chapter i. | helpless

As far as Lee Hayi knew, her best friend Kim Hanbin had always been known to be a violent kid.

Upon their very first meeting, her impression had been a brat with issues. With ruddy cheeks and his mouth pulled into a pout, he smashed the Lego tower he been building in an ill-mannered frustration that caught everyone’s attention. She couldn’t remember why he did it but it probably was something stupid.

Skip many years later, Hayi couldn’t tell you know whether his reasons remained unreasonable but she did know this—it had only gotten worse.

That was why at this moment, her feet were stuck, refusing to move. She wasn’t sure whether to approach him or pretend she saw nothing.

Tell-tale ruby bruises decorated his knuckles. A light sheen of sweat glistened on his skin. It was all but another evidence of an episode that Hayi was cross between rushing to his side or stand here admiring the beauty that somehow persisted.

She just finished her class for the day and was supposed to meet him at the school gates. But as she walked down the halls, she heard the mutterings. There had been another fight, verbal or physical she wasn’t sure, but it seemed to have involved him and apparently, they were right.

Taking delicate steps, she approached the male like he was a wounded animal. Hanbin didn’t react or seemed to notice, too busy trying to calm himself down. He only acknowledged her when she reached him, dainty fingers making the briefest of contact against his shirt.

He looked down at her in surprise. It was as if the mere sight of her brought him out of whatever inner conflict he had been going through.

“Han—”

Before she could even finish his name, he flinched away from her touch. Perhaps, it was because of the pity in her own eyes, something she couldn’t help when she could sense the emotions running wild beneath his façade.

He plucked his blazer up from the ground.

“I’m fine.”

“You always say that.” If Hayi to be honest, it hurt. Everything about this did. “What happened anyway?” she forced herself to ask.

He swung his bag on. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just—”

“Hanbin.”

She hadn’t shouted, merely raised her voice and it was enough to stop him from taking another step.

“How?” her voice finally cracked a little. “How can I not worry? You may not have broken a rib this time but you’re still hurt. Look at your knuckles. They’re bleeding and I know it’s not from them!”

The resigned part of Hayi that always told her to overlook these instances came back. In a tiny voice, it persisted that just boys were being boys and petty fights were normal. Especially hot-blooded ones like him. Stuff like this wasn’t even a rarity in their school. She just didn’t like the way he had to be involved most of the time.

Then there was this act of self-infliction.

Some people may know Kim Hanbin to thrash, to push, to spit and to punch. What they did not know, however, was that it was mostly at inanimate objects like the bricked walls of the school building that they were now facing. If she were to look right now, she’d probably find speckles of his blood on its surface.

After all, this wasn’t the first time and maybe, it is better this way. Rather him taking out his anger on people and risk getting expelled, he took it out on a poor wall or that one time, the senior boys’ bathroom. Luckily then, he hadn’t gotten caught.

Yet each time, it was never a pretty sight. It was concerning. Alarmingly so.

Yes, Hayi and the rest of their friends may have accepted all the sides that make up Kim Hanbin along the way of their friendship but this had always bothered them. They just learned to turn a blind eye to it, seeing as they never found a way to control him. They let him vent because bottling it inside might release a beast worse than what they’ve already seen.

But Hayi was quickly becoming sick of it, clinging to a futile wish that it’ll get better somehow. That he’ll learn to control his anger, that he’ll stop hurting himself in the process but it’s already the last year of high school and nothing’s improved.

Only worsened.

Hanbin finally made a sound. A sigh.

And for a second, Hayi wished she could hear a false promise, one that’ll say he’ll try to not lose it next time—but why bother when he couldn’t keep it, right?

He began to walk away. Dismayed, Hayi’s frustration finally flared and she ran after him.

“Hanbin!”

She made a wild grab at his arm and he stopped but just as she was about to give him an earful, her heart seemed to wilt.

“Bobby and the others are waiting for us.”

Just like that her hand fell away.

Hanbin didn’t linger and continued on his way, leaving the girl to watch helplessly, the beating inside her chest hammering so hard, the fists curling at her sides trembled.

Nothing about his tone had been commanding nor mean, but Hayi sensed it. The plea that backed his flat response. He had looked blank, almost cold like his face was known to be and it sapped whatever fire Hayi had.

Just drop it, he seemed to say.

Defeat. Its sombre embrace draped over her, pulling her shoulders down until all Hayi could feel was its familiar weight. Something inside her sank.

Always stuck on the sidelines, feeling powerless to stop or make things better. It was such a depressing feeling and she was starting to get sick of it.

Enough. She needed to do something—anything. She was at her wit’s end as she continued to watch him suffer. But in the end, Hayi could only laugh at herself…

Maybe if you didn’t like him so much, this wouldn’t hurt as much as it does. 

Days after that incident went on as it usually did but Hayi couldn’t shake off what happened and the feelings it brought about. Feeling so damn useless always had a knack to follow her like a restless spirit.

“Hayi-unni!”

She almost jumped, the familiar greeting pulling her back to earth.

It had been like this a while now, losing herself into her own head. She had arrived at the library an hour ago in search of resources for her history assignment coming up. However, with such thoughts, she only managed to read the first sentence on the blurb of a book she picked up earlier over and over again to no avail.

Giving up, she returned the book to the shelf. A distraction would do her good. Turning her head, she saw her dear friend Lee Suhyun approach her with a sweet smile on her face.

“It’s lunchtime,” the girl said. “Are you coming? I’m so hungry I could die!”

That earned the younger girl a teasing grin that Hayi wouldn’t have been capable of if she were talking to anyone else. Lee Suhyun always brought out this side of her; a doting unni—almost like a sister, if you will. 

“Are you sure it’s not because you’re excited to see a certain boy?”

Suhyun’s wide eyes furiously darted from side to side to make sure no one heard. Despite the fact that they were in one of the many aisles of the library, Suhyun turned red as a tomato.

“What?” she croaked. “What are you talking about, unni!”

Hayi chuckled at the flustered girl. “Sorry, I meant Bobby, to be specific—”

A sound between a huff and a frustrated whine interrupted Hayi.

“Don’t mention him!” Suhyun almost hissed. “I’m mad at him right now. Earlier when I bumped into him in the hallway, he had the nerve to mess up my hair that I spent hours on this morning to do! Like what is his deal? Why? Why do I get tormented like this!”

Suhyun’s whispered ramblings followed them as they walked out of the aisle, Hayi leading them to her spot in the library to gather her belongings. 

“You guys are too cute,” she commented after pulling her bag over one shoulder. Suhyun rol