I am alive haha~ feel really terrible leaving everyone out with "giving birth bye" and then i just disappear. I've gotten many messages from many of you and i'm sorry i havent answered any of them. 

(Made a friend of mine update finished chapters for me so i wouldnt be completely dead) 

but yeah, i've given birth. I dont feel like i should keep any secrets from my readers and friends. Since i've already been pretty open with my life, i will just come out and say it. 

its a bit tough to talk about, but i've gotten all the support and help from family and friends. 

One of the twins didn't survive. His heart wasn't fully evolved, he wasn't strong enough to make it. He was breathing but he was too weak, although he looked fine. 

The truth hurts but what can i do about it. Its been tough and a big part of me blaims myself. I know i know, "it's not your fault" i get it. 

But as a mother, i do believe i am responsible for my own kids' life. 

I'll grief a little, and eventually get over it. But i'll always remember him, its not that i want to push him out of my life. He was 3,1kg and 52cm and named Manato. 

On the other hand, 3 days old little Makoto is fully healthy. 51cm and 2,9kg. 

I will get better soon! I'm healthy and hubby's taking care of me and my three kids! So don't you worry! Its actually normal for an percentage of twins to not making it. I'm happy that i have one of my boys. 

Tiny funeral has already been, on my way to recovery!! Stay positive!