"beauty queen of only 18 she had some trouble with herself,"

i cringed when the song played on my ipod. i love this song. i had always love it ever since i was small but i didnt know it will effect me this much now. i looked around the street. it was dark. lonely. i am lonely. its not that i want to be lonely but sometimes being alone makes me feel calm. i like being around with peop;e, dont get me wrong. i love people. just that after what happened i lost trust and hope. suicidal thoughts kept on lingering in my head. those blood that flow from my wrist and fall on the the surface of the earth seemed to be my best friends now.

calm me psycho, i like self harm.

no one knows about this. my mom almost know but a little lie did the work now im free again. my only escape is either sleep or listening to music. typical tbo be honest. but people around me said im anti social if i do that. thats why sometimes i just sat with people and stare in the space. zoning out from everything.

god, if you exists, do you know how much i love him?

even if its as a friend. i do love him and i miss him. a lot.

it hurts knowing i lost him at the time that i need him the most.

if i lose him, will i ever found someone like him? who can make me laugh just by saying 'hey, im here'?

can i smile like i used to if i found someone new?

i miss you, 66.

xx, ss, xx