.

This is not good.

This is not good at all.

This cannot be happening.

Jackson looked down at his hand, hoping for the little piece of writing on his wrist to vanish. Hoping it was all an illusion. A dream. A very bad dream. Maybe he had too much to drink last night? His friends did go a little too hard last night, slipping him more than drinks then necessary.

But no, there in small cursive writing, the name Mark Tuan was staring back at him, neatly written on his wrist.

Jackson inspected his tattoo. Trying to find any human errors in the writing. He couldn’t detect any. This wasn’t a tattoo that he drunkenly decided to get last night. Jackson wishes that was the case.

No. The universe had decided that Mark ing Tuan would be his soulmate. There was no denying it. Jackson had seen countless soulmate tattoos before. It was sort of like an instinct recognizing them. There could be a dozen identical names tattooed on someone’s arm, but the soulmate tattoo would just somehow manage to standout. It's kind of hard to explain. Just take his words for it. The universe works in strange ways. 

His hangover from last night was slowly going away, but there was still a slight buzz in his head that he knew had more to do with the nice surprise he woke up to and not because of last night. 

Jackson jumped when he heard his phone vibrate, too immersed in his own thoughts to notice it buzzing for the past couple of minutes. He picked up his phone, his heart picking up speed when he focused on the name on the screen.

Marki-pooh (dont judge him) [11:34 am] 

Happy bday brat

Recovered from yesterday yet?

Hope u didnt drink too much, u promised hyung u wouldn’t 

Jackson smiled to himself. Mark might pretend like he didn’t care about others, but deep down inside Jackson knew he was the most selfless person out there. He would act like Jackson’s presence was the most annoying thing in the world. His loud and open personality contrasted greatly with Mark who was much more quiet and reserved. But if the daily text messages Mark sent Jackson asking the younger how he is, if he ate, and if he were on top of his assignments didn’t reflect a caring personality, or at least someone who gave a , then he didn’t know what did.

Mark had even shown up to his dorm at 2 am on a school night once, when Jackson had made the mistake of telling his hyung he hadn’t eaten since lunch and that he’d just entered his dorm. Not 20 minutes later when Jackson was so close to crashing into his bed and sleeping into next eternity, Mark showed up on his steps. He looked tired, what with his brunette hair tousled back and wearing a sweater so big it was swallowing him. He had pizza and a - was that a juice box?- in his hands.

“Hey hyung. Juice? You know we’re not 10 anymore.” Jackson said, side stepping to let the elder in.

Mark scowled at him. “Do you expect me to let you drink pop or beer this late? Aren’t you supposed to be the diet conscious one here? Be happy I actually took it as my duty to feed your ungrateful , seeing as you can’t take care of yourself” Mark said, with just the hint of annoyance.

Jackson bit his lips, trying to stop himself from smiling. His hyung worried too much. It was sweet. Really. Being fretted over this much.  “If it was such an inconvenience, then don’t bother next time. You don’t have to babysit me”. Jackson thought the sarcasm in his voice was evident enough, so he didn’t expect the flash of hurt to flick across Mark’s eyes, before the elder composed himself.

Mark narrowed his eyes, looking at a point behind Jackson. “Right, I’m not. Maybe I won’t bother next time.” He dropped the pizza and juice on the table. “You’re probably tired, I didn’t mean to lecture you this late.” Mark made his way towards the door, without (so much as) a backward glance. “Next time, just eat on time, or text me and I’ll drop off something at practice… I just worry and-“. Mark’s words got cut off has he felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind.

Guilt pooled into Jackson’s gut as he realized mid-Mark’s little speech that the elder was truly just worried and that teasing with him at that moment had sent the wrong message. As soon as he saw the elder reaching for the door, he let his body act on instinct, reaching out to keep him from leaving.

Heat spread through Jackson’s body as he pressed his chest flush against Mark’s back. God, he was like a human furnace. The elder smelled like soap, nothing fancy, just plain soap. It was quite relaxing. Jackson could’ve fallen asleep right then and there. He would have, had he not realized the elder had frozen when Jackson touched him and hadn’t moved since. Slowly Jackson released his arms from around Mark.

Mark missed the touch immediately. He felt arms spin him around and he looked up at Jackson, the fatigue intensified on his face even more than before, guilt in his eyes.

