I ask myself but it’s always the same answer
Like being lost, I keep looking for you
Like fate that was decided from the day I was born, from the day the world started

An Encore ~ SHINee

Before

It was her birthday and Jinki was so busy that he didn’t have time to even think about the perfect present to give her. Instead he promised Lillie that he would work harder to give her a present on Christmas.

They couldn’t celebrate her birthday with a special dinner since he had a packed schedule but he picked her up after it and they went to the movies together.

The movie was probably very interesting but they didn’t watch it attentively, instead they make out throughout it to the point that Lillie left the theater with lips and cheeks red.

There was a lot of kissing and caresses involved since the room was almost empty due to the late time, giving them privacy and they missed each other terribly.

The night was warm and they walked on the street for a while avoiding the most busy ones so they could held hands, even though he was using a sick mask and a snapback.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t a real gift!” He said after a while since she didn’t say a word ever since they left the theater.

“It’s ok. It’s our first time watching a movie alone so it’s a memory.” Although she barely could remember the movie.

Lillie could only remember his breath against her neck, the warmth of his lips on hers, the texture of his hand caressing her back under her sweater, the whispering of sweet words, his scent.

“You aren’t upset?” Jinki asked just to be certain. Women was not his specialty.

“No.” She said leaning closer to him as if she was cold.

“You are so quiet!” He remarked suspicious.

“I’m…” Lillie stuttered a bit raising her eyes to him “A little….in a daze…we did kiss a lot.”

“Are you aroused?” He asked laughing at her reaction.

Lillie didn’t answer but pouted slightly. “It’s your fault. You kept caressing me under my sweater. And I’m not aroused…just….my heart is fluttering a lot.” It was true. She couldn’t stop looking at him lovingly, her heart beating fast. Only he had that power over her, to make her weak on her knees, butterflies on her stomach…

Jinki smiled mischievously and even though she couldn’t see his lips thanks to the mask she knew it.

“I really loved it. We need to do this more times.”

“Pay for a movie ticket and make out instead?”

“Aaaah it’s dark and we even have a soundtrack to it! All the dramatic music and when the scary song comes out and you hold on to me tighter, kissing more deeply….hum.”

Lillie chuckled with his words.  “I wish I could spend all my birthdays with you.”

“You will! I’ll do my best so it will happen!” He said wrapping his arm around her shoulder, his fingers playing with her hair.

“It’s getting too long. I have to cut it!” Lillie said “Maybe shoulder length? Do something different!”

“Hum…No.” He didn’t want it.

“Why? You said you liked shorter hair. That you didn’t mind.”

“I don’t but I love your hair, how it falls over your shoulders and chest and on your back when you are .” He blushed a little and she melted with his cuteness “It’s very y and beautiful. Don’t cut it please.”

That made Lillie laugh and she grabbed his hand over her shoulder.

“I mean if you really want t, it’s not like I’m going to forbid you to do it…”

“It’s ok Jinki. I’ll keep it. I wont cut much!”

He seemed happy with her decision and without notice pulled her into a hug.

“Let’s end up what we started in my car.” He whispered on her ear.

One year later Lillie was inside a hospital room watching over her father. Her mother and brother sang her happy birthday earlier and she even had a cake.

However something was missing. Jules and the girls, her only fiends weren’t there. Jinki wasn’t there even though they promised to spend her birthday together that year also.

It was ok. She was doing the right thing. She was beside her father and he was in South Korea living his life and probably not even remembering that it was her birthday now that they parted ways.

Even though it was afternoon where Lillie was, it was night in Seoul and Lee Jinki was watching a movie alone at the same theater, his eyes on the screen even though he wasn’t paying any attention to it, thinking about her as much as she was thinking about him.

“Where is Taemin?” Kibum asked throwing his bag over the table startling Jinki that was focused on the laptop in front of him.

They should be practicing but instead were taking a break while Taemin went to buy food.

“It was his time to buy food.” One of the dancers said and Kibum sighed in front of Jinki.

“You have a new laptop.”

“No.” Jinki said quickly. “It’s Jonghyun’s. I was just checking something.”

Kibum released another deep sigh and Jinki raised his eyes from the laptop to him again “Something wrong?”

“Jules sent me a text saying that she is out with her new business partners!” He raised his fingers in the air making quotations marks.

“And?” Minho asked joining them and making Jinki relieved since he could get back to what he was searching on the laptop.

He didn’t know the name of the song but he was able to find it using parts of the lyrics that he couldn’t forget, singing on his head. He smiled finally reading the full lyrics in Korean so it was easier for him to understand them, rereading some parts just to be sure he could comprehend the full meaning of it.

Kibum noticed how Jinki was smiling now at something he was seeing on the laptop, ignoring him. How could he ignore him when he was in the middle of opening his heart to him?! What was more important than a strange girlfriend wanting to make him jealous?!

“Her business partners are those cousins that were after Lillie.” The mention of her name made Jinki raise his head as if he was one of those moles on a whack a mole game.

Kibum would have smiled if he wasn’t upset “That Jinho and Dojoon….sigh. She spends all her free time with them now and brags about it to me.”

Minho smiled mischievously while Jinki listened to their conversation, not much more interested.

Jinho didn’t make him as jealous as it did before since he had a girlfriend and Lillie rejected him in the past, but Dojoon’s name was different. The mention of that man made his blood boil. He could still picture in his head how he kissed Lillie, his hand on her back, caressing her over the dress like he did so many times, his lips touching hers. Jinki closed his eyes in pain.

“So you are jealous!” Minho grinned, teasing Kibum.

“No. I’m not! I’m upset because she keeps trying to make me jealous. It’s annoying me!”

Minho stared at Kibum surprised “Isn’t that because she loves you?”

“Yeah well, I also love her and she doesn’t see me trying to make her jealous with every girl in the world. Why is she even doing this?!” He complained cutely his voice filled with aegyo and making Minho tremble. He hated his aegyo.

“Why should I know?!”

Kibum didn’t have time to complain any longer because Taemin was back with Jonghyun, that apparently accompanied him, both talking amicable about something.

“Food is here!” Minho sang, everyone sitting at the table opening the plastic bags.

Jinki didn’t move from his seat. He was waiting for the song to be downloaded into his cellphone and he was still rereading the lyrics on the screen of the laptop.

“Aren’t you coming to eat?” Jonghyun asked curious and Jinki stood up. He waited for the download to be over and then smiled.

“Let’s eat!” he announced joining them around the food.

Later when Jonghyun was tidying up the table and was going to put his laptop away he smiled to himself, noticing that Jinki forgot to close the window of what he was searching.

The lyrics in Korean of Nothing gonna stop us now were on the screen, the same song Lillie sang to Jinki at Kibum’s party. So that was what was making him smile like an idiot, the same song he downloaded, and the same one he sowed interest on?!

Only they couldn’t see that Nothing was going to stop that feeling they felt for each other. 

Lillie pushed the box further to the middle of her bedroom and then stared at Jinki’s big poster over her desk. It was her favorite poster of him since he was looking at the camera with his sweet smile as if he was looking through her. Once in that same room she asked Jinki what he was thinking about when they took him that picture and he offered her that same goofy smile and shrugged his shoulders because he had no idea.

