The flight home and the ensuing weeks flew by at light speed and before I knew it we had already debuted together as TaeTiSeo to much success.

 

Every single schedule I had lately was spent with Tiffany and Seohyun and that was nothing to complain about. I missed the other girls immensely, of course, but there was something extremely satisfying about being able to win accolades when it was just the three of us as well. It felt more personal... and it was nice to have an opportunity to get closer to Seohyun, too.

 

It was easier to get used to this schedule, knowing I wouldn't have to leave Tiffany for days on end. It was truly the best of both my private and professional life being attached at the hip with her, and from what I read on the internet the Taeny fan's couldn't have been happier about it. Our pictures were a near constant on fan websites and Music Core ratings were elevated to all time highs... but I wasn't stupid enough to know that our relationship, even if it was never confirmed to be real, was being exploited for commercial use.

 

But acting cute together on TV and radio didn't effect our relationship in a negative light whatsoever, if anything, it just left us with a pit in our stomach that we couldn't satisfy until we were truly out of the public eye long enough to kiss or cuddle... So, in a way, somehow our job was driving us even closer together.

 

And that's how it was now, as I was being led through the intricate hallways of MBC's broadcasting building. Tiffany's hand loosely held in my own, we wove a path through the maze like corridor's in search of our dressing room.

 

“Here we are.” She said, stopping to point out a laminated piece of paper stuck to a door that read 'Happy together: Dressing room #1'.

 

She pushed the door open and I followed behind her. When the door closed her arms were around me and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to sway back and forth with her as my head found her shoulder.

 

Her now bright red hair fell like curtains around my face and I inhaled deeply, reinvigorating myself with her scent. This was my new tactic for getting through our insanely overworked schedules as of late. Tiffany and I use each other as energy pills.

 

“Are you okay?” She murmured softly into my head.

 

“Mm...” I just sighed, lost in the way Tiffany's body felt against mine.

 

I rubbed her abdomens gently through her shirt with my palms and allowed myself to get lost in this moment. A moment of silence in my hectic day after back to back radio shows, Happy Together was my only form of 'break time' before MCing at Music Core and performing.

 

Fourteen hours of constant work and I knew I couldn't get through it anymore if I couldn't just have this one moment with Tiffany.

 

I was growing very dependent on her...

 

“Yah!”

 

A high pitched call came from besides us and my knees nearly gave way from shock but Tiffany recovered from her jolt of fear quick enough to keep me from falling. I spun around to find Jessica nearly doubled over with laughter. Her silent convulsions were only highlighted by her short, jerky attempts at breathing. I couldn't help but smirk at her ridiculous uninhibited laughter.

 

I thought since Seohyun had a CF to shoot for, that we'd be on the show alone. But here she was, sitting in the corner of the room, her cell phone in hand, already dressed in her matching pink outfit for the show.

 

Tiffany released me to hug Jessica.

 

“...That's not nice, Jessi.” Tiffany said in English.

 

“You should have seen your faces!” Jessica said, still laughing. “You thought I was someone else huh?” She hugged Tiffany back.

 

“...Not nice.” Tiffany repeated, grinning.

 

Jessica let Tiffany go then and embraced me tightly. I was slightly taken aback by her act of affection and returned the hug feebly. We had been so ridiculously busy lately that I hadn't even had a chance to look at Jessica much less decide how I wanted to go about talking to her... about my dream.

 

The events that had taken place in Australia were just as they appeared in my dream... The only thing I wasn't certain about being real or not was the amount of affection that was on Jessica's face. I spoke about the entire thing with Tiffany and she felt that somehow I was guilty about letting it take place at all and that I shouldn't feel guilt towards her because I hadn't actually done anything Tiffany considered cheating; that Jessica had merely been comforting me during a hard time and that our sleeping arrangement was strictly platonic... for me at least.

 

The thing that concerned me was what Jessica might have taken away from that night. I made the connection that after we signed our new contracts and I was back to living with Tiffany that that was when things started going wrong with Jessica... so had that night been the start of it all? Maybe Jessica's feelings didn't appear out of nowhere like I had thought... Maybe I could have stopped them earlier. I had, after all, asked her to stay with me that night... Did I encourage it?

 

It pained me in my stomach to remember how bad things were for Jessica after she confessed. Tiffany and I her for a while and it was my fault. I could have been the adult I claim to be and talked it out with her but I didn't...

 

I hoped she would understand my inadequacies; that I lacked the ability to read other peoples feelings and express my own. And while her feelings were indeed unrequited, they were still important and I wanted her to know that I still cared and that I missed her dearly.

 

I wanted us to go back to how it was before... if it was possible.

 

But this wasn't apparently the right place to mend broken bridges...

 

I pulled the loose pink shirt over my head and became self conscious, realizing that I was changing in front of Jessica again. I glanced at her reflection in the mirror but she was completely immersed in her cell phone as she waited for us.

 

Tiffany and I had run late at the radio and were now forced to hurriedly change into our pink sauna outfits and report immediately to the stage.

 

“Five minutes, girls.” I heard through the door and broke my stare at Jessica.

 

Tiffany was watching me and gave me a sympathetic look.

 

Jessica beamed a full blown smile and slipped her phone back into her bag.

 

“I'm going to head out there.” She said, crossing the room.

 

“Okay.” Tiffany said, eying me.

 

The door closed and I was left staring at my own reflection in the mirror. I pouted until I felt Tiffany's hands caress the side of my face. Her soft lips followed soon after, brushing against my cheek. I leaned into her warmth.

 

“You'll find the right time to talk to her, Taetae...” she murmured.

 

“I hope it's soon.” I said, “We've hardly even had enough time to breath lately.”

 

“It'll work out and we can all put this behind us. We've got SMtown soon and it's Jessi's birthday tomorrow so we'll have to find time to participate.” She said.

