I don’t remember physically boarding a plane or going home.

I know I didn’t speak to anybody, even if they tried to talk to me or console me.  I don’t recall looking anybody in the face for a few days.   If I had to, I’d give the obligatory ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response, but nothing more. 

I started having frequent headaches so sleep became my new hobby.    When it was time to perform, I performed mechanically.  On variety or talk shows I felt myself fade into the background.  I only pitched in when I was spoken to.  

I felt like an empty shell.  The most difficult part was interacting with Tiffany in the public eye and acting like nothing was wrong.  She put on a good exterior for everyone but I could see in her eyes if we happened to make eye contact that she was just like me, walking around hollow inside but doing what’s been taught; being who they want us to be. 

The only thing I’d look forward to is coming home, going straight to my room, and waiting for Tiffany to text me.  I knew she wanted to make me feel better and I could see how hard she was trying. So I really did my best to put on a strong face for her, even though this wasn’t even comparable to how things were before between us.  It helped immeasurably but it still wasn’t enough.

I was very surprised when I realized that none of the other girls blamed me for this situation.  I felt like it was my fault, like I disrupted everyone’s living situations because of my ‘immature behavior’.  I couldn’t think of it that way though.  To this day, I’m certain I did nothing wrong.

I now lived with Sunny, Sooyoung, Jessica and Yoona.  The other girls moved downstairs to a first floor dorm that was impossible to get to without the door man seeing you.  Yongjun let me know that he’d be watching us and reporting any suspicious activity to him. 

The depression I felt in the first few days turned into anger.  When I was so much younger and I signed my life away something like this didn't seem significant to me.  I was such a focused person back then… and while it garnered me great success I considered myself a fool now.  I didn’t have enough life experience to really know what I was sacrificing back then.

Now, I wanted to break this cage I was stuck in.

I felt my phone vibrate against my stomach and my face lit up; a picture of Tiffany blowing a kiss at me.  I stared at it longingly for some time before it became my new background.

I was typing a response back when I heard a knock at my door.

“One second.” I said.

I heard the knob turn against the lock and glared up at it.  I heard more knocking, fiercer knocking.  Several hands knocking, I heard laughing too.

When it built to a crescendo and they were full out banging on it I knew my concentration was shot.   I got out of bed and unlocked it to find all four of my roommates standing there.  I tried not to notice their expressions falling when they saw the state I was in.  Messy sweatpants, messy hair… I didn’t have enough energy to be embarrassed.

“We made you soup.” Sooyoung said, holding the bowl.

I had to smile at their compassion. 

Jessica walked passed and flopped onto my bed.  I could feel Sunny fixing my hair.  I couldn’t bring myself to look any of them in the face.

“You can’t do this forever.” Sunny said sympathetically.  “If you get knocked down you have to get back up again.  It’s not over, you know that right?”

I nodded.

She forced my head up to look at her with her hand.  It was hard to do.

“You didn’t break up, did you?” She asked.

“No.” I said. 

“Good, I was worried about that.” She said. 

I looked around at each of them now wondering what they thought about this situation.  Wondering if they realized that when they wanted to start dating and be with people outside of SNSD that their path would be blocked too, but I remembered that Jessica had been out with a few people since our band’s debut.  It made me even madder, was this treatment exclusive to me because it was a gay relationship?

“Aww, cuuute!” Jessica yelled, holding up my cell phone and displaying my new background for everyone to see.  Her face was genuine. I could tell she really cared about me and Tiffany.  My anger subsided.  It wasn’t her fault, after all.

“Unnie were you just sitting here in the dark?” Yoona asked.

“I guess.” I said, sitting next to Jessica on the bed.

Sooyoung laid the bowl on my nightstand and came to sit beside me, putting an arm around me. 

“Kim Taeyeon!” Sunny yelled.  I jumped at her loudness.

“Enough moping around, it’s time to fix this situation.” She said. 

I stared at her.

“How do you intend to do that?” I asked.

She took a deep breath and exhaled, blowing her hair out of her face as she began to pace.  I watched her; slightly disappointed that she didn’t have some brilliant idea already.  I was aware that Jessica was apparently taking pictures of me with my phone now, I wouldn’t look at her. 

“Even if we can’t fix it right away you can’t do this to yourself.” Sooyoung said.  “Like Sunny said, it’s not like you’ve broken up.  It’s just a temporary inconvenience.” She said thoughtfully.

