It's been a year since I started my relationship with my girlfriend, Kim Taeyeon. But in those past months, I have only seen her once a month! She's always busy with her vocal lessons and her classes in school. She always doesn't have time for me because she's training to be an idol in a huge company. I want to understand her because I should; I'm her girlfriend after all, but am I really the girlfriend? If I am the girlfriend then why do I feel like I'm being left out and abandoned? Why do I feel like I'm not special when we are together?
She only shows up to me when it's our monthsary or my birthday. But every time we spend time together, we act casually. No kissing, no hugging, no holding hands... I don't really like PDAs but come on! Sweetness is necessary in relationships! Sometimes, I steal kisses from her, hug her abruptly and hold her hands when she doesn't notice but that's just it. She never responds to my affection. In fact, she has never told me that she loves me. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with Taeyeon, she's my everything. I love her with all my heart and with the deepest part of my soul, and that's why I’ve been holding onto this relationship till now.
Before Taeyeon became a trainee, we became friends and I started to have feelings for her. She rejected me and said that I was not her type. But I never gave up on her; I sent her letters, flowers, chocolates, jellies, tic tacs, skittles and all her favorites. I waited for her classes to be over and walked her home all the time. I let myself be her chaperone every time she goes to bookstores and buy dozens of books. However, she still rejected me on my second attempt to get her heart.
I almost gave up and lost my confidence. Taeyeon didn't like me...I did not stand a chance. One night, I suddenly had an idea to get over her. Clubbing, dancing and getting drunk. Sounds legit. I danced and danced until I got tired and socialized with other people but still, the only one on my mind was Taeyeon,Taeyeon,Taeyeon. I went to the counter and got drunk.
The next day, I was hungover. I woke up in a neat room. Bookshelves were organized and paintings on the wall were displayed. I looked at myself in the mirror; my clothes had changed into a green PJS. I smelled bacon and eggs outside the room so I went out. To my surprise, I saw Taeyeon...cooking breakfast.
“Oh, you’re awake now,” she said.
“Uhm, how did I end up here?” I asked.
“You called me last night to pick you up at the club,” she said.
I was drunk, so I did not remember anything much of what happened the previous night.
“I'm sorry for being such a burden.”
She just looked at me.
“You know, when people are in love they tend to do stupid things. It's also goes for people who want to forget...believe me Taeyeon, I’m trying but I just can’t. All I want is for you to be my girlfriend. One last time, can you please give me a chance?” I asked
Getting no reply from her and not wanting to cry in front of her, I decided to take my leave.
“I’m sorry for disturbing you... I will take my leave now.” I said.
“Oh, eat some breakfast first. I don't want my girlfriend to be hungry.” she said.
Whoa, am I hearing things?
She just nodded.
What I did next was to hug her tight and kiss her. She looked quite shocked at my actions but I saw her smile afterwards.
“I love you Tae...thank you, thank you very much...” I cried in joy.
“Hmmm...” was the only thing she managed to reply as she patted my back.
After a week, she already became a trainee so she doesn’t really spend a lot of time with me. But I appreciate that she's present on our monthsaries and my birthday. Every time we meet, we watch movies, stroll around a park, go to libraries because she loves to read too much. We also go to museums. Taeyeon and I are so different. She’s quiet, studious and shy. Much like an introvert type. Unlike me, I’m outspoken and loud. Though our dates seem to be boring looking through my perspective, Taeyeon spending time with me is enough. She's all I need and nothing else. As long as she's present on the important dates, that means that she cares for me and I still have something to hold on to. On our first monthsary, I gave her a necklace with my name on it.
“Why is it your name written on the necklace?” she asked as we continued to stroll around the park at night.
So that you won't forget me...” I grinned and held her hand.
“That’s so corny!” she chuckled.
“Because I love you TaeTae!” I smiled sheepishly and hugged her.
But right now, I seem to be losing the only thing I’m holding on to. Fast forward to our first year anniversary last week. We had an arrangement that we'll meet each other at Shay's, a fancy restaurant, at exactly 8pm. I had prepared a lot for that. I brought some flowers with me and even prepared a song number for her. I waited for her...waited and waited... Until the clock struck at 10 o'clock, but she still was not around. I then suddenly received a text on my phone.