 

Eesh... birthday.

 

I had forgotten Jessica's birthday. I shrunk, feeling like an even worse friend.

 

Tiffany smirked and patted my .

 

“You worry too much.” She said. “I don't think Jessica seemed very upset with you.”

 

“Maybe she is over it but I still want to explain myself to her.” I said.

 

“I really can't wait til all of this gets settled. You've been worrying so much about everything lately. When you and Jessi fix things, you can go back to being cute, happy Taeyeon that worries about running out of ice cream.” She said.

 

“Yah.” I said indignantly. She opened the door and we started walking together out to the stage. “I'm older now. I have much more important things to worry about than ice cream.”

 

“Like what?” She asked.

 

“Like... your kisses.” I said, my lip curling.

 

Tiffany smiled softly.

 

“Those wont ever run out, Tae.”

 

I grinned as we both came to a stop at the edge of the stage. Stage hands running around, glancing at their watch, the hosts seated being touched up one last time for good measure. The loud talk was easy to get lost in but we looked sideways at one another and the realization was shared that 'break time' was over but Happy Together in particular was a show I enjoyed doing. A lot of laughs were had and even an appearance by Yoona surprised us all.

 

Seeing her and Jessica reiterated how much I missed them and the other girls but it seems like as soon as the show started, we were already finished and waiting for our van to pick us up and take us to our next schedule at Music Core.

 

I watched Jessica as we drove away...

 

I knew I had literally no time to get her something for her birthday but I also knew that it was not a valid excuse.

 

 

Yuri placed a birthday tiara into my head and I squinted into the candle lit room in order to watch my sisters sing to me enthusiastically but all I could think about was that this was the first time we were all in the same room together in weeks, at least.

 

I was just happy to see all of their faces.

 

“To our sister Jessica who we looooove...”

 

I chuckled because they screwed this part up. Hyoyeon shoved Sooyoung playfully, indicating it was her fault to the rest of us.

 

“Happy birthday to youuuu!”

 

The girls let out a happy cheer and I felt an arm come around me from my side. I looked up into Yuri's face and she rose her eyebrows at me.

 

“Make a wish, beautiful.” She said, encouraging me.

 

I was glad the lights were out because I felt heat flood my cheeks. I pursed my lips in thought and wished for forever.

 

I couldn't imagine a time when we don't all get together on each others birthdays. I didn't want to ever not know these girls. I wanted to be able to keep them all forever as my family... the impossible... eternity.

 

After blowing out the candles the lights came back on and I glanced up at Yuri who cocked her head to the side at me. I was fast to put a smile back on my face and seemed to successfully fool her.

 

“Yah, cut this up.” Yoona said, motioning to the cake and pulling the plates out of the cupboard.

 

Yuri eased me into the nearest chair and insisted I didn't lift a finger for the rest of the evening. I felt myself burning pink again. She made me feel like a real, warm blooded princess.

 

I watched them all work around me, taking in their individual faces and analyzing their expressions. I loved times like this, when we could just enjoy ourselves as people and not think of work for a few moments.

 

Sunny and Sooyoung were crowding the cake that Seohyun was cutting, evidently hungry. Hyoyeon was joking around with Yuri and Yoona came to sit with me. I did the math in my head and looked around.

 

Tiffany was holding Taeyeon off to the side, just watching. They were already in makeup and I knew they and Seohyun would have to leave soon to make it to Inkigayo, but they didn't seem rushed.

 

Taeyeon gave me a small smile. I returned it but I didn't let my eyes linger on her. The best way to counter Taeyeon's breathtaking beauty is to not look at her at all.

 

“Where's your sister?” Yoona asked.

 

“Ah, she's recording. She'll be here later.” I said.

 

“I saw her the other day, she's really growing up nicely.” Sooyoung said to me.

 

“I know.” I grinned.

 

“And she's going to be a skyscraper to you soon if she keeps going.” Sooyoung smirked.

 

“Everyone passes me.” I said, glaring at her. There once was a time when I was taller than even this giant.

 

“Sica doesn't need to be tall. I'm tall enough for both of us.” Yuri said, smugly.

 

“As long as one of you can reach things off the top shelf, that's more than I can say for those two.” Sooyoung pointed at Taeyeon and Tiffany.

 

“Skyscrapers only cause smog.” Taeyeon said, sagely.

 

Yoona snorted.

 

“What is that supposed to even mean?” Sooyoung chuckled.

 

“It means you smell!” Taeyeon said, scrunching her nose up.

 

The others laughed.

 

“She's got a point.” I echoed, shrugging slightly.

 

“Ah the shorties are banding together and Yuri's too whipped to help me out now.” Sooyoung laughed.

 

“You'd be whipped too if you were getting any action.” Sunny said. Seohyun immediately hit her in the shoulder.

 

“It'll happen one day.” Sooyoung nodded, positively.

 

I grinned at her.

 

Sooyoung, out of all of the girls, has the most potential to make someone very happy, in my opinion.

 

“Alright, girls...” Yongjun began and without even hearing the rest of the sentence I knew it was over. TaeTiSeo had to leave. It was like somebody just let the air out of my balloon.

 

Seohyun stood up and pushed her hair back before frowning at me. I half smiled.

 

“I wish we could stay longer, unnie.” She said in a small voice.

 

“Not your fault.” I said, pulling her into a hug. “Be safe.”

 

Tiffany grasped my face the minute I let go of Seohyun and kissed my cheek. I patted hers back clumsily.

 

“We left your presents on your bed.” Tiffany said.

 

“Thank you.” I smiled.

 

Taeyeon stood aloof next to me for a moment before extending her arms. She hugged me gently and messed up my hair with her hand. “Happy birthday, Jeshica.” She said.

 

“Thanks. You guys better win tonight since you're missing my party.” I said.

