Warning : Self-harming scene.

Chapter 7. Jessica : Regrets.

My world fell apart.

A dream of a future I held dearly to my heart had turned into sand, slipped easily between my fingers. I suddenly fell into this nightmare where I desperately wanted to hold my baby in my arms but I just couldn't. Not even after I cried over and over again.

When I woke up, my mind had turned into a broken record. It played the same bleak moments in ailing repeat. The memory of losing my baby felt like a hurricane that had just left my soul bare, with debris that cut deep into my heart every time I tried to look back.

Three months. Ninety days had passed since that dreaded day but I still felt so empty, so aching all over. My physical pain had disappeared long time ago, but something still felt very wrong, very unacceptable.

I reevaluated my life before the miscarriage like crazy, trying to see where I had made the mistakes that cost me my dear baby. I questioned myself over and over again. Had I worked too hard? Had I not ate enough? Had I not taken care of my pregnancy well?

Yuri. My dear Yuri. I couldn't even look into his eyes anymore. He was so kind and caring. He worried about me all the time. It hurt me even more to think that I was the one who had crushed his hope of an heir.

My parents. My sister. They said anything they could to console me but their words were words, nothing could bring my baby back.

And little Jinki, our innocent little Jinki. He would climb onto my lap. He would call for me like he always do. But I couldn't even see him without turning into a crying mess. He was so healthy and happy. He was everything my baby could have been if I hadn't been so careless.

My friends didn't understand. My coworkers had no idea. They kept telling me to move on while all I wanted to do was to turn back time. I wanted to have my baby in me again. I wanted that glimpse of happiness back into my hold.

“Baby.” Yuri came to the couch where I was sitting. “Will you go to work today?”

“Huh?” I didn't really pay attention. There was a diaper commercial on TV. The chubby baby boy on the screen kicked his feet happily while his hands flailed to reach for his smiling mother. I was wondering if our baby would have been as chubby or as happy as him. I was wondering of the unconditional love that could have been mine.

“Do you want me to drive you to your office?”

“Office? No.” I shook my head. I could not go to work. Everybody at the office would look at me with pity and I did not posses the strength to prepare our next collection anyway. How would I work to launch a baby and kids collection if barely seeing sketches of baby clothes made my tears fall? “I'm still not feeling well. I'll be working from home today. Do sketches and stuff.”

I was a pathetic liar. I couldn't even sketch anymore. One lift of pencil over the paper and my mind would come back to think about my precious child. I could not stop myself from thinking of what could have been.

The TV showed cute triplets from a famous reality show now. Three toddlers played happily with their loving Dad. The happiness showed on the Dad's face wrenched my already aching heart.

My beloved husband, he would have been such a loving father too. I could picture him swaying on his feet, trying to put our baby to sleep in his muscled arms. I could imagine him playing peekaboo with our pretty daughter or our bouncing son. I could even make out the happy smile that would have adored his face if he got to hold our child for the first time.

“I love you, Jess.” Yuri's voice brought me back to reality. “Take care.”

I looked up at him, trying hard not cry. He had seen me crying far too often. I couldn't be his burden all the time. “I love you too.”

The TV screened too many baby-related stuffs so I turned it off then tried to work at the study. The Baby & Kids collection was on its way to the production stage. Designs needed to be approved. Fabrics and accessories needed to be sorted out. I shuffled between mock-ups after mock-ups, trying to think about anything else but how cute little children would look like in all these clothes.

I was doing fairy well until a particular mock-up came to my point of view. It was the main design of the collection. The item that supposed to represent the whole collection. I had designed it with our baby in mind. There was even my handwriting on the corner of the paper.

Baby Kwon's first overall.

Tears fell as my fingers traced the soft fabric. The cotton and the denim had been the best I could find. The metallic buttons were supposed to be star-shaped for baby boy and flower-like for girl. I recalled showing Yuri this sketch a few days after our first appointment. He had smiled back then, saying that the overall set would be perfect for a walk to a park in a breezy Spring. I recalled how he had kissed my stomach after, whispering promises to our baby.

I couldn't stop the train of memory. I couldn't stop crying too. I clutched the baby clothes against my chest. My sobs reverberated in the room for God knows how long until I felt something snap in my heart.

I should stop.

I could not be like this forever.

Throwing the mock-up into the recycle bin by Yuri's desk I then walked to our bedroom. I went straight to my walk-in closet. From one of the many drawers, I took out a pair of tiny red socks and an ultrasound picture. The picture was the only proof I had of my baby's existence. And the socks; Yuri had had them bought for the sole purpose of giving me strength throughout the days filled with morning sickness and nausea.

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