Getting out of bed that morning was especially difficult.  Tiffany had almost completely invaded my side of the bed, laying across me and holding my hand.  It was like escaping a maximum security prison. I daftly had to slide out from under her.  I got out of bed head first, using my hands on the ground to pull myself free ever so slowly.

If there was ever a day I didn’t want Tiffany waking up before me, it was today.

I left Tiffany sound asleep and headed immediately to Yuri and Yoona’s room, closing the door delicately behind me.  Yuri was the only one there and she pulled me into a hug immediately.

“Merry Christmas, Unnie.” She said happily.

“Merry Christmas, Yuri.” I said, hugging her back.  I pulled away and peered at the open suitcase on her bed.

“You leave soon?” I asked.

“I’m late, actually.” She laughed, zipping it up. “The cab should be here.”

“Well… stay safe okay?  Eat well.  Have a wonderful holiday.”  I knelt down and picked up a stack of wrapped boxes I hid away in the corner of Yoona’s closet under her clothes.

“You too.” She smiled.

I followed Yuri back out into the hall and headed for the tree, trying not to drop anything and making as little noise as possible.  I passed Jessica, who was in still the kitchen, without a word and knelt beside the tree, arranging the gifts neatly on one side and plugging the lights in. 

I stood up frowning at them thinking I should have done more for her. 

The tree looks beautiful though.  I slid one of the strands of lights up to hang more evenly and assessed it.  It was kind of small, but we didn’t need something big. It was just for the two of us, anyway. Tiffany said it was short and shaped perfectly.  She called it a Taeyeon tree.

I smiled to myself and crossed the room to the blinds, opening them up and letting the sun spill across the room to highlight the tree.  There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky today and the sun felt great on my skin.

I felt something soft on my head before it fell to cover my eyes.  I turned around to hear giggling and knew exactly whose voice that was.  I lifted the hat up so I could peer at her from under it with one eye.  She laughed harder.

“Yah, if this is your hat then you have an enormous head.” I said seriously.

“That’s not nice to say.” Jessica said, peeling a tag free and sticking it to the front of my hat.  “Stand still.”

She pulled out a thick black marker and began writing on it.  I stared at her concentrated face as she worked, unsure what she was doing. 

“There.” She said, putting the pen back on the cap and walking back to the kitchen.  I followed her.  When she turned around she stuck a bow to my head, causing the hat to fall down around my eyes again. 

“You’re too cute.” She said, lifting it back up.  I stared at her warily.

“So all the ingredients are right here I just took them out for you.  This is all you’ll need.  Here are the directions.” She put her palm flat on a piece of paper beside them. I skimmed them quickly.

“This doesn’t seem very difficult.” I said.

“An American breakfast is pretty simple.” She said softly, pulling a few more things out of the fridge for me. “Just make sure you don’t burn anything and you should be fine.  I need to go pick up Krystal and then we’re off to Mom’s.” She said, pulling me into a hug.

I hugged her back and thanked her.  She kissed my cheek, adjusting my hat one more time before picking up her bags.  I opened the door for her. 

“You girls be safe.” I said, “Merry Christmas.”

She smiled. “Merry Christmas, Sister. “

I closed the after her and touched my new hat, feeling the familiar puffy ball at the end of it. 

SanTaeng.

Smirking, I walked from room to empty room, peering in, hardly daring to believe that everybody was really gone. 

When I got to Hyoyeon, Seohyun and Sooyoung’s room I entered to look into their mirror.  The tag on the front of my Santa hat read, ‘To: Tiffany Love: Taeyeon.’

Jessica went through all the details to add little hearts and adorn it with a bow, something I’m not sure I would have thought of by myself.  I scowled at my inadequacies as I returned to the kitchen and started cracking eggs into a bowl. 

I followed Jessica’s directions very carefully, heating up the oil for the bacon and mixing the batter for pancakes.  It seemed too easy until I had three burners going at the same time and the bacon oil was spitting out at me. 

“Aish!” I yelped, trying to reach in to turn the heat down only to get burned again. 

