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[Rei]

How is it possible for someone who had told you that you were their chosen one, but screws the fate over for someone else? I would never admit my feelings that I have for him because I don’t think I do especially when he’s with someone, and with the fact that I was no longer his mate makes everything more complicated.

Matter of fact, how the hell did I come to this part of the story? I hate him, I know that I hate him, but how did that motherer dig his dirty paws into my heart? This is bull. It doesn’t make sense at all.

But, I do know that he loves her, though his wolf said otherwise. That’s just ed up. I can’t imagine how it feels to have two voices in your head, one being your subconscious, while the other one belonged to the wolf, who’s got no rational thoughts whatsoever but to claim what’s right for him.

I’m not going to be anyone’s home-wrecker, though I admit those kisses were uncalled for (secretly it felt amazing), and I wasn’t sure why I even allowed him. My parents and grandparents taught me better. Never to be anyone’s second best. If my feelings do truly decide that I have one for him, then I’ll admire him from afar – only if I do. But no matter how I feel about it, I think this is just one of those phases or spur of the moment thing.

And yes, I remember a few of the memories that were taken involuntarily from me. I recalled pieces of the moment at the bonfire, in the woods where I saw his wolf – he looked beautiful, I admit – I also caught on the last bit of memory at the gathering they threw for Darius. The first time he kissed me.

I wanted to strangle him and drown myself at the same time when those memories rushed through my head, it happened on the third day of drinking my Southern grandmother’s ‘Cleanse’ tea, and I passed out again.

How can I love someone else when I can’t even love myself? That’s some cliché , but yes, it’s true. I remember how my mother always told me that to really love someone, I need to learn and try to love myself first because if I don’t, someone will take advantage of me and hurt me, and all I’m going to do is let them.

Sigh. I stare at the words in the novel in my hands. When did I have time to do all these? What am I doing actually? Why is my mind drifting far away from where I am?

I came out, to the café not far from my house to sit, eat cakes, drink coffee and try to get my mind off some things by reading the novel I just borrowed not too long ago. Not think about him and that damn lips of his.

Ever since I stopped drinking Asumi’s homemade chrysanthemum tea, and my grandparents continue to give me the “Cleanse” tea – I’ve been more deranged than usual, and that troubles me a lot. I can’t focus, can’t think properly, my emotions are all over the place, and most of all I keep feeling confused. As to what, I’m not quite sure. But I’m still learning, so one step at a time.

Personally, I think, the Amnesia tea was a good thing to be given to me because it helps me forget things I don’t want to remember. And obviously, it also suppresses my actual feelings about everything and everyone around me. It basically keeps me in check.

All of my chores and training were dismissed for a week straight because I’m pretty sure my grandparents can see how I’ve been acting lately. It’s like I’m not myself. And that’s why I can come out of the house and waste time like this, and think about non-sense things.

My grandparents gave me the permission to go wherever I want to, but of course, a handful of men going undercover are around me – keeping an eye on me in case I go nuts or something.

I sat at a table far away from the entrance, near the window. I re-read the line until I actually memorized it. Then moved on to the next paragraph, I was busy reading the book I borrowed from the library the other day, The Picture of Dorian Grey. I was excited to move on to the next chapter but halted when someone called my name, rather excitedly.

“Rei!” I looked up to find Miyu, the boys, and Mark. I’m surprised his girlfriend didn’t tag along, who I’ve also come to learn that she’s a werewolf. That confirmation was given by Bambam.

I don’t know why, but there’s something off about that girl. I couldn’t put my finger on where exactly; it’s not that I’m jealous. But as a Yakuza, I must rely on my instinct and there’s definitely something about Mark’s girlfriend, something that she’s hiding about who she really is.

Anyways, back to present. I wanted to spend my weekend alone. If I tell them to go away, I know for a fact that Miyu would be sad especially since she almost stopped hanging out with me (or so I thought she did). I was back to square one, alone, but hey, I don’t mind it at all.

Without asking, Miyu plopped herself down on the chair next to mine while the rest of the boys find their own chair and huddled around us. I closed the book with a silent sigh. I caught Mark looking at me with an undefined expression which bothered me a little, but whatever.

I felt claustrophobic all of a sudden; I wanted nothing more but to scream. However, I took my time and control these overwhelming feelings as quickly as possi