She shrugged too giving it one last look and then pulled it away from the wall, rolling it up and placing it inside the box. She looked around her bedroom looking for another sign of SHINee or him but she didn’t find anything.  The posters, pictures with him, gifts he gave her, and even the soft toys he gave her were all inside the boxes.

It wasn’t as if she wasn’t a shawol anymore, she was and she still listened to their music but she was trying to save herself from him and her memories with him, trying to erase his traces from her bedroom.

Did it hurt?! Of course it did hurt! The last days she spent crying thinking about it, and she hugged Tokki the soft toy against her to sleep the previous night, saying goodbye to it.  She didn’t have the ring on her finger anymore and it was, with the one that belonged to him before, inside the snow globe next to the beautiful star necklace he gave to her.

Lillie closed the boxes and pushed them to a corner of her bedroom.

They would stay there since she didn’t dare to throw them away, like she didn’t dare to erase the messages he sent her, his phone number and that last kakao message with him singing to her. She could hide all traces of him from her sight, she could even pretend that he didn’t exist but she could never forget him.

Dojoon was right; she didn’t even want to forget him because loving Jinki even if it was an unrequited love, still made her smile and day dream. It still made her warm.

It was funny but Lillie felt as if she was back to the person she was before she started to date him. She was different now, he was different too and yet that feeling of loving at a distance, of having to hide your feelings around him was still very present.

She looked at the empty walls of her bedroom and then at her bed where there was still the same purple cover with the two pillows where Jinki lied down so many times, lazily kissing her or napping while she worked.

She could take away Lee Jinki from her bedroom but she could never take him away from her heart.

However Lillie hoped that slowly she would be able to move on and restart her life like he did. She opened her closet, her eyes moving on the several dresses she wore for him and then falling on the person looking at her from the mirror.

It was her. She still had the same big innocent eyes that Jinki seemed to like so much, her body still looked the same and she felt even more beautiful now since she was thinner.

Yet her hair was different. Lillie touched her now short hair that wasn’t even reaching her shoulders and moved her fingers on the slightly curly tips.

Jinki asked her to not cut it before since he found it y how her hair fell over her body. He was a ert and yet she loved the way he looked at her , how he run his fingers on her hair while they make out. That was probably the reason she did cut it.

She couldn’t bear to remember his fingers moving on it every time she combed and washed her hair.

Jules said she looked good, even younger and that it was now a trend to have short hair.

Lillie smiled. She would be ok.

“Did you take everything already?” Jules asked from the door looking sadly at the empty white walls. She was sure Lillie and Jinki would be ok, that Lillie would never give up on him and yet that was a clear sign of moving on.

“Yes. It surely looks different.”

“I don’t like it!” Jules said honestly and Lillie grabbed her arm playfully.

“You will get used to it!” Like she would eventually.

They weren’t in a relationship even though it seemed like it for everyone.

Lillie wasn’t dating Dojoon even though they were meeting frequently out of work and doing things couples normally did. It was good to be able to date openly, without the fear of being attacked by a crazy fangirl.

However there was no skinship – she said she would kick him if he tried to kiss her again – and most of the time they spent together they talked about work, their families and Lee Jinki.

Lillie had fun with Dojoon but for her he was like a precious friend, someone she learned to appreciate and that made her feel better.

They preferred not to label what they had even though everyone thought they were dating. Jinho was even a little upset with his cousin- which amused him – and Jules dislike for Dojoon seemed to get worse lately. She was clearly on team Jinki.

That night, like usual, they were doing something couples normally do and they were leaving the movie theater followed by other couples holding hands. They weren’t even touching each other and yet they were walking close, beside each other talking like old friends.

“It was a good movie. I almost fell asleep when he went searching for her but the scene was nice.”

Lillie looked at him annoyed “I can’t believe you didn’t like the best scene of the movie. You are truly a ert man.”

“Wrong! I’m a man! All men would prefer the y scene of the woman taking off her clothes slowly for her boyfriend over the romantic crap of him running to her inside the hospital.”

She puckered her lips and wrinkled her nose clearly not agreeing with him and Dojoon watched her appreciatively. He loved when she did that and that was one of the main reasons he liked to annoy her. For sure the idol thought the same. Teasing her was the perfect path to make her natural cuteness come out.

“Ask any man!” He added “they will all tell you the same. If they don’t they are lying!”

She bit her lower lip thinking about his words. Would Jinki say the same?!…no she should stop thinking about him.

Dojoon stretched his arms in the air clearly knowing what she was thinking about.

“I rarely came to the movies before.”

“Why?” He asked with mild interest his eyes on a hot woman that was crossing the street, her skirt dangerously rising with the wind letting him see part of her thighs.

Lillie didn’t even notice it; eyeing the ground in front of her “I only came with Jinki.” The mention of his name barely made Dojoon blink since it was something too common and he focused his attention on Lillie now that the woman was out of his sight.

“We always went after midnight too. It was too dangerous to go earlier.”

“Oh I see. It’s also a good moment to make out. I should have attacked you…slide my hand on your back and dive for a kiss.”

“I would kick you!” She warned him, her heart beating fast only with that thought. Not because it attracted her but because it scared her “And yes…it is!”

The cute blush that reached her cheeks was all Dojoon needed to further “I bet you never watched any of the movies with him until the end. Bet it all end up in heavy making out.”

Lillie giggled embarrassed and nodded her head “True. I don’t think I remember much of any of them either.”

She smiled at Dojoon and he could see the sparkle on her eyes slowly disappearing when the memories were slowly also fading from her mind. It was memories, not more than that.

“I’m sorry that everything reminds you of him.”

Maybe he should be more careful and try to avoid her ex-boyfriend but the truth was that he didn’t want to stop talking about him. Once he did it was as if Lee Jinki wasn’t there anymore and that meant that he was truly dating a woman he cared about for the first time and doing it without any skinship.

“Not everything!” she answered while they crossed the street.

Dojoon deep laughter almost made her stop on the middle of the crossway and he softly pulled her with him to the sidewalk “Last week we went to that bar near the Han River and you said you always wanted to go there with him and couldn’t because he was famous. Then we thought about going to the amusement park and you mentioned how he liked it. Then we talked about the zoo and you remembered how he promised to take you. And yesterday there was that coffee shop that had amazing coffee that would blow his mind and after you…”

“Ok, I get it!” She pleaded him to stop raising her hands. “I’m sorry I keep mentioning him.”

“I don’t mind.” He truly didn’t. He liked her, probably more than he should and yet he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. At least not the kind of relationship she wanted needed and deserved.

“Really?”

“Yes. I like you Lillie and I like the way you speak about him. How your eyes light up as if there are stars inside them when you tell me about something he did, how your voice gets this unique color to it when you say his name, how your cheeks get all rosy when you remember the romantic things he did for you. And when you get all overprotective of him when I ditch him?! You get the cutest when you are thinking about him.”

Lillie felt as if she was living an out of this world situation. It’s true that they weren’t truly dating like a normal couple and yet it wasn’t supposed for him to say things like that.

“This is the weirdest of the relationships.”

“You said it wasn’t a real relationship!” he reminded her and both laughed.

“God…I’m so sorry.” She said feeling tears coming to her eyes.

There they were in the middle of the street after a date and she was once again thinking and talking about other man.

“It’s ok.” Dojoon reassured her “It’s hard to forget true love. Besides your teary eyes are cute too.”

