The red wine spins on the glass as I stare at it, my hands resting at the bottom of the wine glass. My father keeps blabbing about ex-wife number four and how the divorce went. But I can’t pay enough attention to his story. As much as I want to, I just can’t. I keep thinking about her and her tears, the way she stood there next to me but there was so much distance between us, the look on her face the moment she walked in with Jongin and how her voice almost quivered upon telling me her last yes, Mr. Oh. I feel as though barbed wires wrapped my heart, it aches even when I breathe. My stomach is empty and no matter how many times I drink my wine, there’s that same lump on my throat, almost as if it’s about to choke me. It’s all sinking into me—Haerin is no longer and will never be a part of my life anymore.

“So, Haerin…” My father captures my attention with one name and when I look at him, he’s staring at me as he chews the beef in his mouth, “Jinhee told me about her. And about that little thing in New Zealand,” His statement makes me want to call Jinhee and yell at her for never keeping shut. I didn’t tell her everything for her to blurt it out to my own father. It was simply just venting out all these feelings that I cannot say.

“Don’t worry. It’s office rule not to date an employee. I know how it works,” I tell him monotonously as I chug on my red wine. Something twists the barbed wire and it tightens its grip on my chest and I want to scream. But I don’t. I just sit there with a deadpanned face but with a heavy bleeding heart.

“Do you really?” He asks me rhetorically as I arch a brow.

“Besides, she’s no longer under my supervision. My new secretary’s starting tomorrow so we moved Haerin to the events committee for the gala this weekend,” I say to close the topic that’s making me queasy in my own spot. I shift on the chair and pour more red wine on my glass and chug on it. I feel heavy thumping on my chest as I let the red liquid run through my throat and exhale a heavy breath when I finish consuming another glass of my drink.

“Sehun, is there anything you want to say?” He asks but I don’t answer him. He stops cutting through his beef and looks at me, “You know, she is quite a girl.” I hear him say.

“Excuse me?”

“She is,” He tells me, “She ate about five plates of ddeokbokki that night and told me you were pretty much like a boat without paddles,” My father laughs as he seems to be reminded of Haerin and her words. But all I do is blink in confusion.

“You met her?”

“I met her when she resigned,” He answers and I gape at him. My father chuckles to himself, “She thought you were one hell of a stone. It’s impressive how that girl saw through you—you needing to feel all sorts of emotions and wanting you to stop being mad at the world. I don’t think you’re one to miss a girl like her. So, what happened?”

“I didn’t invite you through dinner for this,” I tell him coldly as he gives me a look, “I’m here to remind you about attending the gala. Mom’s going to be there, too. She promised to behave well, so should you.” My father gapes at me and I clear my throat as I chug on another glass of red wine.

“Of course I’m attending. It’s your birthday,” He tells me.

“It’s also my engagement party,” I say as I manage to chug on another glass of red wine. My father looks at me with his eyes widened, “Catherine and I are getting married. But we haven’t decided on the date yet so I can’t tell you when exactly we’re having it. I’ll just let my secretary call you when we decide on one,”

He shakes his head and scoffs, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He asks this with a hint of frustration in his voice, “Do you even love her?”

“I can learn to,” I say monotonously.

“Why learn to love someone when you can just choose the one you already love?” He asks me this and I pause. My glass is suspended midair as I look at my father. He releases a heavy sigh, “For someone who graduated overseas and earned a double degree, you’re pretty stupid yourself. You’ll only hurt yourself by your stupid decisions,”

“I can manage,” I answer nonchalantly.

“Okay. Maybe you can. But will she?” He asks this and he scoffs, “This is not the time to be selfish.” He says as I let my glass down with a hand so heavy the wine almost pours off. The barbed wires around my heart tighten and it clenches and I bear with the pain.

Selfish?

“Her brother has a restaurant, her mother runs a small café and her father has a small car shop in their province. She’ll graduate soon, apply for a job, take a shot in productions and get into directing. She dreams of doing films with real depth and meaning, films that will strike a heart,” I tell him and he’s confused as he gives me a look, “All of that will be taken away from her if I choose her so making stupid decisions are the least of my worries,”

“What did your mother do?” He asks with his brows furrowed.

“She did nothing because I’m doing something,” I tell him as I stand up, “I’ll see you in the gala. Mom invited a few journalists and the press. I’m expecting you to roll along with the show,”

I leave the sky lounge as if the talk did not take a toll on me. But truth is, it did. It took one huge toll from me. When the elevator closes, I finally let out a breath and look up, feeling the corners burn hot. When I reach the parking lot, I look at my car and stare at it. I am in no mood to drive. So I leave the basement parking and walk like a normal person; let my feet take me wherever.

I want to regret meeting Haerin, admiring her personality, falling in love with her smile, getting lost in her eyes. But I can’t. I know I can’t bring myself to regret these things because these are the things that made me feel something not even my parents had. She made me so happy that I forgot who I really was—a coldhearted . And truthfully, I never want to be that around her. But that’s all I’ve ever been. An . I kissed her and walked out. And today I practically removed her from my life and walked out. Tomorrow I will still be the same and act so coldly around her like she isn’t the girl I truly love. And I know it will hurt her and I will get double of that for inflicting pain on her. I know she will hate me and I will still hurt. I know she will leave the company in a few days and I will still hurt. I know she will no longer look back, she will go back to her life, she will forget me, she will eventually find someone else and I will still hurt. I will hurt for a long, long time and it’s okay. It’s okay because someone will make her happy, someone will love her so much he’ll do everything to make her smile and make her heart forget the pain it once felt. It’s okay because she’s easy to love. I’m confident someone will do so. I’d love to be that someone, but I can’t.

“Catherine told me about your girlfriend.” Her voice is still and it starts to worry me. I don’t reply as I don’t see why I should bother, “Kim Haerin, isn’t it? I hear she works as an intern and that you’re very much into her.”

“Are you really wasting your time, calling your son overseas to ask about his girlfriend?” I ask her and she scoffs, “I know you sent