 

She grinned.

 

“We'll bring the trophy home to you.”

 

Yuri rubbed my shoulders as the door shut behind the others. I looked over my shoulder at her and she looked pleased with me.

 

“You're doing so good.” Yuri muttered.

 

I beamed.

 

I was feeling very proud of myself lately for how well I've acted around Taeyeon and the others. It wasn't that anything had changed either, it was just getting easier with time, a feat I didn't consider possible if I didn't have Yuri to help me.

 

I locked eyes with her, got to my feet and started walking towards our room.

 

“Oh, there they go again.” Yoona said from the kitchen as I assumed Yuri had gotten up to follow me.

 

I knew she would follow me because we could communicate without words. I turned around and walked the last few steps into my room backwards as I flung my arms around her neck. Her finger tips were already swimming through my hair and I haphazardly tried to shut the door with my foot before she had pushed me back onto the bed.

 

My infinite savior, Yuri.

 

As she came on top of me I squealed as something hard dug into my back and rolled over to pull out a small box. Yuri grinned, wide mouthed and took it from my hand, setting it aside and taking my lips once more.

 

My eyes rolled close and I hummed against her, feeling her shiver in response. Yuri told me one of her favorite things about me was my voice, so I started using it more to my advantage.

 

“Yuri-ah.” I whispered, pulling away.

 

“Mm..?”

 

“You can't steal me yet. It's still my birthday.” I said, smiling and letting my head fall against the mattress, my eyes closed.

 

She groaned her displeasure in response, kissing along my jaw softly.

 

“Yuri.” I said, patting her stomach. She only paused momentarily to show defiance before continuing.

 

“I wish I could go with you tonight.” I said softly.

 

Yuri sighed heavily and sat up on her elbows, tracing a hand through my hair as she gazed upon me.

 

“You would find it boring, I think.” She said.

 

I smirked.

 

“Do you think you could act in front of me? Or would I be too distracting?” I asked.

 

She thought about it for a moment.

 

“I don't know.” She laughed. “It would be hard...”

 

…

 

“Promise to wake me up when you get home?” I asked.

 

“Waking you up isn't an easy thing to do...” Yuri smiled.

 

“Promise me.” I demanded.

 

“I'll try.” She said. “Just don't hit me too hard.”

 

I think she noticed the somewhat somber expression on my face but I tried to fix it. I didn't want to make her feel guilty for having to work on my birthday because I knew it was completely beyond her control. The only place she wanted to be tonight was with me and the girls... so I smiled brighter.

 

“You're going to have a wonderful time with Krystal and the others tonight. You won't even miss me; I'll be back before you know it.” She said.

 

I nodded in agreement and sat up, reclaiming the small box that I almost crushed hoping it was nothing fragile.

 

“From Tiffany.” I said, glancing at the tag attached to the wrapping paper.

 

Yuri smiled as I starting ripping away the paper.

 

Inside of the small box was a glasses case containing a very cute pair of sunglasses. I beamed, putting them on and giving Yuri a dorky look. She gave me the thumbs up approval before getting to her feet.

 

“Open mine- Yah, wait.”

 

After the sound of the front door opening and closing, Yuri changed her direction and instead poked her head out of our door.

 

“Your sister is here.” She said.

 

“Ah.” I said. “Tell her I'll be right out.”

 

“Alright.” Yuri said.

 

“Wait!” I said.

 

She paused.

 

I struggled out of bed and crossed the room to her, hugging her tightly.

 

“Yuri-ah, saranghae...” I whispered.

 

The words that came out of my mouth shocked even me...

 

I remember not long ago being worried that Yuri would say that phrase to me first and that I wouldn't be ready to say it in return. As Yuri's exterior softened, she seemed to be trying to x-ray my brain to see if I meant it. I thought about it myself... and I felt so much conviction behind it.

 

We had a slow start but I truly felt love for Yuri... I was falling for her...

 

“Nado saranghae...” She said back softly, smiling radiantly.

 

She kissed my forehead and ran her palm across my cheek before disappearing down the hall.

 

The warm feeling in my stomach pulsed through me quickly. I spun on the spot and subconsciously hugged myself, enjoying my surprisingly rapid heartbeat.

 

I felt so alive...

 

I pulled my new sunglasses out of my hair and set them on my desk before I turned for the door but I noticed, at the same time, something else lying on my bed.

 

An envelope with my name on it.

 

Taeyeon's gift...

 

I teetered on the balls of my feet, unsure whether or not I should open it now or wait until later... but curiosity got the best of me.

 

I quickly ripped the envelope open intending to skim through it and get back to my party...

 

…

 

Jessica,

 

Another year older! But don't let it fool you, you'll never catch up to your kid leader! Keke. Anyway, when I sought out to find the perfect birthday present for you I couldn't help but reflect about the time we spent together since we last celebrated your birthday. It saddens me to acknowledge that it hasn't all been good, has it?

 

I think... this next year we should focus on taking care of one another and returning to the friendship we once had. I want you to know that as a member and as a person I care very much about you and I've missed you dearly, even if I can't handle every situation thrown at me very well. I will try harder and you have it in writing.

 

One day when we're all comfortable, I think we should all go out to eat together. A double date, what do you say? Let's talk sometime soon when our schedules aren't so frantic. I love you. Please enjoy your birthday.

 

Taeyeon

 

I blinked at the paper a few times, trying to reinforce to myself that it truly said what I had read.

 

I felt overwhelming, thought provoking relief. The one thing that had been missing out of this perfect picture I was trying to tell myself I was living was reconciliation with Taeyeon. I wasn't even sure it was possible to go back to having a normal friendship with her but if she was taking the first steps toward it, it gave me great hope.

 

I had an incredible urge to call her...

 

“Are you coming?” Yuri said, peaking in the door again.