I was starting to break a sweat.  The first batch of pancakes burned while I was plating the scrambled eggs so I had to mix up some more batter.  I was glad Jessica brought extra base ingredients for me.

The finished product didn’t look very pretty to me.  The bacon in particular looked overcooked but at least the eggs were perfect.  I finished heating up the syrup and carried everything together on a wooden tray. 

I tiptoed quietly in front of our bed to the desk and placed it there. I turned to her to see her reaching to my side of the bed empty handed. 

Reaching for me.  I didn’t like it. I should have been there, but I didn’t want to wake her up either.

Her food is going to get cold, you fool.  Do you want to cook again?

Decided, I went to the window and pulled aside the curtains before crawling back into bed beside her.  She immediately pulled me into her. 

“Fany-ah...” I whispered, touching her face and smoothing her wild hair out. 

“Jagiyah…” She muttered senselessly. I grinned ear to ear.

“Merry Christmas, Darling.” I simpered, kissing her head and shaking her hand a little. 

“Merry Christmas.” She sighed, rolling over. 

I bet she would have slept all day if I’d have let her.  Christmas… really isn’t one of Tiffany’s best holidays.  She usually likes to be surrounded with people and distracted on Christmas.  I know she always thinks about her mother this time of the year, so it was a big task for me to serve as a large enough distraction.

“Wake up.” I said, shaking her shoulders.

Murmuring unintelligibly, she sat up rubbing her eyes.  I watched her closely as her eyes fell on the desk in front of us, and her breakfast sitting there.  She looked over at me and covered in with her hand.  I saw her eyes automatically read the tag on my head; she looked beyond words.

“Hungry?” I smiled, getting up.

“Tae…”

…

“That smells really good…”

“I really hope I didn’t screw it up.” I muttered.  When I turned around the hat fell over my eyes again.  I heard her laugh as I flailed my head around to free my vision.  Eventually, with one eye free again, I was able to lay the tray across her lap.  I felt her fix my hat.

“Omo…” She breathed, taking it all in.  I looked it over carefully.

“Orange juice!” I clapped.

Tiffany started to get up.

“No, no. I got it, you eat.” I pointed.

She smiled even wider.  I returned with a glass and the carton and sat beside her. 

“What’s gotten into you?” She asked.

“What? I can’t do something nice for you?” I asked, pouring her a glass.

“Is this my Christmas present?”

“No.” I frowned, propping pillows behind her.

Not really…

The point was we had the house to ourselves and we had time off.  I’d always want to be doing things like this for her, if we had all this time.

“Is it good?” I asked, watching her eat.

She nodded happily. “I can’t believe you made me an American meal.”

“I thought you’d like it…”

“Why aren’t you eating?” She asked.

“I’ll eat after you.” I smiled.

She pouted and cut into her pancakes, holding a bite out to me.

I chewed. “Mm.”

She offered me some eggs next. 

Before I knew it we’d shared a fork through the entire plate.  I insisted on doing the dishes and kept an eye on her as I washed. She passed by sneakily carrying a pile of packages of her own.  It looked larger than my stack.  I frowned to myself and carried the pot of remaining eggs into the living room with me. 

I sat down in front of the tree where Tiffany was on her knees.  She was watching my every move.

“How do you want to do this?” She asked me. 

I shrugged.

“There’s a few to both of us.  Let’s open those first?”

I nodded, scooping more eggs into my mouth and setting the pot aside to scoot closer to her.

“This one’s from Jessi.” She said smiling, holding a flat red box up.

“Open it.”

She tore away at the paper to reveal memory cards, ones that would work perfectly with my new video camera.  I looked oddly at it.

“Why would she make this out to both of us?” I asked, a little perplexed, happy, nonetheless. My card was almost full and I didn’t really want to fill up Jessica’s laptop with my pictures and movies.

“Strange.” Tiffany agreed.

We exchanged gifts with the other girls last night, so it was weird to have a lingering gift from Jessica sitting there.

“This one’s from Santa.  Did you do this?” She asked me.

“No, but there’s a card.” I pointed.

She read it and fell open.

“It’s from Yongjun.” She said.