“True love?!” she whined remembering how Taemin called it true love before too.What a joke?! That kind of thing didn't exist. There was no two people destined to be together. Finding someone special like that was a miracle. In that sense true love was just luck. Lillie covered her cheeks “What is the point of true love if it’s only one way?”

“I still think he likes you.”

Lillie ignored Dojoon and started walking too. He easily caught up with her just in time to hear her ask him if they should eat anything.

“Topboki!” He suggested rubbing his tummy.

“Bubble Tea!” She turned to him excited “Definitely Bubble Tea!”

Dojoon didn’t fight back because he knew there was no way he could win that discussion when she looked at him like that, with a beautiful smile on her face and wet eyes.

Dating Lillie in secret was hard but dating Min Hee was way harder. Both were famous and both could be followed. That was why they parked their cars beside the Han River and were now drinking Bubble Tea and talking inside Min Hee’s car.

Things weren’t better between them. After the party they barely met and were back to being friends. Min Hee tried to convince herself that they were slowly getting to know each other better and that they would date again in the future but clearly that didn’t seem to be Jinki’s plans and he just stared into nothingness, lost on his own thoughts while she spoke about herself.

“…it went so well I might get a new solo song in the next album.”

“That’s good.” Jinki said sincerely eyeing the bubble inside his tea move. “You improved a lot.”

“Thanks to you! Maybe we should practice together again!” she suggested excitedly but Jinki softly shock his head.

“I’m busy.”

She didn’t even dare to argue with him so instead she moved on her seat brushing her hair away from her top so he could see her body better. He was a man after all and maybe he missed her body. He surely wasn’t with a woman in a while.

However Jinki wasn’t looking at her, his eyes widened and he moved on his seat his nose getting closer to the window while he watched something outside.

Min Hee followed his gaze.

Lillie, his ex was outside walking beside that man that was also at the party, her new boyfriend. That was perfect and Min Hee smiled delighted. That was another stab on Jinki’s heart…wait…

She worried looked at him, her sudden happiness dying because she could see the pain on his eyes.

“She cut her hair.” He mumbled touching the glass of the window as if he was trying to touch her through it. “She looks beautiful.” The corner of his lips rose a little bit and he almost smiled.

“She does seem happy!” Min Hee observed eyeing him, hoping that that pain he was feeling now would make him forget her once and for all.

Jinki watched them until they disappeared from their angle of vision and then he sloped back into the seat as if all strength left his body.

“I think I’m going home!” He announced ready to open the door of the car but Min Hee leaned over him and stopped him.

Yes she was going to beg him to stay, to lose all her dignity in front of a man, for a man.

“Stay.”

He looked at her sadly and Min Hee cringed because that was all that she ever got from him. He didn’t love her at all, he never did and worse he seemed to hate being around her more and more. Maybe because in a way he blamed her for not being with Lillie. And he didn’t know about what she did…once he did it was over.

“I’m sorry Min Hee.” He said once again “Right now this is the only thing I can give to you. I don’t think I can love you. This is not working out and…”

“No!” She stopped him before he said more and he tried to talk again but she once again stopped him, joining her lips with his.

Jinki didn’t answer to the kiss, frozen on his seat, his hands gently pushing her away from him.

Min Hee tears started to fall from her eyes and she sat back on her seat, silence filling the car.

There was no use. They were over and she knew it.

“I’m leaving.” Jinki said after a while in such a soft voice that Min Hee was sure that he still felt guilty. How could he when it was all her fault?!

“I’m sorry!” She said knowing that it was the time to come clean about everything. “I know that I always pushed you into this relationship, that I used your good heart to make you stay with me.”

“It’s not your fault. I liked it. I liked having someone taking care of me; loving me…I needed it at the time after Lillie left me. I used you in a way Min Hee. I’m an idiot…I’m a complete…”

“No you are not. I knew it and still I stayed beside you. I didn’t mind it because I thought that things would change.” She sniffed trying to hold the tears “She abandoned you.”

“Her family needed her. She had her reasons.” Once again he was defending her. He would always defend her.

“Why didn’t you get back together after she came back?”

Jinki didn’t know also. He could have broken up with Min Hee at any time and yet he didn’t. Part of him didn’t want to hurt Min Hee but was that all?!

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to hurt you more than I did.”

He stared at his bubble tea that he barely drank. He wanted coffee instead. He had Min Hee that was fun to be around, sweet and y and yet he wanted Lillie instead that made all his senses wake up, that gave him energy, that was all he loved. If he wanted her instead why was he so indecisive about it?!

A sob coming from Min Hee made Jinki feel even guiltier and he patted her shoulder awkwardly.  “I did my best. I tried to love you.” He swallowed realizing that once before Lillie tried to do the same with Alex. You can never force love. “I’m honest Min Hee. I like you. You are a good friend but Lillie...she is more than a friend. She is the first woman I actually loved. There were more before her and I suffered before but Lillie…she is…”

He moved his hand to his neck instinctively searching for the ring that he didn’t have anymore and Min Hee didn’t miss the gesture. It caused her even more pain and was one of the reasons she tossed and her bed every night.

She felt guilty because she knew that she was the one who made Lillie gave up on Jinki, who made him so miserable those last weeks.

“Why do you kept that ring? Why is it important?” She asked him now in tears.

“Because…” why was it so important?! He asked himself that so many times before. He was never the kind to care much about expensive things. He used to wear the same coat for years until it was all ripped. Maybe that was why that ring was precious. It wasn’t a simple ring; it was also a part of him. “Because it’s a memento of what I had with Lillie, of what I wanted us to have. I once asked her to marry me. I saw myself spending all my life with her and the idea of being with someone forever is so scary. Yet I wanted it. That ring is not an engagement ring but it was the first one I bought for a woman and the first time I truly thought about having something with someone that lasted more than the present.  I like to be alone. I never saw myself wanting to take care of someone. I like animals but even a pet sounds too much like a big responsibility, tying me down and yet…I want to take care of her. It’s insane! Can you understand that?” He was honest, probably too honest since Min Hee’s guilty eyes were on his. “It doesn’t matter now. I lost it.”

The ring and her.

His voice died in a low whisper and Min Hee closed her eyes in pain. She never saw him speak so passionately about something before besides music. She was truly important to him and that ring was a sign of it.

“I’m sorry Jinki. I’m so sorry!” She turned to him wrapping her arms around his neck. It didn’t have any sign of malice or seductiveness and Jinki patted her back a little startled with the gesture.

“Why are you saying you are sorry?” Last time she reacted so badly when he told her that he lost the ring “I’m the one who screwed up and lost it.”

“I lied!” Min Hee confessed. “I lied to you and to her.”

“What?” She almost lost her courage because of his innocent expression. He trusted her and she betrayed his trust.

“I was the one who took the ring from you. I sent Lillie a text from your phone.“ His jaw stiffened but Min Hee didn’t stop. Not now that she finally was strong enough to tell him the truth “I met her where we watched the fireworks and I pretend that you were the one who sent me. I told her that you decided that you wanted to cut all ties with her. I asked her to leave us alone and I gave the ring back to her because you said that you didn’t need it anymore.”

Jinki didn’t react, his blank expression scaring Min Hee. He didn’t have to anyway, his cold disappointed eyes looking at her was enough to make her look away ashamed.

“I’m so sorry” She covered her face not daring to face him anymore.

“You gave the ring back to her and told her to forget about me?” He asked coldly.

