Taeyeon could never really figure out the fascination of relationships. Why did every one want to be in one? What was so great about it? She really didn’t know until she met Tiffany.

Tiffany swept her off her feet. She was so smart, so nerdy, so amazingly funny that it sent Taeyeon’s feelings in an uproar.

She liked Tiffany. She and Tiffany were never really friends to begin with, they just sort of talked about things. Mostly food and attractive people. But when Taeyeon told Tiffany she liked her, their relationship blossomed. If we were being honest, we could say Taeyeon was the one who built them up. She laid down the foundation and began placing bricks to build their relationship to the highest it could go. She told Tiffany what she wanted, she was never scared to. ‘Tell me more about yourself.’ ‘Don’t hide your feelings.’ ‘Tell me what’s on your mind.’

Tiffany wasn’t really the type to open up to people and Taeyeon understood that. Yet, somehow she always expected more from Tiffany. Getting hurt when she would spill her feelings to Tiffany spontaneously, and the woman had nothing to say. She always figured that maybe Tiffany just didn’t feel the same. But Tiffany would always reassure her that she was just out-of-words. Like usual, that it didn’t mean that she didn’t love her.

Well okay. Taeyeon would say. I just want you to want me, she would say. Nothing else really mattered to Taeyeon other than Tiffany. Yet, to Tiffany, Taeyeon guessed, she was never a top priority.

So when they broke up, Tiffany still talked to Taeyeon as if they were just friends, as is they never happened. As if they never loved at all. Taeyeon was left there to wander aimlessly. ‘Where did the feelings go?’ Is it really possible to drop everything and move on just like that?

Not to Taeyeon it wasn’t.

She came up with different things and topics to bring up to Tiffany. Just to get the woman to talk to her, because if it were any other way—Tiffany would never talk to her again. And with that thought alone, Taeyeon stumbled helplessly around. Thinking of ways to make Tiffany the slightest bit interested in even texting her back, maybe. Taeyeon felt as though her efforts were over-saturated with desperation. That weird feeling, where you’re kind of walking the line of never talking to that person again and being normal friends. Neither was what she wanted, but the thought of Tiffany not being in her life hurt more than the idea of Tiffany not wanting anything to do with her anymore.

So she tried. She tried to be normal. It was hard not to care too much, or show that she cared too much. It was hard to not ask about how her day went and how she was feeling. It was insanely, insanely hard.

She loved her. She had daydreamed about one day finding someone else who treated her better, who loved her just as much as she did… but her heart hurt. Just thinking of the fact that she and Tiffany didn’t have any more chances. And just like that all the fights they had, the arguments, the jealousy seemed so useless and annoying. She wished she had a time machine, to go back and do everything right.

But she didn’t and all she could feel was heartache and regret.

Over the days it got better. But that’s only because over the days she tried not to think about her, but that was hard when a lot of things reminded her of Tiffany.

“Life .” She said, “It’s just about people you love letting you down over and over again. I hate life.” She paused, “I hate my life.” 

It hurt.

And nothing seemed the same anymore.