I'M REALLY ANGRY

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLLLYY LONG.


I'm really angry now. Why? 

I'm angry because I'm ugly. 

I'm angry because I'm not perfect. 

I'm angry because I don't have it all. 

I'm angry because I'm a bad person. I'm angry because I've changed so much. In a bad way. 

I'm angry because I've hurt everyone I love.

And.. I'm angry because everyone else is just fcking better than me.


  All I wanted is to be perfect. I'm ugly. Well, not that ulgy but not that attractive either. My eyes are big, annoying. My nose is flat, I don't have a V-line jaw, and my lips are really plump. I'm not satisfied. I want to audition for SM Entertainment and they really care about looks. "Everyone is beautiful in their own way". Lies. Why does everything has to be perfect? Now I'm too obsessed about perfection. I'm angry because I'm not beautiful. I used to be sad, but now not anymore. All the sadness is now replcaed by anger. I'm angry, really really am. This friend of mine; she's perfect. She's rich, strikingly undeniably beautiful, smart- the perfect combo. While me.. I have to save up my money, and everyday I'd think a way how to make money. She doesn't has to think about these money thingy. She has it all. I feel sorry for my parents, therefore I try not to use all the pocket money I have.


My friend is good at maths. My classmates acknowledged her maths skills. The teacher loves her, praised her a lot. I'm good at nothing. Just nothing. And a classmate of mine; he's smart. People admire him. His work is neat, never failed to score high marks for every subject. Every teachers love him, saying he should be our role model. Another classmate; he's annoying, noisy and all. But he always score high marks especially for maths. He doesn't even does his homeworks. I used to be the Top 5 student during my elementary school years, but now everything has changes. Things are not the same as they were before.


Speaking of changes, I also change. I don't know.. My attitude changes- basically everything changes. I'm rude, I curse a lot, and... I neglect my parents. I used to spend time with my parent and now, I lock myself up in my bedroom, singing all the time. It hurts me, yet i can't change myself to become a better daughter. I raise my voice to them, I become just like those rude, stupid, selfish teens. I'm not myself anymore. Where's the old me? I miss myself, the old me. Now I'm just the rude, insecure girl. Where's the me who used to be happy all the time? Talk about teens and hormones. Ergh the me now is really annoying. I'm annoyed by myself. The present me.. She's annoying, rude, and she cries non-stop. She knows that crying is a sign of weakness, yet she still cry. She thinks that singing is the only way to express herself. I really don't know what is worng with me. This is why I hate being a teenager. I hurt people around me, and I hurt myself.



I write this not to show how pathetic I am to you guys. I don't need your words and advice. Not to be rude, but people like me are waste of time. I waste your time. and I'm sorry. I'd like to thank you for reading this, and I'm sorry if there are grammatical error. English is not my first language anyway. so..

Goodbye :)

Comments

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petitebluehawk #1
I am in the exact situation as you are. OMG someone finally said it. Everything fits! Like you, I have this beautiful friend who is pious, smart and quite popular. And I am just a potato next to her with terrible acne decorating my face, giving cold vibe to everyone in school. Whenever people see me alone, the first thing they ask is, "where's xxxx?" Because they don't really need me around right? And they don't even bother to ask why am I alone or things like that. But when people see xxxx alone, never have they ask about me... But hey, look on the positive side, we may not be attractive as other girls and that is an advantage actually. You get to know who your true friends are. True friends/partners who don't befriend/be in a relationship with you for your looks/popularity/brains. Unlike those pretty people out there, we are in fact much more blessed. Now I'm on a mission, to beautify myself- not to compete with my friend or what but to show the world that the "trash" they ignored is much more better than them. ;)

Sorry for the longgggg comment. It's been awhile my friend
churchoppa #2
Hey there! I think we all have felt/have been feeling this way - the anger that creeps up inside our bodies because of the many questions we have with ourselves, with our existence. I just want to ask you, would the anger be gone if you become the ideal person you wish to be? If it will be gone, what would replace it? Happiness? Greed? An angrier version of the self?