“Hyung I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I was only trying to get you smile a little, but I guess I should watch when I should joke or not…” Jackson trailed off with a small chuckle.

“Ya you should”, Mark mumbled. “You’re still an ungrateful brat.” Mark added.

"Or you could learn how to take a joke..." Jackson mumbled. 

"Im leaving." Mark said, feigning annoyance and slowly stepping back. 

“No hyung wait! I really am sorry.” Jackson reached out to keep him in place again. “I really appreciate you caring for me. I mean, how many people can say they have people in their life that will bring them pizza at 2 in the morning?” He said. “Please stop looking so hurt, that really wasn’t my attention.”

And without warning, Jackson wrapped his arms around the elder again. He pressed his cheeks into Mark’s neck, arms going around his torso.“Hyung I won’t let you go until you forgive me.” Jackson was honestly impressed with his confidence at this moment. Skin ship has never really been a big part of their friendship.

Mark’s brain and body were in two different places at this point. His mind easing at the sincerity in Jackson’s voice, and now trying to make sense of how close he was to the blonde. He kind of felt like a teddy bear, with the way he was being hugged.

He hated the way his body seemed to involuntary relax into Jackson’s embrace. He hoped to god the younger couldn’t feel the way his heart was beating against his chest. All they were doing was hugging for s sake. Why is he reacting like this? Friends hug right? It’s just been a while since Mark has hugged someone. And this is the first time him and Jackson have been so close. It’s just a shock to his system.

Yes, Mark thought. That’s it. He hesitantly brought his arms up, and place them around Jackson, returning the hug.

Mark is going to pretend the way Jackson seemed to hug him tighter didn’t send butterflies to his stomach. 

Jackson [11:37 AM]

~ thank u hyunnggg ~

haha i kept my promise

kinda

drank only a little

bambam slipped me extra shots hehe

but dont tell him i ratted him out

Marki-pooh [11:40 AM]

I will talk to BamBam later

Just because its ur birthday doesn’t mean its ur day to do nothing, u have a paper due mon mor'n

No more partying until u get ur lazy up and complete some work

Ill bribe Jinyoung into telling me if he sees u slacking off

Mark can honestly be worse than Jinyoung sometimes, and he’s known as the mother of the group. But Jackson would be lying if he says its annoying being worried over this much. Jackson prides himself in knowing that only he gets to receive such special treatment from Mark.

But now, things are different. Before, something as little as Mark fretting over Jackson would just boost his appreciation for the elder and… ok maybe make him feel really really good because maybe… he had the slightest crush on his hyung. Just the slightest.

But that was a year ago, his brain reminded him. 

Oh ya.

Ok so maybe he was at the crush stage a year ago. And now, maybe, that crush is a genuine attraction and liking towards his hyung.

Then why does the tattoo on your wrist excite you so much? 

Scratch the maybe. Jackson likes Mark. Period. There. Happy?

And maybe, if things were different, Jackson would’ve told Mark. Jackson was the most open person out there. Maybe too open. Mark once told him that he gave out his trust too easily to people and made himself vulnerable.

“Believe me hyung, the sooner people realize the type of person I am, the better. It’s better then slowly revealing yourself to a person just to have them not accept you. And then there are people who can’t even be real with you and try to stick around and pretend to like you.” Jackson said, trying to sound like he had all of life's secrets in the palms of his hands. 

Mark didn’t reply. The silence that followed didn’t concern him. Mark wasn’t very talkative, Jackson being able to talk for both of them whenever they hung out. When he finally looked up though, he found Mark watching him with curious eyes.

“Hyung, its best if you tell me now if I’m too much to handle. Its ok, I would understand” Jackson tried humor but Mark replied as if he hadn’t said anything.

“So people who don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves and don’t overshare every piece of information about themselves are… fake? Just pretending?” Mark said, his brows furrowed. “Is that how you think of me?” he added, hesitantly.

“No no, of course not hyung. It’s pretty easy to tell who is just pretending to be friends with me and who is not. And you’re not one of those people. You’re probably second to me when it comes to not giving a . You wouldn’t have stuck around if you didn’t care. I know you actually care about me, even though you act like you don’t.” Jackson said grinning.

“You’re not exactly making me sound like a good person.” Mark muttered.

