The three-hour car ride from our house to my parents’ hometown is silent. My brother has been trying to converse with me, but I shut him off every time. Yesterday was something that shouldn’t have happened. He didn’t even listen to us he just wanted to do what he wants. I get it that he’s concerned about my future like a loving brother normally would be and I am thankful, but he treats me like this—a baby, constantly needing guidance and have to be told what to do. I’m capable of deciding things on my own; I know how to stand up for myself. If he thinks I will let someone push me off the edge without putting up a fight, then he was raising the wrong girl all these years.

“Haerin, please talk to me,” He pleads for the nth time. We pass through the town’s arc and this is how I know we’re almost there now. I don’t have to sit in this damn car with this silence wrapping us both for long. Jaejoong sighs, “I called them last night. Dad said he cleaned your art room and mom took care of your old bedroom. They’re really excited you’re coming back,”

I don’t say anything for the next five minutes and Jaejoong is tensed up in his side of the car, “Look, I know this is sudden and you probably hate me but I’m doing this for you, okay? I’m doing what I think is best for you and Sehun—and that is to stop this absurd relationship. Both of you have a lot going on and still got so much ahead of you and you should focus on that other than this ridiculous fight with his mother. Your life is far more normal than theirs. You don’t get fixed marriage or business deals, you get to do and choose who and what you want. That’s something that doesn’t exist in their kind of lifestyle,”

I scoff and shake my head as I continue to look outside the car window, “I’m only listening because it’s either I jump out of the car and die or stay here and listen to you talk like you know everything,”

“Haerin.”

“As soon as the situation gets fixed I’m going back to Seoul. He’s keeping his word and so am I,”

“Do you hear yourself right now?” He exclaims and I roll my eyes at him, “You’re putting your future at risk, Hae! And for who? Your boss? Someone you’ve known for the summer? You’re really going to risk losing what could possibly make everything come true for him?”

“If I say yes would you stop? I’m old enough to make my own decisions!” The surprise in his face cannot be hidden. My brother and I haven’t argued this much since the last time I could remember, “You’re the one who keeps telling me there’s a world out there that I should see. This is part of that. I’m going to get into trouble and I’m going to screw up and you have to let me fall. I know you feel like you have to protect me all the time and that you need to make sure I don’t get hurt, but you have to let me break, you have to let me hurt, and you have to let me grow, Jae,”

“Hae, it’s not that simple, okay? I’m not going to be the brother who’ll watch you throw everything you’ve worked hard for just for some summer puppy love!” He yells, furious at me as he grips at the stirring wheel. The tension between us strengthens as he continues to drive the car.

“You’re young and you don’t even know what you’ve gotten yourself into! You think this is one of those things you see on TV and that falling in love is all just that—well, it’s more than just that. You use your brain and you make practical decisions because it’s not just all feelings and fluff. One day you’re going to wake up and realize you have to exist and you have a life and it’s not just you and him, there’s more to just being together,” I’m fuming as I hear him expel these words and I’m astounded he can speak like he knows everything when he probably hasn’t listened to a single word I’ve said. I know for a fact that this is his brotherly instinct taking over and as much as I feel loved that he’s got an amount of concern for me, it’s just choking me as of the moment.

“Then let me wake up to that day! Let me realize it myself than just telling me how it’s going to be like! If the sacrifices I’ll make won’t be worth it then it’s on me. I’ll live the consequences. Just please let me be! Let me put my faith on someone I want to put it on! Let me trust someone I want to trust! Let me go, Jae!”

“I can’t, okay?! You’re my little sister and it’s going to be like that, always. It’s my job to make sure you don’t make dumb decisions you’ll regret for the rest of your life and right now my decision is for you to stay away from that so-called boyfriend of yours who already brought you into too much trouble,” Just then he pulls up by the drive way and we’re parked across our parents’ house.

He exits the vehicle and slams the door close after him. A tear drops from the surface of my eyes to my cheeks as I take a deep breath. I don’t know when was the last time we’ve fought like this. Truth is, we were apart for a while when he had to work overseas so the family could get by. Being far from each other we never really got the time to fight. When he returned after a few years, I’ve been distant with him and we only got along again when I had to live with him because his house was near my campus. So all in all, yes I do not know how to handle fights with my brother because we barely have past arguments that grew this big. He usually gets to be the first one to approach when something is wrong between us, but seeing how our trip home turned out, I’m not sure if we’ll talk within the week.

I take a deep breath and hop off the car. Mom and Dad are waiting on the front porch together with huge smiles on their faces. The next thing I know, I’m running towards them and I crash onto their figures as I feel their loving arms around me. I missed them so much. My mother still smells like freshly baked cookies, probably because she had just made some while my dad looks like he just cleaned up the grease stains on his body from working at the car repair shop.

“Sweetie, we missed you,” My mother coos in my ears as she kisses my head. She passes me towards dad who got his arms wide open for me while Jaejoong takes my place from mom’s hug.

“How’s my little baby?” My dad asks as he envelops me around his hug. He gives me a kiss on the head as I feel my cheeks burn hot and tears surface around the corner of my eyes, “It’s good to see you, sweetie. I missed you a lot. I sure saw lots of empty walls around the house for the last couple of months you’ve been away,”

“Don’t worry dad, I’ll make sure to mess it up a little bit for you,” I say and he chuckles through the hug.

We enter our house and the nostalgia starts. Everything is exactly the way it was since the last time I’ve been here. I smell mom’s freshly baked cookies from the small kitchen near our living room. The house isn’t that big, soon it’s going to smell like cookies upstairs, too. Jaejoong takes my bag with him and settles it on the couch while he talks to mom about how his restaurant is doing. I look outside and see the small white boat by the lake behind our house.

“Black’s still alive?” I ask, pertaining to the small white boat. My dad and I named it when he first bought it. I was in third grade at the time and thought naming a white boat opposite its color is cool. Now I’m regretting my lack of sense of humor.

“Yeah, but nobody uses it anymore. No one really likes to paint in the middle of the lake like that annoying little kid. What’s her name again?”

I roll my eyes at him, “Ha-ha. Very funny, dad,”

Jaejoong leaves before dinner because he’s got a long drive back. We parted without making up and I still feel terrible about it. My parents are kind enough not to press us both with questions, although I know they’re pretty anxious to help us siblings make up. The three of us sits on the dinner table while I pick on my food, not really in the mood to eat. We haven’t fought like that before and I’ve never seen him so furious. On the other hand, I’ve never been this stubborn before and I’ve never been so against him. And then there’s my boyfriend Oh Sehun doing who knows what to get the situation fixed and I still haven’t heard from him either. I think being shot would be just as painful or maybe even less painful than my current situation right now.