What you will see is a representation of my emotions feat. a roller coaster ride:

Click. Click. Click. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Click. Click. Click. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Click. Click. Click. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Click. Click. Click. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
*repeat 'til fade*

The text above is based on a pastor's preaching. No kidding.

I find this very timely. I've been gone for several weeks, and I kid you not when I say I've dealt with more than academic essays and meeting deadlines. In my temporary absence, I have learned things. Not only about myself, but about the people I cherish, as well.

Admittedly, I am a walking contradiction.

For someone who craves consistency, I tend to procrastinate.

It's ideal to have fixed plans, but I find spontaneity better.

I consider myself to be a flexible person, but once someone breaches a certain line, I would fight back.

And sometimes, these contradictions make it difficult for me to look the other way.

This may make me look like a really bad friend, but I'm going to be honest here.

I have a certain number of people I keep close to me. I trust them. I love them. And it takes time for me to warm up to a person. And I tend to be very protective of them. It's like, this is our circle. This is my crib. And once I feel someone would threaten the rhythm within that circle, I couldn't help but be childishly defensive about it. I couldn't express myself well, so I end up doing stupid things to get their attention. A way of signaling them I didn't like what was happening.

It's petty. It's a pain. But I'm a work in progress, and I know I am being changed by grace.

There are times, too, when I find it difficult to empathize. For someone who feels too much, this is something I wonder about myself.

Say, for instance, someone did something. And they knew it was harmful. They promised they wouldn't do it again. But they end up doing it again. And I would think, "Why the heck would you even do that?"

But I would take that back, and tell myself, "They didn't mean it."

And honestly, it takes a toll on my heart. I do understand where they're coming from, but from my point of view, they could make do without putting themselves in that difficult situation.

Perhaps, I dislike them saying, "It just happened."

Because that isn't the case at all. It didn't just happen.

They had the choice to whether they would let it happen or not.

It's tiring.

It's difficult to be patient.

It's difficult to be kind.

It's difficult to stay loving.

But I shouldn't even be focusing on how difficult it is. I should be focusing on Jesus, who made these things--and more--possible through Him.

Truth be told, for so many times, I wanted out.

Because there's this friction, and it hurts.

I wanted to leave my friends then and there. Let them carry on without me, because I couldn't take it anymore.

"They can do it without me. They'll be all right without me. I'm not needed anymore."

And thinking like that, I couldn't help but stop and look at myself, and ask, "Why are you so negative? Why are you feeling so sad?"

Then, hello.

Because I'm human.

And the mortal heart can be worn down.

But Jesus...Jesus is stronger than my feelings. And it's absolutely okay to be vulnerable in front of Him. To be real. Because before I could even spill my heart out to Him, He already knows what's going on.

And the thing is...

The thing is...

My friends and I have been brought together for a reason, and this is just one of the many valleys we must go through. It's not always rainbows and summer skies, in terms of my relationship with them. I do think the struggle makes us stronger. We are being taught to have a bigger heart. To drag each other through the valley. That no one's going to be left behind. And I could either look at them through my emotions, or through the way Jesus sees them. 

I would much rather be off with the latter.