Jackson chuckled. “Well, to me you’re a good person just the way you are. Great, wonderful, amazing even. Other people don’t know what they’re missing out on.” Jackson said and trailed his eyes on Mark's cheeks that were now turning into a bright shade of red.

Mark groaned, looking down to hide the smile threatening to overcome his face. This kid, seriously. “You’re so gross, don’t get all sappy on me.”

“I mean it hyung. I know you’re a very reserved person. I respect that. I used to fear that it was because you didn’t trust me but-“

“I do trust you.” Mark cut in. “I do now. I just had to get to know you-“

“I know hyung, I know. It takes a while for you to put your trust into people. And there is nothing wrong with being guarded.”

Mark had that look of awe back in his eyes. “Since when did you get so mature? Or have the ability to understand people?” Mark smirked. “Where is the immature brat I know and love?” Mark froze, as soon as he realized what he said. What the Mark. And you were just lecturing Jackson about being gross!

But Jackson either didn’t hear his slip up or was feigning ignorance because he continued the conversation as if Mark didn’t say anything. “Haha, Jinyoung might’ve had something to do with that. I’m also not the same person you met in first year, hyung.”

“Right, you’re not.” 

Something happened during that conversation, because later that night, Mark started talking about himself. A lot. He actually kind of dropped a bomb of info on Jackson. Ok like not a literal bomb, but it might as well been. At first Mark went back to being quite but it was evident by his face that he mulling over something in his mind. Jackson didn’t try prying. He knew if Mark wanted to say something he would.

Jackson’s mind kind of short circuited when he looked up to see Mark taking off his shirt, showcasing his black tank underneath. Damn, the rest of Mark was as pale as his hands and face as well. And was hedeliberately trying take his shirt off so slowly?

Mark held out his hand for Jackson and it took a minute for Jackson to find what he was searching for. His eyes zeroed in on the little piece of writing on Mark’s forearm. Oh. It was his soulmate tattoo. Jackson vaguely remember that Mark had turned 21 a while back, the last age to have your soulmate tattoo appear on your body. But since Mark hadn’t mentioned anything about it, Jackson didn’t ask about it. He tried to make out the words written on Mark's arms, but the tattoo was kind of broken. There were cracks in the font and the color was faded as well.

Jackson gave out a silent gasp.

He was at a loss for words. He knew what this meant. Mark’s soulmate wasn’t alive. Maybe he was a long time ago. Or maybe he died before birth. But his soulmate wasn’t alive anymore.

“It was like this the day I turned 18. I thought I was amongst the lucky ones who got there tattoos early. Only to realize that maybe never getting my tattoo would’ve been better.” Mark said, voice small. Jackson observed Mark. He looked… composed? Like he’d come to terms with his faith a while ago.

As if reading Jackson’s mind, he continued “It took a very long time for me to… come to term with…all this.” Mark said, tracing over the tattoo on his forearm. “When I first met you, I was still very... upset. At that point I was upset. It was better than being angry all the time. That’s how I first dealt with it. I was lonely and it didn’t help that I basically cut off a lot of people in my life because I didn’t see the point of getting to know anyone. When the most important person in your life doesn’t exist, and knowing they do for other people, I just- I guess I became jealous? And I didn’t understand why I had to have this happening to me…”

Jackson hadn’t seen Mark like this before. Forget the new piece of information being revealed to him, Mark was pouring out his feelings out, his expression unguarded. There is a first time for everything. Including this situation and Jackson was still, at a loss at what to do or to say, never been at the receiving end of hearing his hyungs problems.

“I never pondered over this whole soulmate tattoo thing. I thought, when the time came and I got my tattoo, I would deal with it then, you know?” Mark said looking up. Jackson nodded, silently encouraging Mark to continue.

Mark let out a humorless chuckle. “Well now I do have to deal with it. Or at least I did three years ago and… well that went ing fantastic. I wonder if maybe I should’ve been more excited about the idea of having a soulmate. And it’s so stupid. Crying over someone you don’t even know, who you haven’t had the chance to meet. Will probably never- actually, no- you will for sure never have the chance to meet. So why, why did I make it such a big deal? Moments of my life from the past three years, all spent depressed and , for this er who was supposed to be my soulmate but isn’t alive…”

Mark shut his eyes. . Talking about your feelings is hard. How the does Jackson do this? Or anybody else really.

