Right now, I am lying on our bed waiting for her to come back. She had just excused herself to go get a basin and water so she could perform a sponge bath on me. An additional fun fact, I am currently crying right now. I just couldn’t help it when I was able to hold her earlier on this bed as she was helping me. I couldn’t help but to utter my ‘I love you’ to her as if it would be my only chance.

I wanted that time to stop. . . so I could hold her much longer.

Should I be sick forever?

In just a few minutes, I see the door opening again and so I follow my gaze there. She was holding a basin and had a towel hung on her shoulders. I cautiously pull myself up together so that I wouldn’t cry anymore as she neared the bed. She placed the basin down the bedside table for a while as she sat on the edge of the bed. It was silent. She begins squeezing the towel into the water so I sit up as much as I could. I stare at her. I really missed staring at her. Her side profile, her long eyelashes fairly visible although it’s dim.

I miss having this much attention from her.

I gulp as I feel her move closer to me. Before I knew it, she began wiping my face with the warm towel. Her eyes were fixated onto my cheeks, down to my neck as she wiped them all while mine were fixated at her face. Just then, she begins ing my shirt and so I let her. She removed it from me and spoke, “The weather’s very cold, so you should avoid staying out too much.” I felt an undeniable goosebumps as her hand with the towel reaches my chest area.

I want us to stay this close forever. Can we?

“Oh—wait, I forgot to check your temperature.” She tells and was about to get up so I pulled her down again. “I’m fine. It’s not that bad. Sponge bath is enough.” I speak as I hold her cold hand with my warm ones. I held it like my life depended on it, or perhaps it really does. I held it like I will never hold it again once I let go. With her other hand, she continues rubbing the warm towel onto my chest, then it moved down to my arms. Her eyes never meeting mine. So with the courage that was left in my system I asked, “Are you okay?” I observe her eyes that moved everywhere but to my me.

“W-why’d you ask?” She mutters, barely moving .

“Nothing, just. . . maybe it’s just me but it’s like. . . there’s a barrier between us for the past few days.” There, I said it. I feel like this is now or in a millennium and we’d be dead in a millennium so it must be now. Finally, we made eye-contact, her hand together with the towel falling down from my arm.

So. . . there really is a barrier? Could it be me?

I feel so disappointed. Confirming it hurts even more than not knowing.

“Forget it.” I muffle and cut the eye-contact first. I feel her move, she put the towel down the basin for a while before crawling more towards the bed and sat right across me so I lift my legs away to give her space. “Could we talk about this right now or you’re too sick?” She asks and that’s when I started panicking inside. I remain looking at a different direction while I rub the back of my neck. “If you’re not that weak, you can open up your worries to me and I will listen.” She begins speaking and my tears begin forming again. “I will do the same and vice versa. Now if you’re too sick, then let’s forget about it first the—“You’ve been looking at me differently and I’m not stupid not to see it.” I finally had the courage to cut her off.

I glance at her and she looked lost, surprise was evident in her eyes. I look away again and I know tears were beginning to crawl down my cheeks. I couldn’t breathe normally. “Y-you. . . you avoid my eyes every single time.” I continue on and even I am surprised at how much I am crying right now. I am literally catching my breath. “Your voice sounds like. . . you’re not well when I’m around.” I start sobbing like a kid and with the tinge of embarrassment I am accumulating inside, I put the back of my hand up to cover my eyes.

“And. . . and it’s killing me inside.” I bend down my lap, sobbing loudly like a child. I could not control myself at all. All the anguish that has been building up inside of me came out when I started speaking. My lips were quivering so much as I lift my head up again to look at her. I gave in and just let her see my devastated face. “I’m not doing anything bad, am I?” I ask, fear was evident in my tone. Even I could hear it.

That’s when she begins crying hard as well while covering .

“Did I treat you wrongly or displease you in any sort?” I continue asking as to not getting any response from her aside from her sobs. Then, she shakes her head. Is that enough as an answer? No. It doesn’t help at all. I need to hear her out. “Then why do you keep giving me the cold shoulders? Did you think I wouldn’t feel it the first second you gave it to me? You’re my wife.” I argue and she looks down, her shoulders shivering tremendously as she cries.

“D-do I have to be sick to get your sincere awareness of my presence?” I continue and it is frustrating me even more. I need to know why. She then looks up to me and it hurt me even more to see her pained expression as she speaks. “I-I didn’t give you cold shoulders. . . Kyungsoo, I wa—“I know when you’re mad, when you’re happy, when you’re worried but this is the first time I couldn’t comprehend what’s running in your mind. I d-don’t know what I did. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is all about.” I interrupt her explanation.

Do you guys have any idea on how hard it is to cry while having a cold?

I’m not even sure myself if she even understands what I’m trying to say.

“I c-could have figured it out. I could have been that intelligent but it’s about you. . . you make me lose all the capability to think right e-especially now that you’re ignoring me. . . It's hurting me mentally and physically.” I explained as much as I could. “I never ignored you, I was t-the same. . . Kyungsoo.” She answers back and grabs my hand. “It’s ignorance for me because I’m hurting. It hurts so much, Iseul. Y-you need to tell me what I did so I could correct it.” I tell her, I demanded more because I need to fix this.

Whatever this is.

She begins crying hard while having her face right on my lap. She keeps on muttering ‘Sorry’ and it hurts me to hear such thing from her. Since I didn’t even know why. “I w-would do anything just to correct whatever it is that I have done, Iseul. . . Just don’t d-do this to me because it’s really killing me mentally. You’re scaring me. Please. . .” I mutter and lean down as well, placing my lips right on her head.

Then, she lefts her head up again, our eyes meeting. “I w-will say it, fine. . .” She muffle and I wipe my tears while nodding. I watch her stand up leaving me on the bed. She went to the closet and was taking out something from the drawer. As she walks back to me, I stare at her hand. “What is that. . .” I muffle seeing what’s in her hands, I can’t really tell what they are yet. “I saw these in your luggage.” She mutters and place them down the bed.

As soon as I had my eyes on them, I realize what they are.

A pack of which was empty and a paper, a small-sized paper.

I pick them up right away.

What does these have to do with us? Why is she showing me these?

It didn’t make sense to me.

How can such things ruin our relationship? What did it do? I look up to her in confusion, tears continue trickling down my cheeks. This time, it was because of disbelief. “I don’t know about these.” I mutter in all honesty. I think I would need an explanation to actually get to where she was trying to go. She eagerly nods while moving closer to me on the bed. “I believe you now. . . b-but those were the r