“Yes. I was trying to protect you!”

“Protect me?” he asked oblivious and she dared to look at him regretting it immediately because he seemed to be in pain now, finally realizing what happened at the party, why Lillie ignored him, why she wasn’t wearing his ring, why she was with another man, why she cut her hair…she was moving on, like she thought he told her to.  “You made her give up on me!” he mumbled faintly.

“I was trying to protect you.” Min Hee repeated. “She left you once and…”

“I’m not a kid!” He answered firmly, now angry ”I’m not a kid! You didn’t have the right to…” He his lips trying to control his anger, curling his hands into fists. He was so mad with Min Hee that for a second he hated her. “I don’t want to see you…not for now. I need to think. I’m really upset and disappointed!” He said opening the door of her car. “Please leave me alone for a while!”

With that he left her car closing the door. Min Hee watched him walk to his own car and soon he drove away.

Now alone she cried her heart out, knowing that he probably would never forgive her, that they were over and that he was now free to go after the woman he loved. Even though she felt as if she ripped her heart from her chest she finally felt relieved that she told him the truth.

You can’t simply avoid a person forever and Taemin decided to follow Jinki’s advice.

That’s why that night he met with Minseo inside the empty dance studio. She was sitting on a corner of the room with her headphones on her ears, eyes closed hearing to music and Taemin sat beside her, careful to not touch her and without saying anything.

It was comfortable to be beside her which was strange to him. It was funny because Minseo wasn’t like the other girls he knew, she didn’t make him nervous as the other girls did. Of course that sometimes he still didn’t know what to say to her or how to act around her but normally he felt relaxed beside her, as if she was one of the guys. When he thought about it Minseo wasn’t much different from Jinki hyung, with her cheerful personality and the ability to draw everyone to her. The similarities ended there though.

She opened her eyes and glanced at him as if his presence didn’t surprise her and immediately flashed at him a sincere smile that warmed him inside.

That was it. I was her warm personality that attracted him, the way she shined. It was like the admiration he felt towards Jinki hyung. He also felt the same towards her.

“You aren’t late.” She took of her headphones and turned off the music “Idols are always late. That’s why I decided to listen to music until you showed up.”

“I didn’t have many schedules today.”

“Is that good or bad?”

He shrugged his shoulders not sure about it “I actually like busy days. If I’m working I feel less anxious about what I have to do. It’s like I’m already halfway through the path to reach my objectives.”

“Makes sense. That’s probably why you practice so much.” She smiled again grabbing her bag and he watched her rummage through it and finally taking two bottles of banana milk.

The sight of it made Taemin giggle and Minseo happily offered one to him “weren’t you the banana milk god before?”

He accepted it and both stick the straws on the bottles drinking from it in silence.

“This is funny.” He mumbled biting at his straw glancing at her from the corner of his eyes.

“I know it would. That’s why I got it. It will probably make it easier for us to talk, because we need to talk don’t we?”

“We do.” He took a deep breath and spread his legs in front of him. It was funny because she also spread hers and both looked at the difference between them. She was so much shorter than him. However that didn’t make a difference when they had . Taemin still remembered how they rolled in the bed, how she fitted perfectly against him, how they moved their hips together finding the right way to link their bodies, how she wrapped her legs around his body.

Suddenly the room was too hot and he moved his fingers on the collar of his t-shirt. However she didn’t seem to notice moving her feet cutely as if she was a little girl.

Clearly he was only attracted to her cute sunshine side that resembled Jinki a little. Only that.

“We should be only friends.” She said making Taemin widen his eyes. He was expecting her to hold on to him, to make his rejection towards her complicated and yet the same girl that held on to Minho was now rejecting him.

“Really?”

“Yes. It’s not like any of us wants a relationship. I mean the was good but…”

The was good. Her words made his skin burn hot and Taemin swallowed with difficulty because it was even as if the oxygen in the room was quickly disappearing.

“I agree.” He said, because that was what he was going to do anyway. He was going to tell her that they should be only friends.

“That’s it then. Let’s be friends!” She raised her hand for him to shake and Taemin grabbed her hand softly. She smiled brightly at him and then leaned forward kissing his cheek.

“You are a very precious person Taemin. I’m glad we can be friends.”

She grabbed her bag and stood up, walking away from the room.

He saw her throw her empty bottle of banana milk into a trashcan and the room was silent again with only him inside.

Even though he was the only one there the oxygen wasn’t back and he still was burning as if she was there beside him.

It was a relief that she didn’t want to have a relationship with him.

He told himself that and drank the rest of his milk.

Lillie rolled on the bed, unable to sleep because she was used to hug Tokki to sleep every night. After she broke up with Jinki, that soft toy was his replacement. Now that he was inside one of the boxes on the corner of her bedroom Lillie was wide awake thinking about her “date” with Dojoon.

Lillie hid under her covers remembering how Dojoon said that she looked the cutest when she mentioned Jinki. That shouldn’t make her all giddy and yet it did. It was weird how she went on a date with a man and kept thinking about another one as if he was truly there with her.

She covered her body to her nose and sighed closing her eyes. She didn’t need to try really hard to imagine it. Jinki laying on the bed beside her, almost , over the covers of her bed because he was always hot, his eyes closed because he was sleeping, lying on his side facing her. She could almost swear that if she rolled on the bed and stretched her hand she would be able to touch him, to run her fingers on his nose and down to his lips, touching the birth mark he had on them. He would kiss her fingers like he did so many times before and pull her to him, their laughter and her screams filling the bedroom when he tickled her making Jules complain outside the door because they were making too much noise and waking up the old woman from 2D.

However when Lillie opened her eyes she was still alone on her bed.

She didn’t have time to feel disappointed because her cellphone rang and she knew that ringtone. It was the one she associated to him; it was Married to the Music, SHINee’s last song.

Lillie sat on the bed immediately and checked the id of the caller still not believing it.

It was Jinki. She thought he had given up on calling her and apparently he didn’t.

She hugged the cellphone against her chest wondering what she should do. More than what she should do what she wanted to do.

“Hello!” Of course she wanted to hear his voice.

“H-hello!” He did seem surprised as if he didn’t expect her to answer the call.

“Jinki….”

“I’m sorry I called you.” His voice was low and Lillie knew he has been drinking. He wasn’t drunk but she could always notice on his voice when he drank enough to be tipsy.

“Are you drinking?”

“No. I was. I’m on my bed now.”

“Really?” she needed to be sure. She hated when he was outside alone drinking. It wasn’t good for someone famous like him.

“I’m sure. It might be Kibum’s room….wait no…it’s mine.”

She smiled because he was still the cutest as ever.

“Why did you call?”

“I don’t know. I guess I missed your voice. I missed my best friend.”

Lillie rested her back against the head of her bed and pulled her pillow to place it behind her.

“I’m here.”

She would always be there for him. She did promise him that she would and he was her best friend after all.

“Don’t you miss talking with me? Like we did before, every night at the end of the day. I always called my mother and then you. It feels weird now when I only call her.” He laughed softly and Lillie closed her eyes focusing all her attention on his voice, on the roughness on it when he laughed due to the alcohol, how contrasting it was with the way he spoke full of natural aegyo when  he wanted to be funny and how naturally comforting it felt. Like home.

“You can still call me.” She bit her lower lip knowing that she was betraying what she promised Min Hee and him and yet it seemed to be what he wanted. “If Min Hee doesn’t mind.”

