This isn't really a rant or a complaint, but something I kind of just need to get off my chest. It's more of a realization than anything else, really.

Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to blame anyone for my lack of motivation. It's just unfortunate that I feel this way, but I don't want to come across as accusatory or anything like that, lol. I'm just explaining why I feel that in the future I'll no longer really be able to update like I used to.

For a while now, I've had these problems... problems with motivation with writing, problems with disappointment with feedback, etc. I used to love writing and updating every day, but I simply can't do that anymore because I lack the motivation. Or I feel like I'll just be disappointed with the outcome.

Reason being that I've gradually come to realize exactly why I liked to write in the past. Before I joined AFF, I would write short fanfics for my friends and share with them because they enjoyed reading my stories and would leave a lot of comments on which parts they liked, what they found funny, their speculation, etc. I guess you could say, I wrote for my friends and for comments. Writing was still for my own gain, both directly in indirectly. Directly because, well, it was fun, and indirectly because reading my friends' positive reactions was really rewarding.

When I joined this site, I still had three or four friends who would read my stories and give feedback. Again, it was fun, especially when MTIAPS picked up and I started to get a lot more feedback than I was used to, which made it all the more exciting. I made new friends here on AFF that also left lengthy comments on the stories, which contributed greatly to the rewarding feedback aspect. I continued writing because I got to read reactions to my stories and ideas. (Notice how I say reactions—not praise, not worship, just reactions.)

Over time, though, friends who read my fanfics slowly dwindled down to two—and now only one, who knows everything that's going to happen in the chapter before I send it to him, anyway, so there's really barely, if any, feedback from a friend at all anymore. Furthermore, the amount of readers who left long comments (I'm talking, between two and sometimes like six or more paragraphs) has also slowly gone from a small handful to one to none.

I'm not trying to say I deserve masses of long, thoughtful, novel-like, introspective comments or anything like that, lol, but it is really heartbreaking to see familiar usernames slowly disappear and know that these people probably simply got tired of my fics. Still, I've carried on for a while after the fact, resigning to just continuing to write even though I don't get much feedback/reaction from friends or the lengthy comments I always so looked forward to before.

Okay, before I go any further, let me restate that, yes, I do in a way write for comments. Now, that doesn't meant I sit down and tell myself, "Okay! It's time to write the next chapter now so I can read comments." And it has nothing to do with wanting praise for my story or popularity or anything like that. (In fact, I'll explain this more later, but it's in part the incessant praise that is making me SO UNMOTIVATED.) What it comes down to is this: I write because I like reading reactions to my ideas and my story. Without the reaction and the social interaction and that aspect, writing becomes entirely meaningless and pointless for me.

That's why I always ask for (and really just about) comments. For the longest time, I thought I was just disgruntled because I didn't get "enough" comments, but then I finally realized that, actually, I get more than enough. The comments just leave no real feedback, which is all I really want.

For example, there's the fact that most of the comments say the same thing. If I ask readers to comment more, there's a spike in comments for a chapter or two, but they all say something along the lines of "I like this chapter" or a nice, caring message about how much they love me as an author and look forward to my updates/stories. It's really sweet, and I appreciate the sentiment—I really do—but that's not what I want when I ask for comments. I just want feedback on the stuff I wrote in the chapter. Because, after several months and gazillions of chapters worth of "I like this chapter/story!" and "lol @ the very last line!" all of the comments become exactly the same. To the point where I start to think to myself, "What's the point in writing something new if I'm just going to get the same comments each time?"

Pleeease, don't get me wrong, those of you who comment; I love you sooo much for taking the time and not just silently reading, especially those who only do it trying to appease me, lol. But every time I even think about writing now, all I can think about is how disappointed I feel when someone says something seemed rushed, or that the chapter was short, or no one really has anything to say besides a general "well, I liked this, and the very last line was funny." I feel like I'll just be let down again when I update because I just don't get the kind of feedback I've always written for anymore.

Since I can't continue whining and griping about comments, especially since I'm just biting the hand that feeds me at this point, I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that I probably just can't update daily or maybe even weekly anymore. It's just one of those things, I guess—I write for a certain type of feedback/reaction that I can't really get on this site and don't really get anywhere else anymore to reconcile the fact. My interest in the character/stories alone doesn't really cut it for me anymore, so I just can't motivate myself to write at the moment. Maybe it's due in part to lacking interest in my current stories in general, but it's been a growing problem for months now anyway.

It makes me really sad, honestly, because I've really enjoyed being here and all, but yeaaah... I'm really reaching my limits, I guess. Running out of steam in general + no friends left to read my stuff + comments are vanishing = no more drive. I hope this doesn't come off as attention -y, in any case. I just want to get it off my chest. I've been accused of wanting comments only for praise before (which is totally NOT the case) and basically criticized for only writing for comments. (How is that automatically a bad thing? It doesn't mean I want endless praise for my writing. I just want some interaction and feedback. I'm tired of people trying to dictate why authors should and shouldn't write, but that's another story, so I'll drop it here.) But you know how it is on AFF. If you breathe, you're only doing it for praise/popularity/some decidedly "wrong" reason.

With that said, I might put up a new story foreword soon. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm really just dissatisfied with my current fics and writing something else that I've wanted to do for a while might help, but I'm not overly hopeful. We'll see...

/drama