn’t take a genius to know that.

“Baek!” He calls desperately. “Baek! Come back!” Baekhyun is moving further and further away from him, back facing him, never turning back. As if he doesn’t care.

“Baek!” Chanyeol shouts. “Don’t trust him! He’s a criminal … He’s dangerous … Baek, come back …” But ironically, Baekhyun ends up by Joo Sung’s side, the Joo Sung that will always be more mature and always look more handsome than he ever will be.

“I’m going to keep him now.” Joo Sung smiles the same kind smile, and Baekhyun is unaware. Unaware of the danger he’s in. “I’m going to keep him, and I’m going to break him…”

Chanyeol opens his eyes, heart racing in his chest. That’s when he hears the door closing. He sits up immediately and finds that Baekhyun is gone.

Without even thinking of the consequences, Chanyeol immediately puts on his shoes and sneaks out, peeking over the corners. He sees Baekhyun disappearing down one of them, and silently follows.

Please don’t be true … Chanyeol thinks to himself, heart heavy as he follows. He doesn’t even know why it hurts so much. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this much pain before.

Taking a shaky breath, he tiptoes after Baekhyun. He looks like he’s going outside. Chanyeol is shaking violently, but he follows anyway. Dread has been bothering him ever since Joo Sung appeared, and it hasn’t gone away at all. Baekhyun sneaks to the garden and Chanyeol follows. That’s when he sees it. Sees him.

Why?

Chanyeol, shaking, forces his legs to follow, and he falls behind the rose bushes, close enough to hear, but hidden enough to see.

“Do you hate me?” Joo Sung asks sadly. They are apart slightly. Baekhyun shakes his head.

“I … don’t think I can ever hate you…” He whispers softly.

“Do you forgive me, Baekkie?” Joo Sung takes a step closer. Baekhyun hesitates, as if wanting to move back, but eventually he stays where he is. Taking that as a sign, Joo Sung reaches down and takes Baekhyun’s hand in his. Chanyeol’s breath hitches. Baekhyun tries to pull his hand away, but he does so weakly.

“You can hate me, Baekkie. You can be afraid of me, but I just wanted you to know that … that …” Joo Sung’s voice breaks. “That was all just an act. They told me I had to hurt you, and that way, they won’t kill you …” What is this? Chanyeol’s heart is thumping painfully in his chest.

“I … I couldn’t let them get to you. T-They told me that they would kill you in front of me if I didn’t do what I did back then. I’m sorry I hurt you, Baekkie, but I had to protect you. I had to act so convincingly so that you could leave the coward I was. I had to save you.” Baekhyun is trembling. Joo Sung looks so pained, so hurt.

“I understand, Baekkie … I understand now that there’s someone else in your life, but please, just know that I was doing it to protect you. I don’t deserve you, and I know what I did hurt you so much, but that was because I love you. I would do anything for you.” Joo Sung says sadly, and he lets go of Baekhyun’s hand, turning around to leave. At that moment, Baekhyun grabs his wrist, stopping him. Immediately, Joo Sung turns around and grabs Baekhyun, pulling the smaller to his chest, hugging him tightly.

“You idiot …” Baekhyun’s voice is broken. Chanyeol’s eyes widen with the horrible realisation that Baekhyun is crying. “You … You should’ve told me. Y-You should’ve … you should’ve let them kill me …”

“No!” Joo Sung lets him go and grabs his shoulders, leaning down to look into his eyes. “I would never. I would rather die than have them touch you.”

“I couldn’t live without you.” Baekhyun’s voice is almost pleading. Chanyeol’s heart hurts. For himself or for the love of his life, he doesn’t know anymore. “I would die for you, Joo-hyung, because that was how much I loved you.”

“Do you … still love me? Baekkie?” Joo Sung reaches up to his cheek. It’s such a gentle thing. Chanyeol can see … the love in it. Baekhyun’s hand holds onto Joo Sung’s forearm, looking up at him with tear-stained eyes.

Baekhyun took years to break down his walls around Chanyeol. Baekhyun took years to cry in front of Chanyeol.

But he did so, so quickly and so swiftly and so naturally in front of Joo Sung.

They look perfect together. Chanyeol realises with a cracked heart that they look better together than he ever will be with Baekhyun.

Unaware, Chanyeol grabs the stems of the rose bushes to keep himself from falling or running away. He grips them hard, unaware when the thorns dig into his palms and blood flows out.

And Baekhyun is looking at Joo Sung, eyes glittering so beautifully and so brightly that Chanyeol can see it from where he is. Baekhyun looks at him so intensely, so lovingly, just like the time he had looked at Joo Sung in that photo behind the painting.