Despair. Isolated. Cold. Lonely. All the feelings that came with coming to face with his misfortunate were slowly rushing back to him.

He felt a slight buzz in his head and a little nauseous.  How does one come out to his friends about the fact that their soulmate doesn’t exist? How do you tell someone all this without sounding pathetic and lonely and burdensome. Why did he decide to open his mouth anyways?

He breathed in and out. He felt a sting in his eyes and blinked rapidly. Oh great, here come the waterfalls.

Mark heard Jackson shuffling around, and next thing he knew he was being pulled into a pair of arms. Just like last time. He felt a sense of déjà vu and froze. But after a second of hesitation, melted into the embrace. He fisted is hands and rested them on Jackson’s chest. He hid his face in his neck, not being able to look up at him and concentrating on his leveling out his breathing. 

“Hyung, don’t force yourself to talk. Thank you for telling me this much.”

Mark sighed, pressing his face harder into the boy’s neck, concentrating on his surroundings. Jackson’s hands around him, rubbing slowly at his back. The smell of Jackson. Jackson’s breath on his neck.

Despair. Isolated. Cold. Lonely. That is what the broken tattoo on his wrist made him feel. Used to make him feel.  

Hope. Warm. Loved. That is how Jackson was currently making him feel. Just by listening to Mark. Just by not demanding him to continue. Just by being Jackson.

How did he end up meeting someone like Jackson? So…uncomplicated. Understanding. Mark couldn’t think of a time when the younger might’ve made Mark feel like he wasn’t giving back enough. Jackson was never demanding and respected Mark’s space. Honestly, Mark wondered if he even had the right to call Jackson an ungrateful brat.

He didn’t talk anymore after that. Even if he tried to he couldn’t. All his words came out muffled. But Jackson didn’t seem to mind. Of course he didn’t.

Jackson also didn’t say anything about the soulmate matter. No apologies, no consultation, no look of pity. Exactly what Mark needed. Not that he thought Jackson wouldn’t have been sincere in his regards, Mark just didn’t want to prolong this topic. And no amount of sympathy could ever allow Jackson to understand what he went through. Unless he went through with it himself.

Mark hoped he would never see Jackson go through such a thing. Someone like him deserved all the happiness in the world, and someone who could give him that happiness...

Jackson really was at a loss for words. He knew things like this happened. Although it was rare, some people just had to get by life without ever meeting there soulmate. He never gave it much thought about him having to face such problem. Mark probably didn’t either.

Jackson had never hated the universe as much as he did in that moment. Seeing Mark like this for the first time. Despair was the only word he could come up with to describe the elders tone and face. He could never understand what Mark went through. And Jackson doesn’t think Mark wanted him to empathize for him either. Jackson doesn’t know why Mark was telling him now about all this. But he was touched at the amount of trust the elder put in him to open up about this.

He hated it. The look on Mark’s face. As he talked, delving deeper and deeper into his past, fumbling with his words and jumping from one thought to the other. Jackson could see Mark’s resolve slipping the more he talked. 

Again, Jackson had never hated the universe as much as he did in that moment. Mark didn’t deserve this. He deserved to be happy. 24/7. The tattoo on his forearm should bring him joy, not remind him that his other half didn’t exist. Mark’s 18^th birthday should’ve been the best birthday of his life. Not the birthday he wished hadn’t come.

Mark looked like was close to breaking down, if not for the fact that he was breathing quite heavily and his eyes were a little glossy as well. So it was instinct. Getting up and hugging Mark, just like last time when Jackson felt like he was losing him. Instead this time, Mark seemed to be diving into a pool of repressed memories and emotions that would soon consume him. Jackson wouldn’t allow Mark to be unhappy. Wouldn’t allow Mark to feel alone. Wouldn’t allow that look to come back to his face.  

Jackson smiled softly when he felt Mark return his hug.

He would never allow his hyung to feel alone again. Never.

For the first time since getting his tattoo, Mark wished that it was someone else’s name on his arm. Before, it was always a longing to have his soulmate be alive. But that night, Mark wondered how things would be like if Jackson’s name was on his forearm instead of the faded mess currently on it. He’s surprised the thought didn’t weird him out. Just sent a swarm of butterflies running in his stomach. You couldn’t really be a homophobe in this world. Not when the universe, God, Goddesses, aliens, whoever is running this whole soulmate tattoo business, could easily decide your soulmate is someone of the same . Mark really couldve cared less if his soulmate ended up being a guy or girl. 

