How to not fall in love with Seokjin, a guide by Kim Namjoon.

G | fluff and angst, pre slash, 2nd pov.

When you first start to notice that you really, really like Seokjin, deny it. Pretend that you don’t know what the others are talking about when they mention it, act dumb if you have to. Don’t react to Hoseok’s teasing or Jeongguk’s smirks.

When you start working on your debut song, don’t get used to Jin’s random phone calls to check up on you when you stay up too late. Don’t start to expect it.

Don’t pay too much attention to Jin; to his soft voice or awkward posture; to his excited and playful eyes or his crooked fingers. Don’t laugh at anything just because he is. Don’t get used to his infectious smiles or the way his voice gets high pitched and his body shakes when he laughs.

Don’t react when he calls you ‘Joonie’. He isn’t the only person to do that, so why does it affect you? Don’t watch him while he cooks. Don’t laugh with him about how bad you two at dancing. Don’t walk around Seoul and show each other your favourite places.

Don’t stay up with him talking, especially when you have a meeting with the manager the next morning (he won’t like it if you start snoring while he speaks). Don’t pay attention to his lips curving into a little smile as you ramble about something pointless. Don’t let it distract you to the point that you forget what you are talking about. Don’t watch his eyes slowly close as he falls asleep on the couch.

Don’t pay attention to how he puts his hand in front of his mouth sometimes when he is self-conscious, to the determined look on his face as he practises. Don’t let your gaze linger. Don’t let him catch you staring.

He is just your friend, your friend. Your friend.

Don’t lean against him when you are exhausted. Don’t notice how he looks more alive than ever when he is talking about anything he is passionate about.

Don’t think about him too much. Don’t let him distract you from working on the new song. Don’t wonder what he is doing, don’t call him too many times. Don’t be clingy.

Don’t get attached.

Keep ignoring the knowing looks from Yoongi, the face Taehyung makes when you two are together.

Act like you don’t know what’s happening, how deeply you are falling.

Remind yourself of what could happen if anyone aside from your friends knew, how easily your dream could shatter if the press heard about it.

You have seen what happens when an idol has a scandal, and if someone found out, this won’t be easy to get back from. Impossible, even. You are still rookies and you will be crushed.

All you ever wanted was to rap and to share your stories with others and to be heard, and you are so close.

Don’t ruin it now.

Concentrate, for ’s sake.

Keep your distance. Stay longer in the studio. Hang out with the others more. Ignore the confused looks when you come with excuses again and again to why you can’t hang out. Pretend not to see the hurt in his eyes. Swallow the guilt and self-loathing and tell yourself it is for the best.

Evade Yoongi’s questions and Jimin’s concerns.

Don’t think about how long it’s been since you two have talked beside pleasantries and quick conversations before you rush out of the room.

Don’t think about him at night when you are lonely and aching. Don’t think about him at all.

Don’t give in, not even when you miss him, especially when you miss him. Words choke you and you are afraid of saying anything, of spilling it all.

You are a goddamn coward, and you know it.

It is for the best. Repeat that for as long as it takes to convince yourself.

When you finally debut, put your heart into it. You are happy about finally performing, and how it keeps you busy from thinking.

But it is never enough to make it stop.

Talk with him again. Make up excuses about the past couple of weeks. He doesn’t believe you but he is happy that you two are talking again that he overlooks it.

You know you don’t deserve his forgiveness, but you are selfish. You’ve missed him more than you can say.

As the promotions come to a close, you are drained. You want nothing but to sleep for a couple of weeks. Jeongguk and Jimin are already fast asleep by the time you get out of the bathroom, Yoongi is listening to songs as he dozes off. Taehyung waves as he and Hoseok go out, with a strange sudden burst of energy that you envy.

You sit next to Jin, in that state where you are too tired to unwind and sleep. You talk about how much this feels like a dream; how long you have waited for this to happen.

“I’m glad we got to do this together, Joonie,” he says as he dozes off on your shoulder.

It is almost as if nothing has happened. You swallow a thousand apologies and things you want to say and slowly move so he wouldn’t wake up.

Get a blanket, tuck a stray hair behind his ear and pray that you never lose him.

When you and the boys plan a small surprise party for Jin, he looks so happy and excited that you can’t help but laugh.

When your schedule is done and all the cameras are off, you go back home and his friends show up. Don’t focus on how one of them is touching him for too long and he is letting him. It is none of your business, that you have no right to be angry.

Leave. Go outside. The wind is cold. Put your hands in your pockets and curse yourself and the path you have chosen.

When he comes to check on you, tell him that you are fine; that you just needed some fresh air. He knows you are lying but you can’t think of anything else to say.

Close your eyes. Breathe.

Turn around and give him your best practised smile, ready to say that you will be inside in a minute, but it all comes to a stop when you look at him.

“Are we okay?” Jin says softly.

You hear his shuddering breath, his nervousness.

Hesitate. How long are you willing to keep this up?

“Of course we are.”

Look at his eyes. Let him see everything.

See him smile a little as he comes closer, as if he knew all along. Maybe he did.

Lean in.

His lips are warm against your cold ones and soft, just like you imagined them. You wrap your arms around him and wish you can stay like this forever.

It is all wrong, a part of you screams at you, it is bound to go wrong somehow, somewhere along the way. You shut it up and deepen your kiss. You will worry about everything when it happens.

(You find out later that Jeongguk and Tae had a bet on when will you stop denying. “I had faith in you, hyung.” Jeongguk says, giddy, as he puts the money in his pocket.)