It wasn’t really about that to me.  It was the principle.  It was the fact that I couldn’t have a relationship because somebody else told me, because they were trying to control me.  Because I signed my life away.  He made Tiffany cry that night and I would take it personally to the grave until we got our life back.

“What’s the one thing they’re afraid of the most about this situation?” Sunny asked.

“It going public.” I said.

“Exactly.” She said, snapping her fingers.  I tilted my head at her.

“So, what are you saying?”

“We could threaten them.” Yoona said.

“No.” I said. “I’m not going to get you guys in anymore trouble.  This whole living arrangement is my fault.  I won’t make things worse for you guys.”

“We don’t blame you.” Sooyoung said. 

“Well, you should.”

She shook me a little.  “Stop it.”

“Make her look pretty” Jessica told the others.  “I feel better when I look pretty.”

I sighed.

“I don’t think you should change a thing, Taeyeon.” Sunny said.  “You guys used to flirt in public all the time before you were even together.  Just go back to that.”

“No!” Yoona said. “Make it even more obvious than before!”

They’d finally arrived at the idea I, myself, had. 

Rebellion.

I could make the rumors run wild if I wanted to.  I could see to it that a new Taeny picture or headline was posted on the internet daily.  People looked out for these moments specifically.  All I’d have to do is make eye contact with Tiffany or her body, or touch her… The Sones would do the rest of the work for me. 

Sooyoung was messing with my hair.

“I’ll do it.” I said, looking up to Sunny, then to Yoona.  A grin took my face for the first time in days.  It felt amazing to just have a plan.

“She’s back.” Sunny smiled, pointing at my smile.

“Helloooo!” Jessica said in English.  She was waving at my cell phone.

I looked over her shoulder and saw Tiffany’s face.  Her smile was huge.  She was waving back.

“Yah, give me that.” I said, snatching it away from her. 

I held it in front of my face and stared back at her.  She didn’t have anything to say, but she just stared back at me looking happy.  I didn’t want to video call her before because I didn’t want wake anyone up.  She looked beautiful.  She was giving me the x-ray treatment with her amazing eyes.  Even through a phone it felt like she was looking into my soul. 

The girls positioned themselves around and behind me to say hello.  Phrases like “I miss you” and “Hang in there” were exchanged, but I wasn’t much attention.  All I saw was her face.  I felt them leaving one by one beside me.  I looked up to see Sunny go, closing the door behind her.

“Hi.” I looked at Tiffany.

“Hi.” She smiled broadly, “Are you alone now?”

“Yep.” I said, laying down and cradling my cell phone in front of my face.

“I miss you so much, Tae.” She said. Her face crumpled a bit.

“No sadness.” I said. “We’re going to be just fine.”

She nodded and put her smile back on.

“I have a plan.” I grinned.

Yuri, Yoona, Tiffany and I were shooting for Strong Heart the next morning and my plan was set.  This was your basic variety show in which you were given a platform to talk about anything you wanted to.  SM had rules about specific things we could and couldn’t talk about but today I planned on conveniently forgetting them.

I sat there listening to the other stars trying to find the exact wording for what I was about to do.  Then I got addressed.

“And we have Kim Taeyeon leader of SNSD.”

Applause.

I glanced up on the set to the monitor that was filming exclusively Tiffany.  I could see her staring at the back of my head. My stomach was in knots.

“What’s on your mind today, Taeyeon?” He pointed to a blackboard beside me that I wrote on.  It read, ‘A butterfly under glass.’ “That looks pretty serious.”

I nodded and looked my manager, who was standing on the set off camera, directly in the eyes before speaking.

“I hope people won’t consider what I have to say as a complaint, because I love what I do and I’m very thankful that I get to do this for a living.” 

I paused for a beat.

“A butterfly under glass kind of means… that we’ve been growing up under a camera for the last four years, right?”

“Ah...” The MC said, “So you’re lamenting the lack of privacy?”

“Mm… No not really even that.  I love my fans,” I said, “We just have lots of rules in SNSD.”

“Ah so they’re strict with you?” He asked.

“Yes.” I nodded, glancing back to my manager.  His jaw was stiff.

“Can you give us an example of a rule?” The MC asked.