Chanyeol had thought that Baekhyun looked at him like he was in love.

Maybe Baekhyun had been looking through him and at someone else this whole time.

Maybe Baekhyun … had always wanted to restart and re-love, but with Joo Sung. And Chanyeol was only a pathetic replacement.

“You know what?” Baekhyun rests his head behind his hands and closes his eyes, speaking up after long moments of comfortable silence, the type of silence that he will always come to appreciate. “I think the reason why I changed so much was because … because I really loved him.”

Chanyeol feel his heart pang with pain and jealousy. How come watching Baekhyun talk about some past guy that looked like him made him feel so bitter? Is it because that man was able to affect him so much, and change him so much? Is it because it was so damn clear how much Baekhyun loved him?

“Do you …” Chanyeol trails off, at a loss for words. He doesn’t know how to word this. He coughs and clears his throat. Just say it. “…Do you still love him?”

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, but he opens his eyes and stares up at the sky. He doesn’t reply, just stares up at the sky. He stares up at the sky for a long time. Chanyeol feels himself getting more and more afraid as time passes by.

Baekhyun opens his mouth.

“Yes.” Baekhyun whispers. “Yes, I always have.” Why?

Why would you do this? To yourself?

To me?

“Is it stupid, to still love you so much after what happened?” There is bitterness in his voice, and Chanyeol’s heart twists in a way that he doesn’t think is possible. Maybe this is the disadvantage of falling in love. It’s confirmed.

Chanyeol was always a thirdwheel.

“Baekkie.” Joo Sung’s bottom lip is trembling and he pulls to hug Baekhyun again. Chanyeol falls backwards, pulling a rose out from its roots. He wants to cry, but he doesn’t think crying will ever ease this pain. Baekhyun buries his face in Joo Sung’s chest, trembling. “Baekkie … I love you …”

Baekhyun’s crying, but he’s laughing. His voice is full of joy, and Chanyeol’s heart swells – he’s always wanted to be the one to make Baekhyun laugh like that. Baekhyun pulls away, wiping his tears, and he smiles at Joo Sung, so brightly, so genuinely.

“You’re finally back …” Baekhyun whispers. “I thought I was waiting for nothing, but …” He laughs and leans towards Joo Sung again, who hugs him protectively.

This scene is just like one out of a movie, where two lovers separated by outer sinister intentions and misunderstandings are finally reunited after loving and waiting for so long. Chanyeol feels insignificant in their love story – Chanyeol feels unnecessary.

Joo Sung laughs too, and he grabs Baekhyun’s cheeks, leaning close. At the last minute, Baekhyun turns away.

“Chanyeol.” He mutters softly. Chanyeol’s heart leaps. Maybe Baekhyun hasn’t forgotten him. Maybe a part of him really does love Chanyeol … “I can’t … I can’t cheat on him.”

His hopes are dashed. Crushed.

“Oh …” Joo Sung moves away. “Are you going to …?”

“I don’t know.” Baekhyun sounds conflicted. “I don’t know how to say it …”

You don’t need to. Chanyeol wants to scream. You don’t need to, because I’ve seen everything.

“Then let’s be friends for now.” Joo Sung smiles, reaches down and holds Baekhyun’s hand. “Friends hold hands, right?” Baekhyun nods. Chanyeol sees it – sees him longing for Joo Sung.

Chanyeol’s only a boulder between them.

“All that matters is that you’re by my side.” Joo Sung continues, leaning down and kissing Baekhyun’s forehead. “It doesn’t matter if you’re dating someone else. I’m happy as long as I can be by your side.”

“No.” Baekhyun says softly. “I want to be with you.” Joo Sung smiles, Chanyeol’s heart cries.

“Then I can wait longer.” Joo Sung brings his hand to rest by Baekhyun’s cheek, affectionately. “I’ll wait forever for you.”

“I’ll get this sorted.” Baekhyun whispers. “Then I’ll be yours.”

Chanyeol chokes. He’s never heard Baekhyun say that to him before. It seems to out of character, but then again, how long has Chanyeol really known him? Maybe that’s because Baekhyun never belonged to him at all.

“Let’s stay like this for a while.” Joo Sung says, and he pulls Baekhyun gently towards the bench – the bench that Baekhyun and Chanyeol had sat on that fateful day more than a fortnight ago. When they sit down, Baekhyun leans his head against Joo Sung’s shoulder, tightening the hold on their hands. They look so in love.

“I’d do anything for you.” Baekhyun says softly, but Chanyeol hears it. He hears it because it sounds so genuine, so pure. Purer than every other word he had said to Joo Sung. He hears it because it sounds so true, so heartfelt. Chanyeol hears it like it had been screamed out instead of whispered, and Chanyeol can hear it louder than the breaking of his heart.