He laughed bitterly as if she just said the biggest of jokes.

“I want to hear your voice every night.”

His words made her tingle inside and Lillie was sure that that wasn’t a good idea.

“I don’t mean every night….but when you feel like doing it, like you need to talk with someone. I’m here. I’m always here.”

“Will you? Forever? You won’t disappear?”

His words made her clutch the phone of her hand. She once also said she won’t leave him and yet she disappeared from his life and shut off all the ways he had to contact her.

“I won’t. I won’t disappear again.”

On the other side of the line Jinki rolled on his bed, lying on his side.

“Good because I was always terrible at finding things. “ He could imagine her reaction to his comment, how she probably smiled “Remember how long it took me to find my ring?”

He could also imagine how her smile disappeared.

He now knew where his ring was. She had it.

“I’m glad you can keep it safe….for me.”

The silence on the other end was a signal that Lillie was probably wondering what he meant. He wasn’t even sure what he meant himself.

“It’s late!” He rolled on his bed again staying with his tummy up “Sleep Well.”

“Sleep well.” Her sweet voice was like medicine for him.

He turned off the call after and opened the chat on kakao that he was staring at before he called her.

Her last message, the one she sent to him before she left to her country was still there. He had to scroll up for a little but it was there.

Jinki hesitated before touching the play button but he felt as he also needed to listen it.

So he did just that, he played her message over and over again, until her voice was his lullaby and feel asleep with his cellphone over his chest.

“Jjan!”  The four girls said before drinking.

Lillie smiled because she now could drink coolly like Jules. Minseo wasn’t a bad drinker too and Rin was just trying to be a good company even though she was trying to not drink much.

“Ahhh joli Lillie now drinks too!” Jules said happily rubbing Lillie’s back and filling all the girls glasses with soju again.

They were around the table on Jules and Lillie’s apartment eating several dishes and drinking. After Lillie came back they tried to do that often so they would keep in touch.

“No one can beat you at drinking though!” Minseo said rubbing her tired eyes. She was on her final year at college and had so many things to study and so many other things troubling her.

“True.” Jules agreed eating dukboki “But tonight I don’t feel like drinking much.”

“Why?” Rin asked catching her hair on a ponytail, the alcohol making her feel hot already.

“Kibum is not jealous of me.” Jules said pouting her lower lip like a little girl.

“Why should he feel jealous of you?” Lillie asked. For her jealousy was not a good thing. She hated to be jealous of Jinki and she spent a big part of her life with a man that was extremely jealous of her controlling everything she did. Yes it was cute how sometimes Jinki was jealous of other men approaching her but still jealousy wasn’t a good thing at all. “I don’t like jealousy at all.”

“I agree!” Minseo said like the free spirit that she was “I’m not sure if I ever felt jealous in my whole life. Even when Minho was always thinking about his ex…”

“I think jealousy is important in a relationship.” Rin said and Jules that had full with food nodded her head covering to speak.

“It is right?! It’s a sign of love!”

“Then you like when Jonghyun is jealous?” Lillie asked grabbing a chicken leg “When there is misunderstanding? Like when you had that scandal with Jinki?”

Rin frowned realizing that maybe Lillie was right. “Still it’s good when they worry about the possibility to lose you to another man.”

“When they don’t take us for granted.” Jules said sighing dishearten and Lillie realized that maybe they were also right.

“So a middle ground. Not jealous but worried about losing you?” Minseo suggested. “Is that what worries you Jules? That he takes you for granted?”

“We barely date now. We meet at his apartment like an old couple, talk, have and that’s it. He isn’t even jealous of the fact that I spent a lot of time with two hot men.”

“Well one is kinda dating Lillie and the other has a girlfriend.” Minseo said eating too.

“I’m not dating Dojoon.” Lillie clarified.

“Still its two hot blooded male specimens…” Jules remarked.

“But the boys think you are.” Rin said to Lillie.

The fact that apparently everyone in SHINee new about her supposed relationship with Dojoon worried her a little. Did Jinki think that they were dating too?

At the party it looked like it. She wasn’t sure what to think about it. She saw herself glancing at Jules and understanding her a little. The possibility to make Jinki jealous did attract her a little. Before she did with Jinho but was more like a way to bring his manly y side out. This situation was totally different. She wanted to feel loved by him, desired…

Yet Dojoon tried it at the party and she hated it. It wasn’t right to play with people’s feelings. Also the ending result wasn’t great. Jinki barely reacted to it. He wasn’t jealous at all…but….their encounter on the kitchen. The way he passionately pushed her against the door and looked at her. She was confused.

Maybe Jules was right and sometimes jealousy wasn’t that bad.

“I’m sure Kibum loves you a lot.”

Jules smiled at Lillie and got back to stuffing with food.

“But Lillie are you or aren’t you not dating Dojoon?” Minseo asked, making all the girls look at Lillie that slowly swallowed the chicken she was chewing.

“I- We are only going out. As friends…”

“Ah! That’s a relief!” Rin said standing up to grab a glass of water.

“Relief?” Lillie raised herself on the chair to follow Rin with her eyes.

“Yes. I thought you were trying to have a ual relationship with him. I mean the kind of relationship he normally has!”

Lillie blushed with the mention of and Jules laughed chocking on her food. “As if she would! She was like a nun until she met Jinki and I’m sure she became one again after they broke p.”

“Ya!” Lillie slapped Jules shoulder and sulked. She was right in a way and the fact that none of the girls seemed to believe that Lillie could have a casual relationship that involved with another man besides Jinki humiliated her.

Sometimes she thought that there was something wrong with her. Dojoon was handsome and even gentle with her and if she wanted she was sure he would stop being only her friend. Of course he would never have a serious relationship with her. However why wasn’t she attracted to him in a ual way?! She did like when he was sweet to her, a gentleman and she enjoyed his company but…The idea of him touching her didn’t attract her.

“I don’t see what is wrong with having a ual relationship with someone when there is a connection, when you are good in bed.” Minseo said making everyone quiet down.

“Min!” Rin covered a little shocked with sweet Minseo.

“I have something to confess. I had with a man. We aren’t in a relationship and we decided to be friends even though he is so damn y and the was amazing.”

“!” Jules swore, a huge smile spreading on her face “Omo! Minseo….”

“Actually. I want to have with him again.”

Rin was pale, looking at Minseo as if she was a complete different person from the one she knew before. They all did change a lot.

Lillie was quite too but for other reasons.

“Do you have feelings for him?” She asked after a while.

“I’m not sure. I like him. He is sweet and so interesting, but I don’t know exactly what I want. I just want to have fun. And we have chemistry. We surely have a lot of ual chemistry.”

“Well if both are ok with it, why not?!” Jules said standing up to grab her cellphone from the couch since it was ringing.

Lillie looked at her glass of soju thinking. Even Minseo could be physical with a man she wasn’t dating. Jules had several boyfriends already and never had problems with . And Rin was the same. Only she was weird.

Maybe Alex was right and she was frigid. Maybe some kind of miracle happened and she was able to have with Jinki, to feel ually attracted to him and now that was over and she couldn’t imagine herself with another man.

Dojoon was hot. Everyone agreed with it, then why couldn’t she imagine him kissing her, touching her body? Why couldn’t she get aroused with the idea of being with Dojoon when it was so easy to when it came to Jinki?