“Hey Tif, sorry I can't go tonight. Had my practice with my dance instructor.”
“Can you still come?” I replied.
“I don't think I can now. I'll just see you soon, maybe on our anniversary?” I read her message.
Our anniversary is today...how could you forget it?!
“Our anniversary is today but you know what? Fine, just don't come. I'm tired too. I’m tired of always waiting for you.” I replied.
She called me but I did not answer and turned off my phone. I left the restaurant, crumpled the lyrics of the song I prepared for her and left it on the table.
After a week, I came to my senses. I shouldn’t do this to myself. I feel stupid always waiting and longing for Taeyeon who doesn’t really give a damn about me. Because of this, I finally decided that our relationship should come to an end. I called Taeyeon and asked her to spare me some time and meet me at the café near her school. Taeyeon usually gives me some spare time when it's really urgent. As usual, she's late again for thirty minutes but I waited for her because I'm an idiot.
“I’m sorry to keep you waiting... I had a recital with my vocal instructor.” she said apologetically as she sat on the chair in front of me.
I remained silent...this is the last time I will wait for you...my heart is tired.
“Did you order already?” she asked me.
“Hmmm...” I nodded.
“I only have fifteen minutes of break, anyway, I have something for...” She was talking but I cut her off.
“Let's break up...” I said.
“I'm tired waiting for you...let's break up.” I said.
“O-Okay...if that's what you want.” she said.
That's it? After everything I did for you, that's it?! No sorry or whatsoever???
“Honestly Taeyeon, did you ever love me? Even just once?” I chuckled sadly.
“You know what, forget it. I'm leaving. Have fun with your life and good luck.” I said and left the café with tears flowing in my eyes.
After four years, I moved on with my life. I became a manager at a company while Taeyeon became a famous idol in the country. I'm happy for her. She worked hard to be there so she deserves it. I wonder how she is right now? I bet she has many admirers. She sings a lot of songs, mostly very sad ballads. Why are her songs so sad? Maybe sad songs fit in KDrama OSTs.
One day, I was at the mall with my 3 year old niece. I saw a lot of people crowding around a record bar.
“Unnie, let's go there!” my niece said as she pulled me towards the record bar.
“Manse, it's crowded there you might get lost!” I said.
“Then carry me please unnie...”
“Urgh, fine.” I carried her and went towards the record bar.
“Miss, are you two lining up for meet and greet?” The bouncer asked us.
“Yes! I want to see Taeyeonnie!” my niece said.
“What Taeyeonnie?” I asked.
“It's Kim Taeyeon, ma'am. She's signing CD's” The man said.
Taeyeon... My heart began to beat faster at the thought of meeting her again but I know I shouldn't. I should move on and forget.
We lined up. I still carried my niece with me. We were the last in line so we waited for an hour to get our CDs signed.
“Your name?” Taeyeon asked as she's looking at the CD.
“Manse!” My niece said.
“Oh, that's a cute name,” She chuckled.
She still looks cute when she laughs... In fact, she's gotten extremely beautiful.
Taeyeon looked at us. She seemed to be shocked when she saw me.
I just smiled at her. Manse climbs down off me and went to Taeyeon to hug her.
“I love Taeyeonnie!” Manse said.
“Manse, calm down...” I said.
“Tiffany...” She said again.
“Your songs are good, my niece is a fan of yours.” I said.
“N-Niece?” she asked.
“Yes?” I chuckled a bit.
We stared at each other for a while without exchanging words.
“Sign my CD unnie!” Manse said to Taeyeon.
“O-Oh, right...” She signed the CD and I bowed to her and carried Manse again on our way to the exit but I stopped when I heard her speak.
I looked at her.
“Thanks for coming today...” she said.
I just nodded and left.
Oh my heart, seriously...I needed to move on and forget about her completely. It's been two months. I tried going out on some dates but I always end up unhappy. I then focused on my work. To my great fortune, I got a great job offer. I’d be working as a personal assistant this time but my salary is great enough so I resigned from my current job, accepted the job offer and signed the contract. I would be working as the PA of a record producer.
On my first day of work, I met my boss. He greeted me.
“Hello, are you ready for your first day of work?” He asked me.
“Yes sir, I'll do anything to be a productive assistant of yours.” I bowed down my head.