Unable to watch any more, Chanyeol stands on wobbly feet, tears the rose from his palm and throws it on the floor, then breaks into a run back to his – theirs – room.

Joo Sung is actually such a pure person.

He did it all to protect Baekhyun.

“Do you still love me, Baekkie?”

“Yes. Yes, I always have.”

Chanyeol hugs the blankets around himself. Somehow, there is blood on his hand, but he doesn’t know where it came from. All he knows is that Baekhyun had never loved him because his heart was always reserved for a man who could give back to him so much so easily. Just like that.

A man who, even though had disappeared from Baekhyun’s life for more than he’s been in it, has made Baekhyun into a crying mess and a laughing angel at the same time.

Chanyeol hurts, because he’ll never be able to do that. He’ll never be loved like that, because he was never that important to begin with.

He was always just a replacement.

All these times Baekhyun had looked at him, smiled at him, told him his heart problems, leaned on him … made love to him …

Was that even love for him?

Chanyeol realises like a slap to the face that it was never him that Baekhyun loved. It was never him that Baekhyun wanted to look at, never him that Baekhyun loved to smile at, never him that Baekhyun needed to talk to, never him that Baekhyun wished to lean on, never him that Baekhyun desired to make love to.

Still, it felt so real … too real to be fake. And maybe it wasn’t fake in the first place. Maybe it was realer than anything. It was just for someone else.

Always for someone else.

And it’s as clear as the difference between day and night to Chanyeol when he had seen the two of them together in the garden, looking so in love with each other that nothing could stop them. Baekhyun didn’t only look like he was in love. He looked as if he was happy.

So happy. Even though he’s meeting Joo Sung in secret, even though he’s probably done this for so long and never had a proper sleep, he could still look so happy and lively.

Even though he was crying, it looked like his heart was laughing.

Baekhyun would never hurt Chanyeol intentionally, Chanyeol knows that. He could so easily take advantage of this and never let Baekhyun leave. He could so easily tell Joo Sung to go away and never bother them again, so that Baekhyun would be with him forever.

But … would Baekhyun be happy with him?

When you really love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, they never belonged to you.

If they do, they were always yours.

If you really love someone, let them go.

Chanyeol knows as well as his love for Baekhyun that if he lets Baekhyun go, Baekhyun will never come back to him.

Yet, does he not love Baekhyun? Does he not want Baekhyun to be happy?

What’s more important to Chanyeol than his own happiness, is Baekhyun’s.

Maybe Baekhyun was never happy with him. Maybe Baekhyun was always restrained with him.

He can’t do that to Baekhyun. He promised himself, he would never do anything to hurt Baekhyun.

Maybe … it was time to let go.

Baekhyun quickly claps his hands together and shuts his eyes tightly. How adorable. Chanyeol thinks to himself, smiling as Baekhyun purses his lips, as if what he’s wishing for is something he really wants.

Maybe Baekhyun had wished for Joo Sung to come back.

Maybe that’s why, when he was standing with the love of his life, he looked like he didn’t need anything else.

Baekhyun changed so much, because he fell so hard.

And after all this time, he still loves so intensely.

Chanyeol knows, if he were in Baekhyun’s position, he would want to be free.

Free to love. Free to abandon. Free to leave.

Chanyeol knows, if he were in Baekhyun’s position, he would want to be let go.

Let go, so that his heart can be free of burdens, free of guilt, so they can be filled with love, filled with happiness.

And just like that, Chanyeol lets go.

Just as the sun rises, Baekhyun returns.

Chanyeol hasn’t slept. He can’t sleep.

Baekhyun stops in his place. He seems to notice Chanyeol’s ragged form, but he says nothing as he walks to his bed, preparing to start the day. It hurts to watch Baekhyun ignore him, but now the hurt is hidden, because nothing could’ve prepared him for the pain he felt when he watched Baekhyun looking so perfect with someone else. Someone that can never be him.

“Nightmare?” Baekhyun asks eventually. How can Baekhyun talk to him like this? Like nothing happened last night? Like …

Like he doesn’t resent Chanyeol for coming in between them?

“Shut up.” Chanyeol growls. It’s not meant to come out like that. It’s not meant to sound bitter, angry, and hurtful. But it did. Baekhyun’s eyes widen. Chanyeol stands, stumbling a little as if he’s drunk.

“Baekhyun …” He whispers. The name, once spoken, gives him a thousand punches to the gut. “Baekhyun … Break up with me.”

