jfc, first time i do a blog post on this site and it's a rant. classy.

i got to meet marissa meyer last week! she's the author of cinder and scarlet (both of which are fantastic books and not just because the love interests are prince kai and wolf) and the book signing event was so fun! but i asked her the dreaded question that has been bothering me ever since i started writing: do you ever cringe when you read your old writing? she said yes and i guess that's supposed to be a relief for me but it's not. i read books and i'm inspired to write like a madman but then i go back and read and....my writing is so blech. and then it makes me want to ditch everything and start fresh.

 

so as i'm editing kai's story, i'm also getting increasingly frustrated with my juvenile writing. and i don't know how to improve because i have absolutely nothing else to add! i want to add flowers and lace and a ton of glitter but i just don't.know.how.

 

if you guys actually took the time to read this rant, thank you. i'm in a bit of a writing slump at the moment and it's not even because i'm out of ideas; the plots and stuff are all playing perfectly in my mind. but the minute i type or write it down, i lose the message and every ounce of emotion that i had planned to put in. then the story just turns out to be a stale lump of bread; it's not even a slice. to be fair, i know i have improved immensely since i first started (omg guys, you don't understand how much i shudder when i read my old works) but i wish i was just born with that magical ability to put my thoughts down on paper and express it in the way that i want. honestly (and i know this sounds dumb) but if i were to judge/review my own writing, i'd give it a very low rating. but the problem is, this WRITING thing isn't clicking with me!! i can feel myself getting better as i write but whenever i go back to read it, it's just really...bad.

 

wow this is starting to sound like i'm fishing for compliments but i'm really not. you guys leaving comments here make me so unbelievably happy. whenever i log onto this website and see a new subscriber or a new comment, it's crazy how giddy i get. i wish i could send you guys all little cookies or candies as thank-you gifts T__T

so i wrote that the other day and i've been dwelling on it ever since. i enjoy writing, i really really really do. the thing is, it only started a few years ago. as a kid, i actually hated reading. the only thing i would read were fanfics on quizilla (yeah, i know) and even though i started writing my own stuff back in '08, i didn't actually start reading much until last year. tbh, i never felt the need to. my english marks were good and fanfiction was good enough for me.

but my creativity and creative writing in general was lacking. my vocabulary was stale and my sentences were a mess (still the case today except to a lesser extent). looking back, i feel like i've improved so much over the past year and yet i regret not reading as a child. i regret not having the right words to express myself because, even now, i struggle to do so.

in my stories, i want to elicit certain emotions in people. what i frequently read nowadays are historical romances. now, these are full-blown, fairy-tale-esque romances. the reason for my addiction is that the authors have a way of making me feel physically hurt whenever the characters experience the sadness. like, my chest is literally hurting. and, as sadistic as this sounds, i want my readers to feel that same squeeze in their heart.

you guys have no idea how much i smile whenever somebody comments with a keysmash or they gush about their feelings. because, well, that's how i express my love for something. i squeal and scream gibberish because of all the "feels" going on. really though, what kind of fan doesn't do that?

problem is, i don't produce that kind of emotion for myself. writing has always been for me, but since i'm a regular human being, i wanted an audience. but my first audience is me. and...when i reread my stories to edit them (i leave them for a few days so that my mind is fresh when i come back), all i see is choppy sentences and awkward dialogue.

when i read book reviews, i usually read the bad ones. this way, i can attempt to avoid the same mistakes. one big worry i have is that my characters are all one-dimensional. i try, i really do try, to keep them sounding different but omg, all the characters in my head sound the same??? gahh, what do i do. another thing is my inability to describe places. i'm really bad at describing anything and everything. i don't even need the superfluous and flowery language. i just want to create images in a readers mind. WHY IS THAT SO HARD T_T

ahh, what i'm saying is: i wish i could like my own writing.

things have always been so easy for me to pick up as a kid but writing is like climbing a freaking mountain. i feel like i've come so far but even looking back a few steps and i realize how low i am on this never-ending mountain. and i feel like it will never ever ever end. i know it because there's always room for improvement. but i just wish i could get to a point where i can actually sit through reading an entire passage of my own and not cringe.

the only "remedy" that i've had is basically writing nonsense. fanfiction is fun to write but it's tough trying to sound educated (you guys don't know how long i spend in front of my computer, trying to figure out how to properly formulate one lonely sentence so that i don't sound like a child). that's why i use Her Confession, His Confession as an outlet. it's just a dumb little story about crushes and i don't really care about adding pizzazz into my words for that story. i just let my teenage self talk. it's fun but at the same time, it makes me so nervous because i really don't like reading contemporary romances for one specific reason: i cannot stand the inner voices of teenagers. (bahh, don't hate me for it T_T just a personal preference)

hmm. i like writing. i like writing about things i like and dislike (like being my biases and dislike being my rants). i don't like how much pressure i put on myself over my own writing. i don't like how i'm my biggest critic. and i really don't like how much i hinder myself. i don't let anybody i know irl to read my stories (except for one friend because he stumbled upon it and now he's stuck on fanfiction) because i've already judged myself and i can't bear for others to repeat my critiques to me. i would hate to be a published author because i would read the bad reviews and i'd just sit there going, "yup, i know all that already because i've caught it myself. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT..." and it's this inability to fix my writing that pisses me off in this vicious pissing-myself-off cycle.

gdi idek what i'm trying to say anymore. nonetheless, this was fun to type and get off my chest.

ending off on a happy note: 500 subscribers on aff!! (and i reward everybody with a huge rant haha) i love all of you guys *passes out lots of cookies* ;-;