From that day, that day Mark opened up, talked about his soulmate tattoo, felt like he was at edge of losing himself again, and Jackson hugged him and Mark hugged him back, Mark noticed every little thing Jackson did. From the way he laughed, loud and high pitched. Kind of like a hyena. The way he talked, overusing his hand gestures when he thinks he’s saying something important. The look on his face when he listens, eyes unblinking, gaze steady, solely focused on the person in front of him. Everything. Mark also remembers the few times he’s seen Jackson workout. But he’s not going to let his mind wander in that direction.

Mark remembers that one time he and Jackson went to the park, because Jackson really wanted ice cream and well, Mark could never say no to him. No matter how hard he tried. Halfway through there walk they encountered a little girl, no more than three or four or tops, sitting under a tree. This was a concerning sight because not only was there no adult visible nearby, the girl also happened to be crying.

Jackson immediately went over to her, slowly so as not to scare her. “Are you ok?” he asked. Jackson stopped his movements when he saw the girls head shoot up, eyes red, cheeks stained, and sobs only intensifying.

“Hey hey, I promise I won’t hurt you. I’ll stay right here. I just want to know where your mom or dad is.” Jackson hurriedly said, crouching down, giving the girl a small smile.

“I-I don’t know where mommy is.” The girl managed to choke out. Voice so quite that he’s surprised Jackson heard her.

“What’s your name?”

“Mommy said I can’t talk to strangers.”

“Hmm. Well mommy is right. My mommy taught me that too. How about we get to know each other then?” Jackson asked, extending his hand. “My name is Jackson. There, now we are not strangers.”

The girl seemed to relax, deciding that Jackson was not a threat. “My name is Emily.”

“Emily, what a beautiful name, for such a beautiful girl.” Jackson smiled brightly at Emily, happy that she seemed to be relaxing.

Emily’s face broke out into a small smile, a little giggle escaping her lips. She extended her hand to meet Jackson’s, and if Mark thought Jackson couldn’t look any happier, then he was wrong. Jackson looked like he’d won a lottery when Emily shook his hand.

For the rest of their mission to find Emily’s parents, that included more of Jackson trying to make Emily laugh and buying her ice cream, Mark watched how protective Jackson acted around the little girl. They had just met her 5 minutes ago and Jackson was acting like her big brother. It was… sweet. Seeing Jackson interact with the little girl. Seeing the girl who had just been sobbing under a tree a while ago, now laughing and walking happily next to Jackson.

That was Mark’s favorite memory with Jackson. Out of there almost 2 years of friendship, that was his favorite. Not the time him and the gang had a movie night at Mark’s dorm and Mark woke up with no feeling in his right arm because Jackson had fallen asleep on it. Not the time Jackson somehow convinced Mark to dress up as bunnies during Halloween and Jackson would not stop looking at him and calling him cute all night.

Not even that one time BamBam and Jackson crossed dressed as girls and danced their hearts out to every single girl group song on BamBam’s playlist. All to make Mark feel better because Mark was having a bad day. Mark doesn’t think he’s ever laughed so hard in his life. He’d also never imagined Jackson could actually pull off wearing a dress.

No. The day in the park, seeing Jackson interact with the little girl, was just a beautiful sight. Maybe it was because Mark got to witness a whole different and caring side of Jackson. Protective Jackson. Worried Jackson. Happy Jackson.  Maybe Mark has a thing for people who interact well with kids?

Or maybe you just have a thing for everything Jackson does? His brain chided.   

That day in the park confirmed to Mark that maybe he was slightly in infatuated with the younger. But did Mark do anything about it? Of course not. He couldn’t. Jackson wasn’t his soulmate. Jackson didn’t even have his soulmate tattoo. Even the possibility of Jackson liking him back would mean nothing. That wouldn’t be enough for Jackson to ignore the piece of writing that would soon mark his body, letting him know the identity of his own soulmate. He would never leave his soulmate for Mark.

If the situations were reversed, Mark probably wouldn’t either. But Mark is going to be just a little bit selfish and wish Jackson would.