“What!?”

She handed me the card.

To: Taeny

Will install this next week for you.  You’re the only ones that will be able to use it.

Merry Christmas – Yongjun

I looked up at Tiffany.

“Do you think it’s a bomb?” I laughed.

She laughed too. “It’s weird he addressed it to Taeny.  I don’t know what to think about this.”

“Eh, I’ll take a bomb for you.” I said, smirking and taking the package from her.  It was heavy. All it took was one rip and the contents fell out.

...

“He got us a deadbolt.” Tiffany said in disbelief.

I looked at it closer.  It was common knowledge that Yongjun had access to our dorms, to our doors to every single thing that has a lock in our living space.  This was more than just an act of kindness; he was giving us privacy.  It was a peace offering.

“Wow.” I said, looking up at her. Ironic, I thought.  He would be by this week to install a lock for us.  Does that make him a locksmith?

“That’s really something…” Tiffany smiled.

I nodded.  I wished now that I would have done something for him for Christmas.

“Here.” She said handing me another present.  “This one’s from me.”

I took it, smiling at her.  Glancing down at it I wasn’t surprised to see that she managed to find pink wrapping paper.  I tore it slowly and stared down at its contents.

“You got me a diary?” I grinned. 

“You get lost in thought a lot, I noticed.  It’s a really secure lock too you can’t get into it if you don’t have the key, I made sure of it.” She said, biting her lip.

“I love it.” I said softly.  “I can really use this.” I smiled and held it up to her.

I set it aside and sighed, crawling up to pick one out of my pile for her.  I was unsure of what to give to her first.  What do you buy for the girl that has everything?  I pulled out the thinnest box and handed it to her, frowning about how generic I thought it was.

I watched her hands as she worked through it, revealing a purple velvet box.  She opened it.

“Taeyeon… how much money did you spend on me?” She asked after opening the box.

“I’m not telling you that.” I said evenly, moving behind her to put on her new diamond necklace for her. 

“It’s so beautiful… but…” She said, looking mildly panicked, “I didn’t get you anything like this.” She said. 

I felt guilty. 

“The worth of an object doesn’t project its meaning.” I said. “Diamonds last forever.  That’s how long I want you.”

She kissed my cheek after I fastened the clasp.

“You’re being so romantic today, Tae.” She said coyly.

I puffed my cheeks out a little.  Romantic?  There’s something I’ve never been called before.

“You should have told me what you wanted.” I said.

“No, I love it!” She clapped before grabbing another gift and handing it to me.  She leaned her head on my shoulder to watch me open it.  It was heavy, and large.

After tearing away the paper there was only an unmarked cardboard box.  I looked at her strangely. She smiled and handed me a knife.

After I broke the tape and opened the top, I couldn’t talk.

“Now you don’t have to borrow Jessi’s anymore.” She said, smiling.

I looked up at her in disbelief and back down at my new laptop.  She totally outdid me and I knew it.  I put an arm around her and kissed her on the forehead.

“I’ll teach you how to use it.” She smiled.

“Thank you….” I shook my head. “It’s too much.”

“Too much? I bet this necklace was more expensive than that laptop. Besides, that’s the main thing I got you.” She said in a small voice. She was still admiring her shiny new necklace.

“Thank you.” I smiled.

I looked under the tree to my last two feeble gifts sitting there, one of which I knew she couldn’t really get to until later... She had one gift bag sitting there for me with pink tissue paper erupting from the top.  I leaned up and grabbed both of my gifts for her and handed her the envelope shaped one.

“I want you to open that one later.” I said.

I wrote her a ten page letter and felt horrible for it; it felt like such a copout to hand her that on Christmas day.  I didn’t want to get her a whole bunch of meaningless stuff, I wanted everything I gave to her to have meaning from my heart.  Shopping for a lover was infinitely more difficult than shopping for a friend…

“You can open this one now.” I said, handing her a rectangular present. 

I watched anxiously as she peeled away the paper.  It was completely black and the cover had a single silver heart embedded in it.

“Oh, Tae…” She gasped.