I bit my lip, feigning thoughtfulness before turning around to look at Yuri, Yoona and Tiffany. 

“I think the one that really gets to us the most is that we aren’t allowed to date.” I said. 

Yuri and Tiffany nodded meaningfully.  I saw my manager drop the papers he was holding.  This was something we were forbidden from mentioning.

“SNSD can’t date?!” The MC asked with his mouth hanging open.

“Nope.” I said, smiling despite myself. “We signed a contract.”

“It’s really unfair.” Yuri said in agreement.

“Wow! That’s such a huge sacrifice!” The co-host said. 

I looked up to Tiffany’s monitor and I could see on her face that she was enjoying this.  I’d given her a rough idea of what I was going to do today but no details on how far I’d go.

“So does that mean you’re interested in someone, Taeyeon?” The MC asked.

“It must!” The co-host said, “It wouldn’t bother her if she wasn’t.”

I bit my lip and waited dramatically.  After a few seconds I nodded.

The set erupted.  I waited for it to calm down, grinning to myself.

“Is there anything you can tell us about it?” He asked.

“I always think to myself that the best relationships would start out with a strong friendship.” I chose my words carefully.

“So it’s a close friend of yours?”

“Oh yes.” I said jubilantly.  “We’re like two peas in a pod.”

Yoona burst out into laughter.  I kept a straight face.

Was that too far...?  

"Would you like to put out a message?" The MC asked.  This was better than I could hope for.

I nodded, staring directly into the camera. 

"If you wait for me, I promise I'll take good care of you for as long as you'll have me."  I said, blushing. Tiffany's eyes completely disappeared.

“That sounds serious!  Aish.  Some lucky guy out there…” The MC’s began to banter with one another.

My mind was racing.  I just intentionally broke so many rules and dropped a huge hint.  This would be all over the internet tonight.  I felt… exhilarated.  I glanced to Yongjun who looked absolutely livid and gave him a satisfied smile.  This wouldn’t have to happen in public if he would give me my private life back. 

They eventually got around to Tiffany.

“Now your board says ‘Seeing things differently’, could you explain that for us?” He asked.  I stared intently at Tiffany’s monitor.

“My ideal type has changed.” She said.

“How so?”

“In past broadcasts I’ve mentioned that I usually like my type to be tall and broad and all that, but I think now I’d be okay with dating someone shorter than me.”

The MC’s found this hilarious.  They cut to a wide shot of Tiffany in which I could be seen in front of her. I used this to my advantage.

“I just figured out what was really important and love can be found even where you’d never expect to find it.” Tiffany continued.  I looked ahead with a small smile, trying to look obvious in an inconspicuous way.

“Ahh.  You’re growing up.” The MC said.

“Yes.” She said. “You never know who ‘the one’ is if you follow specifics you’re looking out for beforehand.” 

She grinned directly into the camera.

It was the first time I saw him really yell at us.  The entire ride home back to the dorm was full with his voice reverberating around the interior of the van.  I just stared out of the window idly and didn’t take much of what he said in.  I had no regrets with what I did.  Rebelling like this lit a fire inside me again.  I felt proud for standing up to him.

He followed us all the way into the lobby before I rounded on him. 

“Do you want to stop this from happening again?  Let the girls move back in.” I said in a calm voice.

“Not a chance.” He said, gritting his teeth.

“Do you not consider other people?  I have feelings, Yongjun.” 

“This isn’t a personal attack on you, Taeyeon, it’s for the group.” He said warily.  His anger faltered on his face.  It made me cringe a little because I knew as a person, as a friend he cares deeply for me, for all of us.  I couldn’t stand for this, though.

“Then how come Jessica can date?” I asked.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“I’ll play by your rules.  You want us to live separately that’s fine but it won’t change my feelings for her.”  I said.

“Are you trying to get me fired?” He asked.

“No.  I don’t want that. I’m not like you Yongjun, I still care about you.  You’re just going to have to deal with the fact that I’m dating Tiffany.  I’m an adult and I’m responsible enough to keep this a secret.”  I said. 

The girls from the other dorm were standing and watching from a distance, nearer to their front door. 

He shook his head at me. 

“So things carry on as normal then.  Fany-ah!” I called over his shoulder to her.

She looked at me.  Her eyes were wide with something I couldn’t put my finger on.  Was she impressed?  Proud?