Baekhyun’s eyes blink, and something flashes before them. Chanyeol is too pained to notice it. Chanyeol is too afraid to see it.

“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun laughs softly – the laugh has no humour. “Why would I –”

“Break up with me.” Chanyeol’s voice breaks. He staggers towards Baekhyun and grabs his shoulders, as if to steady himself. He can’t cry anymore, can’t express the pain in his heart with tears. Maybe this is how Baekhyun had felt all these years. It’s suffocating him. “Break … up with me. Please.” Please don’t let me go.

“…” Baekhyun says nothing, and once again the conflict is in his eyes. Why do you stay with me because you pity me? Suddenly, anger takes over Chanyeol. He doesn’t need the pity.

“It’s over.” He says gruffly, pushing Baekhyun away from him, so harshly that Baekhyun falls back onto his bed and Chanyeol stumbles backwards. “It’s over. You can do whatever you want now. I don’t care anymore.” I just want you to be happy.

That’s all I can ask for.

“Chanyeol …” Baekhyun’s voice is a mix of emotions – does he dare detect the happiness in them?

“I don’t care.” Chanyeol continues, standing there and putting everything in his power not to fall over and collapse. He doesn’t need to look weak. He can’t look weak, because he doesn’t want Baekhyun to feel guilty and pity him. Again.

Silence fills the room. As each second passes, Chanyeol feels hope build up inside him. Maybe Baekhyun won’t leave him. Maybe Baekhyun will call him stupid and kiss his pain away. Maybe Chanyeol was dead ing wrong, and Baekhyun really does love him after all.

But who the is he kidding?

“All right.” Baekhyun’s voice is soft, and Chanyeol’s heart breaks. “Okay.” Baekhyun’s footsteps move around the room, but never once has he tried to get closer to Chanyeol. As if Chanyeol was never in his heart after all.

Maybe before Baekhyun leaves, Baekhyun might say something. He might say ‘I’m sorry’ for doing this to him. He might say ‘I hate you’ for always tying him down. He might say ‘I love you’ because he really does love Chanyeol, but he only loves Joo Sung more.

“Still. I don’t plan on loving. I don’t plan on ever loving.”

Why is Chanyeol lying to himself?

“Thank you.” Is what Baekhyun says instead. If Baekhyun apologised, Chanyeol might’ve felt angry or furious. If Baekhyun said he hated Chanyeol, then Chanyeol would think him a jerk and get over him. If he said he loved Chanyeol, then maybe Chanyeol would try to get him back.

But he thanked Chanyeol. For setting him free.

And somehow, that hurts more than anything.

“Do you trust me?” Baekhyun asks softly. Chanyeol doesn’t reply, does everything in his power not to reply, because ironically, after everything that’s happened, he still does. He trusts Baekhyun with his life, with his heart, with his being.

Baekhyun waits there for a long time. Chanyeol doesn’t move for a long time. It’s a battle of wits, but eventually, Chanyeol wins. It’s all he has left.

Baekhyun leaves, closing the door softly behind him. Chanyeol collapses onto the floor, feeling like he can never be happy again.

Joo Sung can protect Baekhyun.

Joo Sung can take care of Baekhyun.

Joo Sung can love Baekhyun.

Joo Sung can do so much for Baekhyun.

Chanyeol feels like an ant beside him. Because Chanyeol can give Baekhyun nothing.

“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo’s voice sounds on the phone. “Why didn’t you come to class today?”

Chanyeol looks at his phone emptily. He doesn’t know why he picked up in the first place.

“…Chanyeol? Are you okay?” Kyungsoo’s voice sounds worried. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing, Soo…” Chanyeol tries to sound cheerful and convincing. He laughs. “I’m fine. Just … a little sick.” There is silence on the other line. Chanyeol is terrified Kyungsoo will be able to see through him, like he sometimes is able to do so easily.

“Whatever you say, Chan.” Kyungsoo’s voice is soft. “Do you want me to bring the homework over? Chan? Chanyeol?”

“Y-Yeah …” Chanyeol replies even though he doesn’t feel like doing anything. “That would be nice … Thanks, Soo…”

“I’ll be right there, Chanyeol. Don’t go anywhere.” With that, Kyungsoo hangs up. Chanyeol lets his arm fall to his side. He feels so tired.

Without meaning to, he falls asleep on the ground, curling up onto himself, as if trying to find warmth inside him that’s beginning to fade away along with Baekhyun.

“He doesn’t seem to be sick.” One voice says. “I mean, no fevers or anything.”

“Yeah.” Another voice muses. “Just what happened to him?”