Inside the photo album, I found every single old picture I had of her and me together before and after our debut.  It was like a timeline of our lives together since we met.

“Chubby cheeks.” She pointed at me on the first page.

“You, too.” I pointed, laughing.

“Look.” I said, moving through some pages and pointing at a particular picture.

It was a self picture we took together the first night we kissed; the night we started dating. We were on the same pillow; I was holding the camera and smiling into it while she was looking at my face. 

“This is amazing.”

I smiled. “There’s a lot of space at the end for you to add more to it as we go along.”

I let my eyes fall to the last bag she had for me under the tree but I felt her hand grip the back of my neck and she pulled me into a kiss. I listened to the soft music playing from her stereo and let her lips caress mine.  A thought occurred to me; in this empty dorm where I knew nobody was going to walk in on us, where does a kiss begin and where does it end?  It was three months into the relationship now and I still get nervous knowing I’m completely alone with her.   

I opened my eyes to see her content face lost in the kiss.  My eyes darted over to the last bag sitting under the tree.  A reason to break the kiss.

I pulled away gently.

“Fany-ah, are we done?” I asked.

She her lips and laughed under her breath, “You taste like syrup.”

I turned a little red.  She eventually looked back to the tree and bit her lip. 

“I’ll let you open that one later.” She decided. 

She started rolling together all the used wrapping paper and I took it from her. 

“I’ll clean up.” I said, standing up quickly.

“I’m going to plug in your laptop okay?  It needs to charge.” She said.

I nodded and put the large ball of assorted wrapping paper into the garbage.  I leaned against the counter in the kitchen and watched her in the living room.  She looked happy but I felt like I could have done so much more for her. 

“Taeyeon-ah!” She called over shoulder.  I smiled.

“Yep?” I said.

“This is the best Christmas I ever-” I stared at her back, her head fell a little.  My heart did, too. “Remember having…” She finished quietly.

It felt as though somebody had just er punched me in the stomach, hard.  I leaned over the counter to hide my face in case she happened to turn around and look at me. I could have bought her the entire sky along with every cloud and star that resided in it and it still wouldn’t be enough to completely take her mind off of her mother for Christmas.  I wished so badly I could do something for her, anything.

 “Tae, are you okay?”

I stood up straight and looked at her.

“Stomach ache.” I said stupidly.

She was holding the last gift she had for me.

“I’m not sure if I should give you this anymore…” She frowned.

“Fany… whatever it is I’m sure I’ll love it.” I said, touching her hand.

“I didn’t know you were going to be so sweet today.”

“Is it a gag gift?” I smirked.  “That’s okay too.”

“Not exactly.” She held the bag out to me.

I sifted through the tissue paper and pulled out a mass of black fabric seeming to have no shape.  A small piece of it fell to the floor; she picked it up for me. 

When she was holding it, I could actually see the shape.  Black, lacy underwear.  I stopped breathing and fumbled a bit further with the part I was holding eventually grabbing it by its thin straps and I let it hang in front of me. 

It just barely fell below the top of my thighs…

The black ensemble tied in the back and appeared to end just above the navel in the front, draping out on the sides.  It was simple but absurd, and completely sheer. I could see my hands perfectly clear through the transparent fabric.  I was absolutely shocked.  It felt like I’d been standing there for centuries, for so long that roots were growing through the floor and wrapping around my feet, binding me there. 

She didn’t say anything, but I knew she was watching me.

“…Should I put this on now…?” I asked quietly, looking up at her slowly.

She smiled softly at me and stepped forward, putting her hand under my chin and closing my gaping mouth for me.

“Wouldn’t that be like buying a gift for myself?” She asked lightly.  She took the lingerie out of my hand by its straps and folded it gently unto itself. “No, Tae.  It’s for me to wear; for your eyes only.”

I felt my mouth open again.  She smiled wider and closed it for me once more.  If my eyes opened any wider I was convinced they’d roll out of my skull. 

She pecked me on the lips.

“No rush.” She whispered, before walking off to our room.

When she was out of sight, I made a tight fist and brought it to my mouth, biting down on my knuckles hard. 