 

I wondered how much time had passed since she left before. I completely lost track of it.

 

Her eyes felt to the letter I was holding, but she didn't ask about it. I knew she didn't want to intrude on my privacy, but I could tell she was curious about it.

 

“Here.” I said, holding it out to her.

 

She took it gingerly and read it before looking back up at me.

 

I smiled weakly and was surprised when a tear escaped and slid down my face.

 

She wiped it away for me without a word.

 

“I'm so glad.” She said. “It's really been too long to go on like this, it's big of her to say that.”

 

I nodded, inhaling deeply.

 

You're too emotional, Jessica...

 

Yuri hugged me, tightly.

 

I had to put my game face on, my sister was just in the other room and she... she knew nothing. For a long time, she would know nothing. I couldn't imagine telling her or my parents the truth about my love life and I didn't see a reason to.

 

I wasn't as sure of this lifestyle yet as Taeyeon and Tiffany were... why would I want to take them along for the ride while I was testing the waters?

 

“I'm okay.” I muttered, pulling back and waving air onto my damp face.

 

Yuri waited patiently as I composed myself again.

 

“Stay close to me...” I murmured, opening the door.

 

 

I got my jacket out of my carry-on and pulled it on over my dress. Who would have thought I would need it in 'sunny' California but when I made a comment about it Tiffany just made some excuse about how unpredictable the weather was here and that we could all be sweating bullets later.

 

I called her bluff.

 

Outside of the customs checkpoint I could hear where the fans had gathered and had déjà vu about the last time I had exited this airport, just a few months ago with Tiffany alone for our vacation...

 

There had been no waiting party.

 

“What's taking so long?” Hyoyeon asked.

 

We had all cleared customs except for Seohyun and and waited behind a wall for her to come so we could all make our fast break for the van immediately. Tiffany and I took a seat together while Hyoyeon remained standing with Super Junior's Sungmin.

 

“Always waiting for the youth.” Hyoyeon said in mock annoyance.

 

Seohyun turned around and stuck her tongue out at us.

 

It felt odd traveling with only three others... but due to scheduling conflicts it had to be done in order to all make it to SMTown. Yoona and Yuri would have to take an even later flight to meet up with us since they were filming.

 

“It wont be much longer, do we really have to move the van?” I heard Yongjun arguing with one of the airport's head security guys.

 

I smirked. Airports in the states are the strictest on rules and they weren't going to let us wait around just because we were celebrities.

 

“Alright guys, we're ready for you.” Yongjun said into a radio transmitter.

 

I took it as a signal to go and Tiffany and I stood, fixing our hair.

 

“Straight into the van, no stopping and hopefully Seohyun will be able to catch the ride before we absolutely have to leave.” He said to us.

 

“You hear that? We're leaving you.” Hyoyeon called to Seohyun. I grinned.

 

“Tae, wait.” Tiffany said, I turned around to face her.

 

She pushed a few stray pieces of my hair behind my ears and glanced over the rest of my face to make sure I was picture worthy.

 

Picture worthy, I thought. What a joke, I was as good as sleep walking.

 

“Do I look okay?” She asked.

 

“You... you look incredible.” I smiled.

 

She smirked and slid her sunglasses down over her eyes. She should know by now that I'm too biased to ever be able to answer that question objectionably again.

 

We lined up and security stood in between each of us... Hyoyeon and Sungmin showed their faces first and the screaming began. We started at a breakneck pace through the crowd and I was pleased to see they had created an aisle for us to walk through.

 

I heard them calling us in English but I kept my head forward, smiling slightly at the warm welcome. It would probably be a long time until I'd get used to this sort of response from overseas fans, but thanks to Tiffany I was starting to be able to understand their words of welcome better.

 

We squeezed into a seat together and the van was closed immediately. The fans had followed us over, lined up in front of the darkly tinted glass to try and get another look at us. I took this time to read the banners and messages on ipads that were being held up to us.

 

“Look, Tae, it's a dukong.” Tiffany said, pointing at the hastily drawn pea pod.

 

I grinned, knowing that would probably be my symbol for years to come.

 

We ended up having to circle the airport numerous times while we waited for Seohyun to clear customs.

 

Hyoyeon suggested that we leave her with a few dollars and a cameraman and that it would become the newest hot reality show as she tries to navigate her way to the hotel on her own.

 

As mean as it was I admitted that I would probably watch that show.

 

As we walked into the hotel, again, there were fans camped out in the lobby. This was too be expected. Luckily since the others had already checked in we were able to just walk past and head directly for the room.

 

SMTown was never about privacy...

 

“Taengoo!” Sunny yelled as I entered the hotel room.

 

I grinned and stumbled as she threw herself at me, almost knocking Tiffany into the door frame. Instead of excluding her, Sunny pulled Tiffany into the hug as well.

 

“How was your trip?” She asked.

 

“Went well.” I said.

 

“You look tired.” Sunny said.

 

“I could definitely sleep.”

 

I slipped my shoes off and left them in the entrance area, immediately trying to find a good bed for Tiffany and I to sleep in.

 

Sooyoung was in the first one I found, and Hyoyeon and Seohyun were setting up in the other room. It was obvious that this was one of those trips in which we'd have to cram together, but the way Sooyoung ginormous body was sprawled out made me sigh.

 

“Tipani. You sleep with Sooyoung I'll take the couch.” I muttered to her, walking out to the living room.

 

“Don't be silly.” She said, following after me.

 

Before I could lay on the couch she stopped me, moved me aside and laid down before me, offering me a perfectly shaped nook for me to lie in on her shoulder. I smiled and came to rest on her and she held me close.

 

The best thing about long flights is being able to finally give in to the exhaustion and pass out into a deep sleep. I was so tired that I was able to sleep through people walking in and out of the room, the front door opening and closing, the low conversations that people had in our presence... It was like I absorbed them into a place where I couldn't fully comprehend them.