Chanyeol cracks open an eye. His heart feels so heavy. When his vision adjusts, he sees Jongin and Kris peering down at him. When he sits up, he sees Kyungsoo at a distance, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets.

“He’s awake!” Jongin says and he leans towards Chanyeol. “What’s up with you, man?”

“Yeah, you worried us for nothing.” Kris, annoyed, hits Chanyeol upside the head. “Look at you. You’re not even sick.” Chanyeol doesn’t respond. Kris glances at Jongin, who glances back, eyes wide.

“Maybe … maybe he is sick …” Kris whispers, then turns back to Chanyeol, laughing nervously. “Uh, yeah, forget I said anything … Haha …”

“Look, man, tell us where it hurts.” Jongin says. Chanyeol doesn’t say anything for a while.

“My … my chest hurts.” He says eventually, softly. “I can’t breathe.”

Jongin turns to Kris, confused. Kris looks just as clueless.

“M-Maybe we should get his boyfriend.” Jongin says, laughing nervously as he turns to Chanyeol. “Baekhyun can heal you with his love, no?”

“Yeah.” Kris seems to think that this is a good idea as he grins at Jongin. “Your babe will heal you.” They don’t know it hurts even more hearing that.

“I’m fine.” Chanyeol says eventually. Sinking down and hiding his face with his blankets. “I’ll be fine, guys. Thanks for coming.”

“Do you need us to call Baekhyun?” Jongin asks.

“No.” Chanyeol replies, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’ll … I’ll call him myself.”

“Possessive as always…” Kris mutters, and he pats Chanyeol on the shoulder. Chanyeol gasps softly. “Okay then. Bye.” Eventually, the door closes. Chanyeol wants to close his eyes and sleep, so he can immerse himself in a world where anything is possible, where Baekhyun really does love him as much as he loves Baekhyun. He wants to sleep for a long time, so he doesn’t need to wake up and be faced with the horrible reality that he doesn’t exist in Baekhyun’s heart. And that Baekhyun will never exist in his arms.

“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo’s voice is soft, and he feels a hand pat him gently. “I left your homework on your desk. The deadline’s still far off, so don’t worry. Just rest up.” Silence. “Hope you’re okay.” Then the door opens and closes once more.

How Chanyeol wishes Kyungsoo would be Baekhyun. How he wishes Kyungsoo and Baekhyun would swap feelings, so that Baekhyun can care this much about him and really look at him, not look at him and see someone else.

Or … Or how Chanyeol wishes he can love Kyungsoo instead of Baekhyun, so he wouldn’t have to go through this, so he wouldn’t have to live through the ing reality that he was always just a replacement, just an empty shell that Baekhyun probably wished every day would be someone else.

Chanyeol wants to cry. After all, he’s known to be a crybaby. He always knew that crying would ease the pain. But he can’t. He tries, as he opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He coughs, but nothing comes out. He blinks, but nothing comes out.

He screams, but nothing comes out.

Baekhyun doesn’t return until before midnight. Chanyeol is still in his bed and has been for the entire day, and he knows it’s stupid, but his heart thumps painfully when he hears Baekhyun move around the room.

Why? He wants to ask. Why can’t you love me?

Then again, he understands. Joo Sung was the one who stopped him from feeling lonely. Joo Sung was the one who stopped him from self-harming. Joo Sung was the one who saved him from being killed, no matter how cruel the act was. But was that his fault? Wasn’t it from someone who wanted Baekhyun dead?

It wasn’t. Joo Sung turned out to be pure and loving, handsome and mature, understanding and accepting.

Of course Baekhyun would choose him. They’ve gone through moments together that can never be replaced by anyone.

He hears Baekhyun settle after he hears the light switched off. His body is shaking and even though he’s not crying, he’s having sobbing spasms. Eventually, he falls asleep, body once again curled up into himself, trying to find comfort and warmth in something that’s slowly disappearing.

He fears it’ll never come back.

The next day, Chanyeol wakes up.

He forces himself to leave the bed, because the world doesn’t stop moving once you’re experiencing heartbreak. He takes a shower, lets the droplets wash away the tiredness, the pain, and lets them become the tears that he could never produce.

When he leaves, rubbing his hair with his towel, he notices something.

Dread drops down to his stomach.

Baekhyun’s things are gone.

He drops his towel, looking around. Blankets are made neatly, but all his books and bags and clothes and shoes are gone. As if he never existed at all. There is no note telling him where he had gone, where he had left. Baekhyun had left nothing.

Does Chanyeol really mean that little to him? Does he really not care if Chanyeol worried?

Just like that, Byun Baekhyun is gone. Chanyeol doesn’t know when he’ll see him again.