Calm down…

I paced frantically.

It’s normal right?  It’s been three months…

It’s a totally appropriate gift for someone to get their girlfriend for Christmas.  There’s nothing wrong with it.

Three months… of .

I stopped moving when I tasted blood in my mouth. 

I examined the miniscule teeth marks and tiny dot of red where my teeth had broken the skin.

What the hell happened to me…?

Losing control wasn’t like me… but all I could think about was how Tiffany’s body would look in that practically see through…

She’s yours.

I’ve never done this before…

…Neither has she…

Take her…

I didn’t care that it wasn’t even 1:00pm in the afternoon yet, that it was broad daylight out.  That people in other dorms would be awake.  I turned around and double checked the lock on the front door and ran to my room, past Tiffany who looked around at my sudden appearance, to close the blinds.

“What’s wrong?” She said, alarmed.

I turned to her and rocked my weight back and forth between my feet anxiously staring at her intently.  

“Put it on.” I said, raising my eyebrows as if it was a dare.

..

She blinked at me.  “Really?”

“Really.” I said. 

“You’re sure?” She gaped, taking a step towards me.

“Does it look like I’m joking?” I asked.

…

“Can I fix my hair, too?” She asked.

“I don’t see why, it’s just going to get messed up again.” I said. I wanted to tell her no.  I didn’t wait to wait, but I resisted.  My fists were clenched so hard. 

She exhaled loudly through her nose and grabbed the outfit off the desk running to the bathroom.  I let my guard down out of her vision again, leaning against the wall and feeling my knees shake.  I pulled hard for air but it didn’t seem enough to satisfy my ravenous heart.

What am I supposed to do now while I wait?  What am I supposed to be wearing? 

Am I supposed to just stand here and wait?  Should I be on the bed?  Most importantly, what the hell do I do with my hands?

My eyes fell upon my camera set up on the tripod sitting in front of the bed. I cocked my head looking at it. It was pointed directly at the bed.  Was she going to film a movie for me?

I opened up the mini screen and started searching through the videos we’d filmed.  First the one where I came home from my meeting, a few pictures we’d taken, some video in Singapore… Then I saw Sunny and Jessica sitting on my bed.  Confused, I played the video.

“Really?” Jessica said, staring into the camera severely. Sunny was outwardly laughing beside her.

“Don’t you think you should put your toys away when you’re done playing with them?” She continued, glancing over to Sunny and smiling.

Sunny had recovered.

“You have to be careful filming this stuff.” Sunny said, looking severe now.  “This is how people get caught.”

Jessica nodded. “You need to make sure you get it off your camera in case you lose it.”

I was completely confused.

“Really, I expected this sort of thing from Tiffany but I didn’t think Taeyeon would allow it.” Jessica said looking at Sunny.

“The kid is full of surprises.” Sunny said, smiling.

Jessica bit her lip, staring into space.

“Wanna see what they recorded?” She asked Sunny.

Sunny’s eyes went huge, “Not really.” She said getting off the bed.

Jessica watched her leave.  Biting her tongue, she gazed back into the camera blankly.

“Just a peek.” She said, smiling before getting off the bed.

The video ended.

What the…

The door beside me opened.

My heart failed. 

She stood in the doorway smiling at me awkwardly.  Her lip was twitching and my eyes roamed over her body.   As intricately woven and beautiful this fabric was designed, it left nothing to the imagination.  An angel in the flesh was standing before me, approaching me slowly, and I was suddenly an awkward twelve year old boy.

“Where’d all that confidence go?” She asked, grinning.

I shook my head; every word that passed through my conscious got caught in the back of my throat, keeping me from breathing.

“We don’t have to-“ She said.

I shook my head more vigorously. 

“I’ve never… ah... this is...” I sputtered painfully.

“I’ve never... either...” She said, staring down at me.  Her body was inches from mine, I could feel myself absorbing the heat she was radiating.  She took my hand and walked backwards towards the bed, pulling me along with her.  I could feel her pulse thrumming quickly through her fingers, or maybe it was my own.   I felt like I was floating, I couldn’t feel my legs moving.

