Have you ever lost yourself in a moment?

For me, that moment is every single time we’re just about to go on stage. When we join hands in a small circle and try to get a prayer out.

I just couldn’t concentrate tonight, though.  Just ten feet above our heads was a packed arena listening to our blaring introduction music.  I could hear the pandemonium they’re causing just from our faces flashing on the screen. 

I looked at the others and saw a few like Sooyoung and Seohyun who managed to have their eyes closed.  Most looked anxious like me.  Jessica’s stare was deadpan, straight ahead; stone cold without a single flicker of emotion. 

I felt my hand get squeezed and I looked to see Taeyeon’s face flare with a frenzied excitement.  She stuck her tongue out at me as a stagehand adjusted her mic.

“Déjà vu.” I grinned.

“I wish we could do this every night.” She said, seeming absolutely content.  She looked up to the stage as she led me up the stairs on the elevator. 

In mere moments, we’d be elevated into a hollow box in the middle of the stage.  The music was reaching its and I could feel Taeyeon rubbing my back as the others settled into their places.  I was so happy I was positioned near her.

“You’re going to do great, you always do.” She whispered into my ear.

It may be strange that after four years I still get nervous before a concert but it doesn’t surprise me that Tae was the one to notice it. 

It works the same way every time.  As we rose into the box and the lights were spurred on by the thrashing drums, the box began to open. 

Game faces.

Perfect posture.

“…I love you.” She whispered.

I felt every tense muscle in my body relax.  A calm came over me instantly.  I’ll never be able to put into words what she does to me…  I knew I’d be okay because she was there.

And then I could see it.

Every time I see that never ending pink ocean waving at me, it stuns me.  It reminds me how far we’ve come and I’m so glad that that I don’t have to sing right away because I know I have to work hard to get oxygen flowing back into my lungs. 

“That wasn’t too much, was it?” Tae asked as she was hanging up some clothes in her closet.

I raised my eyebrow and turned the laptop around so she could see the picture that was making its way around the internet.  She was on her knees in front of me, holding a mic up to my mouth, except someone photoshopped the microphone to be a ring box.  She laughed.

“That’s well done, that is.” She pointed. “And completely harmless.”

I scrolled down through more fan photos.  She always seemed close to me or looking at me.  The whole show had a different feel to it this time.  Instead of just doing a show, it actually felt like I was doing a show with my girlfriend, who could actually acknowledge me and hold my hand for no good reason.  We were attached at the hip in Singapore and Yongjun didn’t say a single thing to us about it.  He couldn’t. 

Satisfied, I closed the laptop and set it aside, eyeing her back as she did her thing.  I knew I should be studying, but after the flight and the concerts I found myself pretty exhausted.  I yawned openly, tilting my head back when I felt her land on top of me.  I looked down to see her fitting her ring back on and I grabbed my own off the night stand.

“Help me study.” I whimpered.

“Fame?” She asked, pushing herself up on my elbows.

“I’m really nervous.” I said, grabbing the script.

“Carmen, Carmen…” She said dramatically, holding up a hand in the air, “Honey, you will do fantastic.”

I had to smile at her English. She seemed to be trying extra hard to learn it, lately.

“I’m serious.” I lamented, “It’s only a few days away.”

I thumbed through the script gently before she grabbed it away.

“You already know most of this though, don’t you?”

“I know it all.” I frowned. “I just need a refresher.”

She nodded, landing on a page and pointed a line out to me.  I smirked.

“You know what the problem with this school is, it’s too damn confining… like a prison...” I said, getting to my feet and folding my arms.

She stood, too.

“So, I guess that means somebody had another run-in with Myers.” She said, folding the script over so she could hold it easier.

“First I’m not being honest, and now I’m indicating.  Now he’s got me stuck doing sense memory.  When do I get to do some real acting?” I said.

“Maybe you have to learn to be real before you can learn to act.” Tae said, her eyes widening.  I reacted appropriately, looking angry.

“You know, Schlomo, sometimes you sound like one of them.” I glared at her.  She looked like she was trying not to laugh.

“Wait, this person’s named ‘Schlomo’?” She covered her face. 

“… Do you even know anything about Fame?” I asked incredulously.  She shook her head.

“Alright, sorry. Ehhh.  Okay… One of them? Carmen, teachers aren’t some sort of alien race.  Maybe Myers could help you.” She regained her composure.