 

They bounced right off of me and dissolved into nothingness. The only thing I was truly focused on was Tiffany's slow breathing and even heart beat.

 

I don't actually know how long we were asleep for, but I know it was Jessica's voice that woke us.

 

“What do you mean!?”

 

The door slammed.

 

I opened an eye and came face to face with raging hellfire Sica... luckily she wasn't looking at me.

 

I was too groggy at first to understand what the argument was about.

 

“It's impossible.” Yongjun said.

 

Jessica stared at him in disbelief. Her hands were balled into fists but I was too tired to put two and two together...

 

“But it's SMTown.” Jessica said again. “Isn't this their first obligation?”

 

“You're right.” He said, “And trust me, the President is very upset about this but there's no way around it...”

 

Jessica looked at me as if expecting me to say something. I blinked at her.

 

“What's the problem?” Tiffany grumbled.

 

Jessica looked back to Yongjun, expecting him to explain.

 

“Yuri and Yoona won't be coming for the concert.” He said.

 

… I couldn't find words, my mouth just hung open in shock.

 

“What?!” Tiffany exclaimed, sitting up quickly. I almost rolled out of her arms onto the floor.

 

“Seriously?” I said, putting a hand out on the ground to help myself stand up.

 

Yongjun put up his hands protectively, obviously trying to diffuse the situation.

 

“It will be fine, Sooyoung and Hyoyeon will step up.”

 

“It's not the same without them.” Tiffany said.

 

“This is ridiculous.” Jessica said, shaking her head.

 

Sunny was standing off to the side with her arms folded looking mutinous.

 

“So... have we made the announcement yet?” I asked.

 

“What announcement?” He asked.

 

“...The announcement where we tell everybody that there's only going to be seven out of nine members at SMTown...” I said slowly, feeling I hardly needed to explain that.

 

“We aren't.” He said. “Fans keep a pretty close eye on you guys they'll notice that they haven't arrived in the United States.”

 

“You're kidding, right?” Sunny asked.

 

“He must be.” Jessica said between her teeth.

 

“We can't not announce it publicly...” I said. “Not everybody follows our every move...”

 

He took a pointed step away from Jessica who was closing in on him. I grabbed her arm to still her.

 

“I don't feel right about performing without the others... without telling the fans first.” Tiffany said.

 

“I agree.” Sunny said.

 

“Well, that's too bad. This is how it has to be. Even if they took the last flight available, they would be in the air during the show. They're contractually obligated to finish their dramas...”

 

“What does that have to do without letting our faithful fans know about it ahead of time?” I growled. “There's going to be people there that have waited years to see Yuri and Yoona in person and we're just going to spring that on them the night of the concert?”

 

I sighed and looked away from him when it looked like he wasn't going to answer. This seemed like such a great injustice to our die hard fans... it pained me that I had no choice but to go along with it.

 

The other girls followed me into the nearest bedroom leaving Yongjun in the main area by himself. I was too upset to continue talking to him. The treatment of our fans as of late has taken a backseat to SM's agenda far too often lately...

 

I sat on the edge of Sooyoung's bed and locked eyes with Sunny.

 

“It's bad, right?” Sunny asked, one side of her lip curling south. “It's so messed up.”

 

“We can complain about it all we want, but we still have to do it, don't we?” I said softly.

 

Jessica held her phone up to her ear and her eyes fell down to her own lap. I could feel the enthusiasm of other girls around me deflating as Sunny filled Sooyoung in on the situation. I glanced sideways at Tiffany.

 

“It just means we have to be even better.” I said. “We have to give them a really good show. Not for SM but for the fans, right?” I asked.

 

“For the fans.” Tiffany echoed.

 

Sunny nodded.

 

“Yuri-ah!” Jessica whimpered in a cracked voice. She stood up and left the room immediately.

 

I frowned after her.

 

Sunny nudged me.

 

“Yuri and Sica were planning on spending some time in San Francisco together after SMTown..” She whispered.

 

“...Maybe they still can.” I said, trying to sound positive.

 

I stood up off the bed and paced back and forth slowly, knowing that there was six pairs of eyes staring at my back, waiting for my next move. It was in situations like this when we disagreed with the company that they would look to me as a leader and I had to act accordingly.

 

“We're going to give it our all.” I repeated. “We're going to put on a wonderful show, and we'll go early to rehearsal. I want all the parts sorted out between you two and Hyo.” I said, pointing at Sunny and Sooyoung.

 

“And... When all is said and done, our fans will say we put on a great show either way. If Yuri and Yoona can't be here, then Sones can take their place for the night.”

 

They nodded in agreement, but I couldn't help but wonder if they could see through my confident visage. I smiled to try and affirm it and Sunny even got up to get some paper so we could divide up the different parts.

 

I sat down on the bed knowing I still hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep yet, but we worked late into the night together going through our set list and dividing up every single part of every single song, changing dance steps, positions, singing parts.

 

It was meticulous, slow work... but I think it made the girls feel a little more comfortable just having a game plan.

 

One by one, they started leaving to go to bed. It looked like in the process of working, Tiffany and I had managed to hijack a bed to ourselves for the rest of the night. I was still looking over the last of the paperwork when Tiffany stood up to change into sleeping clothes.

 

“I think that's everything...” I muttered.

 

Tiffany slid her hand up my arm to my shoulder and took the work out of my hand, setting it on the night stand and pulling me to lay back and relax a little. She nuzzled the side of my neck with her nose and it was as if she absorbed every unwanted ounce of stress from my body to dispose of it into non being.

 

“Tae?” She whispered.

 

I stared into her eyes and watched her smile bloom. Even in the low light, Tiffany's dark eyes sparkled luminously and I was captured in her gaze. Helpless, frozen... but I liked it.

