It was a quiet ride in the back of the van. Too quiet.

I hoped dearly she would be more talkative during dinner or it would end up being incredibly awkward but maybe she was just respecting how tired I was. The entire van smelled thickly of her perfume. It was intoxicating but I had a feeling it effected my vocal cords and thought process negatively.

"Here." She said, handing me a pair of sunglasses.

Sunglasses in the darkness of the night. We had to try everything we could to not draw attention to ourselves but this rarely worked. Our fans knew us so well that they could tell who we were by our height and body structure, but I put them on anyway and pulled my hood over my head grinning.

“Yo!” I stuck my lips out and tilted my head in my best gangster impression, folding my arms over my body.

Tiffany looked at me inquisitively before shoving my shoulder.

“Dork.”

“What?” I asked, deflating slightly. “My feelings, they hurt.”

“You should feel honored. There is no one else in this world that will ever contest you for the world’s biggest dork.” Tiffany smiled as she put on her sunglasses.

“You say ‘dork’ like it’s a bad thing.” I said, looking out the window.

“In your case…” She said as she put her chin on my shoulder. “…it’s definitely not a bad thing.”

I smiled hugely as we parked. The driver pulled us up to a little restaurant close to the dorm that Tiffany liked. It served both American and Korean food so it suited us well. We ordered and got a booth without incident. Our small security consisted of one bodyguard and our driver and they sat at a table separate from us, but close enough to handle anything if it happened. It was kind of dead inside the restaurant and we were seated next to a window together and given menus. 

To my dismay, the low light and soft music made this feel like a real date. It set my nerves on edge.

"I'm so hungry!" Tiffany said after we ordered.

"I'm so tired." I responded, taking my hood down and leaning against the booth.

"Poor thing." She smiled. "Eating is important, though. I'm glad I made you do this."

"Thank you for taking care of me." I said under my breath, examining maybe too closely, the grains of wood in the table.

She nodded politely to the waitress as she set our drinks down. I noticed that even though we had an entire booth to ourselves, we were still sitting so close to one another. My mood was picking up rapidly.

"So... what do you think?" She asked, sipping from her tea.

"About?"

"The Boys." She looked at me.

"I... don't know." I said looking dissatisfied.

"You know, whenever you don't like a song it ends up being a hit." She chuckled.

I nodded. "You're right, so we'll probably break records and be a hit once more." I said, unconvincingly.

There was a pause.

"You've been different lately." Tiffany said in an undertone.

I looked at her. The waitress returned with our food and I waited for her to take her leave before I answered.

"How so?" I asked, taking a bite.

"Just... less animated I guess. Everyone notices it; we're all kind of worried."

"You think I'm less animated?" I asked. I really didn't intend for her to notice a change in me, but ever since my feelings for her had started taking shape I knew for a fact that I'd been different.

She nodded. "Sometimes... it seems like something is bothering you."

"I'm sorry to have made you worry but I'm okay." I said without looking up, half smiling.

After a moment, I realized she wasn't eating. I looked up to find her staring at me with a heartbreaking look. I've always hated that expression on her face. It was a face that reminds me of her youth, our training days. She used to wear it more frequently back then. 

I knew she saw right through me, just as she always did. Fany knew me too well.

She scooted closer to me and dropped her voice.

"Tae...” She said, "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

I nodded, certain that if she actually knew what I was hiding that she wouldn't want to know anyway. I made a mental note to be more animated in the future to avoid sticky situations like this where I'd have to keep things from her.

"Oh, look." She said, looking behind her.

I glanced over her shoulder out the window and saw several people with cameras.

"Wow." I said, "It doesn't take long to catch up with us, does it..?"

Tiffany was smiling and waving at them. I backed away out of their view so I could watch her. She's always handled all of this publicity and fan service a lot better than I do.

"They're just fans." Tiffany says between her teeth. She took my hand in hers and pulled me into view again. From the angle I was sitting, my head was practically resting on her shoulder as I waved out to people, trying to make eye contact with every camera.

"It's cold out there...” I said, pouting.

"We should go before they get sick."

I glanced at her and smiled before I nodded. We signaled our security and made our way back to the van amidst the flashing of the cameras and the screaming. We rolled down the window to peak our heads out and to wave as we drove off.

"I love them." Tiffany said.

"Me too." I said.

I stared intently at the red light we were stuck at as Tiffany leaned her head onto my shoulder. My muscles tensed at her touch.

"I'm getting sleepy now." Her voice was muffled against me.

I hesitated for a moment before putting an arm around her shoulder. I guess she took this as permission to wrap her arms around my waist. All I could do was sit there and think about how this wasn't something 'friends' would just do naturally... It felt like more, and I knew she had to feel it too. I needed her to feel it. I closed my eyes and tilted my head towards her, smelling her shampoo.

This is just... too much...

For the first time in my life, it felt like I was truly cuddling up with a lover. Couldn't she feel the electric current that was running between us that was so evident to me? I couldn't take it anymore.

"Fany-ah.." I whispered.

When she lifted her head her nose brushed against my cheek. I immediately lost my nerve.

"Are you okay?" I asked without skipping a beat, even though it wasnt the question I really wanted to ask.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She smiled sleepily, reclaiming my shoulder with her head.

Coward.

I would have been content sitting there for hours but before I knew it we were running through the cold night air to get to the elevator. Once we got into the dorm I knew that between the 7 others, I'd no longer have her attention or the privacy I wanted with her.