“Uhm, I'm not the one who you'll be working for.”
“Tiffany?” a familiar voice called me.
“Oh, Taeyeon! Here's your personal assistant. Miss Hwang.” The man introduced me to her.
Me, working with Taeyeon? How on Earth?!
“Y-You don't have to do this if you're uncomfortable...” She said.
“No, I can do this. There's nothing to be uncomfortable... It's been four years and for sure, both of us have moved on already.” I forced myself to believe what I was saying.
She just nodded.
I can do this! I moved on already and besides, this is a job! I have to be professional.
It's been a week since I became Taeyeon's PA. She really hasn’t changed a lot. She's still serious and shy like before. I'm always with her wherever she goes. From her schedule in the morning to evening. I pretend to act okay and smile in front of her. It's been four years...everything has changed. I moved on...I should move on.
We were inside the van on the way to her home... We sat beside each other.
“Aaa, I'm tired!” She stretched her hands and yawned.
“You're still cute.” I said as I chuckled.
She looked at me.
“Do you want some?” I offered her some chips I'm eating.
We ate the chips together, but every time I got some from the pack, my hands always brushed accidentally with her’s. I still feel the same electric feeling like before but too bad, she won't feel the same way about me. We arrived at her house. I bowed, preparing to take my leave.
“See you tomorrow Miss Kim!” I said to her.
“S-Stay...I mean it's pretty late. Stay the night here,” she said.
“I-I don't want to bother you...” I said shyly.
“Please stay...” she said.
I went inside her house and it was still the same house she had before. She never moved out from here. I wonder why. I prepared myself to sleep.
“Uhm, do you have some extra pillow and a sheet?” I asked.
“I'll sleep here on the couch, right?”
“No, my bed is big. We both can fit there,” she said.
I blushed at the thought of sleeping with Taeyeon. My palms started to sweat and my heart was beating faster. She lent me some green PJS and we prepared to sleep. I lay down beside her with my back facing at her. I cannot face her. She's too close. Her smell is driving me crazy and her very own presence beside me make me want to hug her tight and plead her to be with me, but I won't do that. I've been hurt enough.
“Tiffany?” she suddenly spoke.
“Yes, Miss Kim?” I asked, my back still facing her.
“Call me Taeyeon...”
“I’m sorry for what happened before...”
“I-It’s okay...I'm happy for you. You’re happy as you’re living your dreams and I'm happy too with my life.” I said.
After a few minutes of silence, I decided to close my eyes and get some sleep. I felt warmth and I think she was hugging me...or maybe I'm just dreaming. Taeyeon will never initiate a hug...She never did and she never will. She doesn't even care and have time for me because she doesn't love me. I should put that fact in my mind. I opened my eyes when I heard her whisper in my ears...
“Tiffany, are you still awake?”
And I wasn't dreaming...she's really hugging me.
“T-Taeyeon, w-why...” I turned around and faced her. Our faces are dangerously near each other’s. We stared at each other's eyes and let our eyes speak on it's own...
I saw the way she looked at me...I see warmth, affection and most of all love. She started tearing up so I panicked.
“W-Why are you crying?” I moved closer to her and comforted her.
“Tiffany, don't go...” she said as she sobbed.
“Don’t forget me...” she said as she tightened her hold on me and cried.
I closed my eyes, tried to calm down my heart and control my tears.
“B-But it's been four years Taeyeon...”
I can't wear my heart on my sleeves again...it hurts so much to wait for nothing.
“Love me again...” she said as she buried her head on my neck and sobbed.
“But you don't love me...in fact you never did. I don’t want to wait for you again. I don’t want to plead for some spare time of yours. My heart can't stand another heartbreak.” I sat up to have some distance from her or else my heart would give in and be hurt again.
“Then I won't make you wait anymore, I'll give you all my time, I won't hurt you again... Just love me again...please?” she sat up beside me.
“I'm sorry...I moved on.”
After that night, I still continued to work with Taeyeon as I signed the contract for six months. I tried to be strong and resist her. It's been a week since Taeyeon started trying a lot of ways to win me over. She's been sending me strawberry ice creams, Kitkats, Oreos , pink plushies and all things I like. But still, I refused her. I can't be tempted to go back to her.
