Day 6

*ed up*

I am waking up to an explosive headache. I am pressing my palms on my forehead and hissing due to pain. My eyes are burning as I open them to the bright sunlight. Wait, is this Jay’s room? I am yawning and turning around just to notice Jay lying next to me. Oh no. I am instantly glancing down my body. Holy ! ! HELL ING NO! ! ! ! I am ?! What the hell happened?! AHHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ! ! ! Did I do it with Jay?! MY WORST ENEMY! A GUY! Ok, GD, you gotta breathe. Calm the down! Ok, I think I am doing well enough to check up on Jay's body. If he is like me, I am totally going to kill myself. This can’t be true! NEVER EVER! Ok, I… I need to look. Damn it! Ugh, I can’t… Someone help me… I am tearing up… I… I am about to cry.

Jay is in his sleep and turning around. He is facing me, still fast asleep. Looking at him, I somehow feel hot. Is… is this guy ? No ing way! Holy ! What happened to me?! This… This is a nightmare, right? Ugh… I… I need to get out of here!

I am clawing the blanket, wrapping it around my body and carefully leaving the bed. Silently I am walking up to Jay’s closet to put on some damn clothes. I am slipping into a giant black hoodie and then looking for some trousers, but there are any! Where the hell did his pants go?!

“Oi… you… awake?”, 2PM’s leader is asking me with a husky voice.

He is cleaning his throat and staring at me with a tired expression. He is then scratching his head and stretching his arms into the air while yawning.

Damn it. I can’t help but look at him like a dumb shocked potato idiot. I am no longer able to move. As if all of my cells froze in no time.

“Uh… about last night…”, Jay is mumbling and straightening himself, while keeping me in his eyes, “I… I hope you en-“

“Shut up!”, I am reflexively cutting his words and crouching in front of his closet.

I don’t want to know about the rest of his sentence. I ing don’t want to know anything about last night! Nothing happened! NOTHING! Goddamn it! I can’t help but burst out crying. PATHETIC! How did I become like this?! Why me?! What have I done to deserve this?! What happened to Kwon Jiyong? What happened to me?!

I am shedding my tears like a little sissy. Covering my face with my hands and sitting on the cold floor, while sobbing my soul out of my body.

Jay is sighing, getting out of bed and throwing the blanket over my head.

“Don’t cry…”, he is trying to comfort me, but there is no ing way I could, “Chaelin… I am sorry… I really did not mean to hurt you…”

I remain silent, since it is the best to do, right? I am covered with the blanket he threw over me, so he can’t see me now. I am still sobbing and my mind is a freaking rollercoaster if not a crazy maze with no possibility to leave. I… I think I have to commit suicide.

I can hear Jay crouching in front of me. He is putting his hand on my head and staying like this for a moment.

“I don’t regret it.”, he is telling me with a calm voice, “I… I hope you d-“

I am uncovering myself and pushing Jay back really harshly, getting on my feet and rushing out of his room. Out of this mansion. Simply, leave this ing place once for all!

I am standing on the edge to the Han River. I ran right here after I left that s place. I can’t believe I did…

Well, here I am now. Wearing only Jay’s black hoodie. My feet are bare, my legs… Obviously, I am showing too much skin. My eyes are all dry, there are no more tears left to shed. My skin is all pale due to my shocked, confused, ed up situation. The only way for me to end this is to give up on living this life. I need to die. Right here, right now. I am taking in a deep breath. The fresh air is calming. With my eyes closed I am stepping closer to the river. Let’s end this, Jiyong. This is not you and this will never be you.

I am jumping, to only get grabbed by someone’s strong hands and be pulled back in an instant. What the hell?! I am not even able to decide for my own death? What is this, a joke? What the hell did I do?! LET ME DIE!

“Hey! Are you crazy!”, Taeyang is screaming and then suddenly slapping me, “Are you nuts, or what?!”

I am staring into his worried face. His eyes are filled with fear and panic. He is shocked, I can tell. Probably.

My dried eyes are suddenly becoming all wet. Again tearing up, huh? Wow, I fell really hard. Remembering my life from days ago... Where did I go wrong?

“Taeyang! Is she alright?”, I am hearing Daesung from a far.

Right, this is the spot where I used to hang out with my boys.