Author's note : Trigger warning ahead
Chapter 5. Yuri : Broken Dream.
The call came in the middle of a very important meeting .
I didn't give a damn. I just bolted out of the room full of company executives, telling Choi Minho to handle the rest of the meeting. I called Seulgi back while I was in the elevator, telling her to take Jessica to the hospital immediately.
Jessica was crying as I talked to her on the phone. She was obviously in pain and it hurt me that I couldn't be there with her soon enough. It felt like I couldn't drive fast enough, like the traffic was plotting to block my way.
At the hospital, I waited with Seulgi in the waiting room. The clock ticked awfully slow as I sat in anxiety on the cold vinyl bench. I recalled that one time Krystal had been hospitalized here for similar reason. Things had worked out well for Krystal. Her baby was a healthy toddler now. I prayed for my child to be fine too, to grow healthy just like little Jinki.
After a long and frustrating wait, nurses wheeled my wife to the observation room. Doctor Lim then came to check on her. We got to see another ultrasound picture, showing how our baby was holding on. The doctor then gave Jessica a shot and an order of not leaving the bed unless to go to the bathroom.
I lay with Jessica after the the doctor and nurses left, telling Seulgi to go home and gave a call to Jessica's mother. I didn't have the heart to tell my own family, especially my mother. Her heart would break at the possibility of losing the grandchild she had been wanting for so long.
Jessica's parents came one hour after Seulgi left, bearing food and blanket. I moved to maneuver my sleeping wife onto the bed, she stirred but didn't wake up.
“You must be tired.” My mother-in-law pulled out folded clothes from the big bag she brought. “Go freshen up before eating. I bring clothes for you and Sooyeon.”
“Thank you, mom.” I flexed my waist before taking the clothes to the bathroom. This had been a very tiring day. I stripped off the brown suit that I hadn't got the chance to change, got under the shower and welcomed the feeling of warm water against my aching body.
When I got out of the bathroom, my father-in-law had settled himself on the couch while my mother-in-law sat by the side of Jessica's bed.
“Go eat then sleep first, Yul. I'll wake you up in a few hours.” My mother-in-law kept her eyes on her sleeping daughter. Her hand did not halt from caressing Jessica's head.
“It's okay Mom. Sleeping late isn't new to me.”
“It's better if we take turn to rest. So we can give Sooyeon our full attention later.”
I nodded, agreeing with the ever rational woman. I asked my father-in-law to sleep on the spare bed but he insisted on taking the couch, telling me to eat and reserve my energy for later.
As I forced myself to eat the dumplings served on the coffee table, Jessica's father and I talked a little. He encouraged me by saying that if Krystal could get through her first trimester bleeding safely than Jessica should be too. The talk helped, I felt a little optimistic as I lay on the spare bed. Although it was hard to close my eyes with worried mind, I managed to get a good sleep until my mother-in-law woke me up at midnight.
I moved from the spare bed to the chair by Jessica's bed, watching her eyelids flutter. Her sleep was probably plagued with bad dream. I caressed her head gently, murmuring encouragement in hope to help her sleep better. After a while, she seemed relaxed into her dream. My eyes felt heavy so I rested my head on the edge of the bed to resume sleeping.
“Sleep well, Jess. Everything will be alright.” I whispered to her one more time.
I felt Jessica's hand move in my hand before hearing her calling my name. Opening my eyes and sat up in an instant, I tried to smile at her. “Hey. How are you feeling?”
“Scared. Worried.” She sighed, rubbing her eyes. “I need to pee.”
“Okay. Get up slowly, baby.” I helped her up. We went to the bathroom together, with me supporting her by the waist while holding the IV bag up.
“Look away.” My wife whined as she sat on the toilet bowl.
“What? It's not like I have never seen you in less clothing before.” I teased, trying to uplift her mood.
“Yuuuul.” She pouted ever so adorably. I laughed before turning away, focusing on my reflection in the mirror above the sink.
“Yul... I bleed again.” Her words came like thunder and immediately turned to look. Jessica was trembling as she stood up. Trail of blood ran from under her hospital gown down to her thigh.
“It's just minor bleeding, baby. Let's get you back to bed.” Faking calmness, I handed the IV bag to her and used both of my hands to lift her body. There was nothing minor about the red drops falling to the tiled floor as I carried her out of the bathroom, but I had no option but lying.
She was already in full tears when I lay her back on the bed. I pressed the button to alert the nurse, feeling Jessica gripped my hand tightly. My mother-in-law woke up and rushed to Jessica's side, holding her daughter close. When the nurse came, there was already crimson stain on the white bed sheet right between Jessica's feet.
Even a person with zero medical background like me knew what that amount of blood meant.
It was heartbreaking, the sight of my wife crying helplessly in her mother's arms. Her face turned ash-white and her pleading eyes killed me inside.