“Help me with what?  You think I got some kinda problem?” I said threateningly.

“No… I mean, yeah. I mean… well, maybe you do.  It’s like all this stuff about being famous all the time.  Maybe you should take a break from that?”  She bit her lip.

“Look, Mr. Metzenbaum, Mr. Son of the Famous Violin Virtuoso, some people get handed life on a silver tray.  The rest of us have to reach out and grab it.”  I turned to leave.

“Carmen, wait.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to make you angry, I just wish… I wish you didn’t feel like you have to fight all the time.” Tae said, over dramatically.  I rolled my eyes. 

“I’m a survivor.  That’s who I am.  Take it or leave it.” I looked down.

“Okay.  Alright.  I’ll take it, I’ll take it.  Eesh.” She said.

“Wait a minute.  What did you say?” I turned.

“I said I’d take it. Carmen, don’t you know-“

Taeyeon froze, her face falling slightly.  She seemed to be reading the script more intently. 

“Don’t you know I’m…. crazy about you?  Good times or bad we are a team.” She finished slowly and far less enthusiastically.  I waited for my cue. 

Unsurely, she stepped forward and took my hand, swallowing hard.  “Hey, I finished that new song we were working on.  It turned out pretty good.”

“Of course it did.”  I said, touching Tae’s face and looking into her eyes.  She looked like she was watching a horror movie.  It brought me up short. 

“W-With my words and your music, how could we lose?” I moved in slowly to kiss her.  I heard the script hit the floor and she just barely kissed me back.  I pulled my head back to find her eyes were still wide open.  She wasn’t breathing.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

She nodded awkwardly and sat on the end of the bed.  I stared at her.

“I don’t think you need practice.” She said. Looking like she decided something, her face came back to life.  She half smiled up at me. “You did great.”

I sat beside her slowly and put my hand on top of hers. 

“Tae-“

“It’s just acting!” She said quickly, nodding.  I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or herself.  She looked at me as if she just noticed I was there. “You did really well!”

I understood, then, what was bothering her.

“Tae… It doesn’t mean anything.  It’s in the script.   It’s like... nothing.  Just… I would never kiss anyone like I kiss you, ever…” I frowned.

“I know.” She smiled, having completely regained her expression.  “It’s fine.” 

I could tell it wasn’t.

“We should sleep.” She said without looking at me.

I looked at her completely dumbfounded, somehow in the last minute things had gone from being awesome to being awkward… I tried to catch her eye but she wouldn’t look at me.  She looked troubled and changed hastily before crawling into bed.

After she stopped moving, I turned off the light and got into bed beside her.  She wasn’t facing me.

“Taeyeon-ah.” I whispered sadly, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her closer. 

She didn’t answer but she didn’t pull away either.

“I love you so much.” I whispered.

“I love you, too.” She said, evenly.

…

“Look at me.” I pleaded.

She turned slowly until I could just barely see her expressionless face in the dark.  I pulled her closer and began kissing her softly.  Pecking her repeatedly; soft sweet exchanges that weren’t returned at first, and then I felt her hands grip my T-shirt tightly.  She pulled me closer, into one long passionate kiss.  Her teeth bit down on my lower lip hard as she rolled on top of me.  I opened my eyes to find her staring at me. 

I knew what she was doing…

She wanted to give me a kiss to remember while I was on that stage with ‘Schlomo’ in a few days.  I actually found her jealously endearing.  If it were me watching her kiss somebody else, I knew I wouldn’t like it either.  This was somewhat primal of her… like she was marking her territory.  As if she was trying to leave her scent on me to scare off the next predator to come by. 

Up until this point, she’d never treated me so roughly; with so much passion and aggressiveness.

I… liked it.

I let my eyes roll shut to give her the satisfaction she was looking for.  She tangled her hands in my hair and kissed me deeper.  I could feel myself melting against the bed as I let her direct every act of her wordless monologue.  I reacted to everything she threw at me.  Gasping loudly when I felt her body grind against mine and getting a slight voyeuristic thrill when I heard the bed creak loudly in the silent dorm.  I knew somebody must have heard that. 

She was relentless, but if this was what she was feeling I had to let her express it. 

All I could do was enjoy the ride… and I did.

She eventually buried her face in my neck and slid off me to come to rest beside me, with her arms and legs wrapped around me. 

