*Warning personal stupid half sorta love story ahead*

... And I'm not sure what to do. I've been in serious denial for the past week, even though I know it has come to the stage that I can no longer deny it.

But the moment I hear your name I keep feeling this stupid, unbearable feeling inside of me that just doesn't seem to go away - It just gets stronger.

I've never felt this way before - ever. And I'm genuinely happy, every time I get a text. even if it's just a sleep tight/sweet dreams in the evening, it makes my whole day better. It has come to the point where I stay awake until I get your text and I still sleep well every night.

I've known him all my life, literally all my life. His mother and my mother were both pregnant at the same time, his mother of him and my mother of my brother. They met eachother this way and met up many times during their pregnancy. My brother was born 20 days before him and since my mother and his mother were good friends, they saw eachother almost every day growing up and were best friends from the start. I was born a year later.

Growing up he was like family to me, because he saw him almost every day at our house when my and his brother would go outside to play soccer or so. That was until he and his family moved, him being at age 10, to Spain.

Every year they'd come back to the Netherlands, never forgetting to pay us a visit as well. 

They did that up till three years ago. They planned to visit us every year from then on, but never did they actually come to the Netherlands. 

And then, two weeks ago, suddenly I heard they came back. I was happy for my brother, because he would be able to see his old best friend again. The two were like brothers, so I knew, that eventhough he didn't show it, he was excited to see him again. But that was about it. ...

Until I saw him again.

It was the weekend before university officially started and I had just been preparing for the upcoming lectures when I came downstairs, only to find him and his mother at out kitchen table. 

I can't call it love at first sight, because I knew him all my life, but otherwise this was the case. He had changed drastically in those three years.

I had never seen him as good looking before, but at that moment I couldn't help but think about how handsome he actually was. Almost two metres tall, he came to me and greeted me, just like his mother did. 

I had to try my best not to keep staring at him, but it was actually hard  to do so. 

He was staying the night at our place, for old times sake, and his mother would go to one of her friends that night, so she would pick him up the next day.

 

There was a fair that week in our home town, so we decided to go there that evening. Two of my friends were also going to the fair that evening, so they quickly joined us. And even though it rained the whole evening and we were drenched at the end when we went to a bar, it turned out to be a lot of fun.

The next day my brother was sick, whether he had eaten something bad or drunk too much we still don't know, so he lay in bed all day. Which eventually ended up in me spending the remaining of the day with him. We both know eachother extremely well so we immediately started to talk about what the both of us had been up to the past years. 

Time flew by fast and before I knew it his mother had arrived again to pick him up. 

And the moment that car disappeared from my view I felt myself become sad, I shrugged it off quickly. I was probably not going to see him for a few years so I had no other sollution than to it up.

That night I went back to my appartment and the moment I stepped on the train he texted me. Which went on the whole night up till two o'clock when I really had to go sleep to be able to get up for the lextures I had the next morning. 

But every night from then on went like that. And I gladly stayed up all night for this.

(And here I am, even when writing this blog post, texting with him because it's that time in the evening again)

Last saturday he actually texted a friend of mine (who went to the fair with us), to ask her if she could wish me good night in his name (he insisted on her telling me this) because he was a bit drunk and didn't want text me in his state, afraid that he might say weird/stupid things to me.

And I don't know, really. 

I think he likes me, I really do, but: I'm not sure. I mean I have known all my life and I've been always one to be friendzoned (in this case 'best friends little sister so of limits'-zoned) and I just don't know anymore. I really don't. My friends told me he likes me for sure... but soon after they told me that could have been the vodka talking.) 

But I actually more than like him. Much more. And it's hard.

Because I not only know whether or not he likes me back and if he does: when do I see him again?

He told me he would come back this december, but, just like the plans of the previous years, that might just not happen.

 

I can always visit him with the excuse that I'm actually visiting my family there in Barcelona (for those who don't know: I'm part spanish.) ....

I'm pathetic.  ._.

Let me drown in my own misery of happy bubbly feelings and sad emptyness ... Because that's the circle of life. For me at least. OTL