 

“You're such a good leader...”

 

I snorted, rolling my eyes.

 

“I'm serious!” She hit me in the shoulder. “You really.... you turned things around the way you stepped up tonight. Do you even realize that?”

 

“If I hadn't done it someone else would have.” I said.

 

“Taeyeon.” Tiffany's expression fell, “Nobody else would have done it because you're the leader. They were all looking towards you and you stepped up and... and... it was y.”

 

I had to look away from her perfect double eye crescents to try and keep my face from getting any redder.

 

“You gave the girls confidence again... but who's going to make you confident, Tae?” She asked.

 

She was using her fingertips to slowly remove every strand of hair that was still clinging to my neck. When it was bare, I felt a shift of weight in the bed change as she sat up to turn off the light. Her arms came around me, and I felt her soft lips at my neck.

 

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply... Nobody had to make me confident... Tiffany's presence in itself made me soar above the clouds.

 

“I love you, Tae.” She said softly in English. Her warm breath caressing my skin.

 

“I love you, too.” I said back in English.

 

There was a moments silence and then I felt her convulse a few times. She sat up quickly and turned the light back on.

 

I turned around, confused, to find her laughing.

 

“You ruv me, Tae?” She chuckled.

 

“Aish.. really?” I sighed.

 

“I ruv you, too.” She said.

 

“You shouldn't make fun of my pronunciation when you speak so funny in Korean.” I warned her.

 

“I just ruv you!” She was getting louder, overpowering any of my objections.

 

“Shhhh...” I hissed, sitting up to try and lean over her to turn the light back out.

 

She used my proximity to her advantage to kiss my cheek sweetly and our eyes locked again. She smiled.

 

“You're cute when you're flustered.” She said. She turned the light off for me and cradled me until we hit the mattress again.

 

 

 

To add insult to injury and push us to the limits of guilt of betraying our fans, SM insisted that we didn't rehearse at the venue the day of the concert, not wanting to raise any flags about certain members not being there. This made my blood boil. Not only were we missing out on rehearsing but we were adding another level to the deception.

 

How much deceit did SM think we could get away with?

 

Not to mention, it left us with little to do the day of the concert.. we were all at the venue with nothing to do, so after hair and makeup most of the time was spent sitting around listening to the other groups practice or working on our last minute changes in our cramped locker room.

 

When it became completely unbearable for me to sit still any longer, I walked away down the hall to the backstage area.

 

Jessica was rehearsing with Krystal and I took a seat just off the side of the stage to watch them.

 

Ever since F(x)'s debut, the Jung sisters have always been a cute part of SMTown. They sang the last few lines of Katy Perry's 'California Girls' and walked off to the side in front of me to talk to the stage manager.

 

The rest of F(x) started rehearsing and Jessica went off to retrieve her cell phone from our manager... I watched her intently, knowing how upset she must be that she can't share this concert with Yuri... I didn't even want to think about being that far away from Tiffany any time soon though I knew it would eventually be inevitable once again.

 

She didn't seem to be having any luck getting through to her though, and she eventually found me sitting aside. She walked up to me and leaned against the crate I was sitting on.

 

“Are you going to be able to do this tonight?” I asked her.

 

“I don't really have a choice, do I?” She asked.

 

“No... you don't. We have to make sure this performance is special since they aren't here though.” I said.

 

She pouted at her phone again and I had a pretty good feeling I wasn't going to be able to get through to her using the 'leadership' approach.

 

“Did you get your present...?” I asked her.

 

She blinked a few times and looked sideways at me, like the question had been out of left field.

 

“Um, yes. Thank you. I think... I definitely needed that.”

 

I nodded and internally pushed myself into my next action...

 

I looped my arm into hers and pulled her closer.

 

“No more awkwardness.” I said. “We can be great friends now, right?” I asked.

 

Her eyes ran over me, assessing me, before ignoring my question. “I'll be able to perform just fine...”

 

“Well, you don't have to feel alone just because Yuri isn't here. We're all here with you.” I said.

 

Jessica didn't have a response... she just clutched to her cell phone, adamantly not looking me in the face.

 

I pointed at her cell phone.

 

“You love her, don't you?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Oh, what's this?” I asked, using my finger to pull aside a necklace she was wearing that I thought must be new. It had a very shiny, very, very diamond encrusted crown.

 

“Yuri bought that for me for my birthday.” She said.

 

“A crown?”

 

Jessica smiled and looked down at it herself. “Yuri's so funny... She said we're royalty, not like some locksmith peasants.” She giggled. “So she said I should be wearing a crown, because I'm her queen.”

 

I smirked. “Yuri called me a peasant, huh?”

 

Jessica giggled again, nodding. It seemed like her entire stature was relaxing because we were talking about Yuri.

 

“I think you two are a perfect match.” I said.

 

Jessica smiled, raising her eyes to watch F(x) performing in front of us for a while. We both watched in silence until they were in between songs. Amber was now just talking to the fans.

 

“I miss you.” Jessica said, softly.

 

“I miss you too.” I said, watching her face.

 

…

 

“Can I ask you something?” I asked after a long silence.

 

She nodded.

 

“Did it start in Australia? I mean your feelings... for me...?”

 

She smirked and rolled her eyes.

 

“No, Taeyeon, it started a lot earlier than that.” She said, looking down at her hands. “but... Tiffany never left us alone long enough for anything to develop, did she?”

 

I thought about that for a long while...

 

When, during our training days, had I really ever had time alone with Jessica... without Tiffany conveniently appearing. She was always right by my side. Not that it mattered, but I wondered if Tiffany even knew back then that Sica liked me... that there was some form of competition that she didn't hesitate to step up for...

 

“I think Tiffany's been fighting for you longer than you even realize.” Jessica said.