“Ahhh I’m going insane!” She whispered to herself letting her head fall forward against the table.

“Are you drunk already?” Rin asked surprised. She didn’t drink much and she was a little better with alcohol now.

Lillie shook her head and Jules sat beside her speaking with Kibum on the phone.

“Right now?” she asked beaming like the sun, flashing her eyelashes, clearly hearing good news from Kibum. “Really? At the dorm? Why?...ok…I’m going.”

She turned off the call and raised her arms in the air. “My king summoned me!”

“Oh nice!” Minseo chuckled because the change in Jules mood was very noticeable.

“And he isn’t at home; he is at the dorm alone.”

“Alone?” Lillie raised her head.

“Well he was there with Minho helping him with some rehearsing for his drama or something and since Minho left to exercise he is solo. He is going to show me his old room and the dorm like I’ve always asked!” She screamed of excitement “And we can be alone!”

“Where is Jinki?” Lillie asked receiving the pity look from the other girls. She didn’t care about it anymore. She needed to know where he was and if he was ok.

“He…Isn’t sleeping at the dorm apparently. He hasn’t showed up yet.”

That certainly killed the mood and Lillie mumbled an ah avoiding the girls gazes on her.

“Maybe he went to see his parents.” Rin suggested but everyone knew that that was wishful thinking.

He was certainly with his girlfriend. What was Lillie even expecting?!

They were dating and he was a man after all. Of course he was ually active with someone else. He wasn’t a loser like her who deeply missed his kisses and touch and was too scared to have with someone else. Frigid…

She raised her eyes up from the table to Minseo that was looking at her with a thoughtful expression.

Minseo was once like her, stuck to the memory of the man she loved that loved another. And now she moved on and was able to be with another person. Lillie could do it too.

It was probably jealousy or the need to feel normal like the others but she knew exactly what she had to do and she was going to do it that night when she was determined to do so.

She grabbed her glass of soju and drank it. Drinking could help her gather her courage.

Eun Ha was exhausted since she didn’t go home for more than 20 hours, working at the broadcast station and only making small breaks to rest. It was a complete mess since they lacked staff and she had to cover up the best she could.

She lied down on the couch of the resting room of the staff and tried to sleep a little. Soon she did fall asleep but her sleep was filled with weird unsettling dreams and she woke up almost immediately after.

“Was it a bad dream?” a voice asked not far away from her and she sat on the couch quickly fixing her hair and clothes since Senior Go was in front of her.

“I’m not sure. I don’t remember it well.”

He grabbed a chair and placed it in front of the couch, in front of her, where he sat eyeing her gently “You must be so tired.”

“I am but I can go home in a few hours.”

He nodded his head rubbing his hands against each other and Eun ha took her time admiring the expensive suit he was wearing. She knew about fashion and fabrics enough to know that that suit was more expensive than one month of her salary.

“Are you hungry?” He asked not moving his eyes away from her.

“No. I ate something from the vending machine. I’m ok.”

“What a pity.” He said with a disappointed expression “I was going to eat dinner alone and supposed that you could come with me.”

“Dinner? It’s so late already.”

He ignored her observation and wondered if she said something wrong because his smiled faded a little.

“You could still come with me. I can persuade them to let you go earlier.”

Eun ha found herself almost accepting his invitation. She was extremely tired and she wouldn’t say no to warm food and yet she was sure that there was a catch to that kind offer.

“It’s ok. “ She tried to smile and then bowed slightly “Thank you senior Go but It’s better to stay and finish my work.”

He observed her for a while as if he was trying to read something hidden on her words and then raised his hand to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.

That made Eun Ha widen her eyes since it was a familiar gesture, a sign of proximity, something Minho, her boyfriend, did, not a senior.

“If you say so, Eun Ha.” He said her name with no honorific and that made her shiver wondering what his true intentions were. “You know!” he said standing up from the chair “I see you as if you were my daughter. She is still young but I hope she grows up to be like you.”

He left the room and Eun ha relaxed almost immediately her heart still beating fast in alarm.

Maybe she was seeing too much into Senior Go’s intentions. Maybe he just did that as a father would do to his daughter and yet the way he constantly invited her to go out to eat with him was making her nervous.

The doorbell rang and Jonghyun that was in the middle of an artist block, not knowing how to continue the song he was writing, groaned.

Who was ringing the bell of his house so late!?

He rose from the couch and walked to the door. His sister Sodam came down the stairs too wearing her pink robe over her pajamas and stopped beside him.

“Are you waiting for someone?” She asked Jonghyun and he shook his head.

“Jonghyun?”

A gentle low voice called from the other side of the door and Jonghyun and Sodam looked at each other, both recognizing it.

“Onew” “Jinki hyung?”

He opened the door and Jinki bowed apologetically.

“I’m sorry I came so late but I needed to talk with you and my phone had no battery so I couldn’t call.”

Sodam pulled him inside the house immediately and Jonghyun closed the door following after them.

“You drank didn’t you?” Jonghyun asked a little annoyed.

“Ya! That is no way to treat a guest!” Sodam recriminated Jonghyun “Do you want to eat anything? Is everything alright?”

Her sweet voice made Jinki feel even more awful for visiting them so late. “I’m fine. I just missed Jonghyun.”

Jonghyun clearly didn’t believe his words and Sodam fangirled believing them “You two are so cute together! Aigo…but…you don’t look good!”

Her honesty didn’t upset Jinki because he didn’t feel that well either. Jonghyun wasn’t wrong and he did indeed drink before coming to his house but he wasn’t drunk. He knew exactly what he was doing and that was why he was there. Jonghyun helped him in the past and besides he was afraid to go back to the dorm now that Kibum was there and invited Jules over. He didn’t want to see Jules. Not at all…

“You have dark circles under your eyes.” Sodam said worried touching Jinki’s cheek “And you are getting thinner aren’t you?!”

Jinki nodded his head pouting slightly as if he was a cute bunny and Sodam eyes sparkled.

“Aigo…poor thing. Should I cook something for you tomorrow? Jonghyun can take it for you.”

“Noona….” Jinki cried out “you are always so nice to me. Why aren’t you married yet?”

Jonghyun wrinkled his nose disgusted with the scene in front of his eyes. Was Jinki truly flirting with his sister for free food?!

“That’s because I’m searching for someone as cute as you!” Sodam answered back and Jinki giggled.

“Aigo noona!”

Jonghyun stepped between the two and pushed Jinki further away from his siter, making the older man bump against the wall.

“Ok enough of teasing me! I’m sick already!”

“Glad you know that that was what we were doing!” Sodam said blinking an eye at Jinki and raising her hand to high five him.

That always worked any time they tried it.

“I’m going back to sleep. Have fun together!” Sodam announced turning back to climb the stairs and Jinki waved at her cutely.

“Thank you noona!”

“Who is there?” Jonghyun mother asked from the first floor and Sodam answered to her. “Jinki?! Ahhh my sweet Jinki!”

His mother comment made Jonghyun frown. Why all the women in his life were all Onew’s fans?! His sister, his mother and even his girlfriend?!

 Maybe he was cursed. Maybe Jinki was truly a Jinx. Oh he would be proud to know that Jonghyun was following his example making puns.

Jonghyun crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at Jinki with such intensity that he could carve a hole on his face with his eyes. “So?”