"Thanks for coming out with me against your will." Tiffany said at the door, turning to me. Her eyes had practically disappeared in her smile. I could have died on my feet.

"Anytime." I smiled back.

"Remember, Tae, you can tell me anything." She said again, her face was serious.

I stared deliberately into her eyes and seriously considered for a moment telling her what had really been bothering me. 

The words themselves wouldn't be hard to say but the reaction could be terrible. She stared back at me just as intensely, and I got the strangest feeling that she knew what I was going through. I stood there with the words on the tip of my tongue for what seemed like hours until I heard someone on the other side of the door.

"I hear Taeny!"

Jessica's voice. I tried not to let my face fall. Rather, I rolled my eyes at the remark.

"Oh, great." Tiffany sighed, reluctantly turning for the door. "We're in for it...”

"You guys were spotted." Jessica grinned, flagging us to the living room. She had a laptop open on her lap.

"What? It's already up?" Tiffany asked, sitting on the arm of the couch beside her. Shocked, I sat beside Jessica on the couch. She already had the video open and loaded for us to see, of course.

"They're fast...” Tiffany said, sounding impressed.

It was us at the restaurant. The video was titled '[TaeNy] Romantic dinner for two'. I winced. 

It started out with just Tiffany's back through the window for at least a minute. She was talking to someone who I knew to be myself. The video had romantic music playing and I eventually stuck my head out and waved right when the song reached its . It didn't really seem like a big deal... 

But then, of course, they went back to replay it in slow motion. Zoomed in. My head close to Tiffany's shoulder. The small smile and glance we shared that was barely even evident when it was played in normal speed... rewound and replayed and reversed again and again. Then it cut to us walking out of the restaurant holding hands and getting into the van...

I was speechless... I just sat there willing myself not to blush.

"But... that was like, 20 minutes ago." Tiffany said in English.

"Look at the comments." Jessica said as she scrolled down. She always seemed to enjoy teasing me specifically about this, I was certain, because Tiffany didn't give her the reaction she wanted from it. 

"'They really seem to be in love! TaeNy is SO REAL!'" Sica quoted in English.

I knew enough English to know what that meant.

I said nothing until she looked at me. "You really do." She said, returning to Korean. "And I see you both every day."

Sica must have seen something off in my expression because her joking demeanor disappeared; she looked at me in a concerned way and asked me what was wrong. Defeated, I just got up from the couch and started heading towards my room. I was okay with watching things like this but doing it right in front of Tiffany with live commentary from Jessica was too embarrassing...

Someone took my wrist and stopped me.

"I'm sorry." Tiffany looked devastated. "I should have been more careful. I know you don't like people doing this."

I stared at her. This just simply wasn't true. I liked it, more than I should, but I couldn't say that out loud in front of everybody. She was trying to protect me, while I was trying to protect her at the same time. I was just so frustrated at this point I just wanted to tell her everything and deal with the consequences I hadn't even thought of yet.

"I'm not upset, just tired." I said dully, "Goodnight." I dismissed myself and went down the hall, feeling their eyes burning a hole in my back.

I opened my bedroom door and shut it quickly behind me, leaning against it and gripping my hair in my hands. 

How could such an amazing night get messed up so quickly?

"Yah, what's wrong?" Sunny asked.

Opening my eyes I glance at her, having completely forgotten she'd probably be here.

"Nothing." I muttered, immediately falling on top of my bed. 

Sunny can be quite persistent. She crawled on top of me and began beating my back with her fists in a playful manner.

"Taeyeonie! You better tell me!" She was using her aegyo.

"You really kill me sometimes, you know that?" I groaned, pushing myself up onto my hands and knees and unintentionally roll her out of the bed.

We both ended up in a fit of laughter at the loud thump she made when she hit the ground and the squeal she made as she fell. It felt good to laugh. That was the good thing about Sunny. She always knew how to make me do it even when I was extremely upset about something. I was lucky to have her as a roommate.

As our laughter subsided, I weighed my options. I could trust Sunny; I could at least get some advice from her couldn't I? What's the worst that could happen?

In the end, I decided if I was going to tell Sunny, tonight wasn't going to be the night. I was beyond exhausted now and even though I knew I'd probably feel a hundred times better if I talked to someone about it, I made up a lame excuse and dressed for bed.

But sleep didn't come as easily as I'd hoped. I tossed and turned thinking about Tiffany and the night we shared. How she felt in my arms and why I'm suddenly questioning my uality after twenty three years. My eyes were unfocused on the ceiling for what felt like hours as I slowly coaxed myself into admitting what I have been trying to deny for the last seven years. I was truly and deeply in love with her. My Fany.

It felt so wrong to think this so freely. I'm SNSD's Kim Taeyeon. Leader of Girls' Generation and here I was worrying about myself. Imagine what would happen if it went badly if I ever told her. What would happen to the band? It would be terrible if it went public. All the bad press we would suffer just for my selfishness.

Another part of my brain fought back. 

Even though I was a leader, did that mean my entire thoughts were no longer my own? Did I not have the freedom to feel, to love, to be?

Ultimately, I didn’t have a choice either way. My entire body and mind was being driven by the one percent of me that was stuck on the idea that Tiffany could tell me it was mutual.

She was all I could see, now… I would simply have to learn how to deal with it.