I hope you think about this. Ask yourself - what would you feel if you finally got everything you want?
YeppeoFangirl
#3
You and I have the same problems. But I already get through it. You know what, I'll tell you a secret about this world. 'Everybody have their own weakness, the differences is how good you hide it' because 'god is always fair'. Everyone can see that I'm a perfect human, i don't have problems, i'm smart, i'm pretty, i always have a way for money. What else ? But the reality is I have a dark past and ed up family. So, I think you better enjoy yourself more. Stop thinking about others. Do everything for your own good and your own happiness. If you think you are not good enough, ask yourself why. And fix yourself in your own way. If you can't, just accept just the way you are. Because nobody's perfect is true. You only life once, you better enjoy it while you can. Cheer up chingu ^^
baek-up #4
I felt sorry reading your post and I completely understand your feelings because I used to deal with this problem before.
Just remember that nobody is perfect and God make each of us unique and beautiful in some way.
Ignore what other people think about you because humans don't have right to judge others.
Just be yourself and be confident. And treat your parents well too because they always love you.
You can do it. Hwaiting :)
petitebluehawk #5
Omg I have similar problems too, I know how it feels.
blackunicorns
#6
hey you got wechat? we hv a fcking lot of similarities
aSliceofLove
#7
Hey. Though I probably don't have much qualifications to say much/judge you, but I'd like to say a few things. I don't know if you'll take it or not, but well, it's your own choice.

You kind of remind me of the previous situation/feeling I experienced before the current me. To be very honest, the appearance problem won't erase easily. Though there are models of the ideal beauty, I still want to stay me. After seeing some singers stay the way they were, it was a nice feeling (supposedly?) because it felt like some kpop idols weren't all to not close to ordinary people.

As for comparing with others, don't compare with others. Compare with yourself. Set yourself a goal. This way you can somehow find a way to solve problems that come your way. It's okay to cry and let out/release your pressure sometimes, but keep going on. You'll eventually smile back and be satisfied that you took the courage to work to that certain moment/time.

I wish you luck! I am not any more pretty but still, with the wonderful friends, family, and people that I meet (even on AFF!) I feel like my life is special. Do not search for things of outer/temporary beauty, because those don't last long. Rather, work and strive to polish and improve your eternal beauty (personality and stuff) that actually last longer and others will eventually see the beauty of you :)

Hwaiting! ^.^
IsJongin #8
Ignore the appearance problem for now. Try to change if you can but... Keep studying. That's the most important. Seriously, top 5? Wow. I don't like it when I found the similarities we have. But studying is the key, for now. To get out of this! Okay?! Study and success then work and gain money. Do it for yourself! YOURSELF. Don't think about others'. Never mind. Be stingy for yourself! Your future. About boys, don't worry. You will get one but someday... Don't worry..
oppabimbap
#9
God knows everything pain in your heart and nobody does
MikuJae #10
I wouldn't consider myself beautiful either, and I know these "perfect" friends. But believe me, have a closer look, and they are not even that perfect anymore. A girl I know, she's beautiful, skinny, her parents are rich, she gets everything she wants - but she's not that good at school. Another girl, she's beautiful, pretty good at school, but she tends to get kind of y sometimes.
Believe me, nobody out there is perfect, no matter what they seem like. Have a closer look and you'll see the flaws. Nobody can have a perfect character, be good at school, be beautiful, have money (that shouldn't even be important!), etc. Not all of that. Everybody has flaws, but everybody has strengths also. So have you, don't believe you're good at nothing. You say you like singing - not everybody can sing well. I can't. So you're good at singing - and that's something.
And don't compare yourself to pictures of models. I did that too, but it only makes you depressed or angry, I felt it often enough. But these people often had surgeries, just have a look at pre-debut pictures. Some of them look pretty common, like any other ordinary person. Don't underestimate what surgeries can change about people. It's more than you think. And especially eyes and jawline are often result of a surgery, these people didn't have a perfect jawline before either. And after all, talent should count more than looking.
And last, about your parents - I think everybody goes through this. I often got angry at my parents, they annoyed me, and I can get angry quite easily... it will go over, believe me.
vivian2170
#11
I've been in a situation where i share the same feelings as you. Then eventually i stopped caring altogether. I stopped giving a about others, i stopped giving a about myself. I sat there listening to music being in my own world. Talking to no one about my problems and would silently cry in my room at night. I got lonely and i tried to convince myself that i didn't need anyone but in reality i needed someone there and so... i got tired of acting like i wanted to be alone.
You'll find a way out of this dark place that you've been crying in eventually.
Btw: YOU ARE NOT UNATTRACTIVE!. No one is perfect. No matter what way you look at it someone has a flaw. And crying doesn't mean you're weak. Strong people cry because they need a way to release there stress too.