“So…” Jinki’s smile disappeared almost immediately and Jonghyun expression softened because he realized that he was making an effort to be cheerful when Sodam was in the room before and now was just being himself.

“What’s wrong?” Jonghyun asked uncrossing his arms now a little more worried “You certainly didn’t miss me.”

“I did!” Jinki insisted making Jonghyun puff his cheeks. “A little bit!”

Jonghyun didn’t even answer and Jinki leaned against the wall losing all his energy to joke. “I needed someone to talk with. Everyone is either busy or sleeping or dating and I knew you weren’t sleeping.”

“Damn why do I have insomnia?!” Jonghyun complained staring at the ceiling.

“Ah come on, you love me and I bet you missed me too.”

Jonghyun grabbed Jinki by one arm and pulled him up the stairs to his bedroom.

“Hey…no…What are you doing?! I’ve never done this with a man!” Jinki joked and Jonghyun placed a finger over his lips asking him to be quiet.

“Let’s talk in my bedroom.”

Both of them entered Jonghyun’s bedroom and Jinki looked around while Jonghyun closed the door of the room.

Roo was on the bed and immediately jumped down from the bed to smell Jinki, waving her tail.

“She as a guard dog. I mean…She didn’t even leave the bedroom to check who was ringing the bell.”

Jinki caressed Roo’s head.

“She isn’t a guard dog. She is my baby and she goes to greet only important people.”

Jinki nodded his head and then sat over Jonghyun’s bed “I’ve never been here.”

“I know. “ Jonghyun sat beside him “Want to sleep here tonight?”

Jinki didn’t answer and instead lay down on Jonghyun bed. He did the same beside him, both staring at the ceiling.

“I do love you Jonghyun but not in that way.” Jinki teased Jonghyun but the later could see through him already.

“I know. I just figured that opening your heart would take a few hours so that’s why I suggested.”

Jinki covered his eyes with his arm and Jonghyun held his breath because seeing Jinki like that was something rare and he was sure that he wouldn’t be there so late at night disturbing everyone if the matter wasn’t important. They could fight and pretend they dint care about each other but they did. Jinki was his family too and Jonghyun would do anything he could to help him.

That night Jinki was beside him not as fellow member and coworker, he was there as a friend.

“Tell me. I’ll try to help. When we say things out loud sometimes they sound differently and we find a solution to a problem easier.”

“I broke up with Min Hee.” Jinki said still covering his eyes.

“Well it’s not a surprise. You didn’t exactly have many feelings for her. It was more physical than anything. Not that I am judging. It was probably what you needed at the moment.”

Jinki took his arm away from his eyes and Jonghyun peeked at him wondering if he had a headache. He probably did.

“She stole my couple ring and gave it back to Lillie.”

“Wait!” Jonghyun sat on the bed “She stole it. You didn’t give it to her?”

“!” Jinki sat on the bed too. “Why would I? Why would I push Lillie away like that if I love her so much?!” Jonghyun realized that he was right. Why everyone suddenly believed that he did that. Maybe because the truth was too drama like to be plausible?! Maybe because Jinki didn’t seem to know what he was doing lately.

 “Wait…” Jinki frowned “You knew...everyone knew?!”

“About you pushing Lillie away? Yeah, Jules told Kibum and he told us. We thought you went crazy and decided to give up on Lillie for sure. It’s not like we can judge you. It’s your life!”

Jinki released a cry and let his body fall back on the bed again. Jonghyun lied beside him too “I’m sorry.”

Roo lied down in the space between their legs.

“So…Min Hee messed up the possibility to get back with Lillie.”

“She ruined everything and I’m so confused because one moment I hate her and another I wonder if I didn’t deserve this.”

“This is actually simple if you think about it. “ Jonghyun said “Forget Min Hee. You broke up with her and you have no feelings for her so you can move on. If you want Lillie then you want her. Go after her.”

“She is dating that guy now…That guy she kissed at Kibum’s party!”

“Oh the good looking one with expensive clothes…”

“YA!” Jinki exclaimed moving his elbow hitting Jonghyun’s side making him whimper. “No need to rub salt on my wounds.”

Jonghyun complained and rubbed the spot Jinki hit him “I would be more on your side if you stopped hitting me!”

Jinki cried again covering his eyes and Jonghyun immediately felt sorry for him again.

“Is it serious? Her relationship with that guy?”

“I have no idea…but it probably is. Lillie….she….doesn’t jump into a relationship if there isn’t love. She probably…” Jinki frowned not even wanting to think about it.

“She didn’t seem to love him that much at the party.” Jonghyun observed. “She was clearly more interested in you than her boyfriend.”

“He is an !” Jinki moved on the bed “He flirted with other women all night. She deserved someone who truly loves and respects her….”

“You!” Jonghyun finished for Jinki. “Then fight for her. Tell her what happened with the ring and tell her how you feel.”

“I don’t know what I want to do.” Jinki’s answer exasperated Jonghyun. And he raised his body with the help of his elbow so he could scold Jinki properly.

“Then make up your mind. This is not one of your games or what you are eating for dinner and…”

“How?!” Jinki’s desperate eyes on Jonghyun made him soften his tone to talk with him. “I’m so lost.”

“Well, let’s start at the beginning. Let’s talk about it to see why you are lost.”

Jonghyun lied down back on the bed wondering why he was now Jinki’s therapist.

“Beginning…” Jinki repeated.

“Yes. How it all started.”

“When I first saw Lillie.” Jinki chuckled “I barely remember it. Only her shy smile and the way she thanked me so effusively.” Jinki’s gentle voice was very soothing and Jonghyun closed his eyes listening to him talk about his love life as if it was some story he was reading. “It all started at the bar…”

“So is that the beginning?” If he talked about Lillie and about what they went through maybe Jinki would decide on what he wanted.

“I feel like I’ve loved her all my life. I don’t even know what to call the beginning. Isn’t it weird?”

“No not at all. I feel the same about Rin too. It’s like they are such big parts of our lives now that we can’t remember much of what it felt like to not have them on our lives. Right?”

“I do remember it though. Those months were the worse.” Jinki confessed, finally openly speaking about his break up with Lillie. “I think that’s where I lost it. I’m so scared, so afraid to love her again, to make plans again and suddenly wake up and she isn’t here anymore. To feel that pain again...I’m such an idiot!”

Jinki the bed embarrassed and Jonghyun threw the therapist role out of the window. Jinki didn’t need one now. He didn’t have an emotional problem, he was just scared. He needed a friend instead.

“Can you forget the pain for one second and answer me?” Jonghyun asked gently “Who do you want to be with right now? At this exact moment if you could trade me for another person who would you want to be here, beside you hearing your worries?”

“Lillie.” Jinki answered almost in a whisper.

“There you go!” Jonghyun the bed facing Jinki’s back. “Sometimes we spend so much time inside ourselves analyzing our feelings, being afraid, that we complicate things that are so obvious to everyone but ourselves. If we were able to choose without any consequence, knowing exactly what will happen after we take that decision, we would choose exactly what we need and want with no fear.

What he wanted. What he needed. It was always her. Just like the song she sang for him. He knew since he replayed it too many times.

“So I am afraid?” Jinki the bed and faced Jonghyun.