 

I nodded. She was probably right.

 

“I bet Yuri's been after you just as long.” I said. “She's just a coward.”

 

Jessica shoved my shoulder, which made me laugh.

 

“Don't you call my Yuri a coward.”

 

It felt right again, like we could be ourselves in front of one another. I felt like I truly had my friend back... like we could pick up right where we left off. It left me smiling for a long time.

 

Jessica scooted closer to me and took my head in her hands, pressing her lips to my cheek.

 

“You're alright, kid.” She said.

 

I smirked and looked sideways at her.

 

“Double date when we get back to Korea?”

 

“Ah, I don't know if I’m quite ready for that yet.” She laughed, “But I'm working towards it. Soon. I’ll let you know.”

 

She was staring at me for a reaction, but I couldn't focus on her face. I noticed Yongjun on the other side of the stage on the phone with a look on his face I'd never seen before. Shock? Despair? I couldn't tell. Jessica eventually followed me eyes and turned her head towards him.

 

“What's wrong with him?” She asked.

 

“I don't know.” I said. “Let's find out.”

 

I slid off the crate and started walking directly for him. We came to a stop right in front of him and he seemed like he was in another world, like he didn't even realize we were there.

 

Jessica waved a hand in front of his face and he glared at her.

 

“I can't do that.” He said, turning away from us.

 

“Someone's in a bad mood.” Jessica whispered, her eyes wide.

 

There was something foreboding about this turn of events... I smirked at Jessica's comment but at the same time I stood rooted the ground, just waiting for him to get off of the phone. When he turned around again and slipped his phone back into his pocket, his eyes landed directly on me, and they weren't stern but sympathetic.

 

The look alone made my heart drop.

 

“So what's up?” Jessica asked.

 

I couldn't break my gaze with him. Just by looking the man in his face I could tell there was something terribly wrong...

 

He tried to open his mouth to speak but I could tell he was struggling with words.

 

“Hello?” Jessica asked.

 

“I can't believe it.” He said. He looked around behind himself. “I need to sit down.”

 

He swayed on his feet; alarmed, I put a hand under his arm and guided him to a nearby crate. Jessica followed behind. It was like all at once she realized how serious the atmosphere was.

 

"Yongjun? Is it Yuri? Is Yuri okay?” She asked, quickly.

 

“She's fine.” He said in a dead voice.

 

I sensed that it would be in my best interest to sit down as well and I slid onto the crate next to him. He looked right at me again.

 

“Taeyeon...” He said softly.

 

My heart pounded faster.

 

“Right now, spreading all over the internet there's some pictures...” He said.

 

I could hear my pulse ringing in my ears.

 

“I haven't seen them yet...” He said. He couldn’t look me in the face anymore. “but... I guess it's undeniable evidence.”

 

I blinked.

 

Undeniable evidence...

 

…

 

I felt Jessica grip my wrist.

 

“The secret is out, Taeyeon.” He said.

 

The secret.

 

I only knew of one secret.

 

I couldn't breath, I couldn't move. I couldn't react in any way.

 

“...Can't SM call it a fake?” Jessica asked.

 

“Where is it?” I asked, calmly. “I want to see it.”

 

Yongjun pulled out his cell phone and opened up its browser.

 

It was strange... I should be more upset right now... but it was sort of like confronting the inevitable, wasn't it? Had I, all this time, expected it to end this way? Did this mean I had to pack up and leave right now...?

 

While Yongjun was searching on his phone, Jessica's grip only grew tighter on my wrist, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything anymore.

 

It's over, Taeyeon.

 

Yongjun handed his phone to me and Jessica put her head against mine. I began scrolling down the page slowly...

 

It started off pretty innocent. We were in between two of our vans, which tipped me off immediately that these had been taken on the day of the airport incident. Tiffany and I were embracing, and then the other girls joined in in a group hug. The next few pictures were of Tiffany wiping away my tears and the other girls dispersing.

 

I already knew it was coming. I specifically remembered what happened next. Her fingertips underneath my chin... her forehead against mine.. our lips came together...

 

They even managed to get a picture of the kiss with opened mouths...

 

Tiffany's sunglasses were on her head and I wasn't wearing any... it was as Yongjun said; undeniable.

 

It's over. In one quick phone call my career had come to an end. Somehow, I'd always expected it to be more grandiose... maybe there would be some pyrotechnics involved.

 

I'd seen enough and gotten to my feet, unsure of my trajectory.

 

The one thing that I was strikingly aware of was that no tears were coming... It surprised me.

 

“Taeyeon...” Jessica said, peering into my face. I stared back into hers but it was like I couldn't see her correctly. Her features were blurred; her voice was distorted...

 

“Where are you going?” Yongjun asked.

 

“...I don't know. I guess, I'll go get Tiffany and we'll get our things from the hotel... we can probably stay with her dad-”

 

“Oh, no no no no.” He said, grasping my shoulders. “We're already down two girls tonight, we can't go out with five.”

 

I looked at him, slightly stupefied.

 

“But aren't I fired?” I asked.

 

“Effective after the show tonight.” He said.

 

I gasped.

 

They're ending my career and making me go on stage right after telling me that?

 

“Think about the fans.” He said. “Think about the other girls, they'd be lost without you up there.”

 

My teeth came together...

 

Once again I was being manipulated... just as I have been since the very day I joined with this company...

 

My last show as SNSD...

 

I numbly walked through the hallway back to the locker room aware of every familiar face I passed on the way but at the same time, completely absent from my own body. Jessica followed behind me, a hand on my lower back as if to guide me.

 

I was glad she didn't try talking to me... I really had no words for what was happening. Then I remembered something.

 

I stopped so fast that she walked into me.

 

“Sica, we can't tell the others.” I said. “They can't perform after hearing this. I'm telling Tiffany and that's it.”