“Please... Yul, our baby.”
“It will be okay, sweetheart. It will be okay.” The words were prayer came from the depth of my breaking heart. I knew what was happening but I wished I know nothing.
Resident doctor came in a flash, but the young doctor's words could not calm my wife nor the racing beats of my heart. Then Doctor Lim confirmed it all for us an hour later, showing the ultrasound where the jelly bean sized sac could no longer be seen.
Jessica cried hard, sobbing herself hoarse in her mother's arms. My father-in-law's curse almost gone unnoticed as he flopped on the couch, hands gripping his head.
Me? I didn't know what to say, what to do. I froze, standing there while holding my wife's hand, hoping that this was just a nightmare. We had lost our baby. I had lost my child.
“I'm sorry Jessica.” I saw doctor Lim gave Jessica's leg a pat. “It's not your time yet. There will be another chance, trust me.”
Another chance? Had the doctor forgot that we had tried so hard for this one chance only? Couldn't she see that our dream had been broken into pieces right when it was about to come true?
I didn't hear the rest of doctor Lim's sentences, too zoned out to focus. Only when she called my name and signaled me to follow her out of the room, I managed to get away from my trance.
“I know it's hard Yuri. I'm so sorry. But you have to stay strong for your wife. Jessica unnie will need you more than ever before.” She rested a hand on my shoulder as we sat side by side outside Jessica's room.
I completely agreed with her. I needed to keep myself together now. But losing our baby and seeing Jessica in pain hurt me so much I couldn't think straight. “What... how... What's happened? Where did we go wrong?”
“It could be a lot of things, Yul. Heavy physical activity, stress, lack of nutrient, genetic issue or weak uterus. Anything.”
“We... we had a few days ago. Just once. I swear I was careful. I...” My hands went to my face, I felt so helpless, so guilty.
“I'm sorry Yul. I can't really pinpoint one single cause. Early pregnancy loss is so common and there's no use to put the blame on someone or something.”
I sighed. I wanted something to blame. I needed to vent my anger. I felt like beating myself for this.
“It's best for us to focus on the next step to take. At this point It's important to prevent more bleeding and infection. Jessica unnie's well-being should be our main focus now.”
“There are two options. Either we wait for Jessica Unnie's body to naturally expel all the leftover tissue or I perform a D&C to remove the tissue... um... mechanically.”
“Dilation and curettage is a brief surgical procedure. I will remove the content of the uterus with medical instruments while Jessica unnie is sedated. Almost painless and it will put the bleeding to a minimal.”
“What is your recommendation? I want the best for Jessica, she has been through so much.”
“The emotional part of letting the body works naturally might be too much and too long to endure. There will also be pain and the probability of a bit of tissue left in Jessica unnie's uterus that might harm her chance of conceiving again.”
“I choose D&C then.”
“D&C is not actually risk free either, there might be scaring or uterine perforation but mind you, they are rare cases, and I have never scarred or perforated a uterus in my career.”
I looked at the doctor with frustration. Why couldn't she just tell me exactly what was best to do?
“Discuss it with Jessica and your family first. It's her body, her decision. Wait until she calms down a bit to talk about this and alert the nurse when the decision is already made. The sooner the better though.”
“Right.” I stood up. “Thank you, doctor Lim.”
“Stay strong, alright?” She patted my shoulder before leaving me alone.
When I re-entered the room Jessica's tears had subsided. I went to hold her. She seemed to be more fragile than ever before, all pale and weak in my arms. We discussed the options after a few moments, with Jessica ended up agreeing to her mother's choice of D&C.
It didn't take long for them to start running the procedure. An anesthetist and a nurse came with YoonA as soon as we alerted them about our decision. Jessica's parents were told to wait outside while I insisted to stay.
They wheeled another bed in, a specially designed one for such procedure, and I moved Jessica onto it myself. She clutched at my hand like I was her lifeline and the sight of her fingers gripping mine broke my heart some more.
The nurse put Jessica's leg on the stirrups while the anesthetist asked her a few questions about allergy and recent food intake. I tried not to look at the end of the bed where YoonA and the nurse were ready with a tray of medical instruments near them. Keeping my focus on my wife, I kissed her hand as the anesthetic started to inject the drug into the IV bag.
It was the scariest moment in my life, seeing her so helpless under the drug. Her eyes swollen from the many tears she had shed today. Her lips trembled.
“Yul... I'm scared.”
I leaned as far as I could, whispering encouragements in her ear. When her eyes fluttered shut. When I couldn't do anything else but giving her my words, I whispered “It will be okay, Jess. I love you. I love you so much.”
__ tbc __
Author is currently begging the good readers not to go all violent and kill the poor author. Have mercy. T_T