I beamed, too lazy to open my eyes while I tried catching my breath.  I could feel her body rise and fall quickly as well.  The night air coming in through our window made me notice that she had actually worked me into a sweat.  I felt the air cool me…

..

“Will you still come to my opening night?” I asked softly, rubbing her back.

“Do I have to?” I muttered miserably. 

I already knew I did.

Sunny was pulling me along down the stairs towards our seats.

“You promised her.” She said simply.  “So, yes, you have to…”

She pulled me in front of her and started pushing me down the aisle. “Here, these two.” She sat down. 

I looked up at the stage warily before sitting next to her.  I sighed and sunk into the chair. 

“She’ll be happy to see you here.”  Sunny said, patting my arm. 

I pouted when the lights started to dim.

“Do you know what happens in this play?” I whispered.

Sunny looked at me sympathetically.

“It’s just acting.” She breathed.

“I know… I just didn’t know...  I just needed time to prepare.”

“Shhh.. This is really good for Tiffany.” She whispered.

“I know, and I’m so proud of her… but…”

The music started. 

Once I could see her, my attitude about the entire ordeal changed.  It was fascinating watching her perform.  It made me overwhelmingly happy to see her enjoying herself so much.  I was very impressed with how much talent she was displaying as well.  She was eye catching and managed to get all the attention on herself when she was in a scene.

I was close enough to see the whites of her eyes and she made eye contact with me very often.  I always had a smile ready for her when she did.

My stomach dropped a little when I started recognizing the dialogue.   I dropped my head onto Sunny’s shoulder and felt her take my hand. 

I cringed a little, whimpering slightly when he took Tiffany's hands.

“… with my words and your music, how could we lose?”

The audience reacted audibly when she kissed him.

I sat up straight, blinking.  I actually moved to stand up, but Sunny wouldn’t allow it. I wanted to laugh; it looked like something a couple of five year olds would do.  A peck, if you will; Closed mouth.  Absolutely nothing compared to what I gave her last night. In fact, it was so tame that I had to wonder if she toned it down for me.

I glanced over at Sunny who seemed unimpressed, too.  In fact, she seemed extremely amused by the look on my face and had to double over to keep her laugh silent.

It was amazing knowing I could enjoy the rest of the show and cheer for Tiffany at all the right times without having to dread something horrible I didn’t want to see. 

It’s exactly what I did.  As they were taking their final bows, I was the loudest in the crowd, I made sure of it.  I felt like a proud baseball mother.  She knew it, too, I could see it in her smile.  She looked relieved to see I didn’t look upset about kiss and I felt like a fool for making such a big deal out of it in the first place. 

Backstage was packed. In front of all those people, I couldn’t really tell her how proud I was of her as I would have liked to. 

“How’d it go?” Sooyoung asked as Sunny and I entered the dorm.

I just set my keys on the counter and leaned against it grinning, trying to find the right words.

“Taeyeon’s in fan girl mode.” Sunny said, sampling some of what Sooyoung was cooking before going to her room.

Sooyoung patted me and reached over my head to get the salt.

“She was incredible.” I said.

“So sweet.” Sooyoung said, turning down the heat on the burner. “Where is she?”

I sat down at the table, adjusting my ring.

“They had to stay and take pictures.  She’ll be home soon.”

Sooyoung sat beside me, watching me.  She smiled gently at me when I looked up at her.

“You’re not the same when she’s not here.  Did you know that?” She asked.

“How so?”

Her eyes sparkled.

“Look at you.  You don’t know what to do with yourself without her here.  You haven’t even taken your purse off your arm yet.  You’re just in limbo.”

I glanced to my shoulder and sure enough, my purse was still hanging there.  I didn’t even realize it.  I laughed through my nose and took it off.

“See? Look at you.” She said.  “You’re missing your other half.  I’m so jealous of you.”

“Jealous?”

“You don’t even understand.” She said, getting back up to the stove.

“But you can date now, too.” I said.

“You don’t get it.” She laughed.  “People go their whole lives meeting new people only to get their hearts broken.  To have something like you have with Fany doesn’t usually come that easily to people.”

I didn’t say anything, but I agreed with her on one part.  I didn’t understand.  I had no past experience to compare this with. 

I stared at her blankly and she brandished her spatula at me.