“Dinner tonight?” I asked.

The smile spread across her face slowly. “Yes!” She yelled.

I winked at her.  The door opened for our elevator and Yoona and I got on.  I stared into Yongjun’s face as the doors closed.  He was painted with a mixture of guilt and defiance. He looked wounded.

“Wow, Unnie, you’re so cool.” Yoona said breathlessly.

“I can’t believe I just did that.” I said.  My legs and hands felt numb.  I considered myself to be a calm level headed person, going out of the lines like this was something so different for me but I knew I had to stand up for what I believed in.  I felt bad but at the same time I knew if he got impression he could bully us around now it would never get better for any of us. 

“You were perfect. “ She said.  “You’ve got him on the run; did you see the look on his face?”

I said nothing, merely staring ahead at my own reflection on the elevator doors.  I couldn’t recognize myself again but this time it didn’t have to do with my hair.  I was standing taller.  I felt liberated and stronger.  I didn’t look like a child anymore, though I haven’t been for some time, I still felt like one on the inside before. 

In the last month, I had too many ‘firsts’ in my life to even count and it was all because of her.

Adult Taeng.

Yoona didn’t hesitate to relive every moment of Strong Heart for the others when we got into the dorm.  I was pushed in a chair and forced to recite the days’ events back.   

It really took entirely too long for them to let me go.

When I entered the lobby I made sure to look deliberately at the door man as I passed towards the other girls’ dorms.  I knocked on the door and tried to straighten my hair before putting my hands in my pockets. 

Seohyun opened the door.  She stared at me opened mouth knowing I wasn’t supposed to be there.  I waited there, with my eyebrows raised staring back at her.

I wanted to laugh.  A part of me thought she was going to slam the door on my face. 

“Can I come in?” I asked finally.

She stepped back and held the door open for me, still looking amazed.  As I passed by her I touched her face.

“I miss you, Unnie.” She said sadly.

“Oh, you stop it.” I said. “I’m still here, if you ever need anything you tell me.”

Hyoyeon walked in and a wide grin spread across her face at the sight of me.  Yuri followed.  But I was looking around their dorm.  It looked smaller than ours.  Guilt swelled inside me.

“I’m really sorry this happened.” I said, looking around at them.

“We’re behind you.” Seohyun said in a small voice.

Hyoyeon nodded.  Yuri hugged me and it turned into a group hug.  I’ll never be able to put into words how grateful I am for my sisters. 

“So, where’s Tiffany’s room?” I asked, glancing up at the clock and realizing it was five past.

Hyoyeon pointed me in the right direction.

“She’s been getting ready for an hour.” She chuckled.

“Thanks.” I grinned, walking down the hall.

I found her door open.  She was standing in front of a mirror looking at herself, her eyebrows furrowed.  I leaned against the doorway wanted to stay here as long as I could and watch her.  She was wearing skinny jeans and a white tank top, carrying a hoody loosely.   Her hair was pulled up and her sunglasses were nestled on her head, just above her bangs.  She was ready to go incognito.

I had a vision of living in a world where I’d be able to take her out to a really nice restaurant in a beautiful dress and not have to worry about people looking at us. 

I looked at the rest of the room and felt sad when I saw it was missing the same things my room was missing; only one bed.  Seeing Tiffany’s room again made me feel that there wasn’t enough pink in my own room anymore.

I knew she was there right before I felt her.  Her lips landed softly on the corner of my mouth, her hands came to rest flat against my stomach and suddenly everything felt right in the world again.  I closed my eyes and turned my head into hers feeling her lips against mine for the first time in over a week.  It was like nearly drowning and finally breaking the surface to come up for air; I could breathe again.

She leaned me into the doorway using her fingertips to guide my face up to her.  I opened one eye and glanced over her shoulder down the hall to see three heads disappear back into the kitchen at the same time.  I smirked against her lips and put a hand on her shoulder to push her fully into her room, pulling the door shut with me.

She eventually pulled me into a hug with her with a hand on the small of my back. I buried my face into her neck, running my nose along the side of her face and hair.  I was delirious with her sweet scent once more.  I slid my hands into her back pockets to pull her closer.

"My little trouble maker, why did you look so somber?" She cooed affectionately and carressed my hair.

Somber?

Funny, right now I couldn’t remember ever feeling somber before in my life.