seungwan knew that seulgi was anything but seductive. she knew that seulgi was clumsy and naive. she knew that seulgi didn’t like the crust on her sandwiches and she knew that seulgi was a closeted romantic. she knew that seulgi had been hurt in the past. she knew the only reason she had declined seungwan’s love was because she didn’t feel worthy of it.

seungwan loved her despite the mask she put on for others. after all, seulgi was her roommate and the love of her life. it’s hard to keep a mask on 24/7. it’s suffocating. that’s why seungwan was so important to her. it was only around her that seulgi could breathe properly.

but it doesn’t hurt any less when seungwan sees the girls that leave seulgi’s room with their clothes ruffled up and their hair a mess. even though the girls had gotten nothing but seulgi’s physical touch, it was more than what seungwan had gotten in the past three years of living in the same apartment as seulgi. 

seungwan kept shut, tiny fragments of her heart chipping away piece by piece. seulgi exited the room, her hair tousled. 

“you look like a mess.” seungwan tried to keep the atmosphere light. seulgi laughed and collapsed onto the couch next to seungwan. 

“i feel like one, too.” 

seulgi laid her head on seungwan’s shoulder and the younger girl stiffened up. 

“well, that was the third girl this week.”

“you’ve been counting?” it was more of a statement than a question - seungwan didn’t answer. seulgi exhaled and lifted her head. seungwan closed her eyes. she knew what was coming next.

“i told you that-”

“-that i should move on.” seungwan nodded. “i know.” she kept her eyes closed. “it’s easier said than done, you know?”

seulgi took hold of seungwan’s hand, effectively causing the girl to open her eyes. 

“please.” seulgi pleaded. “i don’t deserve you. you deserve someone so much better than me. seungwan, please.”

seungwan pulled her hand away. “i don’t want anybody else, seulgi!” she snapped. she paused as she saw seulgi flinch slightly. she lowered her voice, realizing she had scared the older one. “why is it so difficult for you to understand?” she whispered. 

“i’m sorry.” 

seungwan stood from the couch and turned the tv off. she has heard seulgi say the same two words over and over again for the last few years. it was exhausting - almost as exhausting as her love for the younger girl. 

the breaking point for seungwan was when seulgi announced to her she was dating someone. seungwan knew that seulgi knew what she was thinking. 

how come you can date him, but not me?

“he-”

“-seulgi, i don’t mean to be rude, but i really don’t want to hear about him.” 

“seungwan.” seulgi breathed desperately. “can’t you be happy for me?”

“not when you…” seungwan stopped herself. she shook her head, giving herself a moment to gain her composure. she then gave seulgi a smile - a fake smile. “i’m happy for you.”

and when they had broken up, seulgi had not shed a single tear. she didn’t even look upset about it. seungwan grabbed her wrist as she tried to escape to her room and pulled her into a hug. seulgi gasped, but hugged her back nonetheless. with her arms wrapped around seulgi’s neck, seungwan pulled back just a tiny bit. 

she could feel her nose grazing seulgi’s, their breaths whispering on each other’s lips. seulgi could feel her heart hammering against her chest and could feel her lips tingling at the touch of seungwan’s breaths. 

“seulgi,” seungwan mumbled. 

seulgi tried to pull back - to get as far away from seungwan - but the younger girl held onto her tighter, head falling onto her shoulder. tiny weeps came from the smaller girl’s lips. seulgi felt guilty - she felt guilty but she knew she was doing the right thing. 

“why won’t you just be happy with me?”

“i won’t make you happy, seungwan.” seulgi weakly wrapped her arms around the petite girl’s waist. “i’m sorry.”

seungwan only cried harder.