After her schedules, she asked me to go over to her house for a while and eat some dinner. She said she'd cook for me. I rejected her at first but she insisted so I agreed. While she was preparing the dinner, I went to the bathroom in her room to calm down myself for a while. I roamed around her room until I accidentally dropped a green box on the floor. All it’s contents were scattered on the ground. I gathered them to put them back in the box but to my surprise I saw the necklace with my name I gave her four years ago. I didn't know she still kept it with her. I also saw another necklace with her name on it. And what shocked me the most was when I saw some pictures of us and the lyrics of the song I made for her on our first year anniversary. My hands started to shake, until I felt another presence in the room.
“Tiffany, dinner's ready...” she opened the door and looked at me.
“H-How did y-you get this?”
“I went there Tiffany...but I guess I was too late?” she chuckled sadly
“Why are you keeping all these?”
“Because, You're an important part of my life and I love you...” she said as she looked at me.
I almost want to cry...It's the first time she told me that she loves me.
“But you never cared for me...you never made me feel like you do. In fact, you never had time for me!” I scoffed.
“I was wrong...I was too pre-occupied with chasing my dreams to the point that I forgot about the most important dream of mine. At first, I admit that I wasn’t really into you but you showed me and taught me how to love you in every single thing that you do... I love the way your eyes curve when you smile, the way you clap your hands when you laugh, the way you pout when you're being childish...I love everything about you...”
I started to tear up...I didn't know she noticed those little things about me because she made me feel the opposite way.
“But why didn’t you ever show it to me? Why have you never told it to me?”
“I'm not that really good in terms of expressing myself to people...I did not know what to do and how to treat you since you're my first love...I'm sorry I hurt you a lot. For four years, I looked for you and thought about you in everyday of my life. Yes, I was able to succeed chasing my dreams. But it was a lonely path because without you my life is meaningless.” she said as she cried.
I finally hear the words I've been meaning to and dreaming to hear for years...
“On that day at the record bar, when I saw you with a child. Do you know that I almost lost my mind at the thought that you might be married and forgot about me already? But I guess I'm just lucky that I still have a chance with you...Tiffany, please give me a chance to show you how much I love you...”
A chance won't hurt anyway... I still love her but she has to prove herself to me.
“Court me.” I said.
“Huh?” she asked dumbly.
“Court me and show me how much you love me.”
“That I will do,” she said with a smile.
Ever since that day, Taeyeon changed. She's no longer shy and serious around me. She tends to smile a lot and goof around with me. She's always with me. She sticks to me all the time. Well, she’s still nervous about skinship but I'm happy that she initiates skinship with me. She will hug, hold my hands, kiss me first and tell me that she loves me everyday.
The day came where I accepted her again in my life as her girlfriend. She wore the necklace I gave her years ago and she gave me a familiar necklace with her name.
“Couple necklace?” I chuckled.
“So that our names will be engraved in each other's heart,” she said cutely.
“Oooow, since when did you learn those things?” I laughed wholeheartedly.
“Well, I only learned from the best,” she chuckled.
Two years passed, and Taeyeon decided to become a record producer and song composer, quitting being an idol, so that she can spend more time with me. If my problem before was Taeyeon's coldness and sugar free attitude, I have a different problem now.
”Taeyeon, please stop touching my ...I'm washing the plates here! Gosh, you're so touchy!" I complained.
“But Fany, it's so fluffy and gorgeous!” she grinned.
“Aaaa, you ...just help me wash the dishes will you?” I chuckled and pecked on her lips.
“I'm not , I'm just clingy!” she said as she hugged my waist and looked at me.
“Well to think that you were so sugar free during the first year of our relationship...Aaaa, I should’ve realized it sooner, I married a and now I feel so violated,” I joked.
“I’m just showing you how much I love you. I love you so much and I will do anything to make you happy and make you feel it. I won't make the same mistake again because I want to keep you with me forever,” she gave me a loving kiss and slapped my again.
“Yah, you cheese ball!” I .
“Only for my Fany!” she winked at me.
“Do you want some coffee? I'm going to make one.” I smiled at her and went towards the counter to dry my hands with a towel.
“Yes, Mrs.Kim.” she answered cutely and grinned sheepishly.
“No, add some teaspoon of sugar to make it sweet.”