*having struggles as a girl*

Taeyang is letting go and turning me around, facing me right away. He is staring into my eyes. I am pretty sure he can tell that I am nervous. Too nervous. And to be honest, I am afraid. If he knows… What do I do? I cannot tell him about me and Jay… But… DAMN IT! Thinking of it makes me really wanna punch myself. UGH! How could I end up like this?!

TOP is whistling, signaling Taeyang to move away from me. Yeah, he is pretty much disgusted by me. I liked him when I was Jiyong but being a girl and him being so mean to me, I start hating him day by day. Really, why is he so repulsive? So annoying… Ugh.

“Where are you going to stay tonight?”, my best friend is asking me out of the blue, he is kinda worried.

I am lowering my gaze and staring to his feet. He has got new shoes. I have not noticed it before. Taeyang is clearing his throat and lifting my chin.

“Wanna stay over at my place?”, he is suggesting and tilting his head, “We could talk about everything…”

Damn it! Does he know or not? Staying at his place? I believe my parents are going to get there at first tomorrow as soon as they find out that I ran away. But me being Chaelin they might not notice that I am their adoptive child. Adoptive…

“Hey, you can leave first! I have to talk to Chaelin a little bit more. I will catch you guys later, promise!”, Taeyang is informing the others.

Daesung is nodding with an understanding gesture, while Seungri is whistling and laughing. TOP is spitting angrily, turning away and leaving without any further words. Man, he is really the aggressive type of person, huh? They are all leaving, talking about random and laughing loudly. Goddamn, I miss accompanying them like this! I really want to be Jiyong. I… I have to become a boy!

“Well… how did this happen?”, Taeyang is suddenly questioning me, “You don’t have to hide it or act in front of me like a girl. I know it’s you. So, just be honest with me, Jiyong.”

HOLY ! So, he really knows! ! What… What do I do? What do I say? He is my best friend, of course he would notice it. Damn it! DAMN IT!

“Uhm… remember when we last came here, to the Han River…?”, I am telling him, “I behaved rude towards an old woman… She cursed me. I have already met her and she told me that I will turn back, if I change into a better person. Like… not looking down on poor people, or ugly ones. I have to understand other’s situation before judging them…”

My best friend is taking place on the cold ground and throwing a stone into the stream. He is staying silent, not saying a single word. I see, he wants me to tell him everything. I hid it all this time and I believe he is a little bit disappointed in me.

“Yongbae… I… I am really sorry.”, I am apologizing and taking place next to him, “I could not tell you because… I felt like you would not believe me. I mean, it really is crazy, isn’t it? I couldn’t believe it myself at first…”

“What about your parents?”, he is interrupting and sighing, “Are you going to tell them?”

I am not sure of it either, I mean… I ran away because I turned into Chaelin and because my father told me that I am actually not their child… My mother being pregnant…

“I am not going to tell them. My father would be disgraced, probably disappointed badly in me for my wrong behavior.”, I am answering him and sighing uneasy, “Yongbae… I am an orphan. My father told me few days ago by letter… That is the reason why I ran away…”

Taeyang is startling and looking at me in surprise. He is hesitating and then putting his arm around my shoulders.

“I am sorry…”, he is saying, “I wish you told me earlier about all of this… I would have comforted you, Jiyong. I am your best friend… Uh, right… my parents are divorcing next Friday… I have to decide where to stay, either with my mother or my father.”

Oh shoot, he has been in a difficult situation all these days and probably could not talk to anyone at all. Ugh, having to choose like this must be really ty. I would not be able to do so… if my parents were my biological ones… Hmm.

“It is for the better. At least I won’t be seeing them quarrel every morning.”, he is adding and then standing up, “I don’t know with whom to stay after they have divorced, but until then I will be staying at home. Come, stay at my place tonight.”

I am getting on my feet too and stretching. Wow, it feels great that my best friend knows about me. I should have told him earlier! I am really dumb.

“How did you notice? I mean, that I am Jiyong?”, I am asking curiously and crossing my arms, “Look at me, I don’t resemble my male self at all. I am a pretty blonde girl, right? How come you could tell it is me?”

Taeyang bursts out laughing in a hilarious way and then nodding confidently.

“The day we first met was kinda suspicious. You texted me back as Jiyong and then told me that you did so, because Jiyong told you… It was kinda not solid. I mean, you told me that you were Lady Soo Ae’s daughter… but I knew that her daughter died years ago. And also behaving like a boy, I mean you sat on Jiyong’s bed with your legs spread, just like you did every time I came by when you still were a boy.”, my best friend is telling me, “You don’t talk like a girl at all, instead you use ‘dude’, ‘’ and all of these words… just like you did as Jiyong. And at the basketball match against 2PM and you I could tell it is you. All of us could, I mean Daesung, Seungri and TOP. That is why TOP hates you so much. Because you remind him of our leader, who has left us without a warning. He is disappointed and really worried. So are the other two…”

I am lowering my gaze. It is really depressing. I am so sorry. I really am, but I can’t help hiding from them.

“Should I tell them?”, I am asking him and sighing.

He is nodding and smiling at me. Then we are leaving to his place.

Taeyang gave me some clothes of mine that I put into his closet months ago. Just li