 

Jessica nodded, “However you want to do it.”

 

I peeked my head into the locker room and summoned Tiffany and led her down into the deepest aisle of thick wires and black speaker boxes where I sat her down and told her...

 

… it was the hardest thing I've ever done, sitting there and watching the color drain from her face.

 

Tears did come for Tiffany, but I'm not certain they were because we'd been found out or that there had been a great invasion of our privacy.

 

“We both knew this might happen...” I said, feeling a little worried.

 

She nodded and wiped her face.

 

…

 

“Will you be okay tonight?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” She said.

 

…

 

…

 

“Tipani... was it worth it?” I asked.

 

The lights they were testing on the stage flashed across her face, red and white and green... it reminded me of sitting with her in that park on Christmas night when the traffic signals and headlights were grazing our vision...

 

“Hm?” She asked..

 

“Is it worth it to lose your dream job to be with me?” I asked.

 

“Tae... I would do it all again, just the same.” She said, entangling her fingers with mine.

 

… Why? I couldn't understand it.

 

 

TVXQ were performing, and the concert was about to come to an end. Tiffany, Leeteuk and I stood together waiting for the cue to go out and do our last Mcing cut before the finale in which all the artists came together for the last song, 'Hope'. Ironic name, I thought.

 

I glanced sideways and saw Tiffany was wearing the same expression I felt.

 

Blank, empty, numb...

 

This would be our last time on stage with the other girls... perhaps our last time on stage ever...

 

The majority of these people, people we'd grown up with and trained with that had become our family we would never or hear from again...

 

Its all I could think of as Tiffany spoke to the crowd. I gazed into it, really trying to take the audience in person by person...

 

It was remarkable how little pink was shining from them tonight. I wondered how many people here already knew about Tiffany and I... I wondered if there were people that didn't come tonight because they'd heard about us. Or if they didn't come because they found out about Yuri and Yoona, I had no way of knowing...

 

Either way... SNSD didn't receive as much support tonight as we usually do and I could only blame myself.

 

It would be better if I just didn't go home right away... How could I face Korea and the media when it comes out that Tiffany and I had been kicked from SNSD?

 

The music started and I followed Tiffany off to the side of the stage as the others came out. She patted me on the elbow and insisted that I got into my place.

 

I did so spitefully...

 

Get in the right place.

 

Say the things we want you to say.

 

Dance the way we tell you to dance.

 

Act the way we demand.

 

My teeth came together again...

 

Being fired came with its own grieving process... but I feel that since I'd already gone through this the first time they told me I couldn't be with Tiffany, I went through the steps much faster...

 

I was feeling so much resentment as I walked down the runway to the end of the stage with Luna from F(x).

 

You have an image to uphold and you must, if you embarrass the company you'll be terminated.

 

There were many fan's waving pink glow sticks up at me. I waved back to them halfheartedly.

 

These fans that spend hours on end watching videos to learn about me... they haven't learned a single thing. They've learned about every image and scripted instance that SM has created. They've all fallen for the illusion...

 

They don't even know who I am.

 

Do I? Who am I?

 

I'm SNSD's Kim Taeyeon.

 

Not anymore.

 

So what does that make me now? Hwang Miyoung's Kim Taeyeon.

 

I glanced back in search of her but it was impossible to see her with so many people on the stage.

 

Instead, I tried getting through the song without looking like a raging lunatic. I started reading fan signs in order to calm myself and even though most of them were for Super Junior, I did spot for a few for SNSD. A Sunny sign, with her picture cut out in the shape of a heart and then my heart dropped when I saw one smaller looking girl holding a sign with Yoona's name on it.

 

s, SM. Completely heartless s. I wondered how long this girl had been waiting to see Yoona. They didn't even have the common courtesy to tell her she wouldn't be coming...

 

But I was a part of that. We didn't rehearse today... we kept the secret. We did as we were told.

 

A pang of guilt overtook me. I felt dizzy and looked around for Tiffany again but she was on the other side of the giant 'T' that the end of the stage made.

 

I tried to control my breathing when I caught eye of a 'taeny' sign.

 

Taeny. The manufactured garbage they wanted you to believe. Give them just enough evidence to feel its real without ever confirming or denying it.

 

Hypocrites, all of them. How many locksmiths would be disgusted to find out it's been real the entire time?

 

The cue came to return to the other stage and I met Tiffany on the way back, looping my arm in hers.

 

“Are you okay?” I said into her ear.

 

“No.” She answered, blank faced.

 

We returned to the main stage and just stood there as we were supposed to. Some of the boys were still out hamming it up and I had a sudden urge. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't let my career end like this without a single word or act of defiance. I couldn't go down quietly...

 

“Let's go.” I said, taking Tiffany's hand in mine.

 

“W-Where are we going?” She asked.

 

We were already walking down long catwalk towards the end. Minho from Shinee even cleared the way for us, offering us a wider path and holding his hand out.

 

What I was about to do would shock him and everybody else up here.

 

When we got to the end of the stage a few Sones were going crazy, as they always did when Tiffany and I were touching. I waved at them.

 

“What are you thinking?” Tiffany asked me.

 

We were already fired... but it would only be fair to warn her in advance...

 

“I'm going to kiss you.” I said.

 

Her reaction to this surprised me. Instead of looking at me like I had three heads, she blinked a few times, searching my expression. Her eyes turned into crescents which garnered even more applause and I turned to see that our faces were indeed on the main screen.

 

Perfect...

 

Here you go SM, you want to manufacture us? You got it.

 

I took my earpiece out of my ear and let it hang off of my shoulder and in the same movement, touched Tiffany's face with my hand. She smiled even wider.

 

The crowd was going absolutely insane...

 

I took that as my cue to lean my head into hers...

 

And when our lips touched, I could hear the crowd no more.