“Some people never meet the one they’re supposed to be with.  Have you ever thought about what might happen if you and Tiffany broke up?”

I found that even painful to think about.  Why would we ever break up?  That could simply never happen.  I just couldn’t imagine it.

“Yah, don’t cry.” Sooyoung said, poking me with her utensil, “I might be able to date but that doesn’t mean I can just go out there and meet the perfect person that easily.” 

“I’m very lucky.” I nodded, “But it hasn’t all been easy.”

“I know that.” Sooyoung said, placing a plate and chopsticks in front of me before going back for her own.  “But you have an insane advantage over a lot of people.  You two just… click.” She snapped her fingers and sat down.

“Yeah…” I said, playing with the food on my plate a little.

“So, are you going home for Christmas?” She asked me after swallowing.

“Nope.” I said.  That question in particular triggered something inside me I’d been suppressing.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to leave Fany here by herself for the holidays.”

“So cuuuute.” She smiled again.  “Why not take her home with you?”

I set my chopsticks down and stared at the table.

“Taeng…?”

“Sooyoung, put yourself into my position for a second.  What would your parents do if you brought home a girlfriend?”  I asked. 

..

“Oh…” She breathed.

This was my impassable path now.  I could fight against SM and an unfair contract, my family was a different story entirely.  Of course, I didn’t have to go barging into my house declaring my love for Tiffany all over the place.  My parents love Tiffany as if she was their daughter.  She even refers to them as her own parents, so hiding it in front of them would be ten times more painful than keeping it a secret from the media.  It was infinitely worse because I didn’t think I could ever tell them. 

It was almost like watching someone go through the stages of grief.  Sooyoung’s face became more pained the more she thought about it.  But the truth was, I was hoping to hear an actual answer, not get sympathy.  Sooyoung is usually a very good source of conversation and advice but this thought rendered her speechless.  Every possible solution led her to the same horrible ending; disappointment and possibly getting disowned. 

“I…” She said.

I heard the front door open and close and I was out of my chair.  Seconds later, her arms were around me, as if she was expecting me to be standing there waiting for her. 

We spun on the spot with my head on her shoulder.  Her arms had me in a vice-like grip. Since we hadn’t had the chance to touch each other since this morning, it was like we were making up for lost time.  When we made a half circle I could see Sooyoung watching us.  She looked like she was still contemplating my question. 

“You were so great.” I said, turning my head back in towards Tiffany. 

“You weren’t upset?” She asked pulling away to look down at me.

“Not at all.  I’m so proud of you.” I looked into her face and I could see she was tired.  “Let’s get some rest?”

“I’m starving.” She said, wandering into the kitchen.

“Here.” I took her arm and lead her to my seat. “Eat.”

“Oh this looks good.” She picked up the chopsticks.

“It’s very good.” Sooyoung smiled.  “Taengoo made me some, too.”

I looked at Sooyoung.

“You rushed home to make me dinner?” Tiffany asked me, looking both overjoyed and impressed.

“I...”

Sooyoung kicked my shin. 

“Yep.” I finished lamely, taking another chair next to Tiffany.  She kissed me on the cheek sweetly as thanks, and I looked up at Sooyoung.  She winked at me.

“You know I could actually hear you on the stage.” Tiffany chuckled.  “You specifically, I knew it was you too.  You and your ahjumma scream.”

I smiled.  Sooyoung nodded at me before taking her plate to the sink and going to her room.

“Look what I stole from the prop department.” Tiffany said, pulling a piece of mistletoe out of her picket and holding it up above us. 

I raised my eyebrows.

“You thief.” I pointed.  “That’s illegal mistletoe. I don’t know if I’m obligated to-“

She kissed me anyway.

I feigned indignity and took the mistletoe. 

“We should find somewhere to hang this up.”

“Above our bed.” She smiled, before taking another bite.

I watched her eat.

...

“You know, I think a lot of the girls are going home for Christmas.” I said thoughtfully.

She winked at me and stood up to clean her plate, I followed her.

“Not like that…” I grinned. “Okay, well, that too, but… we should get a tree and decorate, don’t you think?” I asked.

Her face went soft.

“Definitely.” She said. “It’s our first Christmas…really together.” She said happily, “And I need somewhere to put the presents.”

She started walking towards our room and I gaped at her.

“What presents?!  Fany!  You need to tell me what you want!”