“We’ll figure it out together.”

I never knew a certain spot on the wall could be so interesting.  I didn’t see it as a wall any longer. It was a vast open field under a luminous pink and yellow sky.  The long grass was blowing feebly in the wind next to a stream that was fading in and out into different colors.  From green, to pink, to cyan…

Tiffany made me see colors I didn’t even have a name for. 

My own private paradise was a place where I became aware of muscles I didn’t even know I had.  I learned where every single nerve ending in my body was.  In this place, I could feel every single vein that ran through me reaching a new level of acceleration, from my fingertips to my elbows and knees, even my toes that I couldn’t seem to unclench.  With every devastating heart beat I could feel my entire body shudder at the same time. 

It was beyond body.  It was my soul.

All the useless worry I had carried with me before vanished; how was I to know it was all instinctual?  In my new world, there was no worry.  There was no schedule and only one obligation, to its one other inhabitant. 

In my world, there were no words… communication was unintelligible and consisted mostly of unified physical actions.  It was like having a sudden knowledge of a new language you’ve never heard before.  Tiffany’s dialogue sang a devastating love song to me, moving me almost to tears…

I wondered if this was what being on drugs was like.  I blinked slowly a few times and let go of the bed sheets I didn’t even realize I was clutching to.

My eyes felt heavy though I wasn’t tired.  I was coming back to reality again, first evident with my notice of how heavily I was breathing.  I glanced to the blinds and the entire lighting of the room had changed.  

The clock beside me read 4:39pm; I stared at it in disbelief.

I felt her shift underneath the covers and begin to crawl to the surface.  Her head emerged first and I felt her body come to rest on top of me. She pushed her hair out of her face and I watched as most of it stuck to her sweaty forehead.  It was pointing in every direction. 

She was wearing exactly the same expression that I was feeling.  She looked punch-drunk with lazy slightly exhausted eyes.  When we made eye contact I felt so frustrated.  I never felt so bonded to somebody before in my life.  I always thought I’d be so awkward after my first time but if anything it made me more comfortable with Tiffany than ever.  There was so much I wanted to tell her, so much I needed her to know about exactly how I felt in this moment, but ‘I love you’ wasn’t enough. 

I wanted to cry.

She didn’t seem to have words either.  She kissed me deeply and her head came to rest on my collar bone.  I tasted something unfamiliar on her lips and for some reason it made me feel so beautiful.

There were no words to share after what just happened… Everything we needed to say we said without speaking. 

I glanced back to my little spot of wall again and I couldn’t see my little world anymore, but I knew that anytime I wanted to go there Tiffany could take me.

My phone started vibrating on the end table. I looked over just in time to see it fall to the floor.  I moved to hang my arm off the edge of the bed and Tiffany moaned her disapproval.

“I have to answer, it’s still Christmas.” I whimpered and she moved enough to grant me access to reach it. 

“Annyeong.” I said deadly, putting the phone to my ear.  I rolled onto my side and stared into Tiffany’s resting face.

“… Umma.” I said softly.  Tiffany’s eyes came open.  The pain in my heart was somewhat softened due to my impaired senses.

“No, I’m fine.” I said sitting up. “I just… took a nap.”

That jolt to my heart was a bit more painful.

Lying bold faced to my Mother.

“Our plane was delayed…”

My brain was only allowing me to hear bits and pieces of what she was saying to me, as if to protect myself.

“.. Came to surprise you…”

 It was like the bed had just dropped out from under me.

“You’re in town?” I winced.

Tiffany sat up too, now, the covers falling off of her shoulders revealing her body to me again.  I had to look away.

“Oppa?  Hayeon?  You’re all here?” My voice cracked.

Hayeon? Not her too…

I clutched my chest, the pain was unbearable now.  I wasn’t ready for this.

“Omo.  Yes, alright, we’ll be there.  What gate?” I asked bringing my hand to my forehead.

“Twenty minutes.” I said, hanging up.

I could feel her eyes burning a hole in the side of my face, but I couldn’t look at her.

“We have to go to the airport.”