i love oh sehun. honest to god, even though i feel like whipping his sassy occasionally, i love that goofball to bits. it’s just that sometimes, he says and does godforsaken things that shorten my lifespan (and possibly, lessen the number of my hair strands, too) – i can only take so much stress, you know?

          these past few weeks, particularly, i’ve been begging him to quit shipping me so openly with jongin, because for the love of god i’m liking it way too much and it’s not good for my mental health because i know for a fact that he wouldn’t ever like me back it’s embarrassing the out of me. it’s gotten so bad, that i had given up on apologizing to the gorgeous tan boy every single day, and i could no longer look him in the eyes.

          why, you say? why am i so sure that jongin doesn’t like me back? ok. let me describe myself: i’m a very awkward teenager with very low self-esteem and i don’t particularly give off an attractive sense of femininity, since i never flirt with boys or wear very girly clothes. sure, i grew my hair long, and some of my friends say i’m cute (but i think that’s just because i’m short as ). and though i have a fair skin color, it’s uneven in places. i’m also chubby, relatively pimply, and i have blackheads on my nose. i have dandruff, i have cellulites, stretch marks at the back of my legs and some other places, my eyesight , my lips are usually dry since i don’t use lip products (or any other miscellaneous facial or skin care products that girls my age usually fuss about). and so, if make-up and feminine clothes are the definition of a girl, then perhaps, i’m not one. i can make a sonnet out of my imperfections, basically.

          now, i don’t mean to be demeaning jongin, implying he’s superficial or whatever. but let’s be real here: what guy would have a crush on a girl who can’t do something so basic as taking care of herself?

          i’m not saying this to put myself down, engage in self-pity, all the while, inwardly hoping that this will all end in a song and dance number, after jongin ‘unexpectedly’ confesses his secret admiration for me. though i know that this isn’t the best i can be, i’m currently fine with the way i am (in a sense that i don’t want to change anything about myself if my mind is set that i would be doing it for him or anybody else other than myself).

          maybe i’m being pretentious for resisting the mary sue or the popular queenka image and deep inside, i’m really just an empty shell. maybe just maybe, everyone is trying to be someone they’re not during this phase. but i still think that it’s all swell. this is just high school, for pete’s sake. maybe just maybe, we’ll be able to forgive ourselves when we eventually find out who we really are. maybe, just maybe, jongin or someone else i’ll be having hots for in the future will like me back.

          and then like the devil, he sits beside me and interrupts my thoughts.

          “hey, um...” jongin starts, “i hope this doesn’t sound weird but i was wondering if i did anything wrong?” i could already feel sehun raising his cheering banner behind us and i’m currently resisting the urge to bury my face on my desk. i just know he's behind this. anyway, my silence prompts jongin to continue. “i know we’re not that close in the first place, but i feel like you’ve been avoiding me? sorry, if i’m wrong...”

          “no, you did nothing wrong.” i answer simply, as poker-faced as i could.

          “um, if you’re sure...” he awkwardly trails off, slowly nodding a few times.

          in a few, the class bell rings, signalling the long-awaited dismissal. jung soojung passes us by and jongin double-takes at first, before panicking to leave a hasty, yet still proper goodbye to me (smiling and waving, and all) and dashing off outside (only to stumble back inside as swiftly to grab his forgotten school bag). how i wish i looked that adorable, too, when i was chasing him.

           for now, i wouldn’t deny that it hurts to not be the one wanted, but at least moments like these make me want to look forward to the future...when the sadness is gone.

            “aaaw! motherfu-”

            ...and sehun’s sassy is whipped.

wc: 757 words