“You said so!” Jonghyun exclaimed “And no wonder you are. You were miserable when she left you. You were angry with her, disappointed because she didn’t give you the chance to fight for your relationship. The pain she inflicted on you was like a wound. It’s normal to be afraid to take a band aid from a wound. It hurts. But only after doing it can it heal properly. So you are scared. It’s ok. She is probably scared too, and that is not bad. It’s a sign that both of you know what is at stake, how important this is for both of you and things are different now. I doubt that you two will let things end like it did last time.”

“You should be a therapist.” Jinki said blinking his eyes cutely and closing them, snuggling his head on the pillow “You are truly good with words.” Jinki was sure he made the right decision coming to speak with him.

Jonghyun groaned “But…isn’t this weird?!”

Jinki opened his eyes and found Jonghyun close to him looking back at him. They were laying really close to each other.

“It’s like going back in time and sleeping at the dorm.” Both chuckled remembering it.

“That awful small room.” Jonghyun added. “We barely could move inside it or on our beds cos everyone was there.”

It wasn’t weird at all after all.

“Thank you.” Jinki mumbled before closing his eyes and Jonghyun the bed ready to get up. Jinki would fall asleep soon but Jonghyun was still very wide awake.

“Ah…” He had an idea, a sudden struck of inspiration. All that talking about Jinki’s and Lillie’s relationship gave him the push he needed.

He stood up carefully to not wake up Jinki and left the bedroom to finish his song.

Dojoon opened the door of his apartment only wearing his pajama pants. He wasn’t expecting anyone but whoever rang the bell was not important enough for him to change.

He was wrong.

Lillie was in front of him, nervously looking away, avoiding looking at his chest breathing hard as if she came running.

“Are you ok? Is everything ok?”

She didn’t answer and instead walked inside his apartment. He closed the door and followed after her admiring the way she dressed that day. It was a simple blue and white dress that his mother would have hated for his cheap look at yet it looked good on her.

“What are you doing here?” Dojoon asked amused with the way she was staring at him, trying to keep her eyes on his face and not let them wander to his body.

He was hot. He wasn’t being cocky at all. He knew how the several hours he spent at the gym did for his body. He was toned and women appreciated his body. In exchange he appreciated the attention they gave to him.

Lillie placed her bag over his couch and then stepped forward cupping his face.

Dojoon widened his eyes just when she planted a kiss on his lips. It was a innocent awkward kiss but she still pressed her lips as firmly as she could against his as if she was afraid to change her mind at any minute.

She stepped back looking at him with scared eyes waiting for his reaction and Dojoon swore he felt his cheeks get hot.

“You kissed me!”

“Yes.”

It was a very lousy kiss and he was sure that she was forcing herself. No one that dated for such a long time kissed liked that.

“Why?”

“If….others can sleep with other people…” she shook her head and Dojoon sighed because he knew that she was talking about the idol “then I can too! I’m a woman. There is nothing wrong with me so I can do it…”

“Do what?” he asked with a smirk, sensing that she drank also “Give me a drama like kiss…or should I say a fish kiss? More like deadly fish kiss!”

“!” Her words almost made him have a heart attack and Dojoon mouth hang open.

“You can’t.”

“Why?” The girls said the exact same thing. Why couldn’t she?!

“Because…”

“You don’t want to have with me?” She asked with a whiny voice confusing him and the way he felt about that subject. “Alex did call me frigid but with Jinki…it was ok and right now he is sleeping with his girlfriend and I should also be out having ual experiences. And I know that I won’t be afraid with you.”

“Wow!” Dojoon stepped away from her and walked around his living room “You are jealous right now and because of that you want to have with me?”

“You have with women all the time with no strings attached, right? It doesn’t have to mean anything. I want to try it. I want to know if there is something wrong with me or not!”

Her words were firm and yet she seemed weak saying them. She didn’t want to be with another man, let alone have with him. Dojoon placed his hands on his waist wondering what to do with her.

He would lie if he said that in other circumstances, if that wasn’t a clear sign of desperate jealousy, he would have with her. She was hot; she had a good body, with perky nicely sized s, curvy thighs, beautiful kissable lips and that cute nose that he wanted to poke sometimes. Also her short hair made her look more fragile and needy of protection and he could think of several thing she wanted to do with her in bed.

However she didn’t want to have with him, she wanted to punish her ex-boyfriend, to use that as a test to see if there was something wrong with her. If she was doomed to be forever attracted to a man that didn’t want her anymore.

“I’m not a doctor. I can’t test you to see if you are frigid. Forcing is not right. I would feel as if I am you.”

“? I’m here saying I want to have with you. How is that ? I’m even wearing nice underwear.”

That comment made him chuckle and he raised his eyes to the ceiling. She was cute. He could try it.

His eyes fell on her again.

“I don’t feel disgusted when you touch me. I told you before!” She didn’t feel anything either but…

“And as I said before, I feel honored but we barely kissed and…”

“You don’t want me. You don’t desire me!” She seemed hurt with him and Dojoon groaned.

“Aish Can’t you see I’m trying to protect you from something you clearly don’t want? And yes I do feel attracted to you. I totally would have with you.”

“Then why?”

He stepped closer to her “Sometimes you are y and beautiful and I would really love to have with you.”

She frowned with the word sometimes. At least he was honest.

“But you are also a person I cherish and I don’t want one night to change what we have together.” He smiled caressing her cheek “We are friends right? I’m sure you also have doubts about this.”

“I don’t. I want this!” She said firmly and he moved his hand away from her face “I did a lot of thinking. I’m not the same stupid person that I was before. I even drink…Sweet romantic Lillie is dead!”

“I doubt it.” Dojoon answered “Sleeping with me won’t make you forget him.”

“I know. But right now he is with her and…” She shut up realizing how ridiculous she was being “But I want to try it.”

He looked at her pensively knowing that there was only one way to end with her doubts and that crazy idea.

“Ok. Let’s have !” as he said it he pulled his pants down his legs and Lillie widened her eyes staring at him. Dojoon stepped out from his pants and stood in front of her only wearing his black boxer briefs. “What’s wrong? Never saw a man ?” he asked her noticing how she trembled a little like a little kitty under the rain.

“Of course I did.” One only, he thought to himself, shaking his head.  He would show her what she was ignoring all that time and seemed to be so obvious. Lillie was lost and searching for what she wanted in the wrong place. But he was a good guy!

“So?” He asked raising an eyebrow looking at her.

“Where is your bedroom?” she stuttered gathering all her courage.

Dojoon smiled.  “Follow me!”

Let’s not go on a path that’s not the right answer
Like a stage with the curtains rising again
Like a scene from a movie that made us shed tears
Like the two stars that end up together after all

Hi! YAY! Almost double update! I'm good! Here it is what you were waiting for for a long time! =D

Next chapter is a ver special one....I hope you will like it.

You know what is going to happen...Lillie and Jinki are reaching their limit...u.u

Arent Minseo and Taemint he cutest?

Ahhhh Jules why are you making Kibum's life hell?! XD

hum whats up with Eun Ha....

and that jongyu scene >//< they are the cutest!

And Sodam is such a Jinki's fangirl XD 

Anyway tell me what you think

Please dont freak out with the ending scene...we all know Lillie...Eveyone knows Lillie..probably better than she knows herself.

What is wrong with her after all?!

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See you soon ~

*goes back to her cave cry cos she wont go to SWC5*

By the way....funny poll. Please answer! I told Jess I